Changing Habits - One Day at a Time

“Changing habits takes time” -- I bet you’re tired of hearing this. Well, unfortunately, it does. But you know what really takes time? Sticking to those habits. As I’m writing this post, I’m not proud to say that, with the holidays, and all the things happening in my life at the same time, I started cheating on my diet (a little bit). The one that began almost two years ago, and that was finally going well for the past 6 months. But as the title of this post says: changing habits, one day at a time. 

Since 2016 I’ve been embracing lots of changes to my lifestyle. Exercising still hasn’t stuck, but I now floss every night, I went from reading one book in 2017 to reading over 15 in the past couple of years, and I can tell you that my mindset has improved about 40% (which is a huge accomplishment!). My relationship with food (trying to avoid gluten + dairy + processed sugar) is also better (although it still got a lot of room for improvement). 

But changing or building habits is a process. And when I say “one day at a time,” it’s because you need to see it as something that you’re working on on a daily basis AND, if you slip or skip today, you need to keep going tomorrow as if today didn’t exist. Because you’ll cheat on your diet, or skip the gym, or have negative thoughts. But that doesn’t mean you’re done trying. You go on with the process, one day at a time. 

I also noticed I was trying to change too much at once. So I went back to my “whys” and decided what habit I was going to prioritize. For sure, my diet was a priority, since it was affecting my life personally and professionally. Then I directed my focus to that, got even more clear on the reason I needed to do it, what would happen if I didn’t, and the specific outcomes I was aiming for (in my case, it definitely wasn’t losing weight!). 

When I realized and incorporated that into my strategy, my life changed. I went to parties and said no to sweets with no problem. I started reading more, even if I wasn’t reading every single day as I wanted to. I set my goals based on honesty more than expectations, and I started forgiving myself for the “oops” along the way. 

So if you’re going through this process (always call it a process, because it is) of changing or building habits, remember this:

It’s a process - it isn’t something you decide to do today, that will happen next week. They say a new habit takes about 28 days to stick. There is research showing that it actually takes 3 to 6 months. I believe it all depends. So… 

Don’t compare your journey with someone else’s - we’re all different amazing individuals, and we all work on different speeds. We also do things for different reasons. Don’t get yourself trapped in comparisons, because that will kill your goal!

Have a clear “why” - and by that, I don’t mean “because I want to lose weight” OR “because I want to be a better person.” These reasons won’t stick. Dig deeper: what’s this change going to provide to you? Personally, professionally? What impact will it have on your quality of life? Your relationships? Take notes and read that every single time you think about cheating or giving up. 

Don’t assume you reached it - I’m glad I’m writing this post this week, because I can give you one more piece of advice based on my own experience: get ready for the psychological traps. As I told you in the beginning of this text, I was going very well for 6 months. No cheating (I mean, once a month maybe I would eat a slice of cheese, maybe a tiny piece of chocolate), way less complaining (I remember crying at the supermarket twice when it all started). I was so proud of myself. But November and December brought me a lot of anxiety with lots of things going on. I wasn’t ready for that… So I ate cheese (a lot of it), and some sugar. And I paid for it. Still paying, actually. So don’t assume you reached your goal, and put yourself at risk: if you’re feeling more anxiety, or sad, or PMS even, be aware of the self-sabotage that will come with it, and come up with tactics to fight it.

Avoid downward spirals - don’t let one day you skip the gym become a month without going. Same with your diet, or with journaling, or with studying, or anything else. Don’t let one “oops” be the reason you start getting sloppy about your goal. Forgive yourself today, go on tomorrow. 

Focus on one day at a time - I think this is the most important. Focus on one day at a time. Tomorrow is another day, yesterday is already in the past. You only have today to make it count. And if it doesn't work, well, go on. Always go on.

The Fat Consciousness | Redemption

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness talks! Last we met, I told you how my relationship with people had been. Before that, I opened my heart about how I grew up into an insecure human being. I briefly spoke about gaining and losing weight and I’m sure that this sparks curiosity. People always want to know what was the secret element that helped someone miraculously lose weight. As if we’re not tired of knowing the key is calorie deficit. 

