[Expectations]

Credit: We’re Not Really Strangers

I've always been good at creating expectations, from the silliest to the most complex.

From exam results to dialogues with high-school crushes. That kind of expectation that entangles with daydreaming and that eventually when it is broken down, it hurts. And with you, it couldn't have been different.

You showed up at the right time. I needed to feel desired, I needed a male figure to take my breath away even for a brief moment. And that was it. The two in a drunken moment, there was a sparkle, momentary chemistry. Unexpectedly, the moment of intimacy was good enough for that circumstance. You asked me if I would hate you on Monday, when we would meet again out of obligation. I, who had never been in such a situation, assumed that I would know how to be casual with a spontaneous "of course not!"

But Monday came, and I was still crushing hard on you. I wanted another round, but you were on your own. All week. On Saturday, I tried to express myself subtly, you dissembled. I understood and respected it because I have some dignity and know how to understand a “no” even between the lines. You said I treat you well, even though you're not an angel. (That litany of yours kills me. What the hell is that supposed to mean?). One more week passed by. I avoid your gaze. I avoid it because I'm still horny. And when I come across you, it gives me mixed feelings. I want to get closer, but not seem needy. This role has hurt me in the past. So, I walk away, however long it takes to get used to the idea. My thoughts betray me, my mind runs wild creating thousands of possible impossible situations.

Truth be told, your indifference hurt my pride badly. I wanted your desire, your effort. You've never deceived me or given false hope, but some signs were so dubious it was damaging. I wasn’t much into empowering literacy or body positive movement back then, so I was still extremely vulnerable towards my plus size figure, which immediately became the reason why he wasn’t interested in me. Was I not good in sex? Wait, he did like my kiss… Maybe I need to learn new moves? Ugh. The self-doubt, self-harming process of trying to figure out the “why” on my own was particularly harsh. 

After a while, we managed to talk about what happened, and I was sure of rejection (not that I didn't already know, of course). When you're not indifferent, you're even nice to me. Even thoughtful, I would say. But only when it suits you, unfortunately. With you, I discovered the feeling of being in the friend zone, although in many moments even friendship seemed to be a one-way street. And that's how I realized that my effort here is not worth it. I experienced this back in 2015, and it took me a year to get my sh*t together before I could close this chapter. Originally, I wrote I was thankful for everything, but looking back at it now, f*ck that. He was a total asshole. Didn’t even care about buying the day after pill. Ugh… Keep your standards high, people.

“Mid-size” Shouldn’t Comfort You

There is a new standard in the market, and that is “mid-size”. People all over social media have been labeling themselves as a fit into this category that represents people who are too big to be skinny and not fat enough to be plus size. A relatively new term, there is no set in stone definition of what it represents but it is generally accepted that anyone who falls between a US size 6 to 14, is considered mid-size.

Why it works

Anushka Moore launched Mid-Size Collective on Instagram back in July 2018 as a way to connect mid-size women who struggle to see representation of their body type. Since then, the account has grown to over 40,000 followers, and inspired hundreds of content creators along the way.

The term mid-size has been adopted by both influencers and their audiences as it brings a sense of empowerment and inclusion to a group of women who have previously been set aside and neglected by the fashion industry. The term mid-size has also created a new space for women to share their journeys, expanding the conversation about body confidence.

While being mid-size comes with its own set of disadvantages, by the same token it is important to remember that it still has a wide set of privileges. Granted, we may not see our body type represented very often in the media, but ultimately, the mid-size section doesn't suffer as badly from the stigma plus size gals do either – the hate messages are slightly less aggressive, and the mid-size gals are not frequently told they must lose weight.

Why it doesn’t.

Mid-size people are beginning to see more representation on social media and in the mainstream media which is something to celebrate. Whilst it may not have been marginalized in the way fat bodies have been – it still has experienced an amount of stigmatization and exclusion.

Mid-size bodies are perceived as an in between. A body type that doesn’t have a place. So, why are we trying so hard to make it fit in?

Firstly, we should be happy with our bodies regardless of making it into the hierarchy. Secondly, if you think waving the “mid-size” flag grants you privileges, check yourself. Clothes still aren’t made for wide hips, hip dips, chubby arms, thick calves, big butts etc. 

