Fear of Missing…What?

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If you've never suffered from FOMO (the Fear of Missing Out) in the social media era, count yourself lucky. Especially for anxious people, it's not always easy to make decisions and be 100% satisfied with them. FOMO, for those who are not familiar with the term, is that feeling that you're spending your days with minor things while the rest of the world is having its best time on this planet. I reflected on it on a recent trip to Hawaii.

I started watching videos like "top 10 tips to do in Maui ". Meanwhile, I received some tips from friends. The options are endless. "Go snorkeling at that beach"; "If you want to see turtles, you have to arrive early at that place"; "Don't miss the whales - it's the season!"; "Don't miss the opportunity to drive along this highway to see waterfalls". And so on. 

Of course, I gladly received all the tips and took lots of notes. Trying to follow the script for the first two days, I completely ignored the beach located two minutes from my hotel. In my search for new adventures, I got rain, traffic, crowded beaches, and difficulty parking.

The good news is that it's impossible to waste time in that state. Hawaii is like an unforeseen-proof paradise: even when you "make a mistake" you end up in an incredible spot that wasn't even in your plans. But my trip started to pay off when I decided to stay on the beach next to my hotel.

In the first 30 minutes there, I saw a giant turtle. So, I decided to go snorkeling and saw tons of fish of all colors, shapes and sizes. And, of course, at sunset, guess what? Yes, a wonderful show of whales and their calves. 

In short, everything that I needed was there. I felt 100% present in the moment, as I hadn't felt in a long time.

FOMO x-ray 

The trip is a metaphor for life, and the source of FOMO often has a common origin: the fear of missing opportunities and getting disappointed. Sometimes, it is safer to bet on the herd effect: "If everyone is doing it, it's because it's right, it's because it's cool. Then, I will avoid frustrations". It seems that, more and more, we want to remain in a state of euphoria. But we forget that disappointment, boredom, and the unexpected are also part of life, and they also teach us a lot. 

Moreover, following the herd is not always a good option. We can distance ourselves from our true essence, confused about what we really want out of life. Get married and have kids? Backpacking around the world? Adopt a dog? Go to trendy restaurants, shows, and parties? Open your own business? Waking up at 5 am to make your day more productive? 

We are used to images of success, and happiness formulas that the Internet makes us believe are real. And this is one of the most harmful symptoms of anxiety generated by FOMO. I invite you to ask yourself: do you want these things, or is FOMO making you believe you do?

Social media has a vital role in this scenario, as studies show. Many researchers have already concluded that people who suffer from FOMO usually have the most screen time.  This is not exactly breaking news. But other than blaming social media, we may find inside ourselves some ways to be more present.  

Meet FOBO and JOMO

For those who want to get rid of FOMO, I recommend exploring a little more two interesting acronyms: JOMO (the Joy Of Missing Out) and FOBO (the Fear of a Better Option). The first one needs no explanations: it is the opposite of FOMO. In other words: it is the feeling of joy to be left out. It's the ability to be happy with your choices, despite what your family or friends are doing. 

After all, we are talking about decision-making. And here, I want to talk a bit about FOBO. It is a concept created by Patrick Mcginnis, the "father" of FOMO(*). He argues in his book "Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision-Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice" that we often have the perception that something much better is happening out there. As if better options are available, and we're not realizing it. And so we miss the opportunity to evaluate the positive points of the experiences we are living. 

He invites us to have a question in mind when we are stuck in the anxiety to do everything simultaneously. Look at the situation and think: "Is there enough good?". If the answer is "yes," you already have the best decision in your hands. It's not about being too comfortable; it's about valuing what you have at the moment without thinking that it could be better.

To conclude, I want to highlight how important it is to keep ourselves loyal to our values. When you know what is essential to you, you will not feel shaken by the decisions of others. It is important to remember that each person has a unique way of interpreting the world. Being true to your own way is one of the biggest antidotes to FOMO.

(*) Patrick McGinnis is considered the father of FOMO and FOBO because he coined those terms for the first time in a 2004 article published in "The Harbus," the student newspaper of Harvard Business School. He is the author of "Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision-Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice" and hosts a podcast on this subject. 

Listen to be heard

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I'm a Big Brother fan. In Brazil, my home country, this reality show is a big deal. While half of the population brags that they prefer to read a book than watch such a despicable piece of entertainment, the other half watch it every day and talk about it on Twitter for months. I'm in the second group. 

The first two days of this TV show are the worst. Desperate to be in the spotlight, the "brothers" talk non-stop simultaneously. It's almost impossible to understand what they are talking about due to overlapping voices, screams, and exaggerated laughter.

At the end of the first week, things start to get better. That's when we can see the true personalities behind the characters from day one. When they begin to hear each other, we can also listen to them.

What I love most about a TV show like this is observing human behavior (Stanford Experiment says hello!) and how people's attitudes and decisions are similar to real life. And the ability to listen with attention and empathy is increasingly scarce — on TV and in life. 

That emptiness feeling

People need social connections to thrive. Studies show that feeling connected with others decreases anxiety and depression levels. It's good for our self-esteem and can even have physical benefits, increasing longevity. On the other hand, loneliness can be hazardous to our mental health. 

We need to be heard and know how to listen to feel this kind of connection. 

When we are in a chat, and an interlocutor doesn’t seem too interested, we feel emptiness. We can feel lonely even though we are not alone.  See if you've been through any of these situations: 

→ You tell something to a friend and, before you finish, they start to talk about a similar experience. "OMG, I've been in exactly the same situation last week." When they finally finish, you have already lost the train of thought.

→ You say something to a friend, and they reply, "it's not a big deal" because what happened to them is "much worse." (I wonder if some people believe they are in a suffering championship).

→ You have "breaking news" about your life to tell your friend. But they cannot stop checking their phone. Or, even worse, they suddenly change the subject, proving that they were not on the same page as you.

→ You are very engaged on a subject, and your friend keeps saying vague sentences like: "I see"; "I've been there;" "Don't worry, you'll be fine."  

If you have already experienced some of those situations, or if you realized that you are a "bad listener" sometimes, don't feel bad. It’s more complex to be a good listener than most people think. 

I believe that most of the time, we are trying to show empathy by telling a similar situation, trying to soften rough news through even more painful experiences, or spreading cliché sentences.

But to practice effective listening, there are good techniques. I found exciting suggestions in this article in the Harvard Business Review. Nonetheless, human interactions don't go well with rules. On the contrary: the more natural, the better. 

That's why I would like to highlight the sentence that ends its article: 

"(...) the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height, and amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening."

In other words, nothing is better than genuine interest. Authentic connections are the ones that spark a feeling of fullness and acceptance. 

As important as being a good listener is to identify among people that surround you which ones can offer this level of reciprocity. Sometimes we choose to walk side by side with people who want attention only for them, which drains our energy. 

Life is not Big Brother, but, as in the TV show, everyone has the right to be in the spotlight once in a while. It makes us feel that, in that single moment, someone is watching us as if they were watching their favorite reality show: with attention, curiosity, and a keen ear.

What does failure mean to you

Since I left my job one year ago, I spent a lot of time thinking about failure. The fact is I’m 33 years old, with no kids, emotional or financial stability, and I don't have my own place. In my head, I’m a loser–sarcastic laugh– but come on! I know I’m not a loser. Years ago, I left a comfy life and moved to another city. Despite all the struggles, I'm healthy, safe and sound. I also survived the pandemic, and just this is something to celebrate.

For me, failure is having many expectations and losing focus on what is really important. It’s like you’re sinking. Especially when you are an adult and have to pay bills every month. I used to look to the past, remembering good memories, and getting stuck in something that was already gone. Also, I used to be addicted to social media. Watching other people “being happy”. We were conditioned to compare ourselves to others, and if you don’t have material possessions, you are considered nobody.

I’ve always been insecure about choices. I was afraid and scared about making bad decisions, and waited for so long that I lost opportunities. The matter of fact is, we shouldn’t wait for the “right moment” because life is happening, and you, my dear, will lose your chance. Weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about waiting for the right time, to act or do certain things in life. It’s funny how the idea to wait is similar to “I will succeed when blah blah blah happens”. If we think about the “right moment”, probably this time will never come.

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The last few years were very hard for me. I’m not a great example of thriving, but I can recognize my value as a human being. Living day by day and surviving the craziness created by society, especially when they say that you should marry, have kids and have your dream job (actually, be a workaholic) under 30.

Recently, I read “Year of Yes” by Shonda Rhimes. In this book, Shonda says she used to avoid face-to-face situations as an introvert person. Her life was in a tough spot when she decided to say “yes'' to everything, from taking care of her own health to job opportunities. She was a little frustrated, feeling bad and overwhelmed. At some point, something changed, and she longed for a new routine, and perspective. And it is clear to me how the power of our decisions affects our future (short, medium or long term). Everything happens during the right time. And of course, by saying  “yes” more often to opportunities, that should bring you growth.

It took me more than 30 years to understand that I can’t have magical formulas or immediate results. I had to prove myself in easy and complex situations to recognize my own value. Remember, you’re not a failure, you are a survivor, and success vs failure is relative. For my own sanity, I avoid some magazines, social media profiles and toxic people. And guess what? This was the best thing that I could do for myself. It’s also important to have a support network. Surround yourself with them. I’m proud to say that I still have a close group of family and friends that are by my side, in good and bad times.

