Hammock in the park
I started to run. And this isn’t fiction. Everything in this column is based on real facts or almost that. But mainly that. But with a little drama to spice it up. But, because I’m Brazilian, and at this point you know that. So, you know as well that I’m pushing the story for no reason, but maybe -just maybe- because I’m ashamed of being healthy. I KNOW!!!!! OK!!!!!! I am. Enough with the buts. Not with the butts -please God, understand this if you’re reading out loud I have absolutely no emotional stability to lose my already-little butt. You see I grew up emo. I was an only-wear-black teenager. Cried to Simple Plan. Welcomed people into my life in tears. Didn’t care about having a butt: I wore low-rise jeans. With a belt. And now I’m running. Worse: in the morning. I became what I feared the most, which is the person who is making bad sugar-free coffee in leggings. I don’t really know how this happened and don’t have ways to defend myself. I’ve been trying to keep sadness alive while putting ice on my potato of the leg (that’s howwe say calf in Portuguese) playing Green Day on my ears. Talking about green days, I didn’t quit smoking. That’d be suicide. Being healthy’s got limits. I can assure you that running in New York City is an experience beyond what one expects. Every day. Funny to see the weird life and animals and people passing by in a blur. Shaky buildings. Funny how I sometimes think the city was supposed to be seen like this. The other day I was running in the park and saw people hanging hammocks between trees. I remember slowing down. I thought this was a better shaky and blurry way to see our surroundings. I might be getting a hammock. Sounds emo but make it outdoor-ish. That’s my big new conundrum. I’m running out of ideas to stop myself from running. Got it? Running out— ok. Let me stop the bad jokes. The new me hopes you’ll be finding this month’s chronicle well. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that bad e-mail from your boss you read and think “this is unreal.” I’ll give you a couple of days. Thirty to be more specific. See you then.
Give Your Brain a Break With a New Hobby
At the beginning of the pandemic, my Instagram feed showed two kinds of people: the hard workers and the enthusiasts.
The former was trying to use 100% of the time productively, doing online courses, joining Zoom debates, launching new projects or podcasts.
The latter was waging new abilities, such as artisanal bread, new yoga movements, or Tik Tok challenges.
One year has passed, and all that I can see today are puzzles. Every time I open my Instagram, they are there. Would puzzles be the new artisan bread? Could having a hobby be trendy?
This finding has no scientific basis - it comes from a mere observation of the behavior of the people I follow. Studying about the importance of hobbies to our mental health though, I believe that it makes sense.
After more than a year at home, we are exhausted. All that we need is small pleasures, and hobbies are all about fun. It's something that you do with no rush, no obligations, no perfectionism. The only goal is to clear your thoughts.
I never thought that I would be patient to assemble a puzzle. But I finally resumed the 1000 Beatles pieces that were dusty on top of the shelf and was stunned by the calming effect that this activity gave me. And, for this, there is a scientific basis.
How hobbies work in our brain
In an article published on The Conversation website, Dr. Ciara McCabe, an Associate Professor of Neuroscience in the Department of Psychology of the University of Reading, Berkshire, UK, explains how hobbies benefit our mental health.
When we engage in an enjoyable activity, the brain releases neurotransmitters that bring a sensation of pleasure, such as dopamine, and the reward system is activated. That's why we feel motivated to do more of it (as when we eat a piece of chocolate).
Why having a hobby is good for you
Health experts have already identified a hundred benefits brought by hobbies. Studies show that they may increase our well-being, improve our mood and reduce depression and stress symptoms.
They are also a good tool against anxiety. Let's come back to the puzzle as an example. While you are trying to find the next match, there's no room in your mind to think about the fight you had with your boss; or with a decision that you have to take next week.
Voilá: hobbies bring you to the present.
Plus, they are an excellent way to take your brain out of "automatic mode" because they arouse new neural connections and feed your creativity.
It is no wonder that studies associate hobbies with longevity and less risk of dementia in late life.
And if you are feeling lonely, there's one more reason to find a hobby - it could bring you new friends with interests in common.
How to find a hobby?
I have read many tips about finding a hobby, but I don't believe in formulas. The idea that I like the most is: try to find your inner child. What did you like to do during childhood that adulthood took from you? Think about that.
The most important thing is that you have to focus on pleasure, so try not to be so hard on yourself. I have some suggestions if you are running out of ideas.
Artistic
If you want to learn how to play an instrument, it's time! Beyond amusing, it could improve your memory.
Not your thing? Don't worry. You can try exploring other artistic gifts, such as painting watercolor, taking pictures, drawing, making clay sculptures, etc. Recreational arts are great friends of our well-being.