Mid-size lacks representation in the fashion industry, but it’s way more welcomed than plus-size. Which makes us realize how it can negatively impact the Body Positive movement - it can turn into a disservice to people who are actually plus-size. Fashion loves to celebrate bodies like Iskra Lawrence for being ‘plus-size’ which completely detracts from the visibility of truly plus size people.

What sincerely bothers me is how the energy here seems to be misdirected. Some women claiming to be mid-size are still pretty thin and small, which is socially acceptable. It’s even a bit dangerous because many people with body dysmorphia might assume they’re mid-size when they’re actually skinny. Girls with a few extra pounds won’t consider themselves thin enough so that automatically goes to “mid-size”? This doesn’t sit well with me.

Drawing attention to mid-size means new criteria to make women try to fit in. It seems like we’re fighting for a place in the hierarchy when we should actually fight for no hierarchy whatsoever. We don’t need to find a label to be accepted socially. It seems like we’re trying to be inclusive when we’re actually segmenting even more.

Our final recommendation is – if you really feel like you need a label, be reasonable about it. Check your privilege, understand exactly where you are. Can you buy clothes in regular shops? Can you sit on a bus? Have you ever gotten stuck at the turnstile? Do people give you looks when you’re eating?

Remember to always support the ones around you who don’t get the same access as you. Celebrate your mid-size body but show your gratitude to the Body Positive folks because otherwise, you wouldn’t be so cheery. 

How I Misinterpreted Body Positivity

Have you ever hidden behind a social movement flag to run from reality? Yes, I have. I did it for a while, actually.

Precisely, between 2015 and 2018, before I had bariatric surgery (you can read more about it here). I was nurturing self-esteem based on cute outfits that made me feel empowered and sexy - and people not only noticed it, but admired me for it. On the inside, I was struggling with imposter syndrome - I was NOT confident like the Body Positivity movement preached, I wasn’t happy with my figure, but I thought I needed to fake it ‘till I made it since that was my reality. Truth be told, I was conforming myself with that fat body because I was too far into the scale, and it seemed too hard to get back on track… So I might as well embrace it.

The Body Positivity movement calls for the acceptance of all shapes and sizes, ending the culture of fat-shaming and discrimination against people based upon their size and body weight. It’s about accepting yourself and learning how to embrace your uniqueness versus the insecurities society gave you. For example, you can accept and should love your small boobs regardless of society telling you to get them big and perky. You don’t have to fit into a size 6 ‘cause of fashion moguls if your frame is naturally bigger and more welcoming to a size 8 or 10. You get the picture, right?

Like any social movement, eventually, people can become extremists about its cause. We saw that happening with the backlash Ashley Graham received when she lost a few pounds and suddenly was taken as a traitor of the movement. Same with Adele, who allegedly became a “sold out to diet culture.” Sometimes I see Tik Tok videos with girls telling their weight loss journey and people angrily comment “stop it, you don’t need to lose more weight!” This makes me terrified and a bit angry - since when Body Positivity means not being able to lose weight? Especially knowing obesity is a health issue that increases the risks of diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, musculoskeletal disorders, sleep apnea, and even cancer. We can accept the body we’re in at any given moment, but that doesn’t mean conforming to what could harm us in the long run.

I knew exactly how I got to 262lbs, and I was judgmental about it. Honestly, like all other dualities in my life, this was another paradox. I was extremely critical about my looks and eating behavior while trying to raise my self-esteem based on shifting sand. If Body Positivity is about self-acceptance, I was not delivering it - I was creating more tension instead. By then, I realized how badly my sleep apnea was affecting me, my feet and knee joints hurt from walking, I had new stretch marks and painful cellulitis… Things were getting way too out of control for a 28-year-old. It was time to realize there was no positivity in all that. My conformity was leading to a comorbidity. 

What took me a while to get was that Body Positivity never meant the conformity I was living in. It also doesn’t mean you *have* to love your body - you just have to appreciate and accept it as it is in that given moment. I can accept my obese body for how far it got me, but I couldn’t be passive about it anymore. It wasn’t healthy. Letting go of myself because I had a big movement to “cover my back” was not the long-term solution. I needed to be held accountable. So, I consulted with my primary doctor, went back to therapy, and started my bariatric surgery process.