Today, my priorities are mental and physical health, doing my things without feeling guilty, with respect and humility. What’s yours?

Never give up?

To know the right time to quit could be the smartest thing to do for your mental health

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You start to read a book or watch a TV show, and, after a while, you conclude: you didn't like it. You try, insist, but still feel that you are wasting your time. What do you do? Do you interrupt it, or, instead, go through with it? 

Those are minor issues, of course, but consider applying the same concept to other spheres of life. Relationships that are no longer going well, "but we've been together for so many years...". Jobs that don't make sense anymore, "but I may be close to a promotion." Endless professional improvement courses, often in areas that no longer fit into our lives. And so on. 

Experts named this phenomenon as "sunk cost fallacy." It happens when we force ourselves to keep on anything that we once invested time, energy, and emotional effort into. It's not easy to give up on something that we raised expectations of. Also, it is common to feel that, doing so, we are throwing away the entire journey. We tend to interpret the decision to quit as a failure.

A strong woman image is typically associated with those who can manage all the roles magnificently; the professional, the mother, the wife. Extra points for those who accomplish the beauty standard, with active social, and burning sexual lives. This is what the media shows us as successful women. It's not a coincidence that the "Don't give up" mantra takes a considerable place in our minds. 

I chose to write about expectations last January, mainly because we make thousands of resolutions at the beginning of the year. Frequently, we have to make concessions to achieve it. After three months, I can say that I've already crossed off several items from my own list.

I believe this has to do with the very nature of being a woman - to try to do more than we can handle. But, also, with the "no pain, no gain" culture. Stories with "happy endings," that is, people who gain prominence in their field, invariably go through the hero's journey. These are narratives loaded with suffering and deprivation of all kinds (sleep, money, quality of life) in the name of a great goal.

The "grand finale" is the podium, the top of the world! Our society is obsessed with the first place. You cannot be average; you have to be the best. The first place is always celebrated; the second, forgotten. In this scenario, it's common to feel like a failure or a "loser" when we give up on something. 

To write about it reminded me of a Netflix series that completely subverted my perception about this subject. "Losers" presents eight real-life stories of athletes who made huge mistakes or just bad choices. Instead of focusing on the humiliation, the episodes show how they rethought their careers and changed their lives. It shows that, sometimes, failure can be a blessing. Those are very inspiring narratives. But I still find it challenging to know when to give up. 

There are useful tips around, though. One of the things I found most realistic is to think: "what is done is done." It’s worthless to sacrifice your future trying to recover what you invested in the past. Overall, do you want to spend more time, money, and energy on something that is making you unhappy? 

Another way to find an answer is the so-called gut feeling. We know the answer most of the time, but we keep attached to an idea, maybe because we fear others' opinions. We are afraid of not fulfilling the roles that are expected of us. In a Bustle magazine article, Lara Rutherford-Morrison came up with a sharp tip. If the idea of giving up on something brings relief to you, probably you already have the answer. 

After all, what helps me more is a sentence that my sister (who acts as a therapist sometimes for me!) said to me. "Try not to think of giving up, but, instead, of reorganizing your priorities." I found this statement very powerful! It's important to remind ourselves that we have the right to change our minds and choose a different path anytime. Something that is a priority right now could be meaningless tomorrow. 

To think this way may not lead us to the top of the world. But it will set us free for sure. 

About expectations

Balancing expectations for the year ahead is tough but necessary

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Talk about expectations in the first month of the year - such a cliché, right? Let me tell you something in advance: I'm not an expert on this subject. In fact, I'm quite the opposite - I'm always trying to manage the fantasy scenarios that I create in my mind. This is exactly why I chose to write about this at the beginning of 2022. 

We all know that January represents hope for those who believe that a new year brings 365 new opportunities. After everything we have experienced in the last two years, expectations are even bigger. Most of us have big plans, looking forward to resuming the lives that we paused due to the pandemic. Keeping an optimistic mind is a good thing. Still, we have to be realistic: the Covid-19 crisis taught us, by force, that our "dream script" is not always within our reach. 

Knowing to calibrate expectations is similar to dealing with frustrations. Sometimes, our plans don't go as we envision. It could be a long-awaited event that was canceled, or turned out to be boring. An unsuccessful job interview; a change of address that did not happen; a relationship that didn't work out as expected. An unforeseen health issue that forces you to change your routine. And, of course, sometimes, we get frustrated with ourselves. 

Anyway, frustration is in everybody's lives. The secret is how we prepare ourselves for these unwanted route changes. It's always helpful to have a plan B. But, to protect our mental health against all the anxiety around this time of year, it's important to set more achievable goals. 

In that sense, I found a practical tip: lists. I know - this is not big news. But I'm not talking about that kind of list that we used to do in January, with abstract intentions like "be healthier" or "save money." I'm talking about simpler but tangible tasks. 

This idea is not new either, and there are even some methods to do it more efficiently. Like the SMART method, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely. I recommend you to learn more about it if you are facing a hard time getting out of the cycle of procrastination. Here, I will focus on the "S" letter. 

Big plans carry big expectations. And it is not uncommon to think that we need a vast revolution to reach a particular goal. Like the "be healthier" thing. What does it even mean? Be able to run a marathon? Quit drinking? Don't eat fast food ever again?

How about being nicer with you and thinking about minor adjustments that can be affordable? It's hard to sustain drastic changes in the long term. It's easier to give up and then get frustrated with yourself. So, baby steps. 

Maybe instead of making an extensive list for 365 healthier days, with vague goals, try to organize just the following week. What about a daily short walk or a bike ride to a less sedentary day? A 10-minute stretch in the morning upon waking up to activate the joints? A colorful and delicious salad for dinner, trying a new recipe? Being proud of those small accomplishments is a good antidote against the anxiety generated by high expectations. 

Gratitude vibes alarm

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Another tip about this subject is gratitude. Thanks to the toxic positivity that we see every day on Instagram, this word has been misused. However, we could use some gratefulness after those two challenging years.

When we have high expectations about a relationship or a situation, it's because we want to make the most of that experience. Of course, it is nice to project good feelings about our plans. But it's not possible to have just memorable experiences. Unlike what social media makes us believe, regular life has good and bad days. Good and not-so-good relationships, meals, jobs, trips. 

In "Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision-Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice," Patrick J. McGinnis, the creator of the acronym "FOMO," introduces another concept: FOBO. The "Fear Of Best Option" is "an anxiety-driven urge to hold out for something better based on the perception that a more favorable alternative or choice might exist." 

In the book, he explains that we lose a lot (time, energy, money, happiness) when we keep following the illusion of perfection. When we have so many expectations about all the available options out there (and we still don't have them), we cannot see what we already have here.

In other words, when we are concerned with reaching high expectations, we are not content with the things we have already achieved. So, be grateful for what you have today. Overall, if we are here, it's because we are survivors. And we have a brand-new year ahead. 

Burnout Society

Is everybody tired...or is it just me?

A few years ago, I developed a habit I can't get rid of: I'm always reading two or three books at once. It's the same with TV shows. It doesn't matter how attached I am with one series; as soon as I discover that a new season I was waiting for is available, I immediately start to watch both simultaneously. I feel that I'm cheating on the characters, but I can't avoid it. Definitely, I'm not a monogamist when it comes to content consumption.  

This pattern is also present in my daily activities. It seems wiser for me to try to combine tasks: cook while watching an interview or a lecture; do physical activities while listening to a podcast; check Twitter during the few seconds that the elevator takes to go from the ground to my floor. It’s possible to disconnect and relax, but oddly unnatural. Mainly because I'm a writer, everything that I watch, read, and listen to turns into work material.

Multitasking has long been praised as a female trait, but eventually, we discovered that this "special power" just makes us feel tired and insufficient. The feeling that we are not doing enough is something shared by millions of people. 

It's not exactly a surprise that the word "burnout," which was first recognized as a psychological diagnosis in 1974, is a trend almost fifty years later. "The Burnout Society," written and launched by the Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han in 2010, returned to the spotlight. 

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The World Health Organization (WHO) doesn't classify it as a medical condition, but as an "occupational phenomenon,"characterized by "feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; increased mental distance from one's job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job; and reduced professional efficacy." There is a forecast that, as of 2022, the WHO will classify the condition as a work-related illness, which could remove the "blame" from employees for their own exhaustion. In this scenario, companies can be held responsible for the condition in labor lawsuits.

Whether or not you meet all the requirements for this diagnosis and beyond work-related concerns, latent exhaustion is affecting people worldwide. There is plenty of research that indicates the rise of the number of burnout cases and psychological issues linked with fatigue. Besides that, another feeling may make us feel overwhelmed; called "languishing," defined by Adam Grant as a "sense of stagnation and emptiness" in this New York Times article.

It seems understandable after all the stress, sadness, and grief due to the pandemic. But maybe it's time to start to practice some self-compassion and recognize that we need to slow down. 

"No pain, no gain": really? In 2021?

