Self-esteem is not (just) about feeling beautiful

Since March 2021, I have been honored to write for the PodHer blog. Usually, I fill my articles with references and additional links. But today, I've decided to do something different, with a more personal story. I wanna talk about women's self-esteem, but not the one that you look in a mirror and say: "I'm f*cking gorgeous today." I mean the one that comes from within. 

So, let me start by saying that I'm not an authority when it comes to my own self-esteem. Even so, I was able to write an almost-400-hundred-pages-book about it. It made me realize it is easier going deep into issues that hurt you. Guess what? You are a specialist because you know all the fear, the shame, the tears, and those small steps you can take to recover your inner spark. 

I've been writing about female self-esteem for a long time without even noticing it. I worked in a prominent Brazilian website's lifestyle section some years ago, interviewing models and actors at fancy events. We talked about their beauty routines, skincare secrets, dietary sacrifices, and how many hours they spent at the gym weekly.

One thing I noticed, and the social media advent confirms, is that body dissatisfaction affects women of all sizes, races, and social classes. It's rare to find women who are 100% happy with their image. And being so critical about the image you see through the mirror often makes you question your value. 

I have always been interested in this topic because of my own issues. For most of my life, I felt that I should be skinnier. The problem is: I've never been a fat woman. And even if I were: what would be the problem? Would people love me less for that? Would finding job opportunities, boyfriends, and dresses that fit me in the fast fashion stores be more challenging?

Unfortunately, the answer is "yes" to some of those questions. We do live in a fatphobic society. But if even women who fit in the beauty standards don't feel comfortable in their skin (and I could prove that through dozens of interviews I've done throughout my career as a journalist), maybe we are laying our self-value in the wrong place. 

This knowledge gave me the feeling that I had something to tell, so I've decided to investigate what was behind all those beauty routines, diets, and plastic surgery interventions we do to meet those beauty standards. 

I wrote my first book during the Covid-19 pandemic and finally released it last January in Brazil. This is probably one of my life's most remarkable projects until now. Besides all I learned during this time, researching and interviewing several women, I could also learn more about myself. 

It was ironic to challenge myself to write about women's self-esteem when questioning my own. And it has nothing to do with my appearance this time. I had finally lost the four or five pounds that were bothering me, and I could tell I was in a good relationship with my body image. Still, I was far away from what we could call good self-esteem. I was insecure, full of doubts, and afraid.

The reason for this whirlwind of emotions was that before deciding to write a book, I faced one of the most challenging moments ever: leaving my job in Brazil and waiting for my work permit in the United States. 

Not working was not on my plans, so I panicked. What should I do with a forced break? What am I supposed to do with this "sabbatical" that life imposed on me? I spent all my life telling myself that time is the most valuable thing in the world, wishing I would have enough of it to implement all my plans someday. 

Then I had time. So what? 

After reviewing all possibilities and putting my whole professional trajectory in perspective, I decided to revive an old dream for which I never had time - to write a nonfiction book. I had not enough confidence to start a bold project like that. But I tried. 

In other words, being thin during those months was no guarantee to get my self-esteem back.

What really made me regain my self-esteem was to start to believe in my project, when I felt that women around me also believed in my book's value and encouraged me to keep writing. When I saw my book's cover for the first time. When I started to see people wanting to read my book, making comments about the chapters, sending me pictures of them reading and highlighting paragraphs.  

I want to reinforce that basing our self-esteem on appearance alone is a huge rip-off. We need to feel our inner power to be confident; that is the solid basis for self-esteem. This was the most valuable lesson I had during this period. 

Our biggest self-esteem booster is the ability to recalculate the route and dance with the challenges life imposes on us. It goes far beyond appearances, body shape, and Instagram likes. The real confidence comes from within.

The importance of embracing our saudade

As I blasted "Chega de Saudade" by João Gilberto in my living room while waiting for my tea kettle to whistle, I started thinking again about this word and feeling so fascinated by it: saudade. I've written about it before, but here's a quick refresher: saudade is a Portuguese term that refers to a deep longing or nostalgia for something or someone absent. It is a complex emotion that has been central to Portuguese and Brazilian culture for centuries. But it's also something people experience worldwide, even if they're unaware of it.

One of the main characteristics of saudade is that it is a bittersweet feeling that arises from a sense of loss or absence. It is a feeling that can be triggered by a wide range of experiences, from missing a loved one who passed away, to feeling a sense of longing for a place we once called home. 

While saudade can be painful, it is also a powerful emotion that can help us to connect with our past and appreciate the present. It allows us to remember the significant people, places, and experiences in our lives. By feeling a sense of longing for something absent–like your hometown or people who positively impacted your upbringing–we are reminded of its significance in our lives. This can help us to stay connected to our roots and maintain a sense of cultural identity. As an immigrant woman with her heart split into two countries, I can deeply relate to this feeling. 

And as I sit here in my "saudade," I ask you to play a bossa nova tune and think back to a moment or person you miss. Remember to tell them you're thinking of them; you never know who's also missing you and howthat can make a difference in their day. Unless, of course, it's a toxic person or job you removed from your life. In that case, focus that energy on something better, like yourself.  

How about forgetting everything that diet culture teaches you?

Kim Kardashian lost 16 pounds to fit into a dress for the Met Gala last May through a severe and painful diet. It was not an ordinary dress, but Marilyn Monroe’s worldwide famous 'Happy Birthday, Mr. President' dress. 

Some people accused her of damaging the iconic piece. Others blame her for negatively influencing thousands of followers, and encouraging unhealthy attitudes, especially among those suffering from eating disorders.

I remember reading a curious news piece on that occasion. Shortly after the event, Ms. Kardashian treated herself to an overdose of donuts and pizzas. "Guys, I haven't had carbs or sugar in almost a month — definitely three weeks," she said. 

The outcome of this diet couldn't be any different. As experts in eating behavior warn, radicalism and prohibitions linked to food usually lead to overeating. When you deprive your body of certain types of food, such as sugar, fat, or carbs, you can increase the desire for it and have no control when you finally eat it. 

Some might argue that Kim Kardashian's attitudes towards food and diet are just entertainment — we shouldn't take it seriously. But I would use it as a good sample of how troubled our relationship with food — especially among women — is. 

In the last few decades, we have accepted certain things as "normal" to lose a few pounds. But it has cost us physical and mental health damages.

Diet behaviors that are normalized (But they shouldn't) 

There are lots of behaviors that we do (some of them unconsciously) to make sure that we are not gaining weight. There is so much evidence that science already gave a name for it: "disordered eating."

Among the best-known habits are skipping meals, practicing long-term fasts without nutritionist supervision, counting the calories or weight of everything you consume, stepping on the scale several times a day, and taking slimming drugs without a medical prescription. 

Other common behaviors are always being on a diet, never allowing yourself to eat what you like, and being extreme about the type and the amount of food you ingest daily. I bet you recognize yourself doing at least two or three items from this list. 

And I will not even start discussing fads and popular beliefs that every now and then are spread in groups of friends, family dinners, and magazine covers. But I could not resist writing about some of them: morning shots, superpower coffees, detox diets and cleanses, teas and shakes, and an uncountable number of "slimming miracles" with no scientific evidence. 

Not to mention the fear of eating carbs after 8 pm, of being in an event where there is no "healthy food," of overeating during the weekend. This fear feeds an overeating-followed-by-guilt cycle, and many people try to punish themselves by starving or working out to exhaustion.

The so-called "disordered eating" is not a diagnosed condition, so it's not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR) as other disorders like anorexia, bulimia, and binge-eating. It is also not comparable to orthorexia, which is not classified as an eating disorder either, but it is well-identified by an obsession with "clean" (known as "healthy") foods.

Nonetheless, some specialists argue that the repetition of some seemingly harmless behaviors towards food could lead to an eating disorder.  

The thing is: this set of habits is not enough to fill a diagnosis. But I see this is terrible news for our mental health. When you feel that this kind of thought is something that "everybody has," is "normal," or "not risky," it's challenging to realize how much they invade our minds. 

We cannot see how this mindset impacts our body image, self-esteem, and relationship with food. Overall, if even Kim Kardashian is not happy with her self-image, to the extent of starving herself, how can we be pleased with our "ordinary, non-celebrity" appearances? 

Extreme diets bring plenty of negative consequences for our physical health. Besides, studies show that most dieters regain the weight they lose. These oscillations on the scale lead to a 'yo-yo' effect cycle, which can increase abdominal fat accumulation and trigger many other metabolic effects. 

Talking about mental health: how much time and energy do we waste with these thoughts? We should not feel guilty for overeating sometimes, overthinking about calories and the pounds we "should" lose before next summer to wear a bikini.  

To conclude, I would like to cite the social damage that diet culture brings us. How many opportunities do we lose when focused on eating the "right" amount of food? As the psychology professor, speaker, and body image researcher, Renee Engeln wrote in "Beauty Sick":

"Women who engage in restrictive diets don't just face the emotional burden of chronic hunger. They also risk losing touch with the community building and social connections that are so often fostered through shared meals. Dieting can be a recipe for loneliness and isolation."