This is Body Positivity; embracing body diversity and appreciation of where you stand despite society trying so hard to profit from our insecurities (thanks for the eye-opening call, Mrs. Wolff.) Now, the turning point is: if your health is at risk - you shouldn’t conform to it like I did. But also, if it makes you uncomfortable, it isn’t meant to be accepted. It might be a good moment to take a look inside and consider finding help. 

We need to give loving attention to our body and minds. To learn to differentiate what is a real insecurity versus what we learned to consider as one. Being mindful about finding balance in our lifestyle. To be guided by love and not hatred for our bodies. Balance to be able to workout for joy and endorphin, not becoming obsessed or take it as an obligation. To be able to make healthy choices without counting calories. To see worth in yourself without comparing your body and journey to the influencers. More importantly, being able to distinguish what is an unrealistic standard and something you can accomplish within your body type range.

You can read The Beauty Myth and still want to have a tummy tuck if it really bothers you. Body Positivity is about acceptance, remember? The bottom line is, if you’re really uncomfortable about your body, you can try working around it with the support of multidisciplinary help. It might be therapy, a dietitian, a personal trainer, or maybe supportive friends, a Facebook group, or a ClubHouse chatroom. Anything that provides you real support. 

If you want, reach out to me, I’m a great listener! We are in this together. 

Don’t let anyone minimize your uncomfortableness because you should “accept yourself” or because “you look beautiful.” You’re not “meant to” be any way if that bothers you in the bottom of your heart. Don’t let Body Positivity become a pressure on you, it doesn’t dictate your worthiness or how empowered you are.

The Detox Scam

Before we start, let’s briefly recap 2020?
We stayed at home, we included a mask in our OOTD, we were anxious, a lot of us spent months alone, quarantined with their feelings and fears of the unknown as we were learning about COVID-19. While a few of us made healthy choices, joined Chloe Thing workout challenge, started practicing Yoga, or kept on their regular workout routine via video call… A lot of us couldn’t care less for healthy choices when you could just pop a bottle of wine on a daily basis and blame it on work from home insanity. Granted - WFH has been a maddening experience and I do not judge anyone who drank more than their average last year. 

Flashforward to the Holidays Season, we wrap up a mentally exhausting year with events that naturally require a feast and a lot of drinks too. That leads us to the infamous guilty feeling of overindulging. Oh, the regret! Wait, did someone say “vaccine”? Are things coming back to “””normal”””? Are we going to be out again? How could someone possibly erase months of gastronomical orgy inside of me so I can start 2021 clean?

That’s the queue for our main character, the Detox! 

It is the ideal super hero/douchebag kind of character. 

It comes, makes you feel great at first place, then drops off and leaves you confused af like “where did I go wrong?”

The idea that you can flush your system of unhealthy choices and leave your organs squeaky clean is absolutely tempting and yet absurd. But I am not obviously going to bash “the Detox” without having a knowledgeable back up because I really want this article to bring information about this matter according to professionals in the Food & Nutrition field. 

Amanda De Santi is a Nutritionist graduated from PUC, Brazil, with a Master in Food Service from LaGuardia Community College, US. When I asked her opinion about it, she explained how the concept of “detox” is misleading: “if a person is 'intoxicated' they will need an emergency room with doctors and nurses and not a juice. I will never understand why one day someone decided to name a 'detox' cleanse.”

Exactly. If you splurged with alcohol, or things that usually make you feel bad like cheese when you’re lactose intolerant, or sugar when you have diabetes… A juice, or soup, claiming to “clean you” won’t be your savior. You need to refrain from what makes you feel bad digestively speaking - the fact you’re not consuming them, it's enough detox. “Our bodies have kidneys and a liver that are detoxifying as we speak, you don’t need a juice or a special soup for it,” Amanda adds. See? Nonsense.