In "Can't Even: How Millennials Became The Burnout Generation" (2020), Anne Helen Petersen addresses the possible reasons why we are so tired. One of them is the generational conflict between Boomers (born 1946-1964) and Millennials (born 1981-1996). The former raised the latter (their children), telling them that degrees and hard work are the only paths to have financial stability. Indeed, "the American dream" was reachable for certain groups in the past. 

But now, the world is different. After Covid-19, the global economic crisis extensively increased social inequality and unemployment. The "lucky ones" who have a job have to deal with poor working conditions, low wages, and high competitiveness.

Meanwhile, social media is an invitation for comparison, making us feel that our success or failures depend only on our willpower. The "no pain, no gain" culture is the icing on the cake for capitalism. There is no more effective way to press people to work harder than guilt.

Although hard work doesn't guarantee financial security anymore, people feel the obligation to perform all the time - even during leisure moments -, showing off their "best self." Thanks to the motivational coaches epidemic that exploded recently, and, of course, to the influencer culture, with the enactment of their supposedly perfect lives. Thus, if you gained weight during the pandemic or missed a work deadline, you know: it's only your fault. You didn't do enough. That's what they say. 

The toxic positivity in social media measures our worth in "likes".  In this scenario, it's tempting to try to do what everyone else is doing, not considering our context and particularities. And that's what's making us sick, increasing depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, insomnia, loneliness, digital addiction, and so on. 

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Keep an eye on the signs

In this Harvard Business Review article, professors Margaret M. Luciano and Joan F. Brett warn that it's easier to avoid a burnout crisis than treat it, so they list several indicators that can be a red flag. Knowing that, maybe you can pay more attention to your inner signs.

Furthermore, if you are experiencing exhaustion, you can find ways to cope with this and gradually recreate a healthier routine. You can try some experts' tips, like the usual but powerful ones: cultivate meaningful relationships; do a digital detox, and see a therapist if you feel that you can't manage it.

One of the most important, though, is knowing how to set limits and say "no." And it's not just about work, but also about the boundaries for friends, relatives, and loved ones. Above all, it's crucial to set limits for ourselves. We can't attend all the events, read all the books, or keep up with all the series. I'm telling it to myself. 

I'm trying to learn something from people who already suffered from burnout and shared their experiences through their books. My reading list grows, and Byung-Chul Han is there, waiting for me to read him. But, right now, I just can't because I'm a little bit tired.

Women are better together

I have a friend who doesn't consider herself a "feminist." However, I see her as a great womankind supporter. She buys from the woman who makes artisan bread. She babysits a friend's daughter, so her friend can have a "child-free Friday night." She reads my articles and constantly reminds me that she's proud of me.

My mother has the same behavior. I can bet that she never read a single Simone de Beauvoir book, but she has always taken care of women around her for as long as I can remember. She does groceries for the sister-in-law who is facing financial problems. Bakes a cake for a niece who is depressed. Buys vegetables from the woman who owns a small vegetable garden.

I had these thoughts after binge-watching Maid (*), a Netflix series that has been causing a buzz for addressing critical issues like domestic abuse, homelessness, and the American social services bureaucracy. Also worth mentioning is the excellent acting of Andie MacDowell (Paula) and Margaret Qualley (Alex), who are also mother and daughter in real life. 

For me, what's most remarkable in this story is the value of a support network in a woman's life. Something that Alex, the main character, has none of. He is a single mom with no money, no loyal friends. No relatives with solid mental health; not one single shoulder to cry on. It turns out that everything is harder for her. She often sees herself profoundly alone. 

Credit: Unsplash (Hannah Busing)

Stronger together 

In Portuguese, my native language, we use the word "sorority" to define companionship, sisterhood, and mutual help between women. I don't believe we have to support a woman just because she's a woman. Sometimes we get disappointed, and it's essential to know the right time to give up on a relationship, whether it's a friend or a relative, for our mental health’s sake.

However, we should never forget that we still live in a patriarchal system, which profits from the fantasy of women's competition. Therefore, I genuinely believe that women are better together. 

After finishing Maid, I engaged myself in a deep reflection loaded with self-criticism: Am I offering enough support for the women who make part of my life? The following thought was: what can I offer, with my current non-stable mental status?

So, I reminded myself that I'm good at listening, and I always make sure (at least, I try) to make that clear to the women I care about. I can tell that, sometimes, active listening is the best medicine that we can give to each other. 

Vulnerability can be a gift

Everybody feels lonely sometimes. For immigrants, like me, it's a familiar feeling. You don't belong to your home country anymore, nor to the country that you choose to live in. Your family and your long-term friends are miles away. 

But my loneliness is not unlike the women who raise their children alone. Or who feel lost after a divorce. Women who make less money than their male partners in the job market, despite all their effort. Women who are battling eating disorders. Women who belong to minority groups, struggling to have their voices heard. 

Women are fighters. 

It doesn't mean that we need to hide our weaknesses, though. To show our vulnerabilities, here and there, is liberating as sometimes people don't know what is going on in our lives. 

Recently, I declined to attend a birthday party of a close friend (the one in the first paragraph). Of course, I could make up an excuse. But I was 100% honest: "Sorry, my dear. I don't feel good this week. I'm not in the mood for a big party, with many people. You are special to me, so, I promise that, very soon, I will cook something delicious for you." (Giving people homemade food is one of my ways to show love).

She was utterly understanding and said. "Don't worry! I've been there. Next week we will go out for coffee". It was a small chat that brought warmth to my heart. 

When we find support, we recover the sense of belonging, which decreases symptoms of depression and hopelessness. It can make you restore your self-esteem and find your best self. 

So, if you are facing a dark moment, ask for help. From your mom, sister, a friend - no matter if they are physically close or far from you. You can also find a support group; this is even easier through social media (oddly enough, social networks have something good!). And it's crucial to give it back: offer support for women. 

When I feel that I'm not being supportive enough, I try to seek inspiration from my female heroes: my mom, my sister, some good friends, and Gloria Steinem - the queen! It makes me feel stronger. 

Try to find - and to be - good female support. We sure know how to do that. 

(*) "Maid" is Stephanie Land’s bestselling 2019 memoir adaptation, streaming now on Netflix.

Overthinker

Overthinking will not make your problems disappear 

A TikTok trend about anxious minds caught my attention recently. In the images, you see a woman on a regular day – watering plants, having a black coffee, or trying to fall asleep. In the background, she is narrating her thoughts, saying things like: "OMG, I had an entire cheesecake yesterday"; "I should call my dad"; "What if I had accepted that job offer?"; "I have almost no friends"; "Am I depressed?". 

I frequently see myself in this cycle, overwhelmed by my reflections, and found out that there is a name for it: "overthinking." It's a common habit among anxious people, whose cause some experts explain as a "chicken or egg question." People with poor mental health can be overthinkers, while overthinking can trigger mental health issues.

So, I asked my therapist: "are there some people who think more than others?". In other words: "Am I… special?". She kindly gave me a fascinating neurological explanation, pointing out that our neural connections are much more complex than this. She also warned me that thinking and overthinking are not the same. 

It totally makes sense to me. While thinking evokes reflection and problem-solving, overthinking is related to rumination about even the tiniest life details. Overthinkers are more prone to obsessively devote themselves to events that happened in the past or will happen in the future (Voilá! That's how an anxious mind works!). They can review – over and over – situations and dialogues that they had; or worry too much about events that might come. 

Control freaks 

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Behind an overthinker mind is the desire to control things and avoid suffering. It's as if, thinking hard, we could imagine all possible scenarios so that we always feel safe. But life is not like that; life is unpredictable. I have a personal story that taught me a lot about it.

When I first moved to San Francisco, California, I felt a small earthquake. It was 2 am, and I woke up feeling like the building was crumbling. The day after, I talked to many friends who have lived here longer than me, and most of them said something like: "Oh, that? It was 4.2. It was nothing!". One of them told me: "I don't get out of my bed for anything less than 5". I was shocked, terrified, and could not believe that those people were fine living in a place where the earth shakes! 

It turned out that I spent the next two months overthinking earthquakes. I could not sleep anymore. Finally, I realized that there's nothing more unpredictable than natural disasters, and an earthquake is possibly the one thing in the world that I have less control over in my life. Thinking about it will not prevent it from happening. 

Then I started to focus on what I could control: buying an earthquake safety kit and living in a less risky neighborhood. And that's all that I can do. Of course, I still think about it, but I can sleep now because I know I did what I could.

In short, overthinking is a counterproductive habit because we cannot control the past or the future. Most of the time, not even the present. 

Are you an overthinker?

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In an Inc Magazine article, psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of "13 things mentally strong people don't do", explains that overthinking is different from self-reflection, when we are trying to learn something to become a better person; or problem-solving, when we are searching for solutions to our issues. She lists 10 signs that you are an overthinker, so you can check it to see if you relate to the symptoms.  

One common thought among overthinkers is the "what if" question. "What if the plane crashes?"; "What if I had been more solid in that discussion?"; "What if my friends misunderstood what I said yesterday?". Again: it's impossible to control everything, especially what people think about us. 

To anxious people, it is hard to stop this whirlwind of thoughts sometimes. But it's essential to make a conscious effort to train the brain before it becomes a habit. Studies show that ruminating is linked with stress, depression, and anxiety and can be very harmful to your mood and sleep quality.

