Never give up?

To know the right time to quit could be the smartest thing to do for your mental health

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

You start to read a book or watch a TV show, and, after a while, you conclude: you didn't like it. You try, insist, but still feel that you are wasting your time. What do you do? Do you interrupt it, or, instead, go through with it? 

Those are minor issues, of course, but consider applying the same concept to other spheres of life. Relationships that are no longer going well, "but we've been together for so many years...". Jobs that don't make sense anymore, "but I may be close to a promotion." Endless professional improvement courses, often in areas that no longer fit into our lives. And so on. 

Experts named this phenomenon as "sunk cost fallacy." It happens when we force ourselves to keep on anything that we once invested time, energy, and emotional effort into. It's not easy to give up on something that we raised expectations of. Also, it is common to feel that, doing so, we are throwing away the entire journey. We tend to interpret the decision to quit as a failure.

A strong woman image is typically associated with those who can manage all the roles magnificently; the professional, the mother, the wife. Extra points for those who accomplish the beauty standard, with active social, and burning sexual lives. This is what the media shows us as successful women. It's not a coincidence that the "Don't give up" mantra takes a considerable place in our minds. 

I chose to write about expectations last January, mainly because we make thousands of resolutions at the beginning of the year. Frequently, we have to make concessions to achieve it. After three months, I can say that I've already crossed off several items from my own list.

I believe this has to do with the very nature of being a woman - to try to do more than we can handle. But, also, with the "no pain, no gain" culture. Stories with "happy endings," that is, people who gain prominence in their field, invariably go through the hero's journey. These are narratives loaded with suffering and deprivation of all kinds (sleep, money, quality of life) in the name of a great goal.

The "grand finale" is the podium, the top of the world! Our society is obsessed with the first place. You cannot be average; you have to be the best. The first place is always celebrated; the second, forgotten. In this scenario, it's common to feel like a failure or a "loser" when we give up on something. 

To write about it reminded me of a Netflix series that completely subverted my perception about this subject. "Losers" presents eight real-life stories of athletes who made huge mistakes or just bad choices. Instead of focusing on the humiliation, the episodes show how they rethought their careers and changed their lives. It shows that, sometimes, failure can be a blessing. Those are very inspiring narratives. But I still find it challenging to know when to give up. 

There are useful tips around, though. One of the things I found most realistic is to think: "what is done is done." It’s worthless to sacrifice your future trying to recover what you invested in the past. Overall, do you want to spend more time, money, and energy on something that is making you unhappy? 

Another way to find an answer is the so-called gut feeling. We know the answer most of the time, but we keep attached to an idea, maybe because we fear others' opinions. We are afraid of not fulfilling the roles that are expected of us. In a Bustle magazine article, Lara Rutherford-Morrison came up with a sharp tip. If the idea of giving up on something brings relief to you, probably you already have the answer. 

After all, what helps me more is a sentence that my sister (who acts as a therapist sometimes for me!) said to me. "Try not to think of giving up, but, instead, of reorganizing your priorities." I found this statement very powerful! It's important to remind ourselves that we have the right to change our minds and choose a different path anytime. Something that is a priority right now could be meaningless tomorrow. 

To think this way may not lead us to the top of the world. But it will set us free for sure.