Women are better together

I have a friend who doesn't consider herself a "feminist." However, I see her as a great womankind supporter. She buys from the woman who makes artisan bread. She babysits a friend's daughter, so her friend can have a "child-free Friday night." She reads my articles and constantly reminds me that she's proud of me.

My mother has the same behavior. I can bet that she never read a single Simone de Beauvoir book, but she has always taken care of women around her for as long as I can remember. She does groceries for the sister-in-law who is facing financial problems. Bakes a cake for a niece who is depressed. Buys vegetables from the woman who owns a small vegetable garden.

I had these thoughts after binge-watching Maid (*), a Netflix series that has been causing a buzz for addressing critical issues like domestic abuse, homelessness, and the American social services bureaucracy. Also worth mentioning is the excellent acting of Andie MacDowell (Paula) and Margaret Qualley (Alex), who are also mother and daughter in real life. 

For me, what's most remarkable in this story is the value of a support network in a woman's life. Something that Alex, the main character, has none of. He is a single mom with no money, no loyal friends. No relatives with solid mental health; not one single shoulder to cry on. It turns out that everything is harder for her. She often sees herself profoundly alone. 

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Stronger together 

In Portuguese, my native language, we use the word "sorority" to define companionship, sisterhood, and mutual help between women. I don't believe we have to support a woman just because she's a woman. Sometimes we get disappointed, and it's essential to know the right time to give up on a relationship, whether it's a friend or a relative, for our mental health’s sake.

However, we should never forget that we still live in a patriarchal system, which profits from the fantasy of women's competition. Therefore, I genuinely believe that women are better together. 

After finishing Maid, I engaged myself in a deep reflection loaded with self-criticism: Am I offering enough support for the women who make part of my life? The following thought was: what can I offer, with my current non-stable mental status?

So, I reminded myself that I'm good at listening, and I always make sure (at least, I try) to make that clear to the women I care about. I can tell that, sometimes, active listening is the best medicine that we can give to each other. 

Vulnerability can be a gift

Everybody feels lonely sometimes. For immigrants, like me, it's a familiar feeling. You don't belong to your home country anymore, nor to the country that you choose to live in. Your family and your long-term friends are miles away. 

But my loneliness is not unlike the women who raise their children alone. Or who feel lost after a divorce. Women who make less money than their male partners in the job market, despite all their effort. Women who are battling eating disorders. Women who belong to minority groups, struggling to have their voices heard. 

Women are fighters. 

It doesn't mean that we need to hide our weaknesses, though. To show our vulnerabilities, here and there, is liberating as sometimes people don't know what is going on in our lives. 

Recently, I declined to attend a birthday party of a close friend (the one in the first paragraph). Of course, I could make up an excuse. But I was 100% honest: "Sorry, my dear. I don't feel good this week. I'm not in the mood for a big party, with many people. You are special to me, so, I promise that, very soon, I will cook something delicious for you." (Giving people homemade food is one of my ways to show love).

She was utterly understanding and said. "Don't worry! I've been there. Next week we will go out for coffee". It was a small chat that brought warmth to my heart. 

When we find support, we recover the sense of belonging, which decreases symptoms of depression and hopelessness. It can make you restore your self-esteem and find your best self. 

So, if you are facing a dark moment, ask for help. From your mom, sister, a friend - no matter if they are physically close or far from you. You can also find a support group; this is even easier through social media (oddly enough, social networks have something good!). And it's crucial to give it back: offer support for women. 

When I feel that I'm not being supportive enough, I try to seek inspiration from my female heroes: my mom, my sister, some good friends, and Gloria Steinem - the queen! It makes me feel stronger. 

Try to find - and to be - good female support. We sure know how to do that. 

(*) "Maid" is Stephanie Land’s bestselling 2019 memoir adaptation, streaming now on Netflix.

[Expectations]

Credit: We’re Not Really Strangers

I've always been good at creating expectations, from the silliest to the most complex.

From exam results to dialogues with high-school crushes. That kind of expectation that entangles with daydreaming and that eventually when it is broken down, it hurts. And with you, it couldn't have been different.

You showed up at the right time. I needed to feel desired, I needed a male figure to take my breath away even for a brief moment. And that was it. The two in a drunken moment, there was a sparkle, momentary chemistry. Unexpectedly, the moment of intimacy was good enough for that circumstance. You asked me if I would hate you on Monday, when we would meet again out of obligation. I, who had never been in such a situation, assumed that I would know how to be casual with a spontaneous "of course not!"

But Monday came, and I was still crushing hard on you. I wanted another round, but you were on your own. All week. On Saturday, I tried to express myself subtly, you dissembled. I understood and respected it because I have some dignity and know how to understand a “no” even between the lines. You said I treat you well, even though you're not an angel. (That litany of yours kills me. What the hell is that supposed to mean?). One more week passed by. I avoid your gaze. I avoid it because I'm still horny. And when I come across you, it gives me mixed feelings. I want to get closer, but not seem needy. This role has hurt me in the past. So, I walk away, however long it takes to get used to the idea. My thoughts betray me, my mind runs wild creating thousands of possible impossible situations.

Truth be told, your indifference hurt my pride badly. I wanted your desire, your effort. You've never deceived me or given false hope, but some signs were so dubious it was damaging. I wasn’t much into empowering literacy or body positive movement back then, so I was still extremely vulnerable towards my plus size figure, which immediately became the reason why he wasn’t interested in me. Was I not good in sex? Wait, he did like my kiss… Maybe I need to learn new moves? Ugh. The self-doubt, self-harming process of trying to figure out the “why” on my own was particularly harsh. 

After a while, we managed to talk about what happened, and I was sure of rejection (not that I didn't already know, of course). When you're not indifferent, you're even nice to me. Even thoughtful, I would say. But only when it suits you, unfortunately. With you, I discovered the feeling of being in the friend zone, although in many moments even friendship seemed to be a one-way street. And that's how I realized that my effort here is not worth it. I experienced this back in 2015, and it took me a year to get my sh*t together before I could close this chapter. Originally, I wrote I was thankful for everything, but looking back at it now, f*ck that. He was a total asshole. Didn’t even care about buying the day after pill. Ugh… Keep your standards high, people.

The marvelous feeling of hating someone on a small island

What if I accidentally take the same train as someone from my past? Someone that I don’t like anymore? Wait, I’m trying to sound normal. What if there is someone I hate? Because yes, the hate I have towards some people is beyond any poetry solutions I find to face life. And yes, anger is the fuel I feel towards one or 47 of the people I like to pretend are insignificant to the course of planet earth. At this point, you know I’m not scared of sounding like a motherfucker. I share my real and raw experiences with you, and they’re not always beautiful. Today, I’m going to talk about the days I can’t let go of negative thoughts. It gives me the chills when I remember that even though I cut people from my circle, they are still living in the same city as me. A city that feels tiny and tight. An island surrounded by unpleasant meetings. How many ‘you-gotta-be-kidding’ moments do you need to build a city where everyone keeps their eyes away from familiar faces? Do any other immigrants feel like that? Let's get a drink. Here’s the truth, more often than I wish, I hope they will soon leave New York and never come back. As long as this whole teenage-type-of-hate gives me good laughs over the bar table, though, I’m not letting go of these primitive feelings. I do laugh about how much I hate some people with the people I love. There is so much written about unconditional love, forgiveness, good vibes, incense, meditation, positive thoughts… but we need to talk about the pleasure of letting a few drips of childish poison out of our tongues. Not that they are right. But they exist. It’s impossible for me to imagine someone whose mind is not sometimes welcoming this type of feeling. I wonder if other immigrant communities have as much drama and as many fights as Brazilians have. You won’t believe the number of stories I have heard and how they are always so weirdly connected. You’re only one (drama or) person away from another brawl. It’s a whole family tree of misunderstandings, ex-partners, ruined parties, ruined jobs, and ruined friendships. The main reason, at least my main reason, is because of how needy we are for connection. In the past, I saw myself being friends with people I would never be friends with back in my town. We had nothing in common, we barely shared laughs, yet we were always there trying to find (or make) a strong bond. It took me a while to find my place and my heart in the community. Lots of tears, disappointments, and fear. Fear of solitude, fear of not being able to have freedom to be who I am. But finally, after 6 years, I understand who my family is here. And I’m incredibly lucky. Here I am feeling like I own this one wagon I choose every day to go to work, wishing I will never cross paths with them. Random fact that I want to share: in this wagon there’s always the same posters, one of them is “smelling the wind” a poem by Audre Lorde, who by the way I have only got to know better because of the many times I read it while turning my neck. There you go, I found a reason to connect the fact with what I’m saying: sometimes we do have to turn our necks away to figure out new possibilities of expression in other people. I question myself if I’m evil or why the fuck I have this type of thoughts as randomly as standing in line to get coffee. My coffee, from my coffee shop, my block, my neighborhood. What type of complex is this? What type of childhood trauma makes me think that mentally marking territory is going to push the most terrible coincidences away? I guess somehow, I’m still hurt. It’s ok. I’m now googling a way to own a train wagon. I’ll be fine.