Experts also say that overthinkers can procrastinate more and become paralyzed when faced with decisions.

How to stop the cycle

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There are many tips to stop the ruminating cycle. One of the funniest (but maybe I'll try) is the one that tells you to choose a time of day for overthinking. It may work; I imagine that it could bring some sense of control. Or you can try the opposite, cleaning your mind with meditation or writing down your thoughts. 

Another good option is to distract yourself with activities that put you in a positive mood, like hobbies, physical exercises, reading, or listening to music. Maybe talk to a friend about it so you can have another point of view.  

The most important is to recognize the pattern and try to bring your thoughts to a conscious level: 

• What am I afraid of?

• Are those thoughts helpful? Are they bringing me good insights, or just more anxiety? 

• Are those thoughts real or just a fantasy? (Our brain is excellent in imagining catastrophic scenarios)

• Is there something that I can do to solve this situation? Or is it out of my control? If the answer is yes, do it. If it is no, leave it. Overthinking by itself is useless. 

More than that, ask yourself why you are overthinking a specific subject; or why your mind is working so fast? Try to understand what is behind this pattern to work on the cause, not just the symptom. Self-acknowledgement seems to be the answer for most of our emotional issues. Professional help could be necessary. 

Finally, it's important to remember that our brain can always learn new habits. It's all about training, as I could prove it to myself. I am still overthinking about millions of other issues, but every time I feel that I'm spending too much energy/time on a single thing, it turns on my "earthquake alarm." Sometimes our need for control shakes a little – and it's okay. 

Small Changes

Reframing the routine can be the way out in the face of uncertainty

Several people that I know made significant changes in their lives during the pandemic. Some changed their relationship status; others switched jobs; moved to other neighborhoods or cities. Some used the benefit of the home office to spend more time in their parent's houses; or even to have a nomadic experience in different places.

I've pretty much been doing the same since March 2020, when the lockdown began. I cannot complain, of course: I took some short trips since I live in California and there are plenty of deserted places that I could escape to and practice social distance in the middle of nature. Plus, I'm vaxxed and have all my basic needs met. 

I'm conscious that these are enormous privileges, given that more than half of the world's population is not vaccinated, and thousands of people are suffering right now from unemployment, food insecurity, and grief due to Covid-19. Still, I feel that my brain craves some novelty. Should I blame myself for feeling that way?

Yes, the guilt is real, but I think that, at some point, life has to resume. Talking with some friends about it, I discovered that it's not just me. One feeling shared among many people is that the pandemic seems not to have an end. 

When we finally started seeing vaccine progress, new variants and anti-vax people emerged. We feel powerless and cannot control our lives - as the world is still holding the "pause" button.

While some people saw this period as an opportunity for significant changes, others feel stagnant because of several factors like financial insecurity, fear, family problems linked to the pandemic, etc. The rise of anxiety and depression symptoms rates shows that people are, indeed, mentally exhausted. There is a familiar feeling that the days are all the same, in an endless and monotonous routine.  

Routine is good, but so does breaking it 

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It is important to note that routine can be a good thing, though. Several researchers claim that having a daily schedule alleviates symptoms of mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety symptoms, and bipolar disorder. 

Recently, listening to a podcast, I heard from a psychologist that routine could make our lives make sense. She spoke something like: "To know 'when' is one of our biggest existential questions". Meaning: routine brings us an illusion of predictability, a safety feeling. 

The thing is: the pandemic took it from us because "when" became a massive question without a simple answer. Plus, we are still following a forced routine, not a chosen one. Our home, which should be synonymous with comfort, sometimes looks like a prison. We lost our freedom and spontaneity, even to break the routine by making small or big plans. 

Maybe the path, right now, is to try to "makeover" our routine, searching for some newness with things that are within our control.

Small changes, big improvements

Since I noticed that there are many things that I cannot change in my routine right now, nor can I plan a noteworthy innovation, I started to think small. I picked the tiny things that I can control, and started to do minor improvements in my routine to feel that something new is happening. 

I started with the classic "craving a change" act: I dyed my hair. Then, I tried to rediscover my neighborhood. I went to a grocery store that I've never been to before - and it's just three blocks away from my home. There, I discovered several products that I can't find in the store that I usually go to. 

I've made small modifications at home, too. I rearranged my workspace, moved the furniture, and redecorated it with plants and family photos. It brought me a "new view" inside my own home. I also made a small investment in new pillows. Actually, I should change the mattress, but I can't do it right now, so I started humbly. It improved my sleep quality by 80%. That's progress! 

There is a scientific basis as to why we like new things so much. Some studies show that novelty makes us happy because the brain interprets it as a potential for reward, that is to say, something pleasurable. Fresh, new, and unfamiliar stimuli activate dopamine neurons, improving our memory and learning capacity - since it is an excellent opportunity to make new neural connections and enlarge our brain's plasticity. 

I can tell myself that these recent little new experiences made me feel more creative, less anxious and put me in a better mood. Here are some tips for minor changes that can play a significant role in your mental status:

• On the weekend, take 10 or 15 minutes to plan your meals for the week ahead. You will thank yourself when you find out that you don't have to overthink preparing your food (and, consequently, use food apps less often).

• Wake up ten minutes earlier and do something for yourself: stretch your body, meditate, read ten pages of a book, or just have some coffee without external stimuli such as TV or cell phone. 

• Take a short walk after lunch. If you have a dog, even better: take them with you.

• Learn something new that has nothing to do with your work. 

• Buy a new plant. They make the home more beautiful and alive. 

• Rearrange furniture. 

• Buy a new photo frame and put one picture that brings a good memory. 

• Clean a drawer. 

• Give away clothes that you are not wearing anymore. 

• Try a new recipe - and, if the result is good, give some to a friend. 

In a moment when we cannot control big things, thinking small may be helpful. We can allow ourselves to make some changes with safe practices and empathy for those in a worse spot than us. 

When the world gives us no option to see massive and extraordinary perspectives, we may try to honor the small pleasures in our ordinary lives. 

Using food to deal with your feelings? Learn more about emotional eating

Eat less, work out more. Until very recently, this formula was considered the only path to control our hunger and weight. In the past, the idea that our body works mathematically was a consensus. The diet culture taught us that we'd have problems with the scale if we eat more than we burn. So, we better shut our mouths, right? 

Fortunately, times have changed, and thanks to science, we already know that eating habits go way beyond that. 

A person's weight and needs regarding what, when, and how much they eat are very specific. And it depends on a million factors, including genetics, gender, financial conditions, sleep quality, and so on. 

One of the most important is emotional status. The Covid-19 crisis put us in a very stressful place, and it affected the way that we eat. Some studies show that many people had used food to smooth out negative feelings during the pandemic. 

Specialists describe hunger that is not related to physical needs, but to feelings, as "emotional eating."

You open the fridge and think: "I need to eat something. But I don't even know what and why." You probably already have experienced something like that at some point in your life. Everybody does.

People use food to comfort themselves against absolutely everything - anger, sadness, loneliness, boredom, anxiety, fear. 

Food could be a good friend - the one who never abandons you. 

Food, love, and comfort

Remember in how many movies you see the classic scene where the girl is thrown on the couch eating a giant ice cream bowl after her boyfriend broke up with her? 

Although it seems a misogynist representation of women - as if we are always left behind by men - there is some truth to this. Some studies show that women are more likely to eat "unhealthy" (*) foods when facing stress than men. 

And why ice cream and not a vast and fresh lettuce salad? Well, there are some biological explanations for why we prefer sugary, salty, and fatty foods when we are upset. One of them, it's because this kind of food hits our reward system and increases the production of dopamine hormones, which gives us an immediate feeling of pleasure. 

Another answer is that when we are under stress, our brain requires more energy. The best and quickest way to get this is eating simple carbs, as the brain researcher and diabetologist Achim Peters explains in this article on Scientific American. 

But it's also essential to consider the social role that food has occupied in our lives. We have been rewarded with food since birth. Baby cries, and mom gives them milk. Children show good behavior so that they can have dessert. Birthday party? Food. Job promotion? Food. Open house? More food. 

Food is good. And our brains know that. Then, nothing is more natural than seeking a good piece of pizza or our favorite chocolate when we feel down. 

From innocent episodes to patterns

The problem of emotional eating starts when it becomes a pattern. Eating comfort food in every stressful situation could change our food routine, leading to obesity and chronic diseases. 

Emotionally speaking, it's also bad because overeating can bring guilt, sadness, and self-depreciation. Besides, it becomes increasingly difficult to understand the proper hunger signals. 

Therefore, if you face this kind of problem, I have a question for you: can you tell when you are physically hungry and when you are just trying to fill the emotional gaps with food? 

If you are lost, the first important thing to do is to figure out the difference between emotional and physical hunger. 

• Physical hunger shows symptoms like headache, dizziness, irritation, stomach pain, weakness, trembling. Also, when your body is asking for energy to keep working, you are up to eating any food. 

• Emotional hunger, on the other hand, it's more like: "I deserve to eat something delicious because I had an awful day." So, probably you are more prone to throw yourself on candies, snacks, or fast food - overall, your brain is asking: the quicker, the better! 