I love that sentence. Life is short to spend our time counting calories. 

I'm not saying we should eat without control, not worrying about the quality of the nutrients we ingest.  Or that I don't think it's essential to plan our meals and try, at least, to eat in a balanced way.

It's the opposite. We should give food the actual worth that it has. Let's honor that we still have plenty of choices in an unequal and post-pandemic world, not trivializing eating — much less the act of starving.

Ending the period of shame

Why are we ashamed to talk about our menstrual cycle? This is a question that I frequently ask myself. Who hasn’t had one of those days that if you cough, sneeze or even laugh you gush such a load of blood that can go through your tampon, your pad and stain your clothes? Why are we walking around and still not talking about it? Blood clot, after blood clot, after blood clot. There is an immensity of shame that we carry related to our menstrual cycle. 

We’re simply not talking enough about it. In Ancient Greece, and the patriarchal society in which women’s role was primarily reproductive, discussing subjects as our periods and the impact that they have on our life was completely unreachable.  Yet, in our modern days, I wonder how much do we actually understand our bodies and have a safe space to share and talk openly about our periods. 

This past October, an English female football team announced that their players would no longer wear their white shorts as part of their home kit. The decision came after the female players’ feedback and the underlying topic of women wanting to move away from wearing white shorts while on their periods. Other clubs also followed the change in the kit colour. The aim here was for them to feel comfortable when playing if they’re having their period, rather than worrying their shorts would stain and everybody could see the blood spill in case they have an accident. 

It is great to see that our voice is being heard and change is happening. Any small change counts. However, we need to shine a light on the lack of menstrual hygiene management in developing countries that are resulting in school absenteeism among adolescent girls. According to Zana Africa Foundation and Kenya’s Ministry of Health, one million girls in the country miss up to six weeks of school each year due to a lack of sanitary towels and girls drop out of school at twice the rate of boys as a result. 

Menstrual hygiene management (MHM) and practices should include the distribution of clean sanitary materials, necessary changing of these materials for the duration of the menstrual cycle, the required use of soap and clean water for body washing, appropriate disposal of used materials and an educational program to teach girls about their menstrual cycle.  

MHM is particularly challenging in developing countries and has not only health, but educational outcomes. Some studies have shown that up to 87% of girls use old clothes and rags as absorbent materials, and these aren’t properly washed before re-using. This as well as lack of clean, functional, private and gender-specific facilities are associated with girls missing school. There’s embarrassment, fear of being ridiculed, together with menstrual pain and lack of sanitary materials. That’s not only impacts the psychosocial wellbeing of girls by affecting their confidence and dignity, but also their academic experience through participation and performance at school.  

This has to change! And it needs to start now. The more we talk about it, the more it will connect us all. It is through story sharing that we learn. Stories of our first periods, of traumatic moments and of embarrassing ones too. This can lead to ideas. Ideas can lead to projects, and projects can lead to change.

Ditch the Food Guilt and Enjoy the Holidays: 5 Simple Intuitive Eating Hacks

It's the most wonderful time of the year...to eat! The holiday season is a time for celebrating, spending time with loved ones, and indulging in delicious meals. But let's be real; for many of us, the abundance of food is anxiety-inducing. Thoughts of guilt may creep in, especially if you struggle with emotional eating or body image issues. I've been there: chronic dieting, cycles of restriction, compulsion, and guilt. I would use every ounce of strength to avoid "bad foods," only to see my cravings get so bad that I would stuff my face and feel terrible about it. Not fun. 

But there is a solution to enjoying the holidays without getting too caught up in food anxiety. Intuitive eating is a non-diet approach to health that help us reconnect with our body's natural hunger and fullness cues. It's based on the premise that we make our best food choices when we feel free around food and eat mindfully. It helps us learn about our bodies and honor our emotional and physical needs rather than miserably following strict rules.

I have been practicing intuitive eating for about seven years, and—to my surprise—this approach transformed my dysfunctional relationship with food. I didn’t think it was possible, but I radically changed my health and self-esteem. And dear reader, the holidays were so important in my journey for peace with food. So, I’m very excited to share these five tips for practicing intuitive eating during these celebrations.

1) Focus on the social aspect of holiday meals:

Remember that the holiday season is primarily about connecting with others, not just about eating. Take a moment to remind yourself of what you are doing there and enjoy the event for what it is. As you walk into any holiday gathering, remember that this is a special moment you deserve to enjoy, and nothing you eat or do not eat can change that. It might feel simple or obvious, but you would be surprised by how much of our food anxiety comes from losing perspective of what we are doing. The food is just there as an accessory to enhance the experience. Give yourself time to let this sink in, and stay present. I like doing a quick meditation before getting to any social event to stay grounded and open. 

2) Remember that health is *not* about a perfect diet

We are bombarded with diet culture messages that health is about eating "clean foods." Well, that would be true if we were all robots. But we have feelings, and food is essential in our emotional lives. Sometimes, sharing a chocolate Christmas cookie with a loved one *is* the healthiest option, even if the cookie has refined sugars and processed carbs. 

Foods are not "good" or "bad;" they are simply on a spectrum of nutritionally dense or empty. Sometimes, we must consider something other than nutrition. Eating occasional treats mindfully, especially in unusual social settings like the holidays, can be a healthy choice because they nourish us emotionally. Remember: there is no physical health without mental health. So, whenever you feel food anxiety creeping in, go back to your breath and remind yourself that food is also about human connection, culture, and tradition. 

During the holidays, you will probably be around foods you had as a child, usually those with the most emotional meaning. Don't run away from this; instead, lean into the soothing aspect of your food choices consciously and unapologetically. Allow yourself to ​​enjoy the food and the experience of eating. Pay attention to the taste, texture, and temperature; savor each bite. There is no food police; you are free to eat. But remember: you can totally practice food freedom while also practicing moderation. Ditch the "all or nothing mentality." This leads me to my 3rd tip...

3) Listen to your body and notice how overeating does not improve the experience. 

This is the most important and challenging tip I will give you, and it's at the center of intuitive eating. Frankly, I only began to understand this after a year of multiple trials and errors. So please, be gentle with yourself. 

As you eat, notice how you feel. Get back to your body without judging the experience. Ask yourself often: "am I enjoying this food? How is my body feeling?" Notice how the pleasure decreases as you start reaching satiety. No judgment–you don't want to feel like you have to slow down because it's a "bad food" or because you are ashamed, instead because you are learning about your hunger and fullness cues. Sometimes it’s hard to practice this tip when you are busy socializing, but just quickly check in with your body from time to time. Don’t take it too seriously; consider this experience a fun experiment of portion control. There is no right or wrong, you are simply getting curious about your body and how it feels. Have fun, and I promise that if you focus on feeling comfortable, moderation will come naturally. 

4) Recognize the harm of a scarcity mindset. 

Diet culture promotes an "all-or-nothing" mentality, which can lead to unhealthy behaviors such as "last suppers" – overeating on the eve of starting a diet. This mindset is why diets don't work. Our bodies and minds resist restriction and scarcity. During the holidays, it's essential to be aware of any "last supper" tendencies. Ask yourself if you are eating more than you need just because it's the only time you plan to allow yourself to eat certain foods. Remember that you can enjoy a variety of foods all year round. 

5) Practice unconditional self-love

Last but not least, give yourself grace. No matter how things go, be kind to yourself. And I don't mean this in a vague sense. Give yourself the same consistency and care you would show to someone you are trying to earn the trust of. If you feel any sense of guilt, take time to do something you enjoy, such as reading something you love, going for a walk, getting a massage, listening to your favorite song, or whatever simple activities give you pleasure. These actions will help remind your inner child that you are there for them no matter what. Building self-love and confidence takes time, so be consistent but gentle. This is a life-long journey.

I hope these tips will help you enjoy the holidays without the stress of food guilt. Happy feasting to you and your loved ones! May you allow yourself to feel abundant and unapologetic. And remember: you have the right to celebrate and enjoy yourself.

Self-knowledge hurts, but it can set you free

"Ignorance is bliss." I would start this article by saying that this sentence totally makes sense regarding self-knowledge. But I will not, since I'm entirely fascinated by everything about it.

Tests to better understand our personalities, such as Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator or the Big Five, always attracted me. I love to check out memes about my sign, Aries (please, don't judge me!), and see myself in its many personality traits. I recently took a test to determine my dosha in Ayurveda medicine. It surprised me how much our physiological composition, food choices, and lifestyle impact our minds – for good and bad.  

But even though I'm open-minded about, let's say, more "alternative" ways of self-knowledge, what hits me more is therapy. I have been seeing the same therapist for a long time. It is not an easy path, but it's adorable at the same time. Our journey together helps me accept the particularities of my personality. Some of those I was utterly clueless about before meeting psychoanalysis.

Let's pick a practical example. I'm a child of a terrifically extroverted mom and an utterly introverted dad. Since I learned to talk, the comparisons with my mom began to increase. "How communicative/uninhibited/talkative/cheerful she is," they said. And they were right; I could check all those boxes. 