Mental
Beyond puzzles, you can try Lego, chess, or domino. If you don't like games, you can use your intellectual side to write, which is an excellent way to understand your feelings better.
Another option is reading. Overall, books are always a good company. If you don't have the motivation to engage in reading by yourself, join a book club and have fun!
Manual
There are many manual activities at home suitable to clear your mind, like woodwork, fixing, or building things. Handcrafts, in general, are pretty relaxing, so give a try to crochet, knitting, sewing, candle or jewelry making, etc.
Gardening is another notable trend during quarantine - I believe that people are craving a little of nature contact. In addition to beautifying your home, taking care of plants helps to alleviate depression and anxiety symptoms. Green heals!
Finally, we cannot forget the kitchen, that place in the house that can be genuinely therapeutic. So cook! Bake! Try to make your own artisan bread. Your mind will thank you, and so your stomach.
Physical
If you are a movement person, you can engage in a new physical activity, a proven natural medicine for our mental health. Maybe you can try yoga, ballet, or stretching. During quarantine, many gyms are making classes available online.
Still in doubt?
As strange as it may seem, it's not always easy to find a hobby. It's hard to find out what to do with our free time in a world that presses us to be productive like machines.
It turned out that we taught our brains that every activity needs a reason and has to bring some result. But it's important to remember that pleasure is "the" result because it's crucial to our emotional balance.
So, every time that your brain asks you the "why" of your hobby, answer: "it's for your own sake"!".
Bench thoughts and a piece of cake
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I so-very-promised myself I wouldn’t write about it. I didn’t want to sound redundant or empty or cheesy. But some thoughts grow stronger than me every morning when I see Brooklyn blossoming cold. Every time I arrive in Manhattan to dance with the sun kissing every single person wearing a mask correctly. The truth is, it was only when New Yorkers’ faces were covered that I realized they actually smile. I mean, we do. Because I’m part of this. It feels good. Even when New York is an everyday appointment you can’t miss. It feels good. Now more than ever: I’m fully vaccinated sitting on a bench and watching urban life finds its way into a country-side hug. With a smile on my face underneath a two thousand and twenty fashion. Happy against the wind but immediately worried as the trees are not going to protect me from having a sunburn on half my face. I know we are supposed to wear sunscreen all year long, but aren’t we all over it, and over the fact we will never do this? How bad can my face look and who’s going to see it. That’s some heavy depressive shit. Well, I’m murmuring to myself about something way more serious in between some sips of bad coffee: where are our fellows free hugs employers in Union Square? The universe’s answer is my burned tongue. It hurts even more when it’s an americano. I get my phone and the screen is full of notifications saying the same thing: New York has finally legalized marijuana!!!! And my friends are immediately thinking of me. I wonder what type of reputation I built. Not that I care. After all, I’m fully vaccinated sitting on a bench and watching urban life find its new way out. Yay. Not really. Because scrolling down social media when you’re Brazilian it's a whole other level of pain. I knew the risks of ruining my day when I picked up the phone. So as much as I feel part of this coming-back-journey it’s not the first time I see life after death. I’m an immigrant. I die every time my burned tongue rolls differently to find my place out there. I die every time I sneeze in protest against the horrible flowers they have in the Upper East Side. I see life every time I get home, and it smells like it is indeed home. I see life after my tongue enrolls smoothly in another culture’s mouth. I see life after someone says “saúde” instead of “bless you” when I sneeze. You see, it’s amazing to touch hope. I thank the signs around the city. These little-big things do make me happy, don’t get me wrong. Thumbs up for New Yorkers, plus we can do this, etc. But my wound is way deeper. I feel like my heart squeezes the same way I do with my legs in the movie theater so people can pass by, every time I ask myself where the fuck is the life after death where I come from. When is my country going to be kissed by the sun? I feel eternally divided, as if my life is the result of a fight between two brothers for the last piece of their grandma’s cake. Except that the cake will dramatically fall on the floor and no one will get to enjoy it. All that because, there is no such thing as celebration of the new normal for those whose hearts belong in two places at once. And I have no idea how to finish this, but I should probably take a walk. I’ve been sitting for a long time.
Heart Series: Ariel Henley - A Face for Picasso
In this month's issue of our beloved Heart Series, we interviewed Ariel Henley –the author of A Face for Picasso. A book that narrates the story of the author and her twin sister and their lives with Crouzon Syndrome. It is undeniably true that our appearance determines how we will navigate the world in life. From the day we are born, our experiences will be shaped in our social circles, career, relationships, etc. Inevitably, our appearance shapes who we are at first encounters. In the social media world, as we progressively build conversations around what “normal” means, we are also learning that “normal” is just an idea. It is a hypothetical idea that does nothing besides create gaps between people. However, we are here to build bridges between us, and Ariel has just built one of her own. For herself and the surrounding community.