Now, suppose you identified that what you are feeling is emotional emptiness. In that case, you can try to go deeper to understand the reasons behind these cravings.

In this article, Evelyn Tribole, a renowned dietician and co-founder of the Intuitive Eating movement, spread some reflection questions to understand feelings better. 

There are plenty of ways to cope with emotional eating. One idea is food diaries, which can help you better understand the triggers that lead you to eat more than usual.

Another one is mindful eating, an excellent tool to keep you focused and appreciate meal times more consciously. 

Those are good alternatives, according to specialists. Still, most of them reinforce the importance of self-acknowledgement to ending the emotional eating cycle.

So, if you are eating your feelings regularly, consider seeing a therapist. Ice cream is good, but it feels even tastier when you understand what is going on inside your mind. 

(*) I use the word "unhealthy" between quotes because this concept of "bad" and "good" food is out of date. There is a broader notion nowadays between nutritionists who study eating behavior that putting food in these categories brings more doubts and guilt. Every food is good inside a moderate and balanced diet.

After a long wait, we got vaccinated. Now what?

New York Magazine recently had a cover story about reopening anxiety. "The Return of FOMO," says the headline, with a photo of a girl looking at the horizon accompanied by millions of thoughts, all of them linked to the endless possibilities that start from now on: the return of shows, restaurants, events, parties, and, above all, meeting larger groups of people. 

The worry caused by waiting to be vaccinated still is a reality for millions of people around the world, unfortunately. But, here, especially in the states where the number of vaccinated people are progressing (like California and New York), a new type of anxiety is growing among the lucky ones who are fully vaxxed, and it's about resuming the "old normal."

Last year, we taught our brains new habits of what we called "the new normal", such as social isolation and the omnipresence of masks and hand sanitizer in our lives. When these behaviors finally are in automatic mode, we are again facing a paradigm change, which brings us some discomfort. 

Despite the vaccine, there is still a general fear and uncertainty hanging in the air. We know so little about the new variants and the long-term side effects in people who have already been infected. Some people also feel insecure because most of their relatives haven't been vaccinated yet (this is my case, since my whole family lives in Brazil). 

We understand that the vaccine doesn't solve all our problems, and returning to the life we used to have is not automatic.

If you are also feeling this way, don't worry; you are not alone. According to the American Psychological Association report 49% of Americans said they don't feel comfortable resuming personal interactions when the pandemic ends. And it's easy to understand why. 

Back to the cave

Post-pandemic anxiety has drawn specialists' attention. Some of them use the term "cave syndrome" to feature the struggle to return to social life. This is not an official disorder, recognized by the DSM-5, but it helps us to name this confused feeling: while part of us wants to return to our old social habits; the other part wants to stay in our comfy caves. 

During the pandemic, many people completely changed their lifestyles for the better. Of course, I'm talking about the ones who kept their jobs and worked from home. Overall, with all the guaranteed basic needs, it was even possible to have some advantages to their ‘new lives’. 

For instance, remote work allowed some people to migrate from urban centers to more distant places, infinitely cheaper and quieter, and with luck, even closer to nature. 

Some managed the hours once spent on the commute in a more balanced routine, with healthier eating habits, more hours of sleep, daily physical activity, and some time for hobbies. 

Finding small pleasures inside the home was also an excellent tool to preserve mental health during this period. Cleaning, gardening, playing with the dog, or baking a cake have become some of these precious joys, once forgotten when we used to be distracted by the outside world. 

And what about the beauty rituals that we could just let go, from the moment we didn't have to "perform" for anyone? Several women discovered that they don't want to dye hair, apply nail polish, wax, or use tight and uncomfortable clothes ever again. 

Suddenly, we allowed ourselves to spend a weekend binge-watching series, guiltlessly, without the fear of missing out. Everybody was doing the same (or at least they should have been), staying inside the cave to stop the virus spread, right? 

Anyway, there was no longer the urgency of the weekend; no more excuses for the parties you didn't want to go to but felt obligated because "everyone would be there." All of a sudden, staying in the cave became super fun and comfortable.

There is light at the end of the cave

Ok, your cave is warm and perfect, but so is life outside. In-person connections are essential for our well-being, so what about finding a middle ground? Here are some tips from specialists. 

→ First, don't blame yourself for feeling anxious. It has been a hard time, so it might take a while for your brain to learn the new social codes. 

→ Try not to compare yourself. It's not because your friends are already feeling comfortable going to crowded places that you must feel that way. Each person has a different rhythm and way of looking at life.

→ Go slow. If you do not feel ready to go to a place with many people, try a coffee with just one friend. Then, little by little, increase your social interactions accordingly with your needs. 

→ Use the quality over quantity rule. After a year, we could recalibrate our relationships. Now we know who the party friends and the true ones are. And this is a good thing, right? Now you can ask yourself: do I need to say "yes" to every person, to every event? Would it be better to have a smaller number of experiences with a higher quality of exchange? There is no better time to ask these questions than now.

→ Seek professional help if you realize that you can feel stuck at home. You can find more information about different anxiety disorders (including Social Anxiety Disorder) in this link. 

Lastly, every time you feel anxious, try to celebrate the gift of being vaccinated. Believe me: this is still a privilege for few.

Do you still believe in Instagram happiness? Well, think again

I have a friend who is very active on social media. Upon noticing that her last post was in March, I was worried and messaged her. "Are you ok?". She replied: "I'm completely fine! I'm on a trip with a friend and took a break from Instagram."

It was such a relief to know that she was enjoying real life. At the same time, I was surprised at how I used Instagram as a kind of parameter of well-being. After all, to what extent do I believe in mere photos -  or the lack of them? 

I'm a curious researcher about the impact of social media on our mental health. At this point, I should not be deceived by what I see on my feed because I'm pretty conscious about the fact that posts are just a fraction of one's life. 

This seems even clearer when I think about countless acquaintances who are the  opposite of the friend I mentioned in the first paragraph. They are miserable and empty in real life but, on Instagram, all they share is joy, success, and namastê. 

Fake smiles

Researching the reasons that lead people to have a "persona" online, which does not always correspond to reality, I found this article. It brings an "experiment" proposed by the writer and podcast host Tracy Clayton in 2018, on Twitter.  

"I'm curious. If you're comfortable doing so, post a picture of you that you shared on social media where you were actually having a really tough time in life even though you look perfectly fine in the picture", she wrote. 

Several followers answered her with pictures of smiles, accompanied by captions that explain the context before the click. There are stories about financial problems, anxiety crises, panic attacks, breakups, eating disorders, chronic illness, postpartum depression, bullying, sexual assault, and even suicidal thoughts. 

I felt that those people were trying to escape reality through those fake smiles. It is worth checking the stories, just to confirm that we all have vulnerabilities. 

Fake perfect life 

I'm not suggesting that there is no truth on social media, or that everybody is superficial; nor that we should start to share misfortunes. I do believe that we can get some positive feelings from Instagram, Twitter, or TikTok. 

Photos of paradisiac places and happy moments could be a big source of inspiration. To see images of cute puppies could bring us a smile on a boring day, right? And what would become of us without the fun of social media? Humorous posts can be a sweet form of criticism and invite us to reflect. 

What matters, overall, is to be able to identify if your social media consumption is affecting your emotional status for good or bad, as researches show. 

Especially during the pandemic, when some people followed the social isolation, some not, some pictures could trigger comparison and rise symptoms of depression, loneliness, anxiety, and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

So, have you tried to unfollow that friend who lives a fake life, and, instead, follow who inspires you in a good way? Have you tried to use these tools less passively, and more actively, to make true connections? 

When well-used, social media can bring us a sense of community, support, life satisfaction, and knowledge. 

So, forget about the "perfect life" that some people show there. And, more than that: if you miss a friend, call them, or send a private message. 

Don't rely on photos. Technology is wonderful, yes indeed, but the most meaningful things still occur in real life.

Back to reality

Here are some documentaries to help us to see social media more realistically. 

Fake Famous - 2021 (HBO) It shows how easy it is for a regular person to become a successful influencer, by buying followers and manipulating a fake life on Instagram. 

Fake Famous - 2021 (HBO)

It shows how easy it is for a regular person to become a successful influencer, by buying followers and manipulating a fake life on Instagram. 

The Social Dilemma - 2020 (Netflix)Explores the behavioral and mental impacts caused by social networks, based on interviews with experts and former big tech companies employees like Google, Facebook, and YouTube.

The Social Dilemma - 2020 (Netflix)

Explores the behavioral and mental impacts caused by social networks, based on interviews with experts and former big tech companies employees like Google, Facebook, and YouTube.

Social Animals - 2018 (Prime Video, Apple TV and others)Follows the high and lows of three young people who search for fame and acceptance through their online life exposure. 

Social Animals - 2018 (Prime Video, Apple TV and others)

Follows the high and lows of three young people who search for fame and acceptance through their online life exposure. 

Give Your Brain a Break With a New Hobby

At the beginning of the pandemic, my Instagram feed showed two kinds of people: the hard workers and the enthusiasts. 

The former was trying to use 100% of the time productively, doing online courses, joining Zoom debates, launching new projects or podcasts. 