Two steps for paying off debt and building financial independence

There is never a bad time to start taking care of your finances. But making this decision seems easier than following through. And I know it!

Many women who wish to have a better relationship with money find getting started when in debt as one of their biggest obstacles.

So if you are facing debt - and obviously, paying interest rates - here are some tips I've already applied to my life when I was also in debt. 

Don't worry if it seems confusing at first. There is no magic solution. This is a journey that you take step-by-step, and it is different for everybody. Let's see how I changed it and how you can too. 

The highest first

First, make a list of all your debts and organize them from the highest to the lowest interest rate. 

The key is to never miss a payment. If you can, prioritize paying the bill with a higher interest above the minimum. 

Also, to avoid late fees, keep paying all the minimum payments. Use any extra money in your budget to pay off the first debt on your list (the one with the highest interest rate).

Keep it up month after month. Yes, it takes time, but it will be worth the effort. In my case, I spent two years paying off all my debts. As you can imagine it wasn't easy, but once it was over, it felt wonderful. I have freedom again!

Once you finish the highest debt, move on to the second one on your list. Take the total payment used to pay the first one and apply it to the second debt.

Never ever play with compound interest. 

Stop spending more than you earn

As I said in my previous article, you must scrutinize how you are spending your money. Review your bank account and credit card statements over the past few months. Check how much of your spending was on needs, fun, and waste. You don't have to cut out all the fun expenses, but be sure they aren't hurting your finances.

I shouldn’t need to say, if you are spending more on fun and waste than paying off your debts, you are heading toward on the wrong pathway. Focus on eliminating your debts before anything. Again, do not play with the power of compound rates. It is the key to investing and debt as well. Make sure you can turn around and change sides as soon as possible. 

After paying off my debt, I realized I didn't need to be a victim of my then-poor finance education. I realized that I could have a goal in life with money. I no longer felt embarrassed about money. 

It does not matter what kind of debt you have. Make sure to pay at least the minimum every month, pay above the minimum as much as you can, and keep on track with your budget. You can do it!

Overthinker

Overthinking will not make your problems disappear 

A TikTok trend about anxious minds caught my attention recently. In the images, you see a woman on a regular day – watering plants, having a black coffee, or trying to fall asleep. In the background, she is narrating her thoughts, saying things like: "OMG, I had an entire cheesecake yesterday"; "I should call my dad"; "What if I had accepted that job offer?"; "I have almost no friends"; "Am I depressed?". 

I frequently see myself in this cycle, overwhelmed by my reflections, and found out that there is a name for it: "overthinking." It's a common habit among anxious people, whose cause some experts explain as a "chicken or egg question." People with poor mental health can be overthinkers, while overthinking can trigger mental health issues.

So, I asked my therapist: "are there some people who think more than others?". In other words: "Am I… special?". She kindly gave me a fascinating neurological explanation, pointing out that our neural connections are much more complex than this. She also warned me that thinking and overthinking are not the same. 

It totally makes sense to me. While thinking evokes reflection and problem-solving, overthinking is related to rumination about even the tiniest life details. Overthinkers are more prone to obsessively devote themselves to events that happened in the past or will happen in the future (Voilá! That's how an anxious mind works!). They can review – over and over – situations and dialogues that they had; or worry too much about events that might come. 

Control freaks 

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Behind an overthinker mind is the desire to control things and avoid suffering. It's as if, thinking hard, we could imagine all possible scenarios so that we always feel safe. But life is not like that; life is unpredictable. I have a personal story that taught me a lot about it.

When I first moved to San Francisco, California, I felt a small earthquake. It was 2 am, and I woke up feeling like the building was crumbling. The day after, I talked to many friends who have lived here longer than me, and most of them said something like: "Oh, that? It was 4.2. It was nothing!". One of them told me: "I don't get out of my bed for anything less than 5". I was shocked, terrified, and could not believe that those people were fine living in a place where the earth shakes! 

It turned out that I spent the next two months overthinking earthquakes. I could not sleep anymore. Finally, I realized that there's nothing more unpredictable than natural disasters, and an earthquake is possibly the one thing in the world that I have less control over in my life. Thinking about it will not prevent it from happening. 

Then I started to focus on what I could control: buying an earthquake safety kit and living in a less risky neighborhood. And that's all that I can do. Of course, I still think about it, but I can sleep now because I know I did what I could.

In short, overthinking is a counterproductive habit because we cannot control the past or the future. Most of the time, not even the present. 

Are you an overthinker?

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In an Inc Magazine article, psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of "13 things mentally strong people don't do", explains that overthinking is different from self-reflection, when we are trying to learn something to become a better person; or problem-solving, when we are searching for solutions to our issues. She lists 10 signs that you are an overthinker, so you can check it to see if you relate to the symptoms.  

One common thought among overthinkers is the "what if" question. "What if the plane crashes?"; "What if I had been more solid in that discussion?"; "What if my friends misunderstood what I said yesterday?". Again: it's impossible to control everything, especially what people think about us. 

To anxious people, it is hard to stop this whirlwind of thoughts sometimes. But it's essential to make a conscious effort to train the brain before it becomes a habit. Studies show that ruminating is linked with stress, depression, and anxiety and can be very harmful to your mood and sleep quality.

Experts also say that overthinkers can procrastinate more and become paralyzed when faced with decisions.

How to stop the cycle

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There are many tips to stop the ruminating cycle. One of the funniest (but maybe I'll try) is the one that tells you to choose a time of day for overthinking. It may work; I imagine that it could bring some sense of control. Or you can try the opposite, cleaning your mind with meditation or writing down your thoughts. 

Another good option is to distract yourself with activities that put you in a positive mood, like hobbies, physical exercises, reading, or listening to music. Maybe talk to a friend about it so you can have another point of view.  

The most important is to recognize the pattern and try to bring your thoughts to a conscious level: 

• What am I afraid of?

• Are those thoughts helpful? Are they bringing me good insights, or just more anxiety? 

• Are those thoughts real or just a fantasy? (Our brain is excellent in imagining catastrophic scenarios)

• Is there something that I can do to solve this situation? Or is it out of my control? If the answer is yes, do it. If it is no, leave it. Overthinking by itself is useless. 

More than that, ask yourself why you are overthinking a specific subject; or why your mind is working so fast? Try to understand what is behind this pattern to work on the cause, not just the symptom. Self-acknowledgement seems to be the answer for most of our emotional issues. Professional help could be necessary. 

Finally, it's important to remember that our brain can always learn new habits. It's all about training, as I could prove it to myself. I am still overthinking about millions of other issues, but every time I feel that I'm spending too much energy/time on a single thing, it turns on my "earthquake alarm." Sometimes our need for control shakes a little – and it's okay. 

Another goodbye to Brazil and a letter to us

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Sometimes I feel like you have scars and I have open wounds. Although scars are sensitive and can sometimes hurt when it’s cold, after a while it won’t bother you if you touch it. Now, every single time you poke an open wound, it will burn. It seems obvious, I know, and what’s even more obvious is that one day it will all heal: but it’s hard to believe it when the answers are as tough (and simple) as “give it time.” I know you don’t mean to poke my wounds. I also don’t mean to freeze your scars when I turn my heat off. We are so different. It’s silly to think we would ever be going to share the same coping process. So, we decide to take the road, and we let the wind decide where to put the past uncontrollable moments of our performance together. We decide to rehearse better ways to say what’s needed. I sleep in your chest. You interlace your legs with mine. As two immigrants we share a world of inconvenient thoughts and wishes, fears and dreams, waters and flakes, hard-swallows, and soft-drinks. Then you feel like my band-aid – and honestly maybe you are – protecting me from looking at it every day and keeping other things from getting inside. And indeed, I feel safe from the outside infections when you’re there measuring the spot for perfect coverage. I look deeply into your sharp eyes, so focused, so brown, so kind, making sure not to blink when it’s time to try your way in this fight one more time. It’s not like you’re losing a battle, the opposite, I feel like you’re so close to finding the right stitches that it makes me wonder if I would ever be able to do this alone and for myself. You tell me you think the same. We wonder where we would be if not together, and the answer is always the best laugh: “we suck as divorced people. It’s just not for us.” We’ve come so far, my love. This trip is the result of everything we fought for. Our battles and victories now are making sense, and the universe seems to be acting accordingly for the first time. Here, in Bahia, Brazil, where we decided to immerse ourselves in our flaws, will be where we leave the best part of us to rest in harmony. We have tightened our love throughout the knots connecting its cities and built our own magical medicine with salty kisses. We are holding off the trust issues and saying yes, for the third time to ourselves, for the first time to our protectors up-somewhere-in-the-sky, in hopes that our hands and mouths and words are guiding us back home. Whether it is New York City, São Paulo, Rio de Janeiro or Bahia, our home is where we’re together… always. 