Since I can remember, I heard people limiting or censuring my servings, or the quality of what I was eating. Honestly, not “people” in general, it was mainly my parents and it was a very dual way where I had a big offer but had to find discipline and eat a little bit. This process helped “villainize” certain foods in my life - as I’m sure it happens in most people’s lives. Bread, chocolate, fried food, cake, cookies, ice cream… BAD BAD BAD! Like Voldemort, Evil Queen or Hades. Whichever reference suits you better.

By putting so much pressure under certain food groups, I grew up craving them the most. Because, you know - we desire what we can’t have. And if we don’t have good reasons to avoid it, we don’t understand WHY we can’t have them. Also, you might remember I mentioned food was a reward at home, so the emotional attachment I had to eating was aggravating my situation.

I had a journey of ups and downs - when I lost weight I would be extremely controlling of my intake and very active in the gym. These moments of full control were when I truly felt on top of my skinny happiness, being a (not that) skinny ass shark. My habits then used to be a bit too radical, and therefore, not maintainable in the long run (but I couldn’t see that).

Eventually life happened and I couldn’t keep up with the control. As a pleaser, I tend not to prioritize myself. I slowly would give up on me, making exceptions to eat unhealthy, skipping the gym. Suddenly the exceptions would become the norm and I was far from being a shark, becoming more like a scary fish lost in a sea of guilt.

So what was my “secret”, flipping the switch to a healthier lifestyle? 
Well, I hit rock bottom. The lowest one possible (for my standard).

Between 2015 to 2018 I went from 180lbs to 262lbs. I was eating anything, anytime. I was working unhealthy hours at a very toxic work environment where I was trying to give my all for things I didn’t even understand (aka me, a Public Relations, acting as Bookkeeper). I was tense all the time, I was basically working 6 days per week + daily overtime. Needless to say I barely dated back then because I truly thought I had no time. I was swallowed by work.

A friend told me she was going to have bariatric surgery. My immediate reaction was “that sounds extreme, you can lose weight without it.” More than that, I thought to myself… I lost weight before with Weight Watchers, I can do it again. I don’t need surgery. Well it all changed a few months later when I noticed my breath would cut off during the nights, making me wake up several times and I started feeling a lot of pain in my feet to just simply walk (‘cause I wasn’t working out, anyways.) I was getting sick to my stomach with a lot of different foods and eventually felt chest pain that was very scary and also triggering.

I was just 28 years old. I shouldn’t be feeling so bad.

So I went to my primary doctor and she recommended I pursued the bariatric surgery process. At the same time that it was great to find a “solution,” it was a bit frightening to admit I went that far into losing myself. The main reason why I came to terms with the weight loss surgery was because it would quickly relieve the physical symptoms my obesity was causing me. It was also a chance to “reset” my stomach and my eating habits - after all you eat like a baby in the beginning. 

I want to make two two things clear here: Being skinny was never my goal, I love being thick and curvy, so I opted for a surgery that wouldn’t take me to an extreme. I am very happy with my outcome; Secondly, I had a therapist approve me for surgery and did therapy from the day I came back home from the hospital.

Surgery for me had “souvenirs,” so I can’t eat carbs without having heartburn. Red meat is harder to digest and does not always sit well in my stomach. Sweets cause me to dump (basically they don’t last in my body, they’re expelled pretty quickly).

Do I regret surgery? Absolutely not.
Do I recommend it to others? Absolutely not - unless I know you and your story with weight loss - otherwise it would be extremely irresponsible of me. The only person who can recommend such a thing is your doctor.

Having the opportunity to reintroduce food slowly into my diet allowed me to reeducate my palate. Learn what suits me better, what sits more comfortably in my new stomach. What gives me satiety and what disturbs my digestion. Understanding and respecting my serving and limits, eating consciously to nourish my body.

Obviously, after 2 years of surgery, I had few of my triggering foods like most candy I used to eat before. They honestly don’t give me the same pleasure. Fried food bothers my stomach too. I became more critical about everything. 

Before, I couldn’t understand exactly WHY I should avoid certain food groups. Now, I get it. I still don’t see food as villains because this still makes no sense. I try to understand the reason behind my cravings. In my case, they’re mainly psychological and they don’t need to be satisfied every single time. I had moments when I let my anxiety take over and opted to have a few too many Milano cookies. Spoiler: they never paid off.