The latter was waging new abilities, such as artisanal bread, new yoga movements, or Tik Tok challenges. 

One year has passed, and all that I can see today are puzzles. Every time I open my Instagram, they are there. Would  puzzles be the new artisan bread? Could having a hobby be trendy? 

This finding has no scientific basis - it comes from a mere observation of the behavior of the people I follow. Studying about the importance of hobbies to our mental health though, I believe that it makes sense. 

After more than a year at home, we are exhausted. All that we need is small pleasures, and hobbies are all about fun. It's something that you do with no rush, no obligations, no perfectionism. The only goal is to clear your thoughts. 

I never thought that I would be patient to assemble a puzzle. But I finally resumed the 1000 Beatles pieces that were dusty on top of the shelf and was stunned by the calming effect that this activity gave me. And, for this, there is a scientific basis. 

How hobbies work in our brain

In an article published on The Conversation website, Dr. Ciara McCabe, an Associate Professor of Neuroscience in the Department of Psychology of the University of Reading, Berkshire, UK, explains how hobbies benefit our mental health. 

When we engage in an enjoyable activity, the brain releases neurotransmitters that bring a sensation of pleasure, such as dopamine, and the reward system is activated. That's why we feel motivated to do more of it (as when we eat a piece of chocolate). 

Why having a hobby is good for you

Health experts have already identified a hundred benefits brought by hobbies. Studies show that they may increase our well-being, improve our mood and reduce depression and stress symptoms. 

They are also a good tool against anxiety. Let's come back to the puzzle as an example. While you are trying to find the next match, there's no room in your mind to think about the fight you had with your boss; or with a decision that you have to take next week.

Voilá: hobbies bring you to the present. 

Plus, they are an excellent way to take your brain out of "automatic mode" because they arouse new neural connections and feed your creativity.

It is no wonder that studies associate hobbies with longevity and less risk of dementia in late life. 

And if you are feeling lonely, there's one more reason to find a hobby - it could bring you new friends with interests in common. 

How to find a hobby? 

I have read many tips about finding a hobby, but I don't believe in formulas. The idea that I like the most is: try to find your inner child. What did you like to do during childhood that adulthood took from you? Think about that. 

The most important thing is that you have to focus on pleasure, so try not to be so hard on yourself. I have some suggestions if you are running out of ideas. 

Artistic

If you want to learn how to play an instrument, it's time! Beyond amusing, it could improve your memory. 

Not your thing? Don't worry. You can try exploring other artistic gifts, such as painting watercolor, taking pictures, drawing, making clay sculptures, etc. Recreational arts are great friends of our well-being. 

Mental

Beyond puzzles, you can try Lego, chess, or domino. If you don't like games, you can use your intellectual side to write, which is an excellent way to understand your feelings better. 

Another option is reading. Overall, books are always a good company. If you don't have the motivation to engage in reading by yourself, join a book club and have fun! 

Manual 

There are many manual activities at home suitable to clear your mind, like woodwork, fixing, or building things. Handcrafts, in general, are pretty relaxing, so give a try to crochet, knitting, sewing, candle or jewelry making, etc.

Gardening is another notable trend during quarantine - I believe that people are craving a little of nature contact. In addition to beautifying your home, taking care of plants helps to alleviate depression and anxiety symptoms. Green heals! 

Finally, we cannot forget the kitchen, that place in the house that can be genuinely therapeutic. So cook! Bake! Try to make your own artisan bread. Your mind will thank you, and so your stomach. 

Physical

If you are a movement person, you can engage in a new physical activity, a proven natural medicine for our mental health. Maybe you can try yoga, ballet, or stretching. During quarantine, many gyms are making classes available online. 

Still in doubt?

As strange as it may seem, it's not always easy to find a hobby. It's hard to find out what to do with our free time in a world that presses us to be productive like machines. 

It turned out that we taught our brains that every activity needs a reason and has to bring some result. But it's important to remember that pleasure is "the" result because it's crucial to our emotional balance. 

So, every time that your brain asks you the "why" of your hobby, answer: "it's for your own sake"!". 

Mental Health: Fighting Stigma Is Not Enough

When we talk about mental health, we often suggest that people seek help when they are experiencing signs of depression or if their anxiety is disrupting their lives. We say that therapy is cool, and that there’s no shame in seeing a psychiatrist. What we too often fail to mention or see (perhaps because we’re privileged?) is how much this kind of help costs.

When I first started looking for a psychiatrist (which wasn’t an easy action to take, by the way!), I was shocked to learn that a big chunk of them do not accept insurance (so I’d have to pay around $250/session out of pocket). And if you are lucky enough to find one that takes insurance, very often you will have to wait 2 months to get an appointment. Just a side note here: when talking about mental health, 2 months can make a big difference in someone’s life (or decision to end it).

Luckily I found help that accepted insurance and the copay wouldn’t hurt that much. And although it wasn’t the best help to be honest, still, it was the help I needed at that moment and I’m grateful I got it. But it made me realize why mental health in the United States is in such a crisis: it’s not only the stigma and accepting help, it’s paying for it, too.

According to the CDC, 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year, and 1 in 25 Americans lives with a serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. In 2018, suicide was 10th leading cause of death in all ages, but 2nd (yes, SECOND) in age groups 10-34. This is a public health issue that I believe is being addressed poorly, and these numbers reflect just that.

Telling people that it is ok to seek help is not enough. The Affordable Care Act improved access to mental health care, but there is still work to be done. Many patients can’t afford the copay for therapy sessions or medications, for example, and they end up quitting treatment. Although I could afford 100 bucks out of my pocket to pay for my Zoloft + Abilify + monthly Psych session, a lot of people don’t have the “luxury” of adding this amount to their budget. They are already struggling to keep up with food, rent and gas, all while many times, also battling to get out of bed. Not to mention we still have over 30 million people who don’t have health insurance at all in this country (which is a whole issue of its own).

So no. Fighting mental health stigma is necessary, but it isn’t enough. And we (me included) need to be more mindful when telling someone to seek help. Health insurance plans work differently, your copay amount is not the same as mine, and again, a lot of people don’t have access to insurance at all. Because universal healthcare access is still a utopia, what we need to do if we really want to help this crisis is to pressure our lawmakers to make mental health care even more accessible and build policies that promote preventive measures.

And if you or someone you know need help finding or paying for mental health care:

• Low Cost Treatment: resources that offer assistance in paying for treatment.

• If you’re concerned about insurance coverage, here’s an article that might help.

Other resources:

Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor 24/7

Trevor Project: 24/7 LGBTQ+ crisis intervention and suicide prevention hotline at 1-866-488-7386

Trans Lifeline: peer support hotline run by and for trans people at 877-565-8860

To Write Love on Her Arms: to find local resources in your area

Feed Your Mind | Mental Health 2021

We often see conversations about diets, calories, and how to feed the body. How to keep it strong and healthy. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say. Well, I believe in more of a holistic approach. When addressing health, it’s useful to remember that what we feed our minds is as important as what goes inside our bellies.

As someone who lives with chronic anxiety and depression and has recently cut ties with meds, I decided to start watching myself. Although what I eat does have an impact on my gut health, and consequently, my mental state, it turns out that  how I am “feeding” my mind trumps what goes in my mouth (note: I still eat healthyish though!).

To me, there’s no question that the days I start out by scrolling on social media, are the ones I feel more anxious. Especially with everything that’s been going on lately. One negative thought leads to another, and suddenly it’s a snowball of negativity rolling inside my head. And that means I’m feeding my mind the wrong way.

On the other hand, listening to music while showering boosts my mood. Not pressuring myself to be productive actually helps me accomplish things throughout my day. Reminding myself to take a few deep breaths (and doing so!) in fact calms me down. But besides that, I actually have some “mind food” I want to share. It’s not books or meditation, I guess you get that a lot already. It’s just a few things you can watch, play, and learn with, that I believe can be good for you.

Netflix

[youtube=://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr-WvA7uFDQ&w=854&h=480]

To start, let me introduce you to my other Queen B: Brené Brown. She’s a shame and vulnerability researcher who’s work has helped thousands of people. Her special on Netflix is entertaining, funny, and perhaps what you need to warm your heart.

[youtube=://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bB_XlzERp4&w=854&h=480]

Laughter is one of the best therapies there are, so I’d like to recommend one of the funniest women I know: Ali Wong. I had the opportunity to see her live and almost peed my pants. This special in particular is one I go back to when I know I need a laugh. P.S.: if you have sensitive ears and sense of humor, I’d skip it…

Spotify

Ok, here she is again because as I said, she’s my other Queen B! But seriously, if you’re looking for deep conversations, to grow as a human, and to live your truth, this is THE podcast. I won’t say I’m always in the mood to listen to it, but once a week I try to tune in with an open mind and heart.

I know playlists are pretty personal, but Spotify suggested me this one and I’m obsessed. Songs from the 80s, 90s and 2000s (up to pretty recent ones like “Savage”), great to shower, clean, work out, or simply to help you get out of bed.

Instagram

I saw Dr. Mariel Buque speak at an EmpowHerNY event and I started following her right away. Not only because of the calm way she speaks, but because the content she shares is a must-stop-scrolling-&-read if you’re interested in starting a healing journey and/or improving your mental health.