That's why it took me years to understand that my personality carries introverted characteristics (Thanks to my dad!). For instance: I'm not always that talkative. Despite my communicative skills, I am an observant and analytical person. I love to do things alone, but I also like people. I like good conversations, but I wouldn't say I like small talk. 

Those discoveries aren't effortless – overall, we are complex beings. But therapy helped me understand that "it's ok" to have all these characteristics mixed. In a world that pushes you to be social, to show up to be remembered, there is no space to be alone with our thoughts. However, the journey to our true selves can be valuable in times when people are so artificial.

Searching for authenticity in a standardized world

Instagram filters. TikTok trends. "Increase your followers with these five tips"; "Join the 5 am club to succeed"; learn "​​how to win friends and influence people." Every day, we have stimuli that invite us to do what everybody else is doing: following behavioral patterns. To a certain extent, joining the herd and fitting in on what the world expects from us is kind of comfortable. 

Take, for instance, beauty standards: women who don't bend down to them have a harder time in society — no wonder the plastic surgery industry is booming worldwide. Women constantly receive a clear message that something is wrong with their bodies. 

How can we be authentic in the face of a world that insists on standardizing us? How to embrace our "imperfections"? How do we look at our not-so-common characteristics and believe they are completely normal? There's no way to find those answers besides self-knowledge. 

You can choose therapy or your favorite method to become a specialist in yourself. Some people find this kind of acknowledgment through religion, meditation, reading, writing journals, talking to a good friend – or talking to themselves. Sometimes it's a combination of all of the above.

This process's best gain is learning how to think and make decisions by listening to your inner voice. As I wrote at the beginning of this article – this is painful. The herd mentality seems warmer and safer. 

But trying to live pursuing others' expectations about you is exhausting. If you don't pay attention, you will live a life you have never dreamed about. Especially for women, the expectations are higher: work, maternity, thinness, sex life, etc. It's easy to lose ourselves in those collective unconscious parameters and forget what we really want. 

Do I want to be a mother? Get married? Stay in this toxic relationship? Do I really want to work more to get a promotion, or do I prefer to make less money and have more time? Do I want to go to certain events, or am I trying to be part of certain groups? Does drinking alcohol every weekend bring me more joy or more suffering? Is going out at night good for me, or am I a more daytime person? Do I want to do CrossFit? Do I want/need to lose weight?

We must make decisions every second of our day – from the smallest to the biggest ones. It's an illusion to believe that by knowing yourself, you will never feel confused or make bad choices anymore. 

But self-knowledge can help you to feel more comfortable in your skin. It can also improve your confidence, creativity, and communication; and bring you healthier relationships. It's about accepting our particularities, failures, and "imperfections." 

It doesn't mean permission to stop evolving as human beings and keep making the same mistakes. But a realization that we can change some characteristics, but not all of them. And learn how to deal with the ones that we cannot change. Know how to deal with failure. 

It's painful to recognize in yourself, with a magnifying glass, all your shadows. But fortunately, what connects us as human beings is our vulnerabilities, not our supposed perfection. 

Cheia de Saudade

I've always had a thing with words—it's a mix of curiosity and admiration. The ability to appreciate words from three different languages is a blessing I do not take lightly. My favorite ones carry a more complex meaning, almost as if they are trying to explain the inexplicable. 

Serendipity. Ineffable.

As a Brazilian, I only began appreciating certain Portuguese words after moving from Brazil to New York. Saudade, for example, is my favorite word in Portuguese because it sounds poetic and because of what it can mean to so many different people.

Dictionary.com defines saudade as an "untranslatable Portuguese term that refers to the melancholic longing or yearning. A recurring theme in Portuguese and Brazilian literature, saudade evokes a sense of loneliness and incompleteness."

Portuguese scholar Aubrey Bell attempted to distill this complex concept in his 1912 book In Portugal, describing it as "a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present."

Bell continues to say that saudade is "not an active discontent or poignant sadness, but an indolent dreaming wistfulness." Saudade can more casually be used to say that you miss someone or something, even if you'll see that person or thing soon. It differs from nostalgia in that one can feel saudade for something that might never have happened. In contrast, nostalgia is "a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time."

Although I can relate to the definition above, I prefer the Brazilian dictionary's simpler version. It describes saudade as a melancholic feeling you get from being away from a person, a thing, a place, or the absence of pleasurable experiences you've once lived.

My mother, Cleusa Aparecida Paula, moved from Brazil to New York in 1996. I was still a baby. Saudade was a word we used daily over the 13 years we spent apart. I asked my mom to share the first thing she thought of when she heard the word. Her eyes sparkled in an innocent, child-like way. She gave me a naïve, sweet answer, that was able to transport me back to the farm she grew up in, even though I've never actually been there.

"It's been 26 years since I moved to this concrete jungle. I feel lots of saudade of my land. The smell of grass and the sound of roosters waking us up at dawn announcing a new day. The moo from the cattle and the horses' neigh. Happy dogs barking in excitement as they greet their owners. Little birds singing, and the parrots' endless conversations. Oh, how much saudade that makes me feel. I love to live in New York, but this feeling shall follow me forever." 

I missed my mom growing up. There was no such thing as Zoom or FaceTime during most of our time apart. Instead, we saw childhood and awkward puberty photos being shipped from my hometown to NYC, and in return, I'd get pictures of her in NYC touristy spots. In 2006, we got a pixelated, low-quality webcam and a very slow internet connection that made communication a bit more personable, even from afar. 

There's a Brazilian expression, "matando a saudade," which translates to "killing the saudade." It's when you act to ease the feeling of missing something or someone. 

It varies from finally seeing the person you have been longing to see, visiting a place you've been dying to return to, or simply catching up with a friend you haven't seen in years. Phone calls, photo albums, and occasional webcam conversations were our family's way to kill our saudades a little bit until we met again.

Although I missed my mom growing up, our distance took a far greater toll on her. After all, I had a loving family around me in Brazil, and she was very much present, even if from a distance. She enforced rules and disciplined us from another country, and my sister and I had an enormous sense of respect for her. 

While I was surrounded by my sister, aunt, grandma, and cousin, my mom didn't have a family with her. Before she met my stepdad, it was just a phone, photos, and lots of hard work to ensure her family had the best education and childhood possible. Even after she married, the void of not having her children around her wasn't easy to deal with. Still, she did a wonderful job. 

"The saudade I felt away from my girls was so intense that there were many nights where I often felt that emptiness, and I had to bite my pillow so I wouldn't scream," my mom said when asked to describe how it felt being away from my sister and me. "It would hurt so much that it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart," she added. 

She said that the days were often empty and colorless, but that her decision to pursue a new beginning to improve her and her daughters' lives kept her motivated all these years.

Both our birthdays are in April. Hers is April 1, and mine is April 14. I spent the pandemic away from her, and I can honestly say that I never thought that spending our birthdays apart in 2020 would make me feel a painful sense of saudade. While I don't spend as much time with her during our day-to-day routine during pre-and-post-pandemic days in New York, the idea of not being able to do that hurt me. I had a small taste of how it must've felt for her throughout the 13 years we spent apart. 

And if there's one thing I looked forward to when it was "over," was a long hug from mama. And you? What do you feel saudade of? 

The Midterms

Historically, humans tend to take things for granted. Take any of our present-day comforts, say, indoor plumbing, and ask yourself how you could live without it. The truth is, we’ve lived without it for most of human history. It was only first used in homes in the 1840s, less than 200 years ago.

The same concept can be applied to pretty much anything, as most of the world’s biggest discoveries and technological advancements only took place in the last century. But we forget about that and assume everything has *always* been there as our inherited right to use – and at times abuse it.

Women couldn’t vote up until 1920, almost 150 years after (white) men earned their right to vote in the U.S. Which brings me to my point: are YOU going to vote in the midterms?

Reclaiming my Rights

I am, and I have voted in every election since I became an American citizen. I want to make sure my voice is heard. I research the candidates and their platforms and give preference to minorities and women (if they align with my liberal views) to try to balance out the low rate of minority representation in politics. 

But I don’t stop there. In 2020, I helped several people register to vote, request a mail-in ballot, find their Election Day poll site, and I sent constant reminders to friends to do the same. I lectured my niece – who was born here but grew up abroad – on the Supreme Court, explaining all that was at stake. 

I even dragged one sorry wannabe boyfriend (that’s another story) to his poll site at 7 p.m. on Election Day. Why? Because I knew the other choice would be SO much worse for me, for women, for Latinos, for LGBTQIA+ people, for Black people. That’s why. 

Do I stop there now? No. I helped to elect someone, they work FOR me, FOR US. When the streets of my neighborhood started to look like a dump, trash thrown everywhere, dog poop on sidewalks, I contacted my representative. They have to do something about it. 

When the urgent-care place all of a sudden wants to charge me for covid tests done almost two years ago that were supposed to be free (remember that?), I contacted my representative to help me out, and he got someone on his team to take care of it for me. That’s how it works, folks.

The Midterms and Our Future

If you think midterm elections do not matter, please reconsider. All 435 House of Representatives seats are up for election, as are many Senate seats. This can have long-lasting repercussions on our daily lives, from immigration reform to gay rights, to women’s health. 

