Women are better together

I have a friend who doesn't consider herself a "feminist." However, I see her as a great womankind supporter. She buys from the woman who makes artisan bread. She babysits a friend's daughter, so her friend can have a "child-free Friday night." She reads my articles and constantly reminds me that she's proud of me.

My mother has the same behavior. I can bet that she never read a single Simone de Beauvoir book, but she has always taken care of women around her for as long as I can remember. She does groceries for the sister-in-law who is facing financial problems. Bakes a cake for a niece who is depressed. Buys vegetables from the woman who owns a small vegetable garden.

I had these thoughts after binge-watching Maid (*), a Netflix series that has been causing a buzz for addressing critical issues like domestic abuse, homelessness, and the American social services bureaucracy. Also worth mentioning is the excellent acting of Andie MacDowell (Paula) and Margaret Qualley (Alex), who are also mother and daughter in real life. 

For me, what's most remarkable in this story is the value of a support network in a woman's life. Something that Alex, the main character, has none of. He is a single mom with no money, no loyal friends. No relatives with solid mental health; not one single shoulder to cry on. It turns out that everything is harder for her. She often sees herself profoundly alone. 

Credit: Unsplash (Hannah Busing)

Stronger together 

In Portuguese, my native language, we use the word "sorority" to define companionship, sisterhood, and mutual help between women. I don't believe we have to support a woman just because she's a woman. Sometimes we get disappointed, and it's essential to know the right time to give up on a relationship, whether it's a friend or a relative, for our mental health’s sake.

However, we should never forget that we still live in a patriarchal system, which profits from the fantasy of women's competition. Therefore, I genuinely believe that women are better together. 

After finishing Maid, I engaged myself in a deep reflection loaded with self-criticism: Am I offering enough support for the women who make part of my life? The following thought was: what can I offer, with my current non-stable mental status?

So, I reminded myself that I'm good at listening, and I always make sure (at least, I try) to make that clear to the women I care about. I can tell that, sometimes, active listening is the best medicine that we can give to each other. 

Vulnerability can be a gift

Everybody feels lonely sometimes. For immigrants, like me, it's a familiar feeling. You don't belong to your home country anymore, nor to the country that you choose to live in. Your family and your long-term friends are miles away. 

But my loneliness is not unlike the women who raise their children alone. Or who feel lost after a divorce. Women who make less money than their male partners in the job market, despite all their effort. Women who are battling eating disorders. Women who belong to minority groups, struggling to have their voices heard. 

Women are fighters. 

It doesn't mean that we need to hide our weaknesses, though. To show our vulnerabilities, here and there, is liberating as sometimes people don't know what is going on in our lives. 

Recently, I declined to attend a birthday party of a close friend (the one in the first paragraph). Of course, I could make up an excuse. But I was 100% honest: "Sorry, my dear. I don't feel good this week. I'm not in the mood for a big party, with many people. You are special to me, so, I promise that, very soon, I will cook something delicious for you." (Giving people homemade food is one of my ways to show love).

She was utterly understanding and said. "Don't worry! I've been there. Next week we will go out for coffee". It was a small chat that brought warmth to my heart. 

When we find support, we recover the sense of belonging, which decreases symptoms of depression and hopelessness. It can make you restore your self-esteem and find your best self. 

So, if you are facing a dark moment, ask for help. From your mom, sister, a friend - no matter if they are physically close or far from you. You can also find a support group; this is even easier through social media (oddly enough, social networks have something good!). And it's crucial to give it back: offer support for women. 

When I feel that I'm not being supportive enough, I try to seek inspiration from my female heroes: my mom, my sister, some good friends, and Gloria Steinem - the queen! It makes me feel stronger. 

Try to find - and to be - good female support. We sure know how to do that. 

(*) "Maid" is Stephanie Land’s bestselling 2019 memoir adaptation, streaming now on Netflix.