The surgery made me more intimate with my own body. I learned how to hear it so I can take better care of it. Food has now the main purpose of nourishing, giving me the nutrients and vitamins I need to perform. I still love eating just as much as I used to before surgery. It’s a matter of priorities now. There is no point in having a bagel if I’m going to feel like a dragon right after spitting fire because of so much heartburn. And I’m 100% okay with it because I feel great without it.

Through my journey as a bariatric, I’ve learned how my mind is important to keep my body strong. The power will always lay in my mind. I chose to follow my diet, and I chose when I want to have a sweet. I understand the power of exceptions, but I know what is meant to be my rule. Now, I know how to take care of my body and respect it. I’m conscious about every single bite or sip I take. And that is because I want the best for me, inside out. I’m at my best moment. I know my limits and I honor my body. I take it to the gym, I feed it with good food, I dress it nicely. Because I am a curvy a*s shark in constant learning but always, always loving myself.

Disclosure: this post is not meant to serve as medical nor diet advice in any way.

Looking For a Guy? Read This First

Romance. That person that will hold your hand at the park, make you laugh, and (hopefully) be good in bed. When looking for a guy (or a girl), what are the qualities you hope to find? What do you pay attention to? 

I heard once (or maybe a few times) that I was “too picky with boys” -- Wait! But shouldn’t I be? Don’t you realize this is the one person that will impact your future the most? What if he thinks a woman shouldn’t curse or travel by herself? What if he wants kids, or doesn’t want kids? What if he doesn’t like the fact that I am an independent ambitious woman? Shouldn’t these facts be considered? 

As I heard from this Ted Talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “women are raised to aspire to marriage.” Not that marriage is a bad thing, nor that it shouldn’t be on your ‘dream list’. But our aspirations should go beyond that. I know mine did, and still do. We have different minds, as well as different goals in life. But in a society that rushes us to find “the one,” especially after a certain age, that urgency can take us to falling for the wrong person, and for the wrong reasons -- fear of being alone, age to have kids, and outside pressure, of course -- just to name a few. 

So when looking for “my person,” I remember many times I changed my own behavior, so the guy I liked would like me-- and keep me. I was rarely my true self in his company. And to be honest, I know many people who did/do the same. But how can this be sustainable? What happens later on? 

Another thing I noticed as time passed was that, I had big goals, I didn’t want to have children, and I wanted to live abroad. Of course we’re constantly changing, and some plans fall apart, we change our mind. But having some clarity about your future, verbalizing the things you want, and the things you don’t, in my opinion, is an important step before making any kind of commitment-- and by that I mean even before changing your Facebook status (if that’s still a thing). Here is a personal example I shared on my ebook “Living By Design - First Steps To Live Life Your Way:”

“When I met my now husband, I had just turned 28 and was more than sure I did not want kids. Just a month after we started dating, I brought up this conversation just out of curiosity -- and also to know if he wanted to have children. I couldn’t be with someone that wanted something I didn’t. If you are dating, thinking about sharing a future together, I believe it’s important to be straight up about your desires and theirs. Be honest with each other. If you’re going out with someone not only to have fun, if you’re getting to know that person, then get to know that person -- their view for the future, their values, their heart, and their mind. Seriously, if we invested in this kind of background check before committing to a wedding, I’m sure divorces rates would drop.”

Five years later, I still don’t want to have children. And I still have a lot of ambition, hunger for freedom, a passion for traveling by myself, and... I curse a lot. I’m not perfect, neither is he, and we have lots of differences. But the person he met back in 2014 was a girl who had decided to be herself, to not rush, and who was starting to believe and speak her truth. That girl knew she couldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t accept her for who she was-- a crazy Brazilian feminist-in-progress, who treasures her freedom more than anything. And at 27, I finally realized that. 

So I’ll end this piece with a little unsolicited advice… 

Pay attention to the person you’re dating. Speak your mind, share your goals. Be yourself (as much as possible, because I know that takes practice). See how he/she reacts, what he/she says. And don’t wait until you’re 6 months in! Do it in the beginning-- why not? You’re both adults, having adult conversation, with the same goal in mind: getting to know each other, and maybe be together for life, right? So let’s try not to waste anyone’s time. Because that thing that “people change?” Well, most of the time, they don’t. If I have married someone who wanted kids, I’d be divorced by now. If I had married a guy who doesn’t want his wife to travel on her own, I’d also be divorced by now (or sucking it up and feeling unhappy). 