The governor and Senate races in Florida and Georgia are crucial to ensuring not only that President Biden can pass legislation, but also that residents in those states can have better access to health care, education, and even have a right to vote. 

Failure is not an option  

I am a woman, a South American, a Naturalized American citizen, a Latina, a liberal. People like me are a threat to conservatives, are more easily dismissed by doctors, earn less than their white peers, and have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously. It’s exhausting at times (well, all the time), but if I give up, they win – and they cannot win. 

And you cannot give up, either! That’s why you need to vote. Make your voice heard, show up on Election Day, request an absentee ballot if there is still time in your state, and let everyone know that you are a woman, and you will roar.        

Forever young

"Women are exhausted." I recently heard this sentence in a podcast, and I couldn't agree more. It's almost impossible to find a woman who is not overwhelmed with housework, professional demands, and, in many cases, maternity obligations. 

But there is another layer of concern in our minds, and it's almost invisible: the worry about achieving beauty standards. We have several daily rituals that take significant amounts of money, time, and energy when it comes to weight, fashion, hair, and skincare. 

We all know that gaining weight is considered almost a crime in our highly fatphobic society. But ageism follows a similar pattern. Overall, where does this obsession with youth come from? Why is "old" such a pejorative word that it renders aging so challenging to women?

The answers to those questions don't fit in a single article. By all means, the myth of youthfulness affects women much more than men. Take Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Patrick Dempsey, and many others as examples of stars who proudly display their wrinkles with no shame. They are constantly praised for "knowing how to age well."

I've been asking myself what "to age well" means. 

The youth that comes from within

Getting old, especially in Hollywood, is a resistance act. Public opinion criticizes women who accept the signs of age – as well as those who try to fight against it. Madonna, a live symbol of female freedom, frequently discusses the hardship of getting old working in the pop scene (which is increasingly avid for infantilized bodies). Haters say that her face is turning unrecognizable and that she is trying to look like a teenager through clothes and plastic surgery. 

Those who embrace the wrinkles, though, still have to face questions from people shocked by the signs of time, as the Sex and the City cast, reunited at the end of 2021. Almost 20 years later, what were people exactly expecting? 

Showing off a more natural beauty sometimes seems like bravery and resistance, as Sharon Stone, one of the most prominent sex symbols of the last few decades, has been doing. "I started to understand that I was going to go for being more like a European woman who got more beautiful with age and who could understand that women are more beautiful than girls because they know something," she said in this Allure Magazine interview. 

Others use this curiosity around wrinkles for good causes, as Michele Pfeifer did recently. The actor posted a no-makeup photo to invite people to contribute as poll workers for elections. 

Youth has been associated with appearance, not attitude. Jennifer Lopez, who is frequently cited as an example of a woman who  "knows how to age," launched a booty balm when she turned 53. The product was sold out in record time. It's comprehensible: we all are trying to survive in a world with daily reminders that appearance does matter. 

But beyond the surface, being young is much more than smooth skin and a lifted bum. It's about the freedom to be who you are. It's about accepting your choices without worrying too much about what others think. If you want to invest money in plastic surgery and anti-aging creams, go for it. If you want to post pictures without makeup or filters – you go, girl! 

Youthfulness is wearing the clothes you want – not the ones that are "age-appropriate." It is to behave as you please, not as people expect you to act. 

It's spending your Friday night on a dance floor – if you are a party person, or having the peace of mind of staying home with a glass of wine and a good movie and not feeling "old" for enjoying it.

I wish that, rather than striving to be forever young, we could be forever free.

Added tip

I couldn't end this article without mentioning the movie "Good luck to you, Leo Grande," starring Emma Thompson, released last June. It's about a retired, widowed teacher who hires a sex worker to reach her first orgasm. 

In addition to the trump card of talking about female sexuality after 60, the character has a surprising full-frontal scene. "It's very challenging to be nude at 62," Ms. Thompson said in an interview for Entertainment Weekly. "I don't think I could've done it before the age that I am. And yet, of course, the age I am makes it extremely challenging because we aren't used to seeing untreated bodies on the screen."

It requires a lot of maturity to let go of your insecurities. And that is one of the most significant advantages of getting older.

Who are you without your credentials? In the quest to fit in, I forgot to be myself.

“My medicine has always been a dose of madness.

A dose of madness, do you want to try it?

Prove what and for whom?

And if the cure is just

Not needing to prove anything to anyone?”

Allan Dias Castro

I took a breath and looked around the room. Dozens of writers were typing away confidently, but all I could think of was the blank page in front of me — no words would come out. I was in a creative writing retreat, and on that morning we were asked to write a bio of ourselves. But there was a twist: we could not mention our careers, any institutions, or credentials. I racked my brain for minutes and scanned through every memory to try to find a story — my story. Suddenly, the simple act of introducing myself paralyzed me. How could I capture who I am without these things? I didn’t know where to start.  

As others shared their bios, I understood the assignment. Their life experiences, interests, dreams, and memories were more interesting than any degree. We all have complex stories, and when you remove our credentials —especially in this digital age where social media is making us used to highly curated representations of ourselves — the complexity shines through. I highly recommend this exercise. 

For example, in a regular bio, I would have written something like “I recently graduated with a master's degree in journalism with a focus on long-form storytelling.” But on that morning, I wrote that when I was 16 years old, my hometown — São Paulo — was taken over by violent clashes between the police and the prison gang PCC. As I passed the carcass of a bus that had been consumed by flames, I found myself overwhelmed by questions and a deep desire to understand the world around me — all of which ignited a passion to tell stories. I don’t know about you, but I think the second bio is more interesting.  

The writing retreat was my graduation gift. I wanted to get my creative juices flowing before starting the next step in my journalism career. But the thing is, when I went home, I forgot about that lesson. 

But before I tell you about what happened, you need to know a bit more about me. I moved to the U.S. 12 years ago, and have been working as a fashion model since then. When I enrolled in my master's program, I started to realize how different my story was from everyone else’s, and how my professional background was pretty obscure in the eyes of most people in school. Besides, there were few international students living permanently in the US. As a woman, an immigrant, and a fashion model, I knew some people just wouldn’t take me seriously. 

So, when I graduated — and started to look for journalism jobs — I knew I had extra challenges. And to try to convince employers that I’m qualified, I decided to hide my story. In an attempt to be perceived as “normal,” I sent out generic applications, and only mentioned my credentials and skills. Ironically, I did the opposite of what that writing workshop taught me. 

Well, no surprise that didn’t land well… 

When one of my career mentors saw my cover letter, she looked at me like she was about to yawn:

“This sounds boring. What about your story? There is no sense of who you are and why you want to be a journalist.”

Hiding my story meant hiding myself, and well, also my potential as a journalist. If people can’t see us, of course, they would not find us interesting. There was no sense of passion in those letters. 

“You sound like just anyone who gets into journalism for no good reason rather than making some money and getting a job,” my mentor said.

I was telling my story the way I thought it should be told, instead of the way it is. In the process, I left out everything that’s interesting. And the truth is, everyone has a different story, and that’s what makes us unique. Expecting to fit in by pretending to be someone else (or by hiding part of your journey, in my case) is disrespectful to yourself. I realized that I was insulting my beautiful, messy being, by assuming I needed to hide for acceptance.

Don’t make the same mistake that I did. Fitting in is overrated. You should never feel pressure to make yourself look like who (you think) others want you to be. We are all better off showing up as we are, and attracting whatever it is that truly is ours. At the end of the day, to attract a life that fits you well, you need to show up as you. Remember, we all have a different and interesting story, and it’s your job to find the courage to tell it. 

I hope you fully embrace yourself, your background, your journey, and everything that makes you unique. Share it proudly everywhere you go!

How to deal with spending problems

Spending problems are real, and it is common to find people living with it without ever realizing how it impacts their finances, personal dreams, and future. Usually, compulsive shopping leads to reckless spending, which can lead to debt and low credit scores.

But shopping can also make you feel better, and sometimes it comes with a guilt-ridden feeling when you receive your credit card statement. Does it sound like you?

You're not alone. Up to 16% of the American adult population is affected by compulsive overspending. And personal finances are heavily influenced by your spending habits. 

When you combine what feels good, along with the convenience of shopping whenever you want, it's easy to get carried away. There may be a few of these situations that apply to you if you are prone to reckless spending: 

• Shopping makes you feel better – and guilty, sometimes

• Shopping without a purpose

• Undisclosed spending

• Growing debt

If these problems are common to you, you have to be aware that money plays a key role in achieving your life goals. 

Getting your spending under control starts with setting goals. You can have financial goals of any length, from breaking the paycheck-to-paycheck cycle to traveling around the world. 

With a clear idea of your goals, consider how much it will take to accomplish them. Save and invest every month, even if it's less than you need to accomplish your goals, focus on creating a habit in the first place. Even small changes over time can lead to big results when it comes to curbing habits.

Easy steps to wise spending:

• Shop for groceries with intention: you know what you need because you have a list, even for junk food.