Investing for women: what you need to know

The wage gap between men and women remains high. According to a report from Human Rights Watch, more women have quit the job market during this pandemic than men. 

"Of the 1.1 million people who left between August and September, over 800,000 were women. Experts suggest that due to the persistent gender earnings gap across spouses and the increase in caregiving burden, women were more likely to drop out of the labor force as schools and childcare centers closed", they reported.  

Those numbers are just a small fraction of the challenges women can face during their lives, which drive females to poverty as elderlies or after a divorce. 

There is no manual or recipe for investing, but there are habits that, cultivated over time, will bring us closer to our financial dreams. You can invest  over time for your independence without sacrificing the present.

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Get organized and know what your goals are

If you want to start investing, organizing your financial life is the first step. If you invest while paying heavy interest on your credit card, it is equivalent to canceling your earnings. Make a list of your income (salary and other sources of income) and all your expenses (including those paid by credit card). 

Take an X-ray of your finances. Analyze where the biggest expenses are, and what can be reduced or even eliminated if it's unnecessary. Make sure everything is in order.

When investing, you should also know your goals. Want to buy something, travel, reach a certain income to retire, help your family? Know the cost of your goals. This clarity of why we invest makes the practice more stimulating and helps maintain discipline.

Whatever your occupation, income, or standard of living, be clear about your goal. 

What would happen if you stopped earning income today? How long can money invested in the past support your current living standards or what you want to have in the future?

I know professionals with a high living standard who invest poorly or don't invest at all. As a result, as people age, they become less willing and energetic to work at the same pace and, consequently, end up losing their living standard.

Ask yourself: What is my life goal? Will my living standard remain the same if I don't have the same health or energy to work? How do I feel about the income I have today? What can I do if not?

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Your first investment

When investing, some mistakes must be avoided if one wants to achieve financial independence. Anyone's first investment should be in an emergency reserve fund.

You should have at least three months' worth of living expenses in your emergency fund. If possible, it must cover at least 12 months, but you should start small.

For example, a $3k monthly living cost requires at least a $9K reserve (3 months). This reserve will not be made overnight, but make sure you build it as quickly as possible.

Set aside 20% of your income every month for investments. If you cannot begin with 20%, start with 5%. Start somewhere.

Independent contractors, whose incomes can vary, should have a reserve of at least six months. Make an average of how much you've earned over the past 12 months and how much you've spent.

There are some precautions for your reserve emergency fund. Do not invest it in shares or long-term CDs (Certificates of Deposit). It should also not be in an investment with a withdrawal penalty or high tax for cashing out.

The best option for you would probably be a separate savings account or money market account, depending on the interest rate, minimum balance, etc.

Is it necessary to invest every month? When it comes to investing, there is no rule. It means that investing every month is not necessary, but you should. The sooner you stop wasting money on useless things and put it to work, the better off you will be. 

To develop financial independence, beginners must maintain discipline, frequency, and set clear goals. 

We are living longer, getting more opportunities, but we are still far from being financially independent. The future of women can be even more challenging than the future of men for a variety of reasons, we know that! No matter how bad your finances or your history with money may be, securing our future through action today is an act of self-love. You can do it!  

Small Changes

Reframing the routine can be the way out in the face of uncertainty

Several people that I know made significant changes in their lives during the pandemic. Some changed their relationship status; others switched jobs; moved to other neighborhoods or cities. Some used the benefit of the home office to spend more time in their parent's houses; or even to have a nomadic experience in different places.

I've pretty much been doing the same since March 2020, when the lockdown began. I cannot complain, of course: I took some short trips since I live in California and there are plenty of deserted places that I could escape to and practice social distance in the middle of nature. Plus, I'm vaxxed and have all my basic needs met. 

I'm conscious that these are enormous privileges, given that more than half of the world's population is not vaccinated, and thousands of people are suffering right now from unemployment, food insecurity, and grief due to Covid-19. Still, I feel that my brain craves some novelty. Should I blame myself for feeling that way?

Yes, the guilt is real, but I think that, at some point, life has to resume. Talking with some friends about it, I discovered that it's not just me. One feeling shared among many people is that the pandemic seems not to have an end. 

When we finally started seeing vaccine progress, new variants and anti-vax people emerged. We feel powerless and cannot control our lives - as the world is still holding the "pause" button.

While some people saw this period as an opportunity for significant changes, others feel stagnant because of several factors like financial insecurity, fear, family problems linked to the pandemic, etc. The rise of anxiety and depression symptoms rates shows that people are, indeed, mentally exhausted. There is a familiar feeling that the days are all the same, in an endless and monotonous routine.  

Routine is good, but so does breaking it 

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It is important to note that routine can be a good thing, though. Several researchers claim that having a daily schedule alleviates symptoms of mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety symptoms, and bipolar disorder. 

Recently, listening to a podcast, I heard from a psychologist that routine could make our lives make sense. She spoke something like: "To know 'when' is one of our biggest existential questions". Meaning: routine brings us an illusion of predictability, a safety feeling. 

The thing is: the pandemic took it from us because "when" became a massive question without a simple answer. Plus, we are still following a forced routine, not a chosen one. Our home, which should be synonymous with comfort, sometimes looks like a prison. We lost our freedom and spontaneity, even to break the routine by making small or big plans. 

Maybe the path, right now, is to try to "makeover" our routine, searching for some newness with things that are within our control.

Small changes, big improvements

Since I noticed that there are many things that I cannot change in my routine right now, nor can I plan a noteworthy innovation, I started to think small. I picked the tiny things that I can control, and started to do minor improvements in my routine to feel that something new is happening. 

I started with the classic "craving a change" act: I dyed my hair. Then, I tried to rediscover my neighborhood. I went to a grocery store that I've never been to before - and it's just three blocks away from my home. There, I discovered several products that I can't find in the store that I usually go to. 

I've made small modifications at home, too. I rearranged my workspace, moved the furniture, and redecorated it with plants and family photos. It brought me a "new view" inside my own home. I also made a small investment in new pillows. Actually, I should change the mattress, but I can't do it right now, so I started humbly. It improved my sleep quality by 80%. That's progress! 

There is a scientific basis as to why we like new things so much. Some studies show that novelty makes us happy because the brain interprets it as a potential for reward, that is to say, something pleasurable. Fresh, new, and unfamiliar stimuli activate dopamine neurons, improving our memory and learning capacity - since it is an excellent opportunity to make new neural connections and enlarge our brain's plasticity. 

I can tell myself that these recent little new experiences made me feel more creative, less anxious and put me in a better mood. Here are some tips for minor changes that can play a significant role in your mental status:

• On the weekend, take 10 or 15 minutes to plan your meals for the week ahead. You will thank yourself when you find out that you don't have to overthink preparing your food (and, consequently, use food apps less often).

• Wake up ten minutes earlier and do something for yourself: stretch your body, meditate, read ten pages of a book, or just have some coffee without external stimuli such as TV or cell phone. 

• Take a short walk after lunch. If you have a dog, even better: take them with you.

• Learn something new that has nothing to do with your work. 

• Buy a new plant. They make the home more beautiful and alive. 

• Rearrange furniture. 

• Buy a new photo frame and put one picture that brings a good memory. 

• Clean a drawer. 

• Give away clothes that you are not wearing anymore. 

• Try a new recipe - and, if the result is good, give some to a friend. 

In a moment when we cannot control big things, thinking small may be helpful. We can allow ourselves to make some changes with safe practices and empathy for those in a worse spot than us. 

When the world gives us no option to see massive and extraordinary perspectives, we may try to honor the small pleasures in our ordinary lives. 