Another thing I can tell you is know your values, invest in self-awareness. Getting to know someone else is fun, but knowing yourself is liberating-- and it’ll help you find a better match! My most important value is freedom. I know I’m happier being with someone that respects my freedom, that doesn’t try to cut my wings (poor thing, he’d be long gone if he did). Oh! And last but not least, love your own company, and yourself, more than anything!

The Fat Consciousness | Exposed

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness Series! Previously on this show, we learned how interesting my childhood was, and how it helped me grow into an insecure human being. Assuming we’re on the same page, by now you've got how doubtful I grew up to be, kinda feeling good about my looks and personality, but never accepting I could be happy as a fat girl. 

When you grow up being fat and not confident enough, odds are you might slide into the “supporting role” character. There are always going to be the skinny friends who get more attention, are sassier and cooler. 

I was the funny, goofy, always there for you, keeping the tone down, never saying “no” type of friend. I’ve always been a pleaser, and I wonder if I would have been different had I been skinny instead of fat. I sucked at flirting. I was always anxious about social situations where there would be cute boys. Always thinking about how I can act in an attractive way while being “proper” for my agenda aka being fat. I was usually left with the awkward kid from the male group (if lucky.) 

Wait, go back a second… did I say proper? 

Yes. I thought I needed to always keep it cool because duh - I was fat. As if it would balance out. (As if I needed to balance anything out.)  

Now imagine my mind when I met fat boys or girls full of confidence, overflowing power. I would freeze and my mind immediately got the “blue error screen!” WHAT IS GOING ON? How did you learn that? I don’t know how to be like that. It was like another duality - this one I can better explain using something I’ve heard - you either bleed in the shark tank or you are the shark. I sure as hell wasn’t a shark in the love scene. 

I kept on telling myself I was happy despite my body and lack of romantic engagements. That it would get better when I lost weight. That lasted pretty much up until my college years arrived. That was when I had my sexual wake up call. I was living it up - party, drinks, boys. I was finally faced with a side of me I didn’t know. While I was learning how to take advantage of my own features (like having a nice pair of boobs), I had no idea of how to manage my self-esteem or process my sexual being.  

This was a very doubtful moment and yet a very empowering one. I was discovering new things, yet my insecurity was also growing stronger along with a fear of rejection because I wasn’t skinny. College years just brought to surface a weird thread from my social life -  the “supporting role” I mentioned before. It’s like I didn’t pick, I was picked - and by people I wouldn’t want to kiss, but I’d give in because I really wanted to be kissed. It was a very passive way of living. I finally had a moment of ownership when… I lost weight in 2009. I lost a lot of weight, like 35kgs (over 70 lbs). I was finally seeing myself as an almost skinny person. I got the body I wanted, the boy I wanted, a crazy amount of attention. I was finally the main character shark-ing around!

While the relationship was over within a year, the “skinny high” sure wasn’t! And I indulged in it until I started gaining weight again. Suddenly, the fat consciousness thoughts took over my mind, holding back my newly found expression. But then I lost weight and “skinny high” was back up. As you might imagine, one’s self-esteem fluctuates all the time. So even when I was at my lowest weight, I would still be vulnerable into thinking I wasn’t pretty enough or that I still looked too fat.

I hit my highest weight in 2018 and this journey legit blew my mind. I was living in New York, where people were less judgmental than in Sao Paulo. This made me feel more confident to wear what I wanted, but on the inside I was a goddamn chicken living in fear of rejection and barely putting myself in “risky situations” (and by that I mean regular dates.) Basically, in a place nobody gave 2 fu*ks about my body, I was the most harsh on myself instead of living the freedom I’ve always wanted!

See, I acknowledge losing weight impacts my self-esteem directly and I struggle accepting this. I wish it wouldn’t fluctuate as much. But I have my own beauty standard (which isn’t skinny, it’s Marylin Monroe like) and I do feel very uncomfortable when too far from it. It just doesn’t feel like myself and I can’t help it.