She also highlights that having juice for a meal isn’t a smart choice either. “Now starting from the context that drinking a juice with a lot of beaten and strained fruit is "good" or "healthier" is also a mistake. Because after all, fruits carry a lot of natural sugar. So a detox juice is adding a bunch of fruit and vegetables and its sugars, removing the skins along with the fibers when this juice is strained. And in some cases of packaged Detox juices, not so beneficial sweeteners might be added. By the end of the day, you’re not making a healthier choice.”

Bottomline, my dear readers. If you splurged, had the best drinks, finished a crate of wine, the best sweets, the Levain cookies, all the nachos with extra cheese, all the weird TikTok recipes… (the list can go on forever) and now wants to tone down a bit, go for it. But do it smart. Include less of the refined sugary items, less artificially conserved options, less alcohol; go with more unsaturated fat, fiber, starches, real veggies and real protein sources, eat your fruits and drink more water! 

Let 2021 be a time to heal your relationship with food. What we put inside us needs to be the fuel for our body. Feeding ourselves is a thoughtful act of love. Choose wisely, learn how to listen to your body when it tells you something doesn’t sit right. Question the “default” behavior you incorporated last year if it bothers you right now. But please, don’t act aggressively towards your body, trying to clean it from overindulging. Take a moment to sit back, go over your behavior (sometimes the help of a therapist is needed) and see why you let that happen. All things considered, 2020 drove a lot of emotional eating because we didn’t understand and couldn’t control our surroundings - and that is perfectly fine! But we all need to acknowledge it so we can fight back and reclaim the control of our eating and drinking habits.

Remember - you didn’t go off track in a day and getting back on it won’t work over your 3-days-detox. As a marketing professional, I’m telling you. It’s a marketing scam, another way of tricking us into restrictive behaviors that can’t be maintained in the long term and can most likely backlash. If you think about it, it’s also another way of trapping us into aggressively trying to reach an immaculate body shape most of us can’t achieve without several others procedures. Please, don’t fool yourself into thinking reeducating your eating habits is fast. It’s a goddamn process. Stay focused, stay healthy, and most importantly, eat real food. And please stay hydrated!

The Fat Consciousness | Redemption

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness talks! Last we met, I told you how my relationship with people had been. Before that, I opened my heart about how I grew up into an insecure human being. I briefly spoke about gaining and losing weight and I’m sure that this sparks curiosity. People always want to know what was the secret element that helped someone miraculously lose weight. As if we’re not tired of knowing the key is calorie deficit. 

Since I can remember, I heard people limiting or censuring my servings, or the quality of what I was eating. Honestly, not “people” in general, it was mainly my parents and it was a very dual way where I had a big offer but had to find discipline and eat a little bit. This process helped “villainize” certain foods in my life - as I’m sure it happens in most people’s lives. Bread, chocolate, fried food, cake, cookies, ice cream… BAD BAD BAD! Like Voldemort, Evil Queen or Hades. Whichever reference suits you better.

By putting so much pressure under certain food groups, I grew up craving them the most. Because, you know - we desire what we can’t have. And if we don’t have good reasons to avoid it, we don’t understand WHY we can’t have them. Also, you might remember I mentioned food was a reward at home, so the emotional attachment I had to eating was aggravating my situation.

I had a journey of ups and downs - when I lost weight I would be extremely controlling of my intake and very active in the gym. These moments of full control were when I truly felt on top of my skinny happiness, being a (not that) skinny ass shark. My habits then used to be a bit too radical, and therefore, not maintainable in the long run (but I couldn’t see that).

Eventually life happened and I couldn’t keep up with the control. As a pleaser, I tend not to prioritize myself. I slowly would give up on me, making exceptions to eat unhealthy, skipping the gym. Suddenly the exceptions would become the norm and I was far from being a shark, becoming more like a scary fish lost in a sea of guilt.

So what was my “secret”, flipping the switch to a healthier lifestyle? 
Well, I hit rock bottom. The lowest one possible (for my standard).

Between 2015 to 2018 I went from 180lbs to 262lbs. I was eating anything, anytime. I was working unhealthy hours at a very toxic work environment where I was trying to give my all for things I didn’t even understand (aka me, a Public Relations, acting as Bookkeeper). I was tense all the time, I was basically working 6 days per week + daily overtime. Needless to say I barely dated back then because I truly thought I had no time. I was swallowed by work.