Her IG is @dr.marielbuque

I don’t know if you already follow this guy, but if you don’t, please do! His videos full of moves and positivity started going viral in 2019, I think. It took off from there and today he has over 800k followers, and is using his platform to spread love, inspire others, and invite you to make some moves, too!

His IG is @donte.colley

Learn & Play

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As I mentioned, start the day scrolling on social media increases my anxiety. One way I found to help me do something else (while taking my sweet time before getting out of bed) is playing while learning Spanish on Duolingo App. You can choose from many languages, it’s fun and it’s free!

Of course there are many other ways to give your mind some “good food” (literal food is one of them!). These are just a few things that I personally find helpful, and I’m sharing with hopes that you will find them helpful, too. Just remember that feeding your mind the right way is very important, especially nowadays with all the troubles we’ve been facing as a society. Oh, and not to mention (before I forget), this is also self-care. Happy new year!

Disclaimer: each person is different and has different needs. When talking about mental health, there are many ways to find improvement. But what works for me, might not work for you, and vice-versa. That goes with medications, diet or mindfulness techniques. It is crucial that you listen to your body, your therapist, and your doctor, so you can find what works best for you.

In Times of An Endless Global Pandemic: Inner Closeness And Other Thoughts

I am a writer living the dream during a premature midlife crisis in the midst of a global pandemic. I started writing this novel two years ago because I needed closure to things I didn't fully understand. In a writer's world, this is often a gift or a curse. For me, it was both. 

My novel is about time. It took me a while to see that. When you're writing a long-form piece, the purpose behind the narrative takes a long time to reveal itself. Sometimes, it takes the entire written work before we find out what it is about. For me, it happened  two chapters from the end. I realized that the questions I've been meaning to ask have always been there.They've merely been mutating, traversing between my thoughts. 

The pandemic is still happening out there. The world has stopped for a while because of the Coronavirus, a disease that doesn't require introduction. It has spread faster than the News and reached places further than the internet could ever have. Earlier in March, we were told to stay home in order to flatten the curve, because the amount of sick people would soon outnumber the health system's capacity all around the globe. Hospitals, healthcare workers, the hope that we would defeat the virus before it defeated us. All saturated. We haven't flattened the first to begin with and we are about to face it again.

The protagonist of my book seems to think she has all the time in the world in her hands. She doesn't and she'll find out soon enough. Those who know me well would say I'm a ruthless writer, a stark contrast with my otherwise compassionate and romantic nature. I do not protect my characters from the harder realities of life. Every writer flirts with the idea of playing God, of sewing together the stories of characters who initially didn't relate to one another. In this writing process, to fuse the avenues of these lives is to create something the writer might not be ready for, but, we don't hesitate to take the risk. The possibility of foisting these characters’ fates into a new world order feels powerful and intoxicating.

My novel is about choice. I have never had time to do anything I wanted to do. There was always something in my way. Family, jobs, to-do lists. Now, I have all the time in the world, don't I? In a pandemic, we are just perishable passers-by amongst these geographic islands we've built, so what does all the time in the world even mean? It means now. It means there's no such a thing as all the time in the world. It means I've waited long enough to do so many things. This realization is overwhelming, yet healing.

As I write this piece, New York City is about to go on lock-down for the second time. And, as the pandemic goes by and we all continue to talk about social distancing, I keep thinking of the idea of closeness. Not social closeness but an inner closeness with ourselves. That moment in life when we silence the voices of the world and only listen to our own. This unfamiliar moment of truth. Am I happy with the person I have become? What do I stand for? Who am I when no one is watching? It's a hard task but, there couldn't be a better time to do it.

Finishing my novel was cathartic and beautiful. My protagonist realized that having all the time in the world is a fallacy. Nevertheless, she endured the choices she made. Suddenly, time wasn't a burden anymore, it was freedom. She could never control time, so she decided to walk with it. After all, it's not about how much time we have, but how we will spend it.

There's no greater bridge in the world that connects people than a story. As we blindly walk towards an unsettling future, social distancing is essential to contain the spread of the Coronavirus. Yet, we might find the time to practice inner closeness too. For us. For those we love. Perhaps, we'll learn something new about time, people and ourselves. When social distancing is over and we're able to assemble again, togetherness will hopefully have a different taste. I daydream about the day we'll return to the streets with eager arms to embrace the new world we might come out to. A world where we've been truly given a second chance. A second chance to consider time. Ours and everyone else's. A second chance to contemplate the privilege of choice and be grateful for it.

Why I Chose to Bottle Feed My Second Son

When I had my first son six years ago, I suffered from debilitating postpartum depression. I found my brain telling me horrible stories about my abilities to mother a child. It was like living in a different reality. I thought I was a bad mom. I believed I was a bad mom.

My son was cluster feeding and it was so hard to nurse him. Then pump. Then nurse again. Then try to sleep.

Sleeping was challenging because my brain was working overtime. It kept telling me that a good mom would not spend the day laying in bed, crying, feeling sorry for herself. But I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t force myself to re-enter the human world. It seemed impossible. I remember laying in my bedroom in the dark with my baby, willing myself to get out of bed. My husband would check on me. He was worried. I would give him the baby and cry myself to sleep. I would sleep for about thirty minutes before I would have sore boobs ready to nurse again. I remember constantly having a throbbing headache. One of the ones that you cannot shake. It lasted three weeks before I gave into the help everyone was begging me to get.

When I was pregnant with my second son, I knew that I had to do something differently than I did with my first. I was absolutely terrified that I would end up back in the same deep, dark, pit of sadness I had experienced before. And I knew my baby needed me to be happy. He needed a mommy that could show him how much he was loved. My toddler needed a mommy that could love him and cuddle him and reassure him that he wasn’t being replaced. And I needed to be me. I needed my own good mental health so I could be present, for the good and the bad. I needed to be in a place that wasn’t a dark room with dark thoughts.

So, I decided that I would exclusively formula feed my son after his birth. 

Normally when I say that I get a collective gasp. Many women clutch their pearls, but I am at peace with this decision and won’t allow anyone to shame me for it. 

Why formula feeding for my second son? Because I was on an antidepressant. And it was not a medicine that would allow me to breastfeed. That’s all. This antidepressant would allow me to have the stability I needed postpartum while I had raging hormones. And as a woman that already experienced depression, I knew I had a higher chance of developing postpartum depression.

I chose my mental health over breastfeeding my child. Some might say that I’m selfish. I have heard that time and time again. But in the deepest part of my soul, I know that bottle feeding my baby is the least selfish thing I could do. I had been off my antidepressant before, and it was bad, really, really bad. I had tried multiple times to get off it. I thought that since I was feeling good, that I didn’t need it anymore. But that was so wrong. It meant that my medicine was working. And proved that I needed it.

I didn’t want to be on medicine for my mental health. I didn’t want to have to choose between breastfeeding and bottle feeding for my son. But it was a choice that I had to make. And I did.

In the back of my head, I still have a small nagging feeling that I should have tried nursing my second son. And if I started feeling bad, I could switch to a bottle. But the problem with that is this – when you get to a point where you realize you are depressed, you are too deep to climb out of the hole without help. And I didn’t want that to happen.

I am proud of myself for making the decision to bottle feed. I know I never chose myself over my baby. I chose myself for my baby. And I will continue to embrace women that bottle feed their children, no matter the reason. Only you know what is best for you, your body, and your child.

My 22 Year History with Anxiety and Depression | Mental Health

When I was fourteen years old, I was put on my first antidepressant. My parents were going through a long, extremely drawn out divorce and it rocked my middle school world. I moved with my mom and my sister from a very large, upper middle-class suburban home into a two-bedroom apartment. I was in shock and confused and needed some help. I thought the help would be temporary.

But I never got off the medicine. I tried a few times, thinking maybe I didn’t need it anymore. That I could handle this on my own. That always led to a downward spiral of sadness and extreme anxiety. That’s how I learned this is a true illness and I can’t just “kick it” with good habits and yoga and green juice and meditation. 

When I was 29, I was pregnant with my first son. I was so excited to bring my sweet boy into the world and I knew that being a mom would be hard, but manageable. Reading that now just makes me laugh. Because for the second time, my world was literally rocked.

No medical professionals spoke with me before I gave birth about the higher possibility of postpartum depression because I had a history of depression and anxiety. They mentioned the “Baby Blues” but those would go away with time. 

Fast forward three weeks and I was laying in my dark bedroom with my baby boy crying all day and trying to get him to nurse. It was the loneliest moment of my entire life. I didn’t answer my phone. I didn’t respond to texts. I didn’t talk to my husband who was trying hard to help. I made sure my child’s basic needs were being met and that was all. 

I did attend a few social obligations with the baby. And I put on my biggest smile and flowest dress and talked to everyone about how beautiful motherhood was. How it was changing my life. Along with the large glass of wine I would be drinking. Then I would go home and cry in my bedroom again.  

I really knew how to put on a show. I ended up getting help a few weeks later, but if I hadn’t reached out, would anyone but my husband know I wasn’t okay?