I am now down 45kgs (we will talk about this in my next article). Dating is hard thanks to COVID-19, but at least now I found myself again. Working on your self-esteem is a daily effort, sometimes you’re just not feeling it and that is okay. I feel pretty and sexy but also very conscious I’m not either skinny or extremely fat & that now I have loose skin too. The fear of rejection is still present, but now I don’t blame myself or my body for it - I’m at my very best and if my partner can’t deal with it, that is his loss and my blessing ‘cause that isn’t the energy I need.

My foundation didn’t teach me how to be tough. I’m learning as I go with help of therapy and some kicks in the head life gives me. A piece of advice? The freedom you get when you own your narrative, when you ditch the “supporting role,” is mind-blowing. And guess what? Your body doesn’t dictate your ownership. Your mind does. You got to stop comparing yourself to others. You can’t hold your happy ending for a future you that might not even be worth it. You can’t live on the sidewalk, in the shadows of who you are expected to be. All the time I spent thinking I needed to act properly, tone down so I wouldn’t get too much attention… This is wasted time and energy I should have invested in who I am and my true expression. 

Remember, don’t be the one bleeding in the shark tank. Be the goddamn shark!

The Right to Live Offline

I will dare to be carelessly honest with you here. The idea for this article came up one day when I was watching our founder Ingrid Silva's IG stories. By the time this article is being written, Ingrid is pregnant. She had revealed it on her social media in a beautiful campaign, she explained to her audience the reasons why she hadn't revealed her pregnancy earlier. I wish I had recorded my reaction in that very moment because you wouldn't believe it: right before she even says it, I'm thinking "she has the right to embrace and enjoy this experience by herself first and with her family.” Two seconds later, she says it. Weird huh? Actually it is not. As a disclaimer, this is not an article about influencers and their highly demanding audiences. This is an article about people. You and I, allegedly anonymous people trying to make it in this newbie showbiz we call social media, go through the same struggle. Our communities, family and friends, people we love and care about have been constantly and unknowingly demanding from us to live our lives online. What happens when a first-time-mother-to- be pursues the right to privately enjoy such experience with her beloved ones? She has to justify it. Some must argue that this is only happening because she is huge on the internet; however, this could not be further from being true and I will demonstrate here why. 

If the food beautifully presents itself on our plate, a picture before eating it must be taken. If we look effortlessly gracious for any reason, a selfie before going out is mandatory. Remember that trip to Paris with your best friend when you bought that fabulous hat and the wind blew it away and you had to run to get it back and you almost didn't? Wow, that was fun but, did you record that moment? No? Bummer, it would have been a fun memory to have registered in that expensive camera. What happened in the last couple of years that made us shape our lives behind the camera in order to look in a certain way in front of it? Are we living in a fulfilling way or are you just building audiences? 

Another interesting topic I'd like to bring is parental social media behavior. It is out of discussion that the internet has become a digital and convenient bridge between families who live away. Parents will update their children's lives online in order to fulfill the distance between states or, more often than ever, countries. However, when do we draw the line between what is acceptable on social media channels and what is not? The matter of the fact is we have been immersed in this culture for only two decades and already the consequences of this abrupt, and not subtle, change have printed new standards of social and cultural behavior in society. Studies will say that two decades is not a very long time for a technology or curve of behavior to change a society and yet, the internet has done so in such a short period of time, which brings to my attention another thought: we have not been taught any social media etiquette. Although we have seen it recently, the idea of managing the amount of hours or to simply curate what goes online or not has never been in the original plans of those who created these tools. Social media channels are designed for addiction, compulsive behavior and no sense of boundaries whatsoever. Back to my point, this is why it has become socially unacceptable to live an offline life. 

It is not only mandatory to be constantly online and to share our deepest experiences, we have also raised the bar to a new standard: the happier and trendier the moments in our lives are, the more instagrammable they become. It is not only expected to leave our private lives behind us but, the way we live must go through some changes before even thinking of living this life. For instance, when we think about an outfit, we automatically, yet subconsciously, take into consideration if the same outfit will look good on that picture we'll share later. How many times have we gotten to that restaurant or to that party and taken pictures right after getting there? After all, instagrammable pictures must be taken while hair and outfit are still impeccable, right? 