Not-so-lonely heart and that’s a problem

This is the first time I talk about my forbidden love. I’ve never thought, not in my entire life, that I was going to fall so ardently and quickly. I think about that embrace and the way my legs seem to know the way to happiness and the way my ears guess every future sound coming and in my blurry projections of certainty there is no such thing as life without it. My love is a balcony on a busy street with as many trees as there are building construction. A bike racing with the birds up and down the concrete hills. My forbidden love is far, far away from the water. I was asked if this is what really bothers me in this whole insanity. No. My answer was no. I choose to rest my head in a New York City’s cheap silk pillowcase, so my dreams won’t mess with my waves, but no. It doesn’t bother me being far away from the water as for now. In joy, I’m jumping through the beginning of a very bloody-dry secret relationship. One that will wake me up winded and dehydrate me to hate and make me question every single geographic choice I have ever made in my life. In every corner of passion, I’m ready to meet myself. There I am dressing well and expecting to make this the brightest day of the year, hoping to find the littlest excuse to run away to pay the rent of promises to cross and occupy the loud unknown property of destiny. I’m in love, and it’s about the way everyone else seems to be feeling the same. About the interlacing of my movements with the way the flowers express hunger. The melancholic beauty in the drawings of a human-made cloudy sky, covering universes’ decision to shine. To come forward with the risk of a forbidden love, is to change the course of not only my self-analysis, but the way I face my future. I can’t yet tell the world exactly where I want to be if I can’t look in a mirror and force my lips to say that, the truth is I have no idea. If I decide to set fire to my birth roots and burn down what I built because of it, I will have to learn how to turn ashes into gold. I can barely light a match precisely. At least in this whole madness, I got to create new soundtracks for reflection. My bossa nova heart and soul knows (and tries) to convince me I wasn’t made for the sand-less, water-less love, and every time I think about the sun kissing the tip of my nose in January, I get butterflies in my stomach. When I’m licking my dreamy salty lips, I know for sure I found my place on earth– but then l set foot on JFK and all of it is gone. Suddenly, it goes live in my brain: Chamber of Reflection by Mac Demarco. It’s time for nothing. “Go girl, give us inertia!” I swear somewhere in this body we are screaming this. I’m fucked. I have lived, loved, and felt the difference between Rio de Janeiro and New York. This is a letter, statement, confession, call it what you want, announcement: I’m cheating on both of them with São Paulo and I have no idea how to stop this affair. 

A frank conversation about Afghan women

University of Virginia’s professor Helena Zeweri talks about US withdrawal, the Afghan diaspora, and challenges the idea that muslim women need saving

The eyes of the world have focused on Afghanistan since August 15, when the Taliban took over Kabul and the former president, Ashraf Ghani, fled the country. Since then, thousands of people have scrambled to escape, fearing a return to the harsh realities of the 1990s, when the Taliban forbade women to work or go to school. It all happened in the context of the US troops withdrawal, raising questions about the role the United States played in the country, and what the future of Afghans, especially Afghan women, will look like. 

EmpowHer talked to Helena Zeweri, a founding member of the Afghan American Artists and Writers Association and assistant professor of Global Studies at the University of Virginia, where she teaches courses on global migration, humanitarianism, and colonialism. Currently based in Virginia, Zeweri identifies as a diasporic Afghan American and has been working alongside the Afghan community in the US since 2008. 

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[This conversation has been edited for clarity and length]

Helena, thanks a lot for taking the time—I can only imagine how exhausting this week has been. Can you tell us a bit more about yourself and your work? 

My family members were displaced from Afghanistan in the late 1970s and early 1980s, and they ended up in New York, specifically Queens, which is where I grew up in a close-knit Afghan community. I have incredible memories of being a part of this closely bound community. 

The Afghan American Artists and Writers Association (AAAWA) seeks to amplify the multiplicity of voices within the Afghan diaspora. Our collective began through the pioneering work of Afghan diasporic writers and poets. Our organization wanted to just show that being Afghan means so many different things--we saw our identities being boxed into definitive scripts.

What do you think was the overall feeling in the Afghan and Afghan-American community about the US withdrawal?  

The decision to withdraw a military presence in the country is not inherently a bad one. However, it is the nature of the exit from the country that many people are completely shaken by. How could a country that has spent 20 years in the supposed name of nation-building, who then created the economic and political conditions for the Taliban to regain a significant foothold, leave in such a hasty and completely disorganized way, so as to leave millions behind fearing for their lives and futures? 

The evacuation of Afghan civilians has been an utter disaster. Diaspora groups in the US and other countries have witnessed first hand what a complete failure this has been. We are literally working around the clock to get people’s visas expedited—doing the things lawyers and government bureaucrats are supposed to be doing. 

Are there any misconceptions going around that particularly frustrate you? 

Well, the misconceptions have been going around for hundreds of years across multiple imperial powers—beginning with British conceptions of Afghans as savage barbarians who require ‘taming’. The US media specifically has fallen into repurposing those tropes in all kinds of ways. For example, we’ve seen discussion of Afghan women as in need of being saved. While in this moment [sic], the US and NATO’s presence is critically important, women do not need the US and NATO to give them flourishing lives and the opportunity to thrive. Afghan women and men throughout the country have worked together toward these goals, but this never gets covered by the media. While they need critical help at the moment, this help should be geared toward creating the conditions under which displaced Afghans and Afghan nationals can thrive and flourish.

Can you talk a bit more about why the idea of “saving Afghan women” should be challenged?  

The general public is left with the belief that women in this part of the world are simply passive victims of repressive regimes. My question becomes what happens after the immediate humanitarian crisis? Do the same Western feminists who talk about rescuing Afghan women today, feel comfortable when Afghan women speak out against injustice in the new countries where they end up? My question becomes, is liberal feminism really interested in Afghan women once these women start resisting injustice, and calling out imperial violence? Is their relationship with Afghan women one of true solidarity or one of pity? Do they expect women to continue to inhabit the role of the passive, silent recipient of humanitarian aid?

It is important to understand that when the US talks about ‘saving Afghan women,’ it is a way for the US to erase its own role in all of this. It ends up negating the violence of the War on Terror, and through the ongoing financial and political linkages the US and other state actors have maintained vis-à-vis the Taliban. According to Brown University’s Costs of War initiative, as a result of the last 20 year war which was justified under the pretense of ‘saving Afghan women’, over 70,000 Afghan civilians have died many of whom were women and approximately 6 million Afghans have been displaced as a result of the fallout.

It is also important to recognize how the Taliban’s violence is materially and historically linked to decades of imperial intervention, by both the Soviet Union, the US, Pakistan, and increasingly China and Russia. We need to be able to show that the violence Afghan women face today and have been resisting for decades has been conditioned by the political chess games of these interventions.

What do you think about the overall coverage since the Taliban takeover?

I think a key assumption of media coverage of Afghanistan are the following: Afghans do not know what they are doing and are responsible for the botched evacuation process. And the idea that this is the Taliban 2.0. This framing assumes that the Taliban have found ways to recreate themselves or that their power this time around is not as invested in things like gender-based violence or the systematic oppression of ethnic minorities, like the Hazara community. This is not the case from reports I am hearing from family and friends. The Taliban’s very essence is rooted in the logic of dehumanization, subjugation, economic exploitation, and human depravity.

Having said that, it’s important to point out that the media coverage has done well in the sense that it has featured more voices from the Afghan diaspora and Afghanistan than usual. 

Darul Aman Palace; Photo taken by architect, Rafi Samizay.

Darul Aman Palace; Photo taken by architect, Rafi Samizay.

It seems that the advancement of Afghan women’s rights in the last 20 years is one of the country’s biggest successes. How can we avoid a Euro or Ameri-centric approach to Afghan women’s Empowerment?

We need to stop treating Afghan women as a geographically insulated blob of people who are just dealing with their own issues that are completely disconnected from our own. It’s possible for women’s issues in different parts of the world to be qualitatively different, yet historically connected.

I think key to overcoming this double bind is to first unsettle the idea that the Taliban’s takeover marks a clear break with the regime that was in power two weeks ago. Under the Ghani regime, women’s rights were not in a good place. Women were actively fighting and protesting around gender equality for decades.

What is the one thing you think all people in the United States should understand?  

Afghans like all communities are multi-dimensional complex human beings who have dreams, aspirations, and want to live fulfilling lives. They don’t need to be ‘resilient’ or ‘perfect’ in order to be eligible to get that opportunity. That goes for all displaced peoples. There is nothing essentially good or bad about Afghan people.