• Shop online with purpose: be aware of small online expenses and don't buy things you don't need right now. Do not buy something today if you can get it tomorrow.

• Stop solving problems with new products: if you can fix something, you can save money. 

• Social media detox: unfollow and mute pages that make you consume more. Keep an eye on your consumer triggers. 

• Make a budget: you can set aside money for pampering yourself. No need to be greedy, but you should know how much you can spend per month to reach your financial goals.

Also, remember that reckless spending can be a sign of anxiety and other mental challenges, to which we are all exposed. So, remember not to compare yourself with anybody and exercise every day, even if just for 20 minutes. It helps to fight anxiety and depression by balancing the hormones in your brain.

Finally, if you've just discovered you might have spending problems, don't worry and be kind to yourself. Making one habit change at a time is more powerful than you can ever imagine. You just need to move forward. 

How caring for a loved one made me more caring (and jaded)

A few months ago, I wrote "Heart Split into Two Homes," a piece in which I shared my experience being a Brazilian immigrant with her heart split into two homes. My "heart" in this context was my grandma. I started the essay with something she told me before I got on the plane: "I see you everywhere. I miss you so much already, but I know you're happy and well, and I wish you all the best. You deserve it. That's what keeps me going. I love you so much." In case you missed it, she is the one who raised me when my mom moved from Brazil to NYC. She’s also the person in my life to whom I’m the most attached. 

I didn't think I'd be visiting her anytime soon. With a year filled with events and my wedding coming up, I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be able to return to Brazil until 2024. Tickets are usually expensive, and I wanted to enjoy summer in NYC. But here I am, writing this blog post as she's next to me, taking a quick nap on her comfy chair in my hometown. 

She cared for me the last time I was here in April. She made her delicious meals (her love language), asked me to be careful every time I left the house, and we took our daily naps on the couch. But her health has been concerning us. She just turned 86 in May, and most people didn't even believe she was that old. She's always been a very strong, independent, sweet lady. However, over the past year, we've noticed changes in her voice. It was getting harder to comprehend her. Her legs were also not the strongest—she couldn't walk without leaning and guiding herself with walls. She was also diagnosed with depression, which we believe worsened due to the COVID-19 pandemic and isolation months.

Then, at the beginning of June, she fell in the bathroom. She broke her arm in four parts and her collarbone. After that, things regressed: her speech became even harder to comprehend, her legs just gave up, and the woman known to care for so many of us is now the one who needs care.

After a few misdiagnoses, we finally got our answer: Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), also known as motor neuron disease (MND) or Lou Gehrig's disease. According to Wikipedia, this is a neurodegenerative disease that results in the progressive loss of motor neurons that control voluntary muscles. 

I decided to come back and work from here while I help out. I remember when my grandparents (mom's mother and father) passed away a few years ago. That feeling of not being able to say goodbye or spend more time with them before they "left" broke my mom's heart. So, thanks to my ability to work remotely, I came. Selflessly and selfishly at the same time. 

Many people tell me: that's so sweet of you to help take care of your grandma. That's so special, that's so...[insert sweet comment here.].

But in reality, I think she's the one who's still taking care of me, even if I'm assisting her. It's something I've never dealt with before. I'm not a mom, and the only other beings I've truly "cared" for were my cat, my plants, and sometimes my fiancé when he's sore or being a baby. So, being a "caretaker,"  to the woman who dedicated a good chunk of her life to me, has been an incredible growing experience. (Also, shoutout to all caretakers, hospital workers, nurses, etc. You're the real MVP.) 

This situation reminded me of those clichés in life we take for granted at times. It made me appreciate those around me more and not be scared of saying I love you more often. This also made me want to take better care of myself and lowered my tolerance toward complaints from myself and others. Don't get me wrong: sometimes we need to get it out of our system, and we all need a complaining session with our friends and therapists from time to time. But I've become jaded towards people constantly complaining about superficial things—the things we can control. 

Everyone talks about the concept of "life is short," but only a few of us truly live up to it. And perhaps living up to it is not necessarily taking trips, quitting your job, or whatever things we watch in movies: maybe it's just being thankful for the small wins and taking care of ourselves. Whatever that may be.

People-pleasing: a very womanly way of life

I apologize if you are not a Friends fan; I need to start this article by describing a scene that clearly explains its main subject: people-pleasing behavior. So, let's do it. Monica realizes that she barely knows her neighbors. To fix it, she decides to make chocolate candies and place them in a basket at the front door, so everybody is welcome to enjoy them. 

The goal is clear - she wants to be praised for that. And the plan works. The candies become a hit, to the extent that a guy knocks at 4 am, begging for some remnant. Exhausted, she can't handle the unexpectedly high demand and starts to show signs of irritation and mental overload. 

It couldn't be any different since she sold to the neighbors a persona that she could not keep up. To top it off, people keep calling her "the candy lady," meaning they were not interested in knowing the person behind the gentle act.  

Feeling accepted and loved is adorable. But if the price for that is to put others' wills before yours, there is something wrong. 

Please, like me!

"She is so altruistic." "She gives her life for her family." "She is always up to help." She is so sympathetic/understanding/sweet. How many virtues fit the womanly stereotype of a "good girl"? The formula to please others is something very well nourished in raising girls. Historically, we have learned how to behave and hide our anger. Even better if we manage not to draw too much attention, as this may displease someone.

The fact that we're desperate to keep up with the current beauty standards is also related to those expectations. In a society that overvalues thin white women, aesthetic disobedience could be considered an insult. In order to get some "likes" - on Instagram or in real life - we sometimes forget to express our true selves. But who is winning this game? Our mental health indeed is not. 

I'm sorry for being me

If you don't know if you are a people-pleaser, I recommend you look at this list by Psychology Today. In general, a people-pleaser is the kind of person who is always apologizing, afraid they are not meeting others' expectations. They find the hardest thing is to say "no." 

Naturally, they feel responsible for the whole world's comfort and happiness, trying at all costs to prevent others from being frustrated. How? Through many attitudes.

Accepting invitations that they do not want to go; keeping their opinions to themselves; leaving others to make decisions for them, and avoiding conflicts. Trying to mirror others' behaviors and personalities, merging in the group as very easy-going people - almost impossible to dislike. 

I'm not saying people-pleasers are bad; on the contrary. In general, they are the sweetest people in the world. But all this kindness can hide enormous suffering. Grounding your life in others' needs, not yours, is like a prison. You accept to live overwhelmed with demands you have never created. 

You lower your value to adapt to others' expectations about you. Unconsciously, you apologize for being who you are, and this feeling can strip off your self-esteem and increase your stress levels little by little. 

Self-knowledge and boundaries: a successful match

"Learn how to set boundaries" sounds like a vague solution to escape the people-pleasing cycle. The question is: how? I advocate self-knowledge for most of our mental health and relationship issues, and here is no different. 

It's crucial to know yourself profoundly to understand your limits better. Knowing your principles, values, and pains makes it easier to regain the reins of your life and the autonomy to make decisions. 

Living in a more active way, rather than passive, brings a sense of freedom. And there is no more honest way to live than being authentic, honoring your true self. You can be surprised by how many people can like you exactly the way you are. 

"Treat yourself like the people you were always trying to make happy," says Kate Riggers in the "How to be an anti-people pleaser" TED Talk. I saved this sentence for the times that I inadvertently became the "candy lady" of my own life. 

Of course, we can offer candies trying to build a kinder world. But there is no shame in enjoying your candy alone sometimes. 

Why do central banks raise interest rates?

Central banks are raising interest rates around the world due to escalating inflation. In the US, the Federal Reserve has jumped interest rates from 0% - 0.25% in 2020 to 1.50 - 1.75%, and monetary authorities indicate there will still be more this year.

But why do the Fed and other central banks raise interest rates? How does that affect the economy?

Each country's central bank, which generally works independently, is responsible for maintaining price stability in the economy, and in the U.S. this responsibility falls on the Federal Reserve. 

The effects of the Covid-19 pandemic and then the war in Ukraine drove inflation higher. It happens because when the economy booms, distortions such as inflation can occur, threatening the economy's stability. 

By raising the federal funds target rate, the Fed aims to increase the cost of credit across the economy, thereby cooling down the economy. In practice, higher interest means that credit is more expensive, as money costs are rising.

Businesses and consumers both end up paying more on interest when thoseinterest rates increase. As a result, high-interest rates discourage consumer spending, especially on financed goods such as cars and real estate. Households will reduce their spending as they save more, resulting in a drop in inflation. 

In times of high-interest rates, what should you do?

Interest rates affect borrowing costs, mortgages, pensions, and savings. The Federal Reserve's interest rate increase has a ripple effect throughout the economy, which means other rates will rise as well. 

In these moments, it's important to avoid loans and mortgages unless you cannot postpone them for a long time. If you need financing in the coming months, specialists recommend locking in the interest rate before it goes up, and make sure you pay off your credit cards on time as well. 

In response to the Fed's rate increase, Adjustable-Rate Mortgages (ARMs) are expected to raise their interest rates, but fixed-rate mortgages will not be affected by it.