"A Face for Picasso is about the story of my twin sister and I, growing up with Crouzon Syndrome, which is a condition where the bones in the head fuse prematurely. Nobody in my family had it, so it took a while for them to figure out what we had. At the age of eight months old, we started having surgeries in our head and face, and it changed what we looked like. I grew up never really having a clear understanding of it."
If we lived in a society where everybody had Crouzon Syndrome, the ones who lacked that condition would be considered different. They would suffer all kinds of discrimination and uneasy approaches from those who aren't familiar with their distinct looks. Which is exactly what happens in today's society towards people with not only Crouzon Syndrome, but people with all sorts of physical differences and disabilities. What we consider normal doesn't exist anywhere else but in our minds only.
"Growing up with a face that looks different, that is constantly being judged by. Everything was because of my face. And so, there was no permission, no room to be bad at something, to learn something. I always felt like I had to be better than everyone else just to be considered equal. Because of the way I looked, I always had to compensate."
From a place of accountability, we all share the responsibility of learning from each other's differences, of how to treat people equally in spite of their appearance. However, is it possible to also share the burden of living life without asking permission every time to walk into places without the unspoken obligation to explain why we look the way we look? If I enter a room filled with people and, somehow, they seem uncomfortable with my appearance, why is it always my job to explain my existence in order to make them less uncomfortable? Can it be the other way around? Can the people in the room have the responsibility and do the work of making me feel welcome and equal? After all, aren't we all different?
“You look at people and what you look like is what you are.", Ariel observes.
When we encounter something that doesn't look like what we have learned as “normal”, there is an urgency to categorize it, so it doesn't look as unfamiliar anymore. We need to connect right away, to fill the gap between the known and the unknown. Earlier in their lives, Ariel says that she and her sister were interviewed by the French edition of Marie Claire. What, at first, sounded like an incredible opportunity turned out to be an issue.
"When this article came out, there was a line in there that said that our faces resembled the work of Picasso."
The comparison with Picasso's asymmetrical face paintings landed painfully. Even though they didn't fully understand what that meant, they knew they didn't like it, Ariel recalls.
As kids, we haven't developed yet the emotional tools to understand what is going on. How was that for you?
The journalist wanted to meet with us, and for that interview, to associate it with something the readers would be able to relate to was understandable. It wasn't understandable at that time though, no. I was mad. And that's another thing that is not explored a lot.
We don't talk enough about mental health issues. We don't talk enough about the importance of holding space for all sorts of feelings. Being angry, or sad, or scared is all part of the same process: healing begins with acknowledgement. Ariel not only had to face her own experience, but also witnessed her twin sister go through the same surgeries and major changes.
How is your relationship with your twin sister?
It was really hard to watch someone you love, someone you feel like it's the other part of you especially when you are an identical twin, go through something like this was horrible. I think that was actually worse than experiencing it because there is nothing you can do. We had surgeries at the same time a lot, we would wake up from surgeries and ask about each other first thing. She was very supportive of me writing. We are very close."
As a child, Ariel recollects she couldn't develop a sense of self because her face was always changing.
"It was hard to connect to a face that was always changing. I lived in denial a lot. I think a big part of why the Picasso painting for example made me so upset was because it acknowledged something I really didn't want to acknowledge. I could talk about surgeries but, to talk about how I was fundamentally different from other people made me very upset because I was not ready to confront it. I did not understand it. Mental health care in general has come a long way since I was a little kid going through surgeries and having my face change. The mental and the emotional aspects were not really addressed."
Our body is our nest, we have to live in it. We must love it. It is the only house in which our mind will reside. Although mental health plays a crucial role when it comes to self-love and self-acceptance, we don't talk about it enough. The path to self-knowledge is also the path to healing.
"The more that I have learned, the more I stopped apologizing for who I am.", Ariel concludes.
Ariel just finished her novel— A Face for Picasso, a title her editor suggested, and the author embraced it. Her book will come out this November, but it is already available for pre-order. The book centers around two major surgeries that the twin sisters had the summer before seventh grade that changed their look a bit again.
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How did the idea to write A Face for Picasso come to life?
I knew that I wanted to write this book and I have been working on it since I was twelve. Writing it is the one thing that got me through life up until this point.
The entire process of creating art is art. Is it the role of art to provide as entertainment only or, is it the role of art to deliver the entire story behind someone's creation? When we see the artist's final product, a bridge presents itself. This bridge may connect us into the world of a detailed life that we, the audience, are not aware of yet. If we allow ourselves to learn the whole story behind a piece of art, we can actually cross the bridge from enjoying a piece of art to experiencing it.