Any displaced community knows how things work, so to speak. They understand how bureaucracies work, they understand how the ‘system of inequality’ in which they live and which they must confront works—whether it’s the Taliban or the global refugee system, which is centered around how to keep people out rather than take them in. I say that to point out that Afghans are not helpless victims who need to be saved so that they can then be re-dominated by their saviors. Afghans need help right now, that is true. But what they need help with is to create the fundamental conditions that are necessary to go on and live a flourishing, and fulfilling life.

What are your hopes for the future? 

That the Afghan people will continue to resist and push for revolutionary change. I hope that one day we in the diaspora will be able to have a flourishing physical connection with our ancestral homeland. 

How do you think people in the United States can support Afghans? 

1) Helping the current evacuation – we can no longer extend the evacuation deadline but there are private NGOs that may still operate and so ensuring they have the funds they need to continue evacuations would be good. If you live in a country whose government is considering staying, continue to push for that.

2) For those Afghans who are in transit countries, we should do all we can to advocate for the expediting of their visas and for them to be registered with UNHCR if need be. We should also ask our governments to expand asylum eligibility requirements.

3) For those Afghans who have arrived to the US, there is a ton of need for resources, basic living supplies, as well as foster parents for recently arrived unaccompanied minors. Please follow some of these orgs [sic] for more information on that. Legal assistance with those who have arrived in the US would also be good.

4) And for those who will inevitably be left behind, civil society needs to step in and see if there is the political will to continue to help those people. We cannot leave those people behind and force them to cross land boundaries through human smugglers.

I would say that a good place to start is to start following some key coalitions and organizations, including @afghansforabettertomorrow; @adeprogress; @afghanamericancoalition; @aaawa_art; @afghansinsolidarity; @afghanamericanfnd; @swanalosangeles; @wiseafghanistan.

There are tons of congressional action items that people can get involved in.

Hearts Series: Memoir of a Foreign Soul

The soul of a foreigner constitutes more than a state of being. It is a state of searching. This isn't a good-bye letter. This is a closure to a beautiful cycle. Yes, they surprisingly end, too. The artistic work, as everything else in life, seeks a finish line that is never there. The artist must learn how to draw such a finish line and move on to the next challenge. EmpowHer NY has been such a wonderful home, and I'm so grateful for all the brave women that I have met. It is magical to witness your peers' healing processes and, more often than ever, identify with them. Because I, too, am constantly healing. One doesn't only heal from their wounds, they also heal from their choices, and that isn't necessarily bad, it only means we embraced the good and bad that comes with the freedom of being ourselves.

To not belong can be terrifying, but it can also be liberating. Every situation we don't fit in is a page we have permission to turn. And, when we turn such a page, a brand new one takes place and suddenly, we are in charge of writing our story again. I remember being seven years old and seated at the table surrounded by talkative adults sharing their old-world truths. "You gotta be a doctor, young lady. Only doctors make good money", or "No, not at all, look at her, she is so good with words, she's gotta be a lawyer". I didn't know I was good with words, but I have always enjoyed seeing them on a piece of paper. Writing took me places I never thought I would've gone, like unexplored new worlds and facades of New York I didn't know exist. I have come to New York to write the story within the story: my own.

Those you love back home might never understand what it takes to thrive in a foreign land. Not lacking desire to do so, but for overload of care and concern. Every time I recall the day I saw my parents for the very last time before boarding to go abroad, I remember my mom's words to me. Unwillingly, she had imprinted on me several of her fears and concerns about my leaving. It took me an incredible amount of love to understand where she was coming from, it took me an even greater amount of love to convey both my respect for her and my will to take the driver seat of my own life. 

A couple of years later, her and I recalled that time fondly. In every successful relationship, it takes time to adjust to each other's needs. Sometimes, it's about exiting the land you were born in. Other times, it's about embracing that same land even if you're not there anymore. My mother and I overstepped each other's lands many times, more than we wanted to admit but, sometimes the only way to learn a map is by navigating it.

In the end, every choice we have made and every chance we have taken, it all serves a greater purpose: to let go of this silly fear of navigating our own map. The things I have learned about myself weren't necessarily always pretty and stimulating, there were some ugly pieces to it but, when I figured it out the whole, I wasn't afraid anymore. To discover the entireness of who we are is to feed our soul deeply. There is no such thing as a soul that doesn't want to be discovered, seen. For every stage of this discovery, an opportunity to learn rises. For every foreign soul that ventures outside their cocoon, a new world is born. 

Using food to deal with your feelings? Learn more about emotional eating

Eat less, work out more. Until very recently, this formula was considered the only path to control our hunger and weight. In the past, the idea that our body works mathematically was a consensus. The diet culture taught us that we'd have problems with the scale if we eat more than we burn. So, we better shut our mouths, right? 

Fortunately, times have changed, and thanks to science, we already know that eating habits go way beyond that. 

A person's weight and needs regarding what, when, and how much they eat are very specific. And it depends on a million factors, including genetics, gender, financial conditions, sleep quality, and so on. 

One of the most important is emotional status. The Covid-19 crisis put us in a very stressful place, and it affected the way that we eat. Some studies show that many people had used food to smooth out negative feelings during the pandemic. 

Specialists describe hunger that is not related to physical needs, but to feelings, as "emotional eating."

You open the fridge and think: "I need to eat something. But I don't even know what and why." You probably already have experienced something like that at some point in your life. Everybody does.

People use food to comfort themselves against absolutely everything - anger, sadness, loneliness, boredom, anxiety, fear. 

Food could be a good friend - the one who never abandons you. 

Food, love, and comfort

Remember in how many movies you see the classic scene where the girl is thrown on the couch eating a giant ice cream bowl after her boyfriend broke up with her? 

Although it seems a misogynist representation of women - as if we are always left behind by men - there is some truth to this. Some studies show that women are more likely to eat "unhealthy" (*) foods when facing stress than men. 

And why ice cream and not a vast and fresh lettuce salad? Well, there are some biological explanations for why we prefer sugary, salty, and fatty foods when we are upset. One of them, it's because this kind of food hits our reward system and increases the production of dopamine hormones, which gives us an immediate feeling of pleasure. 

Another answer is that when we are under stress, our brain requires more energy. The best and quickest way to get this is eating simple carbs, as the brain researcher and diabetologist Achim Peters explains in this article on Scientific American. 

But it's also essential to consider the social role that food has occupied in our lives. We have been rewarded with food since birth. Baby cries, and mom gives them milk. Children show good behavior so that they can have dessert. Birthday party? Food. Job promotion? Food. Open house? More food. 

Food is good. And our brains know that. Then, nothing is more natural than seeking a good piece of pizza or our favorite chocolate when we feel down. 

From innocent episodes to patterns

The problem of emotional eating starts when it becomes a pattern. Eating comfort food in every stressful situation could change our food routine, leading to obesity and chronic diseases. 

Emotionally speaking, it's also bad because overeating can bring guilt, sadness, and self-depreciation. Besides, it becomes increasingly difficult to understand the proper hunger signals. 

Therefore, if you face this kind of problem, I have a question for you: can you tell when you are physically hungry and when you are just trying to fill the emotional gaps with food? 

If you are lost, the first important thing to do is to figure out the difference between emotional and physical hunger. 

• Physical hunger shows symptoms like headache, dizziness, irritation, stomach pain, weakness, trembling. Also, when your body is asking for energy to keep working, you are up to eating any food. 

• Emotional hunger, on the other hand, it's more like: "I deserve to eat something delicious because I had an awful day." So, probably you are more prone to throw yourself on candies, snacks, or fast food - overall, your brain is asking: the quicker, the better! 

Now, suppose you identified that what you are feeling is emotional emptiness. In that case, you can try to go deeper to understand the reasons behind these cravings.

In this article, Evelyn Tribole, a renowned dietician and co-founder of the Intuitive Eating movement, spread some reflection questions to understand feelings better. 

There are plenty of ways to cope with emotional eating. One idea is food diaries, which can help you better understand the triggers that lead you to eat more than usual.

Another one is mindful eating, an excellent tool to keep you focused and appreciate meal times more consciously. 

Those are good alternatives, according to specialists. Still, most of them reinforce the importance of self-acknowledgement to ending the emotional eating cycle.

So, if you are eating your feelings regularly, consider seeing a therapist. Ice cream is good, but it feels even tastier when you understand what is going on inside your mind. 

(*) I use the word "unhealthy" between quotes because this concept of "bad" and "good" food is out of date. There is a broader notion nowadays between nutritionists who study eating behavior that putting food in these categories brings more doubts and guilt. Every food is good inside a moderate and balanced diet.