A friend told me she was going to have bariatric surgery. My immediate reaction was “that sounds extreme, you can lose weight without it.” More than that, I thought to myself… I lost weight before with Weight Watchers, I can do it again. I don’t need surgery. Well it all changed a few months later when I noticed my breath would cut off during the nights, making me wake up several times and I started feeling a lot of pain in my feet to just simply walk (‘cause I wasn’t working out, anyways.) I was getting sick to my stomach with a lot of different foods and eventually felt chest pain that was very scary and also triggering.

I was just 28 years old. I shouldn’t be feeling so bad.

So I went to my primary doctor and she recommended I pursued the bariatric surgery process. At the same time that it was great to find a “solution,” it was a bit frightening to admit I went that far into losing myself. The main reason why I came to terms with the weight loss surgery was because it would quickly relieve the physical symptoms my obesity was causing me. It was also a chance to “reset” my stomach and my eating habits - after all you eat like a baby in the beginning. 

I want to make two two things clear here: Being skinny was never my goal, I love being thick and curvy, so I opted for a surgery that wouldn’t take me to an extreme. I am very happy with my outcome; Secondly, I had a therapist approve me for surgery and did therapy from the day I came back home from the hospital.

Surgery for me had “souvenirs,” so I can’t eat carbs without having heartburn. Red meat is harder to digest and does not always sit well in my stomach. Sweets cause me to dump (basically they don’t last in my body, they’re expelled pretty quickly).

Do I regret surgery? Absolutely not.
Do I recommend it to others? Absolutely not - unless I know you and your story with weight loss - otherwise it would be extremely irresponsible of me. The only person who can recommend such a thing is your doctor.

Having the opportunity to reintroduce food slowly into my diet allowed me to reeducate my palate. Learn what suits me better, what sits more comfortably in my new stomach. What gives me satiety and what disturbs my digestion. Understanding and respecting my serving and limits, eating consciously to nourish my body.

Obviously, after 2 years of surgery, I had few of my triggering foods like most candy I used to eat before. They honestly don’t give me the same pleasure. Fried food bothers my stomach too. I became more critical about everything. 

Before, I couldn’t understand exactly WHY I should avoid certain food groups. Now, I get it. I still don’t see food as villains because this still makes no sense. I try to understand the reason behind my cravings. In my case, they’re mainly psychological and they don’t need to be satisfied every single time. I had moments when I let my anxiety take over and opted to have a few too many Milano cookies. Spoiler: they never paid off.

The surgery made me more intimate with my own body. I learned how to hear it so I can take better care of it. Food has now the main purpose of nourishing, giving me the nutrients and vitamins I need to perform. I still love eating just as much as I used to before surgery. It’s a matter of priorities now. There is no point in having a bagel if I’m going to feel like a dragon right after spitting fire because of so much heartburn. And I’m 100% okay with it because I feel great without it.

Through my journey as a bariatric, I’ve learned how my mind is important to keep my body strong. The power will always lay in my mind. I chose to follow my diet, and I chose when I want to have a sweet. I understand the power of exceptions, but I know what is meant to be my rule. Now, I know how to take care of my body and respect it. I’m conscious about every single bite or sip I take. And that is because I want the best for me, inside out. I’m at my best moment. I know my limits and I honor my body. I take it to the gym, I feed it with good food, I dress it nicely. Because I am a curvy a*s shark in constant learning but always, always loving myself.

Disclosure: this post is not meant to serve as medical nor diet advice in any way.

The Fat Consciousness | Exposed

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness Series! Previously on this show, we learned how interesting my childhood was, and how it helped me grow into an insecure human being. Assuming we’re on the same page, by now you've got how doubtful I grew up to be, kinda feeling good about my looks and personality, but never accepting I could be happy as a fat girl. 

When you grow up being fat and not confident enough, odds are you might slide into the “supporting role” character. There are always going to be the skinny friends who get more attention, are sassier and cooler. 