"I wanted to make my story more palatable. Physical difference and disability are something that is not explored a lot and people are not comfortable with it. There is this pressure to, even when you are different, to seem as normal as possible still."
In a world predominantly normal (gigantic quotation marks in the air around the word normal), to find a community we can relate to is key. That is how we realize that, after all, we are not alone in this. A Face for Picasso is not only a compilation of Ariel's lifetime creative writing work, but also sheds light on one of the greatest truths in life: representation matters. The author recalls growing up not knowing that there were other people with the same condition as she and her sister. When she found community, she also found herself.
"The more I learned about other people's life stories and their experiences and met other people with other craniofacial conditions even, I found a community and an acceptance that I didn't know it was there. It made me sad that I had spent so many years and that other people spent so many years thinking that they are alone when they are not."
The legacy of a writer often reflects what they have acquired in life. A sense of belonging, relationships, challenges, answered and unanswered questions. Ariel brings to life A Face for Picasso as a result of her own journey of deep searching for something bigger than life. She would hope, during her creative writing process, that we would find something great in our own journeys, too.
"I learned a lot about myself. I feel like I couldn't rest until I was done with it. I have wanted to write this for so long and I have wanted for people, especially younger people with craniofacial conditions or with Crouzon Syndrome, to have a story that they could relate to, too. Hopefully in some ways. I hope other people's journeys are positive."
After going through all these experiences in life, who are you?
I'm still working through that a little. I have got to the terms of not being what I look like, I have always known that I am a person, not a face, and now I am trying to start to embrace that, and I hope that continues. I am passionate and outspoken, and I get angry, but I'm learning that it's ok to be angry. It's ok to get mad when things are wrong in the world, to get mad about injustice whether it is toward yourself or someone else. It is ok to say what you need and what you deserve and to know that you are a valuable person, and you deserve to take up space and if other people want to make you feel bad or want to shame you for something, that shame is not yours to carry."
What would you say to a younger person with Crouzon Syndrome?
There is nothing wrong with you. If other people want to make you feel bad or want to say that there is something wrong with you, that is not your problem. As hard as it is right now, you will come out of this.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul. During the entire interview, Ariel's eyes expressed kindness. The type of kindness that moves every soul into purpose. As a writer, it is quite wonderful to watch someone building a legacy for others with such devotion and generosity. Ariel's written work enables us to look within ourselves and search for answers and meaning. It teaches us that we must embrace the journey we are in and move forward. One page at a time.
How I Misinterpreted Body Positivity
Have you ever hidden behind a social movement flag to run from reality? Yes, I have. I did it for a while, actually.
Precisely, between 2015 and 2018, before I had bariatric surgery (you can read more about it here). I was nurturing self-esteem based on cute outfits that made me feel empowered and sexy - and people not only noticed it, but admired me for it. On the inside, I was struggling with imposter syndrome - I was NOT confident like the Body Positivity movement preached, I wasn’t happy with my figure, but I thought I needed to fake it ‘till I made it since that was my reality. Truth be told, I was conforming myself with that fat body because I was too far into the scale, and it seemed too hard to get back on track… So I might as well embrace it.
The Body Positivity movement calls for the acceptance of all shapes and sizes, ending the culture of fat-shaming and discrimination against people based upon their size and body weight. It’s about accepting yourself and learning how to embrace your uniqueness versus the insecurities society gave you. For example, you can accept and should love your small boobs regardless of society telling you to get them big and perky. You don’t have to fit into a size 6 ‘cause of fashion moguls if your frame is naturally bigger and more welcoming to a size 8 or 10. You get the picture, right?
Like any social movement, eventually, people can become extremists about its cause. We saw that happening with the backlash Ashley Graham received when she lost a few pounds and suddenly was taken as a traitor of the movement. Same with Adele, who allegedly became a “sold out to diet culture.” Sometimes I see Tik Tok videos with girls telling their weight loss journey and people angrily comment “stop it, you don’t need to lose more weight!” This makes me terrified and a bit angry - since when Body Positivity means not being able to lose weight? Especially knowing obesity is a health issue that increases the risks of diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, musculoskeletal disorders, sleep apnea, and even cancer. We can accept the body we’re in at any given moment, but that doesn’t mean conforming to what could harm us in the long run.
I knew exactly how I got to 262lbs, and I was judgmental about it. Honestly, like all other dualities in my life, this was another paradox. I was extremely critical about my looks and eating behavior while trying to raise my self-esteem based on shifting sand. If Body Positivity is about self-acceptance, I was not delivering it - I was creating more tension instead. By then, I realized how badly my sleep apnea was affecting me, my feet and knee joints hurt from walking, I had new stretch marks and painful cellulitis… Things were getting way too out of control for a 28-year-old. It was time to realize there was no positivity in all that. My conformity was leading to a comorbidity.