The bracelet and the ring

I never learned how to ride a bike. Or whatever roller-something. No scooters. Nothing. I grew up having only my feet as a source of locomotion. I was never really interested in those things; I care much more about the possibilities of breaking a bone. For countless times at school and at home, people tried to teach me how to have at least some sense of motion, but learning right and left seemed to be an impossible conundrum. Although I started to speak at 8 months old, according to my mom, and by the age of 5 I would write with both hands, I could never, never look at a narrow space and know if I fit. For all of those reasons, I never believed that I would drive a car in my life, which made me secretly deeply sad because one of the things I love the most is to be inside a car listening to music and singing at the top of my lungs against the wind. It wasn’t until three months ago, that I stopped accepting the fact I’d never be able to do this by myself, controlling my path on the road. I gave all the fucks possible to all the odds against my dream and enrolled in driving lessons. “Never for a moment I will think about failing” that was the only promise I made to myself. It had nothing to do with hope or positivity. My stubbornness level ten and pride guide me throughout the streets of Brooklyn and its endless stop signs. Then came the universe blowing me forward, giving me all the answers in little things like my instructor’s name, which is the same as my mom’s favorite gypsy-spirit-to-pray-to. My road test was scheduled for July 7: 07/07 double my lucky number. There I am, paying attention to all the mirrors, my bracelet (that means the right) and my ring (meaning the left), the crazy (assuming they’re always insane helps me) behind me and ignoring the honks for me. Every time I drove, it felt like a hug to my inner child, who would sit on a bench while everyone raced with their bikes. Felt like a high five to the little and frustrated girl trying to learn geographic coordinates. When I finally felt safe behind the wheels, I decided I would take myself for a ride around the place I was born: Rio de Janeiro. And so, I did everything possible to finally listen to my dear Jonas Brothers’ playlist at top volume off to nowhere alongside the beaches. On the plane, I was wishing I could drive all the way. I couldn’t stop dreaming and thinking about the day I’d get the car. Finally, it has come. This morning, I picked up the car and drove for the first time in my home country. Me, the girl who could never figure out how to use her body properly in her surroundings. With my knees full of scars and my own ways of figuring out directions, I stepped on the gas to leave behind a huge, painful chapter of my life. I can do this now. In tears of happiness, I’m sitting in the car -parked, of course- writing this to tell the world that I made it: I made it.

Hearts Series: Memoir of a Foreign Heart

I once was told that home is where our heart is. As I grew up surrounded by family and the nuances of my own culture, I have always had the feeling that something was missing. That something was a void that, later on, I would fill with travels and the possibility of finding unknown places on Earth.

When a foreigner, who I would define here as someone in the search of a home that makes sense in their heart, travels abroad, they often know that the home they are looking for is an ongoing process that has been built inside them even before the journey itself. The search for what makes sense in life begins earlier, prematurely, in the willingness of embarking upon such endeavors. 

We must explain some myths (first) to understand the heart of a foreigner. Such as, when one ventures in an overseas land, their love for their motherland is still there and, more often than ever, it will always be. What we are looking for is a different reality, not purely a different citizenship. The soul of a foreigner will always rest on the core of their homeland. They usually transport it with them, no matter where they go. It is an accent, their home cuisine and, sometimes, their heritage. No wonder why so many cultures make a home, and room, for their entire culture. It is like bringing a small portion of their country in the suitcase.

Sometimes, we love the house we were born in, but we have to change its structure to keep the house from falling over our heads.

I came overseas because my heart felt very foreign in the nest I was constituted in. However, I would learn later in life that my heart was foreign to the land I grew up in because I was simultaneously foreign to that land as well. Sometimes, we grow outside the nest that nurtured us to understand that the nest will always be there, whenever we feel like coming back. And that itself shifts the perspective of living abroad. It is usually a choice. And when we’re not the ones making that choice, life will make them for us, and we will be just along for the ride.

The foreigner, outside their homeland, chooses to relearn everything in a nest that is, not yet, familiar to them. Isn’t it beautiful when we learn that restart is more than a verb, it is a way of life? 

The heart of a foreigner is always in a restless state because, deep down inside, their soul doesn't belong anywhere. The soul of a foreigner is constantly searching for something.

Pushing (And Chalking) Back At Catcalling

Meet Sophie Sandberg, the woman behind a global movement against street harassment @ChalkBack

Photo: Nathalia Alcantara

Photo: Nathalia Alcantara

Sophie Sandberg was only 15, but on that sunny morning in 2012 she relished the idea of becoming an adult. As she dressed up in her bedroom in the Upper West Side, the then shy teenager anticipated meeting her boss and coworkers on the first day of her job in a downtown New York bakery. Wanting to make a good impression, she picked her outfit carefully: a purple sundress and white espadrilles sandals, the perfect combination to take on the steamy summer streets. She checked her purse. Wallet, check. Phone, check. Keys, check. Great, she was on time.

As she got out of the subway in Union Square, a deep voice pierced her ear:

“Hey, sexy”

She continued walking. After all, the day was good. She felt like a grown-up. She was on time. 

“Nice legs,” a stranger said a block later. 

With every block, a new comment, and with every “Hi, beautiful,” a new question: Maybe there was something wrong with what she was wearing? Maybe it was the way she was walking? How was she supposed to respond? The questions frazzled her for the rest of the day and distracted her from what had otherwise been a great start at her summer job. 

Later that night, she told her parents about the comments. “Ignore it and keep walking,” they said. Street harassment, she learned, was accepted as a part of life by most people around her. But it did not seem acceptable to her, and she would not rest until she found the right way to respond to these lewd comments.

It took four years for her to find a way to push back at street harassers, but eventually she ignited a wave of activists in six continents, 49 countries and 150 cities who joined her. Chalk Back, her nonprofit organization, uses street chalking to raise awareness about catcalling and has to date chalked the harassers’ own words on sidewalks in over 800 sidewalks in New York and many more abroad.  

Also referred to as stranger harassment, catcalling is defined by psychologists as a “form of sexual harassment, or unwanted verbal or nonverbal sexual attention.” It is a one-sided interaction that can be accompanied by “whistles, winks, or grabs,” according to a paper published in the journal Current Psychology in 2019. Like all forms of sexual harassment, it can impact people’s quality of life, body image and self-esteem, experts say.

That summer when she was 15, Sandberg avoided certain streets, night walks and revealing outfits. Catcalling, she said recently, harms people by restricting their access to public spaces due to intimidation. @CatcallsOfNYC aims to give victims a way to reclaim the public spaces where they have been harassed. 

The project started with a writing class assignment in 2016, when Sandberg was a freshman at New York University, majoring in Gender and Sexuality Studies. Asked to immerse herself in an issue and document it on social media, she had the subject at the tip of her tongue. At that point, the 19-year-old was fed up and had already been writing about catcalling in school.

With no plan other than to get a good grade, Sandberg went to a hardware store near Washington Square and bought chalk, the only material she needed to execute her idea. The plan was simple: She would go to the spots where the catcalling happened and chalk back the words on the sidewalk for other people to confront it. 

The first chalk was a short one: “Hey beautiful,” the words a man said to her while following her late at night on 10th Street and Second Avenue. She enjoyed how passersby sometimes slowed their walking pace with their eyes directed at the quote, and fought her shyness when people talked to her. The daughter of two therapists, Sandberg often tried to listen and engage when polite strangers approached her with questions about the chalking.

One day, she spent several minutes explaining the project to a man, who then asked her out on a date. “I think he just pretended to be interested in the project,” she said, laughing. More recently, a man persistently asked for her phone number while she was working on a quote. “It’s ironic,” she said. Until now, not realizing what the project is about, men often catcall Sandberg and other activists from @CatcallsOfNYC while they chalk. 

For the first two years, the project’s Instagram page had no more than 100 followers. They were mostly Sandberg’s friends, who would share their experiences with street harassment; she would go to the spots where it happened and write the words down. It wasn't until the aftermath of the #MeToo movement, in 2018, that more people started paying attention. Articles featuring Catcalls of NYC at BuzzFeed and Mic News were the first to attract an audience. Today, the page has roughly 175,000 followers. 

The media attention attracted women from different parts of the world who reached out asking to bring Catcalls of NYC to their cities. Faraj from London was the first. After that, everything happened so fast that Sandberg can’t remember what city came next. In 2018, she founded “Chalk Back,” an umbrella organization to manage the dozens of local branches of “Catcalls of'' around the world: Catcalls of Frankfurt, Catcalls of Cairo, Catcalls of Paris, Catcalls of Bogota, among others. 