Bringing into conclusion, the social media world is fantastic. It opens doors every single day to so many people. It connects us to job opportunities, it brings us close to family when we're living abroad and don't always find the time to catch up on the phone. The list of benefits is vast and I won't deny it. Social media is good and it can conduct us towards a world of infinite possibilities. It is not about demonizing social media, it is about paying close attention to how we use it to our benefit and to make life better and not the other way around. If the internet is a democratic world in which we can be whoever we want, why is it so hard to allow others to decide whatever they want to live in or out of it?    

Living By Choice: What It Really Means

Through the course of our lives, we make decisions. Everyday, all the time. But have you ever asked yourself if the decisions you're making are truly coming from a place of consciousness? Why did you pick this particular outfit you’re wearing today? Why is your favorite color green, not blue, and how did you end up in the career you have right now? Would you like to get married, and why do you want to have children? The question about the outfit is probably the easiest to answer...

If we thought about all our decisions the same way we think about our #ootd, we would have a completely different life. But we often don’t see our decisions as what they really are: choices. We don’t question ourselves, we go with the flow. It hurts to say that most of us are living a life in default mode, and not realizing it until way down the road.

I started questioning my goals in life in my early 20s, when I realized that I was following a sort of script: graduate, work, find a man, get married, have babies. That’s the “natural course of life” -- not for me. As an elder millennial who grew up in South America, dropping out of school to live abroad 10 years ago, I was TOTALLY off a script that had no room for improvising. 

Back then, I thought it was “a crazy adventure” I was diving into. But I came to realize I was actually embracing my role as the writer of my own story, and stepping towards the freedom of making my choices with intention. I was about to start living my life by choice, by design. And beginning to learn how to live up to my own expectations, not the expectations of others. 

The concept of living by choice is to take control: of your life, your mind, your body. It’s about making decisions that come from a place of “want and desire,” rather than from a place of “should” or “have to.” Think like this: you’re in a boat (your life), and you can either be the captain (take control), or let it sail on its own (with the wind deciding your destination). Although it can be fun to let go (and that’s a way of life, too), I’d rather be the captain of the boat (my life) and of course, leave some room for the unexpected (because sh*t and life happens). 

Now that you know the concept, let’s talk about what it takes to live by choice:

Living by choice requires self-awareness.

That’s where it all starts. There are lots of “shoulds” out there, and to live with intention, you gotta know what you want, and why -- not what you should or should not do or be. So your answers will come from you, your desires, your own expectations. It’ll come from a place of consciousness. Here are a few things you can ask yourself:

Do I really want ________?

Why do I or don’t I want ________?

What is it going to bring, add, or change in my present and future?

How does it affect/will affect my life?

Living by choice requires practice. 

The journey (yep! journey!) of living by choice begins when you decide to be intentional about your decisions. And because this isn’t something you learned growing up, or at school, it’ll take time to adapt. You learned all these rules and beliefs about yourself and the world, and what it means to be here. So the practice will be deconstructing the patterns you’re used to. You gotta remind yourself that you’re in control, and that it’s ok to be. And that reminds me of…

Living by choice requires self-love. 

Because if you don’t love yourself enough, you’ll give up. Living up to our own expectations is difficult -- especially as a woman. Not everyone is interested, in fact, most individuals would rather follow the recipe of life (that’s how I call living a life by default, because you’re following a recipe!), and they’ll try to convince you their way is right -- which is true, but it’s right for them, not for you. You have the right to live life on your own terms, and to make your decisions based on what you want for your future. So love yourself hard! You’ll need it. And stick to your choices, they’re your choices.  

Big or small, our choices are shaping our future. 

Remember that, big or small, we’re making choices on a daily basis. And those tiny ones are not to be taken for granted. The food we feed our body and the thoughts that fuel our mind; the amount of water or alcohol we take; how we spend our time, money and energy. These are also things you gotta be intentional about, and prioritize. It’s ok to cut some things (or people) from your life.

To go from “I have to” to “I want to” takes work, as you see. Even though I’ve been living by choice and practicing intentional living for a while, my decisions are still far from being 100% intentional. In fact, I'd say that I'm 30% there. It takes a lot of practice + self-awareness to live by choice, not by default. As I said, it’s a journey. It’s not easy to break the patterns of our society, of our own beliefs. It can be overwhelming. But fighting these battles will reward you with true freedom, in every single meaning of the word, that you haven’t experienced before. Trust me.