What took me a while to get was that Body Positivity never meant the conformity I was living in. It also doesn’t mean you *have* to love your body - you just have to appreciate and accept it as it is in that given moment. I can accept my obese body for how far it got me, but I couldn’t be passive about it anymore. It wasn’t healthy. Letting go of myself because I had a big movement to “cover my back” was not the long-term solution. I needed to be held accountable. So, I consulted with my primary doctor, went back to therapy, and started my bariatric surgery process.
This is Body Positivity; embracing body diversity and appreciation of where you stand despite society trying so hard to profit from our insecurities (thanks for the eye-opening call, Mrs. Wolff.) Now, the turning point is: if your health is at risk - you shouldn’t conform to it like I did. But also, if it makes you uncomfortable, it isn’t meant to be accepted. It might be a good moment to take a look inside and consider finding help.
We need to give loving attention to our body and minds. To learn to differentiate what is a real insecurity versus what we learned to consider as one. Being mindful about finding balance in our lifestyle. To be guided by love and not hatred for our bodies. Balance to be able to workout for joy and endorphin, not becoming obsessed or take it as an obligation. To be able to make healthy choices without counting calories. To see worth in yourself without comparing your body and journey to the influencers. More importantly, being able to distinguish what is an unrealistic standard and something you can accomplish within your body type range.
You can read The Beauty Myth and still want to have a tummy tuck if it really bothers you. Body Positivity is about acceptance, remember? The bottom line is, if you’re really uncomfortable about your body, you can try working around it with the support of multidisciplinary help. It might be therapy, a dietitian, a personal trainer, or maybe supportive friends, a Facebook group, or a ClubHouse chatroom. Anything that provides you real support.
If you want, reach out to me, I’m a great listener! We are in this together.
Don’t let anyone minimize your uncomfortableness because you should “accept yourself” or because “you look beautiful.” You’re not “meant to” be any way if that bothers you in the bottom of your heart. Don’t let Body Positivity become a pressure on you, it doesn’t dictate your worthiness or how empowered you are.
Physical Activity Should Alleviate Anxiety, Not Bring More Of It
It's 6:36 AM, and I was awakened by a noise in the apartment above mine. I don't know what my neighbor is doing; the only thing I know is that I woke up earlier than my alarm would go off. I lose sleep, so I think: should I dive into a new chapter of the book I'm reading? Start working earlier? Or go for a run outside?
I decided to run; overall, I do it almost every day, although one hour later than today. But while putting on my leggings, I started to ramble about the real reason behind my decision. Is it possible that I like to run this early? Why?
Even though I have always enjoyed moving my body, I keep asking myself if my daily exercise routine is just about pleasure. Or, maybe, deep inside my mind, there is some sense of obligation and anxiety linked to a fear of gaining weight.
Is it really my choice, or am I trying to comply with the patriarchal expectations that tell me that I have to be thin to be seen as a successful woman?
Social media, body image, and anxiety
Thanks to the pandemic and the social distancing requirements, we have more time to be on social media, overloaded with images of "perfect bodies" - which, by the way, are increasingly thinner. Our society is obsessed with image, so the role of physical activity is often reduced to burning calories. In the middle of a pandemic crisis, our body size should not be one more concern, but, unfortunately, it is. And for many women, it's a great source of anxiety.
Physical activity and mental health
Data from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) shows that 62% of Americans feel anxious during the pandemic. This "new normal" brought psychological challenges to many of us, and there is no better time for using physical activity as an ally to keep us sane.
Fortunately, the scientific evidence about exercise's role in our mental health is increasingly apparent. The practice is already considered a "natural remedy" for anxiety, and physical and behavioral factors can explain it.
Among the physical hypotheses lies that exercise reduces our levels of stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, as it increases the "happy hormones," such as dopamine and endorphin. Plus, it decreases muscle tension and brings us this relaxation feeling.
The behavioral hypotheses are equally fascinating. One of the explanations is that when we put our body into intense physical activity, we are practically "mimicking" the body's responses to anxiety - such as sweating, accelerated heart rate, etc. In other words, physical activity works as "training" for our brain, so when we are in a real stressful situation, we feel safer and calmer.
Three kind tips
When we feel anxious, it is hard to find the motivation to do physical activity. But here are some tips that work for me. I hope it could inspire you.
1. Forget about aesthetic pressure
Remember that beauty standards and health are entirely different things. It's tough for a regular woman to have a Hollywood body, and doing exercises with this only aim could be an anxiety trigger. So let's try to adjust our expectations and have a softer relationship with physical practice. We should move our bodies to find freedom, not prison.