In contrast, CDs and savings accounts are paying more for your money, with some savings accounts offering rates of 1.5%, up from 0.20 percent last year.

There are no positives in long-term high inflation, and the rise of interest rates also means slower economic growth, but it's a necessary measure to control inflation and maintain a healthy economy.

Here's why we need to talk about our uteruses more

The past few weeks have been horrifying for women and assigned female at birth (AFAB*) bodies. 

Not only do we, as a society, have to deal with the terrifying news of mass shootings and increased gun violence in this country, those born with uteruses also have to face our freedom and access to reproductive rights in jeopardy because of overly conservative and overly ignorant people in power. 

While there's a lot to unpack on the subject, I wanted to debate the importance of discussing our uteruses, especially in times like this.

The uterus and its nuances 

Brazilian artist Anitta shared on Twitter her struggles with cystitis and how it took her years of suffering to finally figure out that she had endometriosis. According to Mayo Clinic, "endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue similar to the tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus. Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, fallopian tubes, and the pelvis' tissue lining."

She was opening up about her journey and how much pain she was in during one of her most recent concerts in Europe. I felt seen, and so did many other women who replied to her tweets. Amongst the sea of empathy and helpful tips, you still saw misinformation and judgment (!!!) from ignorant people. 

Why do we feel judged for something we literally can't control? 

It's still weird for many menstruators to discuss any issues related to their reproductive health. Speaking for myself, I felt strange saying "period" or "menstruation" for many years. 

I got my first period at only ten years old and felt ashamed. I couldn't go to the pool with my friends, had to skip dance and sports classes, and always had a problem with heavy periods and hormonal imbalance. I'm 5'7 today and wasn't much shorter than that when I was 10. People would look at me like I was different and made me feel that way. I also developed a curvy body with larger breasts earlier in my life, which was highly problematic growing up. The attention I got was not one that a girl my age—or any age—should've had (but that's a whole other topic we can dive into another time).

Back to my uterus: I had trouble understanding what was happening without the internet as we know it today and other young menstruators going through the same issues and talking about it. 

My first time going to a gynecologist was around 18. I'm not sure why it took me this long, but I blame the stigma around it and the lack of conversations about the topic. I didn't know not every menstruator had week-long, heavy periods. I didn't realize it wasn't common around my girlfriends to have that much pain during "that time of the month." 

After a few years of going to the doctor, my periods worsened. I then discovered I had fibroids when I was around 24. Healthline.com describes it as "abnormal growths that develop in or on a woman's uterus. Sometimes these tumors become quite large and cause severe abdominal pain and heavy periods. In other cases, they cause no signs or symptoms at all. The growths are typically benign or noncancerous." 

Finally, an explanation as to why something so natural felt so awful. 

I started being honest with people when they asked me how I was feeling during my period. I would be brutally honest and noticed that some people would feel uncomfortable hearing about mine. Other menstruators felt empathy and were open to discussing their problems with their uteruses. Luckily, now I can work from home if I feel pain, but I've had to call out of work before or go in feeling the absolute worse and looking like I didn't want to be there (and I definitely didn't...) 

I've also struggled with cysts and suffered awful side effects from birth control pills. And many people didn't understand that I wasn't taking it to "avoid pregnancy," but I was looking for ways to have a better quality of life. And I'm still on that journey. Discussing these helped me understand what other people are doing when in similar situations. 

The latest news from the Supreme Court's decision on Roe v. Wade reminded me that many people, even menstruators, do not understand the bodies with uteruses. They do not understand the issues they can have, what problems they can go through and the risks many women and AFABs face during pregnancy. This list goes on and on. 

On uteruses and religion

Separation of Church and State should be the norm, but it feels like a dream lately. When I discuss the latest news with friends and family members that consider themselves very religious, they see me as someone who no longer believes in God.  

I have no shame in saying that I, Livia, would probably not have an abortion if I got pregnant today. Today. With my partner, with the jobs we have, and the support system I got. But if I was in a situation in which my life was literally at risk, I can't say the same. So, we never know until we need to face it. 

But, regardless of what I would do in my own life, I have no right to judge others with different beliefs, let alone support laws and systems that aim to govern based on Christian beliefs.

The U.S. is home to people from all backgrounds, immigrants from all over the world, and so many religions. To be a true American is to respect that. And the Supreme Court and conservatives are definitely not living by that rule.

More talk about uteruses. Less talk about your own religious beliefs. 

*Assigned female at birth (AFAB) - a person of any age and irrespective of current gender whose sex assignment at birth resulted in a declaration of "female". Synonyms: female assigned at birth (FAAB) and designated female at birth (DFAB).

Imposter Syndrome: how to recognize it

Are you aware of anyone who does not believe they can complete a task? Do you feel that you are not good enough for a promotion at work, even when everyone tells you otherwise? You may be experiencing imposter syndrome.

According to experts, this is not considered a disease, but rather a disorder of self-perception, like looking in the mirror and not being able to see the real you.

Imposters are prone to self-sabotage, having a perception of incompetence or inadequacy. There are a variety of negative feelings that are related to this syndrome, such as low self-esteem and insecurity.

The person achieves several positive results, but cannot imagine themselves as part of that. They believe that their achievements are the result of some other factor. According to experts, it is a syndrome related to abilities, skills, and undeserving. Among the main causes of this feeling is a high level of demand in childhood, but it also results from social life, particularly among shy people.

Do not panic if you identify with these characteristics. At some point, we have all struggled with imposter syndrome, but we can outgrow it by understanding our problems and difficulties.

Symptoms of imposter syndrome

Procrastination. A common symptom of imposter syndrome is procrastination. As in this case, insecurity arises from uncertainty about the tasks to be performed. It is important to know where procrastination comes from before you can determine if it is truly related to imposter syndrome.

Self-sabotage. A person who has this syndrome can also run away from certain experiences in which they don't feel safe to play a significant role. As a result, they miss out on many good opportunities.

Self-depreciation. Be aware if you talk negatively about yourself very often: this is also an important red flag.

Excessive self-criticism. While it is important to evaluate our actions, for those who suffer from  imposter syndrome, this becomes completely excessive. Those people seem to lose the ability to learn from mistakes and punish themselves constantly.

Comparison. Last, but not least, comparison is the main sign of imposter syndrome. In general, it seems like people can only find good qualities in others, not in themselves. As a result, we live in an endless race towards an ideal of perfection that doesn't match anyone's reality.

How to deal with imposter syndrome?

Many symptoms and signs of imposter syndrome get worse if cultivated, and it can be very difficult to recognize that we have it. Self-knowledge and making a positive assessment of situations in your life can be the first step, but the ideal thing is to reach out to a therapist to diagnose the exact cause of the syndrome.

The wait for the "bikini body" shouldn't be endless

Rummaging through drawers, my best friend found some old photos of us from the late 90s. She immediately sent it to me. How fun it is to have the opportunity to travel in time through these pictures! 

The first thing that struck me — aside from the inexplicable tribal henna tattoo I wore on my belly that summer — was how skinny I was. Curiously, as far as I remember, I didn't feel skinny back then. The so-called bikini body has always seemed to me like a distant dream. I was always terrified of gaining weight, and I had never felt my stomach was flat enough.

Wondering how I could feel inadequate in that shape, I shared that story with a few friends and, after a while, on my Instagram account. Almost instantly, I got lots of similar stories. 

Unfortunately, many of us learn about body dissatisfaction at very early ages. And once we believe that we have a list of physical flaws to improve, a new chapter starts - the endless pursuit of the bikini body.  

Wanting to improve, in general, is something good. The problem is waiting to have a specific type of body to feel confident enough and do whatever we want. To go to the gym using a crop top; to have sex with the lights on; to start a new sport; to ask for a raise; to get rid of a toxic relationship… to wear a bikini. You name it. 

It may seem that those things are unconnected, but studies show that a poor body image can affect us psychologically, physically, and even financially. It can trigger eating disorders and a troubled relationship with food and physical activity, increasing the obesity risk and associated chronic issues.  

The time, energy, and money we spend thinking about the "dream body" can disrupt our lives, and only ourselves can change that perception. As the author and activist, Virgie Tovar, wrote in her book You Have the Right to Remain Fat (2018): "I am also a 250-pound woman who chose to stop dieting because I wanted to start living my life rather than continue dreaming about it". 

Can I have ice cream?

This misperception about my body started to change in my 30s when I began writing about eating behavior, beauty standards, and women's self-esteem. But it's not because I finally got "the body" I dreamed of for years. It's because I started to understand why we are so influenced by the idea that there is an ideal body type. I finally became aware of what was behind the fear of gaining weight. 

And I will tell you something: there are many layers behind this fear. It would cost me another article about it, or even a book. But the important thing here is to flag when this feeling that our body is never enough imprisons us. 

In 2006, Little Miss Sunshine won the spotlight and many awards telling Olive's story, a seven-year-old girl whose biggest dream was to become a beauty contest winner. I rewatched this movie recently and noticed that it remains so contemporary. 

