Why I Chose to Bottle Feed My Second Son

When I had my first son six years ago, I suffered from debilitating postpartum depression. I found my brain telling me horrible stories about my abilities to mother a child. It was like living in a different reality. I thought I was a bad mom. I believed I was a bad mom.

My son was cluster feeding and it was so hard to nurse him. Then pump. Then nurse again. Then try to sleep.

Sleeping was challenging because my brain was working overtime. It kept telling me that a good mom would not spend the day laying in bed, crying, feeling sorry for herself. But I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t force myself to re-enter the human world. It seemed impossible. I remember laying in my bedroom in the dark with my baby, willing myself to get out of bed. My husband would check on me. He was worried. I would give him the baby and cry myself to sleep. I would sleep for about thirty minutes before I would have sore boobs ready to nurse again. I remember constantly having a throbbing headache. One of the ones that you cannot shake. It lasted three weeks before I gave into the help everyone was begging me to get.

When I was pregnant with my second son, I knew that I had to do something differently than I did with my first. I was absolutely terrified that I would end up back in the same deep, dark, pit of sadness I had experienced before. And I knew my baby needed me to be happy. He needed a mommy that could show him how much he was loved. My toddler needed a mommy that could love him and cuddle him and reassure him that he wasn’t being replaced. And I needed to be me. I needed my own good mental health so I could be present, for the good and the bad. I needed to be in a place that wasn’t a dark room with dark thoughts.

So, I decided that I would exclusively formula feed my son after his birth. 

Normally when I say that I get a collective gasp. Many women clutch their pearls, but I am at peace with this decision and won’t allow anyone to shame me for it. 

Why formula feeding for my second son? Because I was on an antidepressant. And it was not a medicine that would allow me to breastfeed. That’s all. This antidepressant would allow me to have the stability I needed postpartum while I had raging hormones. And as a woman that already experienced depression, I knew I had a higher chance of developing postpartum depression.

I chose my mental health over breastfeeding my child. Some might say that I’m selfish. I have heard that time and time again. But in the deepest part of my soul, I know that bottle feeding my baby is the least selfish thing I could do. I had been off my antidepressant before, and it was bad, really, really bad. I had tried multiple times to get off it. I thought that since I was feeling good, that I didn’t need it anymore. But that was so wrong. It meant that my medicine was working. And proved that I needed it.

I didn’t want to be on medicine for my mental health. I didn’t want to have to choose between breastfeeding and bottle feeding for my son. But it was a choice that I had to make. And I did.

In the back of my head, I still have a small nagging feeling that I should have tried nursing my second son. And if I started feeling bad, I could switch to a bottle. But the problem with that is this – when you get to a point where you realize you are depressed, you are too deep to climb out of the hole without help. And I didn’t want that to happen.

I am proud of myself for making the decision to bottle feed. I know I never chose myself over my baby. I chose myself for my baby. And I will continue to embrace women that bottle feed their children, no matter the reason. Only you know what is best for you, your body, and your child.