If you face exercising more as a self-care practice, less as an obligation, it will be a positive message to your brain that you are doing something good for yourself. It can even lead you towards other healthy habits, in addition to improving your self-esteem and self-image.
2. Do what you enjoy, not what burn more calories
For the practice of physical activity to be sustainable in the long run, you need to like it. So, forget about calories. Instead, pick a modality that allows you to relax and have some relief about everyday concerns.
For me, what works is running, walking, and biking. And I enjoy doing it during the first hours of the day. I love to witness the city gaining its first movements: to see the stores opening; to smell the coffee aroma in each corner. I like to feel the morning fog bringing a cold breeze towards my face. It's almost like a meditation. Some research already points to physical activity as a way to focus on the moment and practicing mindfulness, which, in turn, is an excellent tool against anxiety.
3. Do you have just 10 minutes? Better than nothing!
I always thought there is no worth exercising without sweating to death. But there is scientific evidence that shows that just a few minutes of physical activity per day is enough to reduce anxiety. Another great tip, especially during Covid-19 days, is the outdoor exercises. This research proves that people who exercise in natural environments feel less anxious.
Remember that we are not machines, so respect your body. You can start little by little and, before you realize it, your brain will get used to the hormones released by the movement and understand it as a good habit.
Suddenly, you will no longer be mad at your neighbor if he wakes you up before your alarm goes off.
The First Report Of a Time Travel | Chronicles Of The Young Immigrant Women
nalu romano
I was in the car with a friend (who I want to kiss) talking about what’s left to write about New York. Not that there will be an end: if there’s a city in which good stories are living in every single corner or just across the street, this is the one. The car was loaded with my moving to what will be home number six. I had to stop writing to count how many apartments I clogged the bathtub with my forever-weak hair. I can’t believe it. I’ve been here for five years, how the hell did I manage to move so many times? It was when we stopped at Freedom st -how cheesy poetic this is- that I started to think about my old addresses and its street’s names. Two different Lexington Avenues. The greek 38th street in Queens. Three different neighborhoods in Brooklyn. Train number 6, the famous green line. The Astoria bound. The if-you-sleep-you’ll-end-up-at-the-beach blue line. Jay-Z’s line. M train only for delayed days. The next-year-is-going-to-close-but-not-really L train, which was where I wrote most of the poems from my first book. I got a liberty letter in a place three blocks from Central Park. Confronted what it means to be an adult inside the only apartment I’ve lived in with a balcony. Felt lucky. Moved in with friends I’ll never speak with ever again. Felt prayerless yet hopeful. Then I said so many goodbyes in Bogart Street. Met love by Flushing Avenue, moved with her to a funky street in front of a secret party-place we never got invited to. Painted walls with never-picked-before colors with the help of love. Didn’t write any memories there. All of a sudden, within a blink of an eye, there was me waiting for the rain to fall, on my way to eight minutes from McCarren park and exactly fifteen minutes from my wedding venue. Love and I had a dream in common of living around there, but just one of us is accomplishing it. Now I don’t even know how many streets are in between our letter codes. Here I am writing from apartment number six. Hello! Today when I was choosing the right soundtrack to open the very few boxes with what’s left of me, I noticed I created a tradition unintentionally: I have a playlist with the name of every street I've lived in. With the songs I used to hear on my ways home and on my beds starring the ceilings and exploding kitchens and receiving awards in the showers and interlacing my body in people’s bodies and others “and.” Which means I can visit my rooms anytime. Which means I made all of my homes eternal. Which means I somewhat invented my personal time machine. Which hurts but feels so good. Pretending now is the only way through. Which means.
Mental Health: Fighting Stigma Is Not Enough
When we talk about mental health, we often suggest that people seek help when they are experiencing signs of depression or if their anxiety is disrupting their lives. We say that therapy is cool, and that there’s no shame in seeing a psychiatrist. What we too often fail to mention or see (perhaps because we’re privileged?) is how much this kind of help costs.
When I first started looking for a psychiatrist (which wasn’t an easy action to take, by the way!), I was shocked to learn that a big chunk of them do not accept insurance (so I’d have to pay around $250/session out of pocket). And if you are lucky enough to find one that takes insurance, very often you will have to wait 2 months to get an appointment. Just a side note here: when talking about mental health, 2 months can make a big difference in someone’s life (or decision to end it).
Luckily I found help that accepted insurance and the copay wouldn’t hurt that much. And although it wasn’t the best help to be honest, still, it was the help I needed at that moment and I’m grateful I got it. But it made me realize why mental health in the United States is in such a crisis: it’s not only the stigma and accepting help, it’s paying for it, too.