Catcalling occurs around the globe. In 2016, ActionAid, an international organization against poverty and injustice, conducted a survey revealing that 79% of women living in cities in India, 86% in Thailand, and 89% in Brazil have been subjected to harassment or violence in public. While Sandberg is amazed by the traction her movement received, she is not surprised the message resonated with women around the world. 

Today, one of the most challenging aspects of her work with @ChalkBack is multitasking: “I feel like on a given day, I'm kind of doing five things,” she said. “I'm learning about how to write grants, and maybe editing videos for our page. And figuring out our leadership structure for the global movement. I'm planning local events in New York. And I'm working on social media and giving advice to different call accounts about how to run their pages.” 

Sophie Sandberg during a 2021 @CatcallsOfNYC demonstration with @TheRealCatwalk, a grassroots organization that promotes body acceptance. Photo: Nathalia Alcantara

For an income, Sandberg does freelance speaking and educational workshops to students and youth groups, freelance writing, and occasionally, she does cat- and baby-sitting. Although she has got small grants and has done some crowdfunding for chalk back, she receives no salary from the organization. This January, near its five-year anniversary, Catcalls of NYC attained a legal nonprofit status thanks to volunteer lawyers.  

One of Sandberg’s next goals for @CatcallsOfNYC is to start working on quotes on long-lasting murals. Street art, she said, has the power to provoke new thinking and start conversations that ignite social change. To Sandberg, the solution to catcalling relies heavily on bystanders intervening by speaking back on behalf of victims. That is the premise of Catcalls of NYC: the more awareness, the more people respectfully intervene. 

To learn more about Sophie Sandberg and get involved, go to: 

www.catcallsofnyc.com

Instagram: @CatcallsofNYC and @ChalkBackOrg

After a long wait, we got vaccinated. Now what?

New York Magazine recently had a cover story about reopening anxiety. "The Return of FOMO," says the headline, with a photo of a girl looking at the horizon accompanied by millions of thoughts, all of them linked to the endless possibilities that start from now on: the return of shows, restaurants, events, parties, and, above all, meeting larger groups of people. 

The worry caused by waiting to be vaccinated still is a reality for millions of people around the world, unfortunately. But, here, especially in the states where the number of vaccinated people are progressing (like California and New York), a new type of anxiety is growing among the lucky ones who are fully vaxxed, and it's about resuming the "old normal."

Last year, we taught our brains new habits of what we called "the new normal", such as social isolation and the omnipresence of masks and hand sanitizer in our lives. When these behaviors finally are in automatic mode, we are again facing a paradigm change, which brings us some discomfort. 

Despite the vaccine, there is still a general fear and uncertainty hanging in the air. We know so little about the new variants and the long-term side effects in people who have already been infected. Some people also feel insecure because most of their relatives haven't been vaccinated yet (this is my case, since my whole family lives in Brazil). 

We understand that the vaccine doesn't solve all our problems, and returning to the life we used to have is not automatic.

If you are also feeling this way, don't worry; you are not alone. According to the American Psychological Association report 49% of Americans said they don't feel comfortable resuming personal interactions when the pandemic ends. And it's easy to understand why. 

Back to the cave

Post-pandemic anxiety has drawn specialists' attention. Some of them use the term "cave syndrome" to feature the struggle to return to social life. This is not an official disorder, recognized by the DSM-5, but it helps us to name this confused feeling: while part of us wants to return to our old social habits; the other part wants to stay in our comfy caves. 

During the pandemic, many people completely changed their lifestyles for the better. Of course, I'm talking about the ones who kept their jobs and worked from home. Overall, with all the guaranteed basic needs, it was even possible to have some advantages to their ‘new lives’. 

For instance, remote work allowed some people to migrate from urban centers to more distant places, infinitely cheaper and quieter, and with luck, even closer to nature. 

Some managed the hours once spent on the commute in a more balanced routine, with healthier eating habits, more hours of sleep, daily physical activity, and some time for hobbies. 

Finding small pleasures inside the home was also an excellent tool to preserve mental health during this period. Cleaning, gardening, playing with the dog, or baking a cake have become some of these precious joys, once forgotten when we used to be distracted by the outside world. 

And what about the beauty rituals that we could just let go, from the moment we didn't have to "perform" for anyone? Several women discovered that they don't want to dye hair, apply nail polish, wax, or use tight and uncomfortable clothes ever again. 

Suddenly, we allowed ourselves to spend a weekend binge-watching series, guiltlessly, without the fear of missing out. Everybody was doing the same (or at least they should have been), staying inside the cave to stop the virus spread, right? 

Anyway, there was no longer the urgency of the weekend; no more excuses for the parties you didn't want to go to but felt obligated because "everyone would be there." All of a sudden, staying in the cave became super fun and comfortable.

There is light at the end of the cave

Ok, your cave is warm and perfect, but so is life outside. In-person connections are essential for our well-being, so what about finding a middle ground? Here are some tips from specialists. 

→ First, don't blame yourself for feeling anxious. It has been a hard time, so it might take a while for your brain to learn the new social codes. 

→ Try not to compare yourself. It's not because your friends are already feeling comfortable going to crowded places that you must feel that way. Each person has a different rhythm and way of looking at life.

→ Go slow. If you do not feel ready to go to a place with many people, try a coffee with just one friend. Then, little by little, increase your social interactions accordingly with your needs. 

→ Use the quality over quantity rule. After a year, we could recalibrate our relationships. Now we know who the party friends and the true ones are. And this is a good thing, right? Now you can ask yourself: do I need to say "yes" to every person, to every event? Would it be better to have a smaller number of experiences with a higher quality of exchange? There is no better time to ask these questions than now.

→ Seek professional help if you realize that you can feel stuck at home. You can find more information about different anxiety disorders (including Social Anxiety Disorder) in this link. 

Lastly, every time you feel anxious, try to celebrate the gift of being vaccinated. Believe me: this is still a privilege for few.

A book and a pigeon walk into a bar

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I couldn’t open the window in the first apartment I’ve lived in New York. Everyone close to me is tired of this sentence— not only them, I also wrote about it in my first poetry book that actually feels like a  published diary. Apart from all the good that comes with having your work out there, I can’t help but feel very weird and uncomfortable about people’s imageries of my life. I don’t regret sharing it to the world, but I would definitely do it slightly differently if I knew I was actually going to have readers. I’m not exactly sure how, in fact, I’m giving myself the opportunity to rethink all about it. It’s currently out of stock, and I’m working on the second edition, to make it “more me” even though what scares me the most is that it is already “so me.” Anyway, you can tell things are a bit confused here inside this mind. I  often think about the windows I couldn’t open and that tiny apartment only a couple of blocks from Central Park. Sometimes I imagine myself visiting eighteen-year-old me, trying to find the trick to a not-so-cold or not-so-hot shower, waking up to the noise of the eighty (not exaggerating, I actually counted them many times) pigeons that lived right outside my window. Which was obviously the reason why I couldn’t open any of them. The only time I did, one got inside, and I’m still traumatized. It took me a while to start writing about it and how much impact that apartment and what I’ve experienced there had in my life. I have realized that the same way I feel about my first book is how I feel about my first apartment. It’s like publishing “yoü (and all the other stuff hurting me too)” is that day I opened the window just to try, except this time it’s hundreds of pigeons flying around me and eating my belongings, my feelings, my little world. Except that I can’t call the super to fly it out of there because in my life, I’m ‘it’. I need to learn how to deal with the things I open for the need of fresh air, for expression, to keep breathing. I’ve been thinking.

Hearts Series: Memoir Of A Foreign Mind

The year was 1989, the TV was on a 1964 Christmas special with Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby. The foreign language hit her; she is enchanted with all the jazz. Later on, the movie on the TV is also about Christmas in a city filled with lights. Famous tall buildings and yellow cabs. Empire State of light. It is snowing lightly, and people are running through Times Square in heavy winter coats to buy last-minute holiday cards. In her hometown, there was no rush to buy holiday cards, nor the weather was so Nordic. She looked around and felt anywhere but home. She knew that, to become who she wanted to be, she would have to make a change. When she first moved to New York a couple of years ago, everything was exactly how she had expected it to be. The energy and the pace of the city that never sleeps got under her skin. She was in love, finally. For the first time in her life, she felt like she belonged. The foreign land has become home, whereas her actual homeland had always been foreign to her. The year now is 2021, away ahead in the future, neither she nor anyone would have imagined that a global pandemic would take place and that everybody, herself included, would have to rethink oldish concepts like home and purpose. 