I was the funny, goofy, always there for you, keeping the tone down, never saying “no” type of friend. I’ve always been a pleaser, and I wonder if I would have been different had I been skinny instead of fat. I sucked at flirting. I was always anxious about social situations where there would be cute boys. Always thinking about how I can act in an attractive way while being “proper” for my agenda aka being fat. I was usually left with the awkward kid from the male group (if lucky.) 

Wait, go back a second… did I say proper? 

Yes. I thought I needed to always keep it cool because duh - I was fat. As if it would balance out. (As if I needed to balance anything out.)  

Now imagine my mind when I met fat boys or girls full of confidence, overflowing power. I would freeze and my mind immediately got the “blue error screen!” WHAT IS GOING ON? How did you learn that? I don’t know how to be like that. It was like another duality - this one I can better explain using something I’ve heard - you either bleed in the shark tank or you are the shark. I sure as hell wasn’t a shark in the love scene. 

I kept on telling myself I was happy despite my body and lack of romantic engagements. That it would get better when I lost weight. That lasted pretty much up until my college years arrived. That was when I had my sexual wake up call. I was living it up - party, drinks, boys. I was finally faced with a side of me I didn’t know. While I was learning how to take advantage of my own features (like having a nice pair of boobs), I had no idea of how to manage my self-esteem or process my sexual being.  

This was a very doubtful moment and yet a very empowering one. I was discovering new things, yet my insecurity was also growing stronger along with a fear of rejection because I wasn’t skinny. College years just brought to surface a weird thread from my social life -  the “supporting role” I mentioned before. It’s like I didn’t pick, I was picked - and by people I wouldn’t want to kiss, but I’d give in because I really wanted to be kissed. It was a very passive way of living. I finally had a moment of ownership when… I lost weight in 2009. I lost a lot of weight, like 35kgs (over 70 lbs). I was finally seeing myself as an almost skinny person. I got the body I wanted, the boy I wanted, a crazy amount of attention. I was finally the main character shark-ing around!

While the relationship was over within a year, the “skinny high” sure wasn’t! And I indulged in it until I started gaining weight again. Suddenly, the fat consciousness thoughts took over my mind, holding back my newly found expression. But then I lost weight and “skinny high” was back up. As you might imagine, one’s self-esteem fluctuates all the time. So even when I was at my lowest weight, I would still be vulnerable into thinking I wasn’t pretty enough or that I still looked too fat.

I hit my highest weight in 2018 and this journey legit blew my mind. I was living in New York, where people were less judgmental than in Sao Paulo. This made me feel more confident to wear what I wanted, but on the inside I was a goddamn chicken living in fear of rejection and barely putting myself in “risky situations” (and by that I mean regular dates.) Basically, in a place nobody gave 2 fu*ks about my body, I was the most harsh on myself instead of living the freedom I’ve always wanted!

See, I acknowledge losing weight impacts my self-esteem directly and I struggle accepting this. I wish it wouldn’t fluctuate as much. But I have my own beauty standard (which isn’t skinny, it’s Marylin Monroe like) and I do feel very uncomfortable when too far from it. It just doesn’t feel like myself and I can’t help it.

I am now down 45kgs (we will talk about this in my next article). Dating is hard thanks to COVID-19, but at least now I found myself again. Working on your self-esteem is a daily effort, sometimes you’re just not feeling it and that is okay. I feel pretty and sexy but also very conscious I’m not either skinny or extremely fat & that now I have loose skin too. The fear of rejection is still present, but now I don’t blame myself or my body for it - I’m at my very best and if my partner can’t deal with it, that is his loss and my blessing ‘cause that isn’t the energy I need.

My foundation didn’t teach me how to be tough. I’m learning as I go with help of therapy and some kicks in the head life gives me. A piece of advice? The freedom you get when you own your narrative, when you ditch the “supporting role,” is mind-blowing. And guess what? Your body doesn’t dictate your ownership. Your mind does. You got to stop comparing yourself to others. You can’t hold your happy ending for a future you that might not even be worth it. You can’t live on the sidewalk, in the shadows of who you are expected to be. All the time I spent thinking I needed to act properly, tone down so I wouldn’t get too much attention… This is wasted time and energy I should have invested in who I am and my true expression. 

Remember, don’t be the one bleeding in the shark tank. Be the goddamn shark!