I doubt it. I became a master of disguise far before postpartum depression. I woke up so many days and dreaded what was before me. But that didn’t matter. I had to do life. I had to go to school. I had to go to work. I had to be productive and succeed because when you have anxiety there is no other option. 

I would shower and get ready and my makeup and hair would always be done. I was always put together and brought a smile and a jovial laugh to any party. I loved to drink. Which didn’t mix well with my anti-anxiety medication. I found myself at the age of 24, living in Nashville, swinging a full-time job while drinking to my hearts content every single night. At the time, the mixture of Xanax and alcohol were the only things that made me feel okay about life. 

This was the first time I hit rock bottom. I was broke, hungover, miserable, and pulling off my 9-5 with top marks. I don’t know how I did it, but I’m guessing the pills I popped every now and then helped. 

The moral of this story is Women need to learn it’s okay to ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is the strongest but hardest thing you can do. I don’t know if I would be writing these words today if I hadn’t reached out for help so many times. And you aren’t the only person with anxiety or depression or a drinking problem. You aren’t the only Master of Disguise out there. 

You can and will get better. I promise. GET. THE. HELP. YOU. NEED. SO. BADLY.

The Right to Live Offline

I will dare to be carelessly honest with you here. The idea for this article came up one day when I was watching our founder Ingrid Silva's IG stories. By the time this article is being written, Ingrid is pregnant. She had revealed it on her social media in a beautiful campaign, she explained to her audience the reasons why she hadn't revealed her pregnancy earlier. I wish I had recorded my reaction in that very moment because you wouldn't believe it: right before she even says it, I'm thinking "she has the right to embrace and enjoy this experience by herself first and with her family.” Two seconds later, she says it. Weird huh? Actually it is not. As a disclaimer, this is not an article about influencers and their highly demanding audiences. This is an article about people. You and I, allegedly anonymous people trying to make it in this newbie showbiz we call social media, go through the same struggle. Our communities, family and friends, people we love and care about have been constantly and unknowingly demanding from us to live our lives online. What happens when a first-time-mother-to- be pursues the right to privately enjoy such experience with her beloved ones? She has to justify it. Some must argue that this is only happening because she is huge on the internet; however, this could not be further from being true and I will demonstrate here why. 

If the food beautifully presents itself on our plate, a picture before eating it must be taken. If we look effortlessly gracious for any reason, a selfie before going out is mandatory. Remember that trip to Paris with your best friend when you bought that fabulous hat and the wind blew it away and you had to run to get it back and you almost didn't? Wow, that was fun but, did you record that moment? No? Bummer, it would have been a fun memory to have registered in that expensive camera. What happened in the last couple of years that made us shape our lives behind the camera in order to look in a certain way in front of it? Are we living in a fulfilling way or are you just building audiences? 

Another interesting topic I'd like to bring is parental social media behavior. It is out of discussion that the internet has become a digital and convenient bridge between families who live away. Parents will update their children's lives online in order to fulfill the distance between states or, more often than ever, countries. However, when do we draw the line between what is acceptable on social media channels and what is not? The matter of the fact is we have been immersed in this culture for only two decades and already the consequences of this abrupt, and not subtle, change have printed new standards of social and cultural behavior in society. Studies will say that two decades is not a very long time for a technology or curve of behavior to change a society and yet, the internet has done so in such a short period of time, which brings to my attention another thought: we have not been taught any social media etiquette. Although we have seen it recently, the idea of managing the amount of hours or to simply curate what goes online or not has never been in the original plans of those who created these tools. Social media channels are designed for addiction, compulsive behavior and no sense of boundaries whatsoever. Back to my point, this is why it has become socially unacceptable to live an offline life. 

It is not only mandatory to be constantly online and to share our deepest experiences, we have also raised the bar to a new standard: the happier and trendier the moments in our lives are, the more instagrammable they become. It is not only expected to leave our private lives behind us but, the way we live must go through some changes before even thinking of living this life. For instance, when we think about an outfit, we automatically, yet subconsciously, take into consideration if the same outfit will look good on that picture we'll share later. How many times have we gotten to that restaurant or to that party and taken pictures right after getting there? After all, instagrammable pictures must be taken while hair and outfit are still impeccable, right? 

Bringing into conclusion, the social media world is fantastic. It opens doors every single day to so many people. It connects us to job opportunities, it brings us close to family when we're living abroad and don't always find the time to catch up on the phone. The list of benefits is vast and I won't deny it. Social media is good and it can conduct us towards a world of infinite possibilities. It is not about demonizing social media, it is about paying close attention to how we use it to our benefit and to make life better and not the other way around. If the internet is a democratic world in which we can be whoever we want, why is it so hard to allow others to decide whatever they want to live in or out of it?    

Surviving the Pandemic With Love and Humor: a Guidance to Kindness and Self-Acceptance

I am a writer living the dream in a premature mid-life crisis during the global Covid-19 pandemic. It seems like a lot and it is. How am I surviving? Not sure yet. But I'm still here. Years ago, I promised myself I would keep on writing as long as I could breathe. The world has changed since Covid-19 has taken place. New manners, new habits. The mindset of the new normal is upon us. We are grieving things that haven't been born yet. The dream wedding; that trip to South Asia; the incredible plans we couldn't wait to run; the answers for our uneasy questions; the wonders of a better tomorrow. We, humans, love to make plans, that is how we escape the present. Reality lies in the moment we are at and the current reality kind of sucks. It was there, in the middle of the longest creative block of my life, that I had an epiphany: I am the mother of my emotions. I can not control how they are going to unveil but I can take action towards a positive response to it.  

It was a regular pandemic day. Day number 176 to be exact. I woke up and nothing. I felt only the emptiness of ideas as if they have vanished overnight. I was going to write about the female body and its right to exist in the world, but the topic was too close to home and I couldn't do it. There were just too many open wounds to deal with at once. Stephen King once said that “It starts with this: put your desk in the corner, and every time you sit down there to write, remind yourself why it isn't in the middle of the room. Life isn't a support system for art. It's the other way around.” This quote has been my daily mantra until Day 176 of this pandemic. I used to write to survive but, what happens when the one thing you feel you are really good at no longer brings you joy? What happens when the meaningfulness of something you love suddenly fades away? What can we do to survive when the tools we have known for so long don't work anymore?

Writing has always been an expression of who I am. When I found myself incapable of writing, I was scared. Then, I realized that after six months within a global pandemic, it is a natural response to not feel ourselves. When I realized this is a temporary phase and it will pass eventually, the answer was simple: I had to wait it out. Easier said than done but, it is perfectly fine to embrace the oddness of the current times. Especially when what you do requires a lot of cognitive work. History has told us that many artists and writers have overly produced their work through a crisis, which is valid and quite inspiring; however, it is important to have in mind that many artists also made good use of procrastination through tough times. If you are feeling exhausted with everything that is going on and in need of a break, we are in this together. Here are some of the things I have been doing in order to remain sane. As far as possible, of course.

Read a book you have been aiming for. Not a classic because there's some pressure to read those, nor a best seller just because your friends told you so. Search in your memory or on your phone that one book we have been dying to read and start reading it. The more we enjoy a story, the deeper we dive into its narrative and, as a result, your brain gets a bit of a rest from everything that is going on out there.

Plan a Friday night ritual. We all know what Friday nights are about: pressure to dress up, go out with your friends or do something fancier. Gentle reminder: we are living through a pandemic that is far from an end so, be creative. Silence all the voices of the world and find out what you really want to watch. This must be a judgement free zone in order to work. As for me, I have binged The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, followed by a bottle of wine and Chinese food.

Make time to be with yourself. As for now, the quarantine has been put on hold and we are all craving for some social interaction - always social distancing obviously, with our beloved ones. Since we have been stuck in our homes for a long time, consider going out to places you have been wanting to go by yourself. A change of setting might just be what you need to recharge. I have been making regular visits to Central Park, people watching and eating snacks. Always in the company of that book we talked about earlier. My choice was Grande Sertão: Veredas - a six-hundred pages novel written by the greatest Brazilian writer Guimarães Rosa. Here's a helpful hint: as a bilingual writer, reading in Portuguese - my first language, has kept me closer to home in these troubled times. 

Extend the kindness you devote to others to yourself. The reason why I didn't start this paragraph with "Be kind to yourself." is because I have always thought I was being kind to myself during challenging times; however, I was not. A mind-blowing way to figure that out is to do this simple exercise: Pick a situation in your life you feel guilty about. Now, put a beloved friend of yours in your shoes. How would you respond to that? Would you be as rigid with them? Would you consider more deeply the circumstances they are at? While doing this exercise, I realized I was too hard on myself, hence, there is no way to win this battle. The kindness I extend to others, I shall extend to myself too. That is the key to self-care.

Laugh. No matter how difficult the situation is, we are resourceful. Somedays, all we have to do is survive. Get through the night that ends a very long day. This is a long day, but it will pass. Humor is not intended to disrespect nor dismiss the emotions of a difficult reality, but humor is there to help us to get through these moments. Our entire bodies are organic machines of adaptability. As for me, it took a couple of weeks to finish an article that would normally take me a day, but that is okay. I did it for me. I did it for us. Because, sometimes, the only way out is through. The way through though can be scary and obscure but, if we hold hands (virtually), we can make it to the other side.