New York is a city of foreigners. The food, the dreams, and the languages. Everything came here from elsewhere to find home, to find shelter and acceptance. Many will say New York is tough, it really is. In the midst of a pandemic, it is tougher. She managed, however, to get through this crisis and to reassure meaning in the city that embraced her in the early years of her intrepid endeavor. She decided then to celebrate the passage of this hard year by acknowledging a few things she has accomplished ever since. The pandemic is, obviously, far from over, but her spirit is rejuvenated. As if she had just moved into the arms of the Big Apple. Sometimes it is not about finding a motive, it is about creating it.

When life happens, it becomes really easy for our daily routines to overlap the big picture. The reality might not look like you have pictured in the past, but that doesn't mean you didn't get there. It only means that "there" has changed, which isn't necessarily bad, it just means life is in constant motion. The girl in our story sometimes thinks she might give up and that thought, somehow, saddened her until she realized how far she has come. The things we wish come true also change, and the sooner we accept that, the greater life gets. 

When I heard the expression "nature versus nurture" for the first time, I couldn't help but think that our foreign girl is me and that I am her. She represents all the metaphors of a foreigner's heart in their most meaningful journeys. Either to find new meaning or to fill a void, both foreign concepts to those who have chosen to take risks in life. Our foreign language is our home flag, and our accents aren't thick, they are simply strong. When we venture into a new language, we are also saying yes to a new adventure, in which we know we might not come out alive. At least, not as our old selves. 

“Mid-size” Shouldn’t Comfort You

There is a new standard in the market, and that is “mid-size”. People all over social media have been labeling themselves as a fit into this category that represents people who are too big to be skinny and not fat enough to be plus size. A relatively new term, there is no set in stone definition of what it represents but it is generally accepted that anyone who falls between a US size 6 to 14, is considered mid-size.

Why it works

Anushka Moore launched Mid-Size Collective on Instagram back in July 2018 as a way to connect mid-size women who struggle to see representation of their body type. Since then, the account has grown to over 40,000 followers, and inspired hundreds of content creators along the way.

The term mid-size has been adopted by both influencers and their audiences as it brings a sense of empowerment and inclusion to a group of women who have previously been set aside and neglected by the fashion industry. The term mid-size has also created a new space for women to share their journeys, expanding the conversation about body confidence.

While being mid-size comes with its own set of disadvantages, by the same token it is important to remember that it still has a wide set of privileges. Granted, we may not see our body type represented very often in the media, but ultimately, the mid-size section doesn't suffer as badly from the stigma plus size gals do either – the hate messages are slightly less aggressive, and the mid-size gals are not frequently told they must lose weight.

Why it doesn’t.

Mid-size people are beginning to see more representation on social media and in the mainstream media which is something to celebrate. Whilst it may not have been marginalized in the way fat bodies have been – it still has experienced an amount of stigmatization and exclusion.

Mid-size bodies are perceived as an in between. A body type that doesn’t have a place. So, why are we trying so hard to make it fit in?

Firstly, we should be happy with our bodies regardless of making it into the hierarchy. Secondly, if you think waving the “mid-size” flag grants you privileges, check yourself. Clothes still aren’t made for wide hips, hip dips, chubby arms, thick calves, big butts etc. 

Mid-size lacks representation in the fashion industry, but it’s way more welcomed than plus-size. Which makes us realize how it can negatively impact the Body Positive movement - it can turn into a disservice to people who are actually plus-size. Fashion loves to celebrate bodies like Iskra Lawrence for being ‘plus-size’ which completely detracts from the visibility of truly plus size people.

What sincerely bothers me is how the energy here seems to be misdirected. Some women claiming to be mid-size are still pretty thin and small, which is socially acceptable. It’s even a bit dangerous because many people with body dysmorphia might assume they’re mid-size when they’re actually skinny. Girls with a few extra pounds won’t consider themselves thin enough so that automatically goes to “mid-size”? This doesn’t sit well with me.

Drawing attention to mid-size means new criteria to make women try to fit in. It seems like we’re fighting for a place in the hierarchy when we should actually fight for no hierarchy whatsoever. We don’t need to find a label to be accepted socially. It seems like we’re trying to be inclusive when we’re actually segmenting even more.

Our final recommendation is – if you really feel like you need a label, be reasonable about it. Check your privilege, understand exactly where you are. Can you buy clothes in regular shops? Can you sit on a bus? Have you ever gotten stuck at the turnstile? Do people give you looks when you’re eating?

Remember to always support the ones around you who don’t get the same access as you. Celebrate your mid-size body but show your gratitude to the Body Positive folks because otherwise, you wouldn’t be so cheery. 

Do you still believe in Instagram happiness? Well, think again

I have a friend who is very active on social media. Upon noticing that her last post was in March, I was worried and messaged her. "Are you ok?". She replied: "I'm completely fine! I'm on a trip with a friend and took a break from Instagram."

It was such a relief to know that she was enjoying real life. At the same time, I was surprised at how I used Instagram as a kind of parameter of well-being. After all, to what extent do I believe in mere photos -  or the lack of them? 

I'm a curious researcher about the impact of social media on our mental health. At this point, I should not be deceived by what I see on my feed because I'm pretty conscious about the fact that posts are just a fraction of one's life. 

This seems even clearer when I think about countless acquaintances who are the  opposite of the friend I mentioned in the first paragraph. They are miserable and empty in real life but, on Instagram, all they share is joy, success, and namastê. 

Fake smiles

Researching the reasons that lead people to have a "persona" online, which does not always correspond to reality, I found this article. It brings an "experiment" proposed by the writer and podcast host Tracy Clayton in 2018, on Twitter.  

"I'm curious. If you're comfortable doing so, post a picture of you that you shared on social media where you were actually having a really tough time in life even though you look perfectly fine in the picture", she wrote. 

Several followers answered her with pictures of smiles, accompanied by captions that explain the context before the click. There are stories about financial problems, anxiety crises, panic attacks, breakups, eating disorders, chronic illness, postpartum depression, bullying, sexual assault, and even suicidal thoughts. 

I felt that those people were trying to escape reality through those fake smiles. It is worth checking the stories, just to confirm that we all have vulnerabilities. 

Fake perfect life 

I'm not suggesting that there is no truth on social media, or that everybody is superficial; nor that we should start to share misfortunes. I do believe that we can get some positive feelings from Instagram, Twitter, or TikTok. 

Photos of paradisiac places and happy moments could be a big source of inspiration. To see images of cute puppies could bring us a smile on a boring day, right? And what would become of us without the fun of social media? Humorous posts can be a sweet form of criticism and invite us to reflect. 

What matters, overall, is to be able to identify if your social media consumption is affecting your emotional status for good or bad, as researches show. 

Especially during the pandemic, when some people followed the social isolation, some not, some pictures could trigger comparison and rise symptoms of depression, loneliness, anxiety, and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).

So, have you tried to unfollow that friend who lives a fake life, and, instead, follow who inspires you in a good way? Have you tried to use these tools less passively, and more actively, to make true connections? 

When well-used, social media can bring us a sense of community, support, life satisfaction, and knowledge. 

So, forget about the "perfect life" that some people show there. And, more than that: if you miss a friend, call them, or send a private message. 

Don't rely on photos. Technology is wonderful, yes indeed, but the most meaningful things still occur in real life.

Back to reality

Here are some documentaries to help us to see social media more realistically. 

Fake Famous - 2021 (HBO) It shows how easy it is for a regular person to become a successful influencer, by buying followers and manipulating a fake life on Instagram. 

Fake Famous - 2021 (HBO)

It shows how easy it is for a regular person to become a successful influencer, by buying followers and manipulating a fake life on Instagram. 

The Social Dilemma - 2020 (Netflix)Explores the behavioral and mental impacts caused by social networks, based on interviews with experts and former big tech companies employees like Google, Facebook, and YouTube.

The Social Dilemma - 2020 (Netflix)

Explores the behavioral and mental impacts caused by social networks, based on interviews with experts and former big tech companies employees like Google, Facebook, and YouTube.

Social Animals - 2018 (Prime Video, Apple TV and others)Follows the high and lows of three young people who search for fame and acceptance through their online life exposure. 

Social Animals - 2018 (Prime Video, Apple TV and others)

Follows the high and lows of three young people who search for fame and acceptance through their online life exposure.