Listen to be heard
Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash
I'm a Big Brother fan. In Brazil, my home country, this reality show is a big deal. While half of the population brags that they prefer to read a book than watch such a despicable piece of entertainment, the other half watch it every day and talk about it on Twitter for months. I'm in the second group.
The first two days of this TV show are the worst. Desperate to be in the spotlight, the "brothers" talk non-stop simultaneously. It's almost impossible to understand what they are talking about due to overlapping voices, screams, and exaggerated laughter.
At the end of the first week, things start to get better. That's when we can see the true personalities behind the characters from day one. When they begin to hear each other, we can also listen to them.
What I love most about a TV show like this is observing human behavior (Stanford Experiment says hello!) and how people's attitudes and decisions are similar to real life. And the ability to listen with attention and empathy is increasingly scarce — on TV and in life.
That emptiness feeling
People need social connections to thrive. Studies show that feeling connected with others decreases anxiety and depression levels. It's good for our self-esteem and can even have physical benefits, increasing longevity. On the other hand, loneliness can be hazardous to our mental health.
We need to be heard and know how to listen to feel this kind of connection.
When we are in a chat, and an interlocutor doesn’t seem too interested, we feel emptiness. We can feel lonely even though we are not alone. See if you've been through any of these situations:
→ You tell something to a friend and, before you finish, they start to talk about a similar experience. "OMG, I've been in exactly the same situation last week." When they finally finish, you have already lost the train of thought.
→ You say something to a friend, and they reply, "it's not a big deal" because what happened to them is "much worse." (I wonder if some people believe they are in a suffering championship).
→ You have "breaking news" about your life to tell your friend. But they cannot stop checking their phone. Or, even worse, they suddenly change the subject, proving that they were not on the same page as you.
→ You are very engaged on a subject, and your friend keeps saying vague sentences like: "I see"; "I've been there;" "Don't worry, you'll be fine."
If you have already experienced some of those situations, or if you realized that you are a "bad listener" sometimes, don't feel bad. It’s more complex to be a good listener than most people think.
I believe that most of the time, we are trying to show empathy by telling a similar situation, trying to soften rough news through even more painful experiences, or spreading cliché sentences.
But to practice effective listening, there are good techniques. I found exciting suggestions in this article in the Harvard Business Review. Nonetheless, human interactions don't go well with rules. On the contrary: the more natural, the better.
That's why I would like to highlight the sentence that ends its article:
"(...) the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height, and amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening."
In other words, nothing is better than genuine interest. Authentic connections are the ones that spark a feeling of fullness and acceptance.
As important as being a good listener is to identify among people that surround you which ones can offer this level of reciprocity. Sometimes we choose to walk side by side with people who want attention only for them, which drains our energy.
Life is not Big Brother, but, as in the TV show, everyone has the right to be in the spotlight once in a while. It makes us feel that, in that single moment, someone is watching us as if they were watching their favorite reality show: with attention, curiosity, and a keen ear.