According to the CDC, 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year, and 1 in 25 Americans lives with a serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. In 2018, suicide was 10th leading cause of death in all ages, but 2nd (yes, SECOND) in age groups 10-34. This is a public health issue that I believe is being addressed poorly, and these numbers reflect just that.
Telling people that it is ok to seek help is not enough. The Affordable Care Act improved access to mental health care, but there is still work to be done. Many patients can’t afford the copay for therapy sessions or medications, for example, and they end up quitting treatment. Although I could afford 100 bucks out of my pocket to pay for my Zoloft + Abilify + monthly Psych session, a lot of people don’t have the “luxury” of adding this amount to their budget. They are already struggling to keep up with food, rent and gas, all while many times, also battling to get out of bed. Not to mention we still have over 30 million people who don’t have health insurance at all in this country (which is a whole issue of its own).
So no. Fighting mental health stigma is necessary, but it isn’t enough. And we (me included) need to be more mindful when telling someone to seek help. Health insurance plans work differently, your copay amount is not the same as mine, and again, a lot of people don’t have access to insurance at all. Because universal healthcare access is still a utopia, what we need to do if we really want to help this crisis is to pressure our lawmakers to make mental health care even more accessible and build policies that promote preventive measures.
And if you or someone you know need help finding or paying for mental health care:
Low Cost Treatment: resources that offer assistance in paying for treatment.
If you’re concerned about insurance coverage, here’s an article that might help.
Other resources:
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor 24/7
Trevor Project: 24/7 LGBTQ+ crisis intervention and suicide prevention hotline at 1-866-488-7386
Trans Lifeline: peer support hotline run by and for trans people at 877-565-8860
To Write Love on Her Arms: to find local resources in your area
Back To The Mushroom Kingdom | Chronicles Of The Young Immigrant Women
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In ten days I’ll be returning to New York. In ten days my life will restart. I kinda feel in a Mario game: never played, heard about, know maybe a rule or two about winning this thing but definitely have no clue how to jump without falling. Anyways I have decided to write about it with my own conceptions. In 10 days I’ll be back to the Mushroom Kingdom. Though I love mushrooms enough not to crush them… This time I’ll have to learn how to smash-the-fuck-out-of what’s in front of me no matter the taste or how much I wish I could use them in a happy-recipe. The best part about facing this chapter as a video game is the illusion I’m in control of everything. Worst part is the time I waste “jokesying” terrible situations and inventing words such as “jokesying.” I could’ve just said I’m wasting time finding comic relief but then it wouldn’t be me (or this column). Recap: the strategy is to keep thinking Mario but no time to save a princess. She’s been doing fine without me, thank you. Mario journey this time is to keep on walking. Which makes me wonder if I’ll ever be a stable player in my life as an immigrant. No wonder why Mario has a latino name. A guy going through places he’s never been before (otherwise he wouldn’t need help to see the way), among with friends from different nationalities and races and shapes: definitely not stable. Mario, I feel you. In ten days I’ll get home to pack up and leave one more time. Robotic steps towards the end of a phase. Collecting special effects to defend myself. Getting stronger as I learn the tricks not to die over and over again as I live. No ring in my finger nor rings to stop me: a basic outfit (yet super original and trendy) comfortable enough to all seasons coming. Does Mario have a soundtrack? Because I’m going mute this time. Dramatically and unapologetically in silence. It’s fun to think life is giving me one more chance to restart the game. I’ll lose, though. Because we always do. But the Mushroom Kingdom will never close its doors for the bad players. That’s why I love it there. See you in ten days, New York.
Heart Series: Jelena Aleksich - Founder of The Confetti Project
Jelena Aleksich
Jelena Aleksich
2020 is finally over, but we are still picking up the pieces. We have learned to work remotely, but are still figuring out how to do it healthily. We have learned to compromise on deadlines and dreams, but are still longing the old days when we could come and go freely. We have learned how to live through a pandemic, but are still behind when it comes to overcoming it. It has been a year about loss, adaptation and survival and, among that, there's grief. So why don't we talk more often about it? To answer that and a few other questions, I talked to Jelena Aleksich, the founder of The Confetti Project— an initiative that portraits people doused in confetti (Yup! You heard it just right! Confetti!) as a result of exploring one of the biggest questions in life:
What do you celebrate?
Six years and over two hundred celebratory sessions later, Jelena has built a community of people who celebrate life among other things. "I'm trying to redefine what celebration means. We don't have to be deserving of celebration. We don't need to be waiting on a pile of confetti, or have a birthday, or a big milestone or we don't have to wait to watch someone we love die. We don't need to be awakened by tragedy.", she enlightens.