The Fat Consciousness | Awakening

I can’t complain about my childhood. Being an only child has its perks, and even though it isn’t all flowers, I acknowledge my privilege. I was a very picky eater, I ate very little when I was a child. My parents then realized I responded well with sweets in general, and from that point on, my weight derailed. I sincerely don’t remember being bullied - I sometimes was called silly names like “whale”, which I never really cared about. 

In school I was always the fat friend. Paired with the fat boy ‘cause that seemed “proper” as we were “alike.” I remember seeing my school BFF weighing 25 kilograms while I was 42. Back then I couldn’t understand exactly what was going on. But according to my parents, the plan was clear: when I grow taller, the weight would balance out, I just shouldn’t gain anymore. Needless to say I gained more as I stretched out.

My trauma with my weight didn’t come from school. It came from home instead. When my parents were with my school friend’s parents, I would always hear “oh, she already lost a couple kilograms, she will soon be like Vanessa, skinny too!” Those words always carried a weird sense of relief. I wasn’t doing much to lose weight, but still I had it done? Wow! I was getting somewhere, I guess. 

Then the awkward moments came. Nope, this t-shirt is too tight - better loosen up because THEN nobody is going to know how my body looks like underneath. As if my face didn’t look round enough or my fingers weren’t chubby enough to giveaway the fact I was growing up as an obese child. I recall my parents calling me beautiful, praising me as the great daughter I was. I was an easy kid, shy, polite, dedicated to studies. I loved to dance, to play, sing along with the Spice Girls. But I can’t say I was ever encouraged to be confident as a fat kid. I had a good waist, potentially a great figure, but my skinny friend was happier because she had less weight on her knees. I had a beautiful, remarkable face, but skinny girls would find partners more easily, they were more prone to being successful in life because of their whole figure. The duality by which I was treated woke the fat consciousness in me and it has always haunted me, making me vulnerable and insecure. More than that, it made me doubtful. Which I honestly think it’s worse, because it made me struggle internally between embracing my body and hating it and second guessing my worthiness. 

Growing up, I was always learning about a new diet, in a never ending quest to unlock “skinny happiness.” I was always listening to my already skinny friends trying to lose 1 or 2 kilograms, and I was so far from their reality… It never seemed tangible for me to reach them. “It’s easy, just watch what you’re eating.” Well. At home, the offer for food was endless. Nobody was really being strict about creating great eating habits and if you recall, I am an only child. And yes, I was spoiled. I wanted it, I got it. And that was heavy (pun intended) on the sweets. So now we have the second duality my mind had to go through. I had to lose weight, but I was eating unhealthy food at home. Even worse, food was a reward at home, so the emotional appeal it had was impactful to how I dealt with it. 

At 11 years old, my parents decided it was a good moment to join Weight Watchers. I was very obese, like a Botero character. My mom, who also struggled with weight, joined WW with me. I somehow saw it more like a game (at times even like a competition with my mom!) rather than an actual lifetime change. I learned how to swim and first tasted the “skinny happiness”, which led to momentarily “skinny glory” moments like fitting clothes that were actually proper for my age. But it somehow never felt it was enough. The doubtful thoughts would come rushing as in “is this it?” or “does that kid like me or is he joking?” I wasn’t enough. There were always more kilograms to lose. There was no finish line. Then what was the point of pursuing happiness if I couldn’t see the end of the road? More than that, I thought I was happy being fat and eating what I liked. So why was I raised to feel so contradictory about my body and self?

Because society praises beauty standards, and people want to fit in. It is easier when you fit in rather than when you stand up. I now get why my parents would be concerned. But they could have raised me to be confident in my own skin, teaching what the standard was and pointing out our differences rather than giving me mixed signals. Leading me to lose weight because I should be healthy, made better food choices and have mobility like the other kids in school. So parents and caregivers, please beware and don’t replicate this duality I’ve experienced. Your judgment can impact how a naive mind perceives their sense of worthiness. Nothing wrong in not wanting your child to be fat, but implying they need to be skinny to achieve greatness or happiness is not only misleading, but potentially harmful. Being fat doesn’t mean anything other than having extra weight on your body. And your worth is way too valuable to be measured by your body size.