A scene, in particular, drew my attention. Olive (Abigail Breslin) is at a diner with her family. She decides to have ice cream for breakfast. Her mom consents, while her dad warns that those calories would turn into fat on her belly. According to him, that was not wise conduct for a person who wants to become a beauty queen. 

After this passive-aggressive little advice, she evidently hesitates to eat the ice cream. And when she finally does, a certain amount of guilt is involved. 

The ice cream is an interesting metaphor for the pressure that beauty standards put on us. It makes us put looks first, disregarding thousands of sensations that our body can offer us.

Nowadays, we talk a lot about self-acceptance. But, before reaching that, it's valid to focus on understanding the dread of gaining weight. Because even if you don't like certain parts of your body, it's essential to have respect for it. After all, how can we take care of something we don't like? 

Eating well, exercising, and having a healthy relationship with your image are crucial attitudes towards mental health. We should focus our energy on what our bodies can do for us. Looks are just one part of what we represent in this world. 

A body that doesn't fit the current beauty standard (unreachable for most women) still deserves to work out, love and be loved, to go to the beach, to have good quality sex, and eat ice cream. We should not allow anyone to make us believe otherwise.

Venture Capital is elite, white, and male: how that’s holding American businesses from serving vulnerable communities

When Donnel Baird read the news about the Bronx building fire on January 9—the deadliest one in New York City in three decades—his mind immediately went to his childhood. Like the 17 people who died in the tragedy, Baird once lived in a low-income building with a dangerous and inefficient heating system in New York City. 

The January tragedy was tied to an electric space heater, used by a tenant because of the building’s chronic lack of heat. The news struck a chord with Baird because he had grown up using an oven to heat his apartment in Bedford–Stuyvesant, a neighborhood in Brooklyn.  

Every winter night, he had to avoid going by the oven and inhaling harmful carbon monoxide and other toxins. His father, a mechanical engineer, taught six-year-old Baird how to turn on the oven and also to prop the window open with a wooden stick for the toxins to flow out. As a child, Baird urinated in a bucket during cold winter days because the oven was on the way to the bathroom – an open stove was too dangerous for a child to pass through.

Today, he is a successful entrepreneur, who raised over $100 million to fund a business that is focused on making old and dangerous city buildings—like the one where he grew up — safer. His startup, BlocPower, converts their heating and cooling systems or HVACs into sustainable electric ones that use solar power, ductless air source heat pumps and smart thermostats.

But getting the company off the ground wasn’t easy; it was hard to get investors excited. Baird found out that most people with deep pockets just couldn’t relate to his experience, the need for this business or how it would make money.

“I spoke to 200 venture capitalists, and all of them said they would not invest,” Baird said, referring to the early days of pitching his idea. 

VCs are notoriously white and male – Over 80% of VCs in the US are men and 70% are white according to a 2018 analysis from Richard Kerby, a partner at Equal Ventures, a New York City seed stage venture firm. But the power gets even more concentrated when you break down these numbers by dollars: white men control an estimated 93% of the venture capital. 

This gap has cost minorities, whether it’s people of color or women. Many people come up with business ideas based on the needs and opportunities that they see from their own experiences. But when the power centers that hold the purse strings have never had that experience, it’s hard

to grasp the opportunities these founders present. 

Baird has a ‘screaming match’ with a VC

Baird knew from his own experience of growing up in communities that were disproportionately Black and Latin that there was a definite need for his product. But investors just couldn’t relate to his vision. 

Baird says one VC even suggested he start marketing BlocPower to affluent communities and target poorer areas later down the road. The reasoning was that he could initially charge more for his product and once he had a foothold in the upper class market, he could price it down for a mass market. Baird was enraged by the idea.

“I got into a huge screaming match…We can't do that because the planet is going to burn. We only have nine or 10 years left to make massive changes in terms of climate change. We need mass market products now that are priced that way.” Baird says. 

Other VCs questioned whether communities of color even wanted access to clean energy. Baird grew frustrated. 

“You have a set of investors who literally can’t imagine that a woman or a person of color can come up with a good idea, much less go out and implement that idea,” the entrepreneur says. 

Hyper focus on financial returns versus impact

Baird eventually found investors who were willing to bet on his idea. But these VCs were driven by a mission of social impact.

One of his first investors was Freada Klein, whose fund is the VC investment arm of Kapor Center for Social Impact. Founded in 1999, Kapor Capital is an impact investing firm that has a portfolio of more than 120 companies, and over 100 exits.

She believes that the dearth of diverse founders is not only a fairness issue, but is also a missed opportunity.

“What I think too many VCs miss is that BlocPower solution, and like many others in our portfolio, they bring money… So, it is better for everyone,” the investor says.  

Kapor’s portfolio of investments is 59% female and founders of color. Klein says its mission is to fund businesses that close gaps of access or opportunity for low-income communities and communities of color. And because founders tend to search for market solutions to problems they have experienced first-hand, Kapor has a very diverse portfolio. 

But funding is dismal for minorities and women overall. In the first half of 2021, Black start-up founders received 1.2% of venture capital invested in US start-ups, according to Crunchbase. Female entrepreneurs received about 2% of all venture funding, according to a report by research firm Pitch Book.

VCs’ implicit biases

Research has shown that implicit biases—when people associate stereotypes toward others unconsciously or otherwise—are pervasive in the pitching process. According to a 2017 study of Q&A interactions, VCs pose women different questions than men. While men are asked more “promotion” questions that relate to their startup’s potential for gains, women are asked more “prevention” questions about risks. The study also found that the types of questions founders are asked directly influence funding decisions. 

That’s what founder Anurupa Ganguly experienced when pitching her idea in the early part of 2020. She says most VCs were skeptical about her startup, Prisms of Reality, which uses VR to help underrepresented students excel in math. 

Ganguly wanted to talk about her product’s potential and her ability to deeply understand the problem her business tries to solve. Instead, VCs focused their questions on the technicalities and minutiae of possible barriers to success. 

She thinks VCs feared the world was not ready for her product.

“But the whole purpose of entrepreneurship is that the world doesn’t look like that yet,” Ganguly says. “And the questions that you should be asking are ‘Can you put together the team? Do you understand the market deeply enough? How are you going to grow this?” 

Anurupa Ganguly. Photo: Anjelica Jardiel.

Meritocracy versus knowing the right people 

Marie Deveaux is the CEO and Coach at High Tides Consulting, a Brooklyn organization that guides women and people of color in their entrepreneurial journeys. She says most of her clients find it so difficult to fund their business with VC that they end up getting their funding from another route. Most of them, she says, end up using commercial means, like going directly to a bank, looking out for loans, grants, or self funding through 401k, retirement savings, etc. 

Prisms’ founder Ganguly went through a similar redirection. She grew so frustrated about her interactions with VCs, that she turned to the Small Business Innovation Research program, a federal program that supports early-stage companies in research and development. In less than a year, Ganguly built her team and refined her business model.

An educational game called ‘Pandemic’ comes into being

Ganguly slept as little as three hours a night creating her prototype. She was convinced of her idea, which was based on about a decade of first-hand experiences working in education. 

After graduating from MIT with a Master’s in electrical engineering in 2009, she taught Physics and Math in Boston with Teach for America for about two years. She then became an assistant director for Boston’s public schools until 2015. Then, she moved to the NYC department of education.

In 2018, she became the director of mathematics of Success Academy Charter Schools, where she led a team to implement new approaches for teaching math. But no matter how much effort her team put into the curriculum, Ganguly still saw a substantial drop out of young women and students of color in STEM and subsequent poor career outcomes. 

 “I couldn’t graduate another generation of kids where I know they’re not prepared for the workforce,” Ganguly said. 

She observed how young people learn experientially—through seeing, moving, and interacting with their environment. 

 “It’s not that the students don’t have [an] interest. There was nothing that was created for them in terms of [an] environment that allowed them to understand whether they were interested or not in math,” the entrepreneur said.

She decided to create the virtual reality learning tool to help kids work with real-life scenarios and develop mathematical models to solve them. 

One of prisms’ main products is the educational game, ‘Pandemic,’ which is a simulation of the mathematics of a viral outbreak. In it, kids use VR headset equipment to see how their actions led to the spread of a virus and use arithmetic solutions to curb its spread. 

 “It’s not intellectual. They’re physically experiencing it,” Ganguly said.

Students try Prisms of Reality’s educational game. Photo courtesy of Anurupa Ganguly.

After completing the federally funded small business program, Ganguly decided to go back to the VC route and, this time, formally pitch.

“My credibility was questioned. Every day was demoralizing,” Ganguly said. “I saw male counterparts with way less than what I had, [and they were] able to raise money,” Ganguly said. 

After some rejection, she found her first institutional investor WXR, a female-led VC fund that invests in women at the intersection of spatial computing and artificial intelligence. From there things started to pick up.  

“I think had they [WXR] not taken that first bet, I would have had way more difficulty raising,” the entrepreneur said. 

A self-fulfilling prophecy

At the early stages of pitching there is not much of a track record first-time founders can use to support their idea and their potential. That’s when implicit biases are most evident. 

