[Expectations]

Credit: We’re Not Really Strangers

I've always been good at creating expectations, from the silliest to the most complex.

From exam results to dialogues with high-school crushes. That kind of expectation that entangles with daydreaming and that eventually when it is broken down, it hurts. And with you, it couldn't have been different.

You showed up at the right time. I needed to feel desired, I needed a male figure to take my breath away even for a brief moment. And that was it. The two in a drunken moment, there was a sparkle, momentary chemistry. Unexpectedly, the moment of intimacy was good enough for that circumstance. You asked me if I would hate you on Monday, when we would meet again out of obligation. I, who had never been in such a situation, assumed that I would know how to be casual with a spontaneous "of course not!"

But Monday came, and I was still crushing hard on you. I wanted another round, but you were on your own. All week. On Saturday, I tried to express myself subtly, you dissembled. I understood and respected it because I have some dignity and know how to understand a “no” even between the lines. You said I treat you well, even though you're not an angel. (That litany of yours kills me. What the hell is that supposed to mean?). One more week passed by. I avoid your gaze. I avoid it because I'm still horny. And when I come across you, it gives me mixed feelings. I want to get closer, but not seem needy. This role has hurt me in the past. So, I walk away, however long it takes to get used to the idea. My thoughts betray me, my mind runs wild creating thousands of possible impossible situations.

Truth be told, your indifference hurt my pride badly. I wanted your desire, your effort. You've never deceived me or given false hope, but some signs were so dubious it was damaging. I wasn’t much into empowering literacy or body positive movement back then, so I was still extremely vulnerable towards my plus size figure, which immediately became the reason why he wasn’t interested in me. Was I not good in sex? Wait, he did like my kiss… Maybe I need to learn new moves? Ugh. The self-doubt, self-harming process of trying to figure out the “why” on my own was particularly harsh. 

After a while, we managed to talk about what happened, and I was sure of rejection (not that I didn't already know, of course). When you're not indifferent, you're even nice to me. Even thoughtful, I would say. But only when it suits you, unfortunately. With you, I discovered the feeling of being in the friend zone, although in many moments even friendship seemed to be a one-way street. And that's how I realized that my effort here is not worth it. I experienced this back in 2015, and it took me a year to get my sh*t together before I could close this chapter. Originally, I wrote I was thankful for everything, but looking back at it now, f*ck that. He was a total asshole. Didn’t even care about buying the day after pill. Ugh… Keep your standards high, people.