“Seed investing and pre-seed investing is and always will be a person-driven business. If it’s an idea on a napkin, you’re just betting on people,” says Andrew Chan, the associate at Builders VC. 

Vinny Puji, a managing partner at Left Lane Capital, a New York-based VC firm, thinks early stage rounds reveal faulty archetypes:

“A really energetic, high-confidence, somewhat arrogant guy is probably going to be able to raise a huge amount of capital at a very high valuation, just because investors have now created a false connection in their mind [that] founders who talked like this, who looked like this, [and] who have this background are going to be successful,” he said. 

American investor and former CEO of Reddit, Ellen Pao, thinks these pattern-matching strategies can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

“They [VCs] only invest in a certain type of person. And that demographic is the one that’s successful because it’s the only thing that they invest in, and to them, that’s proof that the pattern works,” she said.

Where are all the women? One VC shares her ideas

Jenna Bryant, is a General Partner and Co-Founder at Embedded Ventures, an early-stage deep tech VC fund based in Los Angeles. Originally from Alabama, she was introduced to the VC ecosystem at 22, when she worked as a tech recruiter, helping pair early stage startups with engineers. That’s when she began to cold outreach people across the industry.

“Literally everything that I've been able to achieve throughout my decade in Tech has been through launching those connections for myself,” Bryant says.

Early in her career, she searched for other women for inspiration. “Sadly, there weren't many,”  In most of the firms she worked in, she was the only woman. “Until I started my own, I was the only female,” Bryant says. 

In 2018, Bryant became a partner at early-stage hard tech VC fund Riot Ventures. Two years later, she co-founded the Embedded fund, which focuses on space operations, digital engineering, and built a first-of-its-kind partnership with the United States Space Force.

Despite her success, Bryant notices that she is treated differently from her male peers, and often finds that some men don’t even take her seriously.

“I've been cat-called walking through very successful offices. I've been overlooked for board opportunities,” Bryant says. 

Jenna Bryant. Photo: Bradford Rogne.

Bryant thinks the heavy lifting of expanding funds’ networks often falls on the shoulders of a few diverse team members. 

“If only the diverse team members are doing that work, and there's only one diverse team member, but a team of 11, then it's not good enough,” she says. 

It could be different

Donnel Baird is proud of his accomplishments, and at times he is surprised with the impact of his work. 

“When you grow up poor, you aren't taught that you can change things. You're taught that you can't change things.”

But BlocPower is now creating a tide of impact. Baird has raised over $100 million– $5.5 million from Bezos’s Earth Fund. $30 million from Bill Gates’ climate Fund. His work received the attention of people like Bill Clinton and Barack Obama. The startup delivers clean energy solutions, and employs people from some of New York City’s poorest neighborhoods.

Stories like Baird’s highlight how the types of solutions in the $210 billion industry—the estimated annual US venture funding—are of interest to people across the country. 

Freada Klein, the BlocPower investor from Kapor Capital, thinks the ecosystem tends to sideline her efforts as an impact investor. When asked how she responds to those who don’t take her approach seriously, Klein replied without pausing:

“Why don't we look pejoratively at Venture Capital firms that have one and only one metric? And that's financial returns. Isn't that “greed only” investing? And isn't that phenomenally limited?”

Guilt is women’s most unpleasant friend.

As I write this article, I'm about to accomplish a goal that I've dreamed of for months. When I found out that my plan was going to work, my first reaction was not to celebrate, but to cry. "Do I deserve it?" I asked myself.

Seeing me crying, my mother told me something I didn't remember. When I was a child, I won a scholarship to study in a high-ranking school. She told me that I had the same reaction at that time. Crying, I asked her: "Do I deserve it? And how about my friends?".

I'm not trying to say that I'm "the queen of empathy." In fact, most women feel guilty about something. One British survey showed that 96% of women feel ashamed at least once a day. I concluded that guilt is our most unpleasant friend.

Since childhood, we are trained to be people pleasers. In addition, we learn to assume too many roles. And it's almost impossible to succeed in each of them. Guilt is one of the consequences of this whirlwind of demands.

On the other hand, as a study suggests, men don't seem to suffer from the same ailment. A patriarchal society requires much more from women than from men. From the top of my head, I can list things that make you feel guilty daily.

Guilty because you don't feel like a good mother/wife/daughter/friend/professional. Guilty because you don't want to be a mother (or because you can't). Or because you don't eat healthily. Perhaps you pay the gym and don't go. Or maybe you are not productive 24 hours a day, and, sometimes, you want to do nothing.

Guilty for putting yourself first. Guilty because your house is messy. And because you feel beautiful (or don't feel beautiful enough). We feel guilty for being happier than the people we love, and we feel guilty even for things out of our control.

Can you add more items to this list? I bet you can.

Behind the feeling

Some specialists claim that guilt comes from the fear of making mistakes. Thus, it's more common among perfectionists and self-critical people. Another characteristic of those who feel guilty is the habit of rumination: you create scenarios about what people think about you, about what you did or said, or even about what you didn't do.

So, it's essential to know how to differentiate the guilt about actual events and that one you feel based on your thoughts (not real!). My example, some paragraphs above, is a good one: why did I feel guilty about my colleagues?

Could I pay the school for them? No. If I refused the scholarship and continued studying in the public school, would it make any difference in their lives? Also, no. Would I miss a fantastic opportunity if I had said "no"? Yes! So, the guilt is entirely useless, right? It wouldn't help me, and neither would it help my friends.

Once I read somewhere that guilt is an empty feeling. It doesn't provoke change or growth. On the contrary, it can paralyze you. It sucks your energy, taking too much space in your thoughts. It can trigger problems like insomnia, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

Getting rid of it

You may have already noticed that I'm not the best person to advise on guilt. But everything that I researched about this subject points in the same direction. You can take the blame out of your daily thoughts when you assume responsibility for your actions.

Back to the "real guilt" versus "imaginary guilt." Let's start with the real. If you know that you messed up with someone or feel that you are not doing enough in some area of your life, you can do something realistic about that. Evaluate the possibilities (maybe an apology?), change habits that bring you guilt, and pursue moves that can improve your life.

Nonetheless, pay double attention to the imaginary guilt. Maybe the feeling that keeps you awake at night is just the result of something you made up. Sometimes, we compare ourselves too much to the ideals of a "perfect mother," a "perfect professional," and a "perfect body" as we want to become the real-life Wonder Woman.

Since it's impossible to accomplish all these roles with perfection, it is beneficial for our mental health to allow ourselves to make mistakes. The guilt decreases when we create our own "quality standards." It's a cliché, but accurate: the only comparison that generates growth is the one we make with our past selves.

To conclude, it's always important to remember that our journey here, on this planet, is individual. Even the "queens of empathy" or the "Wonder Women" have to know the right time to leave the stage and let their loved ones grow by themselves.

Trust, Money, Women: what all of them have to do with crypto

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

The crypto industry is built on one fundamental principle: trust. If you want to learn the ways that all of this affects our futures, we have to discuss it. Cryptocurrencies are something all of us should keep an eye on closely as this represents a new way to trade goods and money. In other words, it's about how wealth will be created and managed in the future.

And women cannot miss this transformation if our goal is to close the financial gender gap.

Back to trust. Trust is defined by the dictionary as "firm belief in someone or something's reliability, truth, ability, or strength". Under the law, a trust is an arrangement where a person (a trustee) holds assets in trust for the benefit of another person or persons (beneficiaries). Not much new here. 

Trust in our society is established by intermediaries. If you think about your bank for example, it's an intermediary that secures trust between people and companies in financial transactions (I'm not talking about a fiduciary trust, which by definition is something else entirely).

To establish trust, an intermediary must be reliable, transparent, and centralized, and here is where crypto comes in: Blockchain technology is at the foundation of crypto and trust is native to it.

In the blockchain, assets and information can be stored, moved, transmitted, exchanged, and managed without the involvement of intermediaries. It means the way our whole society is established might change, as more solutions can be designed without the need for an intermediary.

In a blockchain, trust is established by peers across a global ledger. Each peer hosts a copy of a block of data. A block is created every few minutes with all transactions from the previous minutes. 

This new block of information will be linked to the previous blocks, and this is the chain: to confirm one single transaction, you must validate it in every block in the chain. This is far safer and faster than what we're used to today. 

It is possible to imagine solutions without intermediaries in a wide range of industries. New fields and positions could replace many jobs, and in the coming years, we will definitely see this happening more quickly than it has in the past.

Female participation in disruptive technologies can mean social mobility, a smaller gender gap, and a future with less inequality on the one hand, but can also mean the opposite if we do not take part in it.

What I mean is that you should not just invest in crypto (although you can if you want), but you should learn about it, gain skills in technology, and realize there is no turning back to the analog world.

We must follow the money to create a society with gender equality and social justice. Men already know this pretty well, which is why 74% of crypto holders in the U.S. were male and 71% were white in 2021, according to this Gemini report.

Women are still stuck in unhappy, abusive relationships every day due to financial insecurity. We will probably see more generations still struggling with the same issues if we do not fight this right now.

Trust is power. Money is power. And power in the right hands can change the world.