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When The Confetti Project had to abruptly cease its in person sessions because of Covid, an immediate grief took place but, as after all torrential storms, a clear sky showed up along afterwards. "I already had some storms, so when this big one came, I knew a breakthrough would come from this breakdown if I were patient, kind and compassionate with myself. It completely made me realize what I've been doing with confetti. I am changing the way confetti is used. For being the worldwide symbol of celebration from thousands of years, that is why when we see confetti, we automatically connect it with celebration." Within a few months into the pandemic, Jelena has built an unimaginable bridge. She brought grief and celebration together while using confetti as a tool: "Confetti is the new healing modality. Grief and Celebration has become a subset of the Confetti Project.", she explains.
The project offers a safe space for grief and healing. "Holding space for everything that grief brings up is healing.", Jelena declares. To celebrate grief with confetti and community is her mission. She alerts, "Where it becomes dangerous is when you don't allow yourself to feel it." In a society that oversimplifies grief, it is essential to humanize it and demystify it in order to allow the process of healing to happen. "Grief is the most universal experience, the most universal truth.", Jelena says. Last December, the 19th, I participated in the workshop Grief As Celebration | Reflecting + Releasing 2020. My package with confetti arrived days before with a warm little note, confetti and instructions for the event.
the confetti project
How has the process with confetti been for you?
I have been working with confetti for many years and I have been holding space for other people. At the same time, it was a reciprocal experience. I was feeling the effects of healing.
And that was exactly how I felt in my own experience in my own Grief + Celebration process. "These little pieces of paper give you freedom to be able to express yourself.", Jelena says. It's like being a child again. We are freer when we are kids and we deal with grief in a different way. Perhaps we have more tools or less fear. In our adulthood, we are socially castrated in so many ways. The permission to make a mess with confetti can be a breakthrough in life. "We need a lot of permission to do things. Permission to make a mess. Permission to even celebrate challenging things.", she concludes.
How do you perceive this connection?
A lot of adults love to grasp onto illusions of control because there is so much that is uncertain. Our whole existence is rooted in uncertainty.
As the workshop progressed, that group of strangers began to share their experiences. One at a time, we gave space and held space for one another. Historically, we are taught to feel ashamed of our feelings, we are taught to only carefully outlet our emotions. However, once I witnessed my peers opening up their hearts, I felt compelled to do the same and a change happened. By sharing my experience, I rinsed off some of that unreasonable shame. By embracing my grief, I found out I wasn't alone in my pain. It is cathartic to realize how many things can be cured by being in community.
"We are all connected to our grief in one way or another."
the confetti project
How does it make you feel that now people are doing the confetti at home and they are a little more in charge of their own process with confetti?
I love it. I love that people can have their own experience at their own homes, I think that is beautiful. The model has shifted so much this year with not being able to meet in person, how much that impacts more accessibility. People don't have to live in NY to be able to do it.
What is the future of The Confetti Project?
The year of 2020 has been a turning point for it. As creatives, we envision futures that don't exist yet. We are the bridges to actualizing that for people to see. I'm always thinking about the future of this work. It is one of my life purposes. I truly believe I was meant to be the vessel through this specific message. I'll be getting a space in the future, a community and lifestyle space. First line of products called mental hygiene collection, which used confetti and journaling to have more mental health check-ins throughout your week or day. The Grief and Celebration Initiative will grow.
Jelena lost her father in a battle against cancer. For a whole year, as she watched him fight for his life, she brought The Confetti Project to life.
After six years of all that you've learned, what would you say to your dad now? If you had a chance to look him in the eye and say it, what would be the message?
I would just hug him and thank him for everything. I would thank him for teaching me what unconditional love is and for how to live life well, I would thank him for everything that I have become. I am everything that I am because of him.
Would you have to say for those who are grieving right now?
You are valid. Everything you're feeling is valid. If you feel alone, you would be surprised by how many people are feeling what you're feeling. We all feel the same things, maybe in different ways and in different times but, grief connects every single person. It is okay for you to feel what you're feeling. You are feeling something many people are afraid to feel. Reach out to your community. It is not that you are alone, you have been given this opportunity to go deeper within yourself and feel everything that is coming up.
the confetti project
When the workshop ended, we were all covered in confetti of all colors. It felt like a giant hug from life. A gentle reminder that beauty and fragility can coexist. "The confetti is a beautiful metaphor for it. Because it is so spontaneous, and it moves. When you use it, you can't control it. It is a reflection on life in itself. All you can do is keep moving forward and try to be as present as possible. It is a nice way to get out of your head and bring the energy in your body. And to be in the moment.", Jelena summarizes.
One of Jelena's most powerful statements that resonates with me is "All of the people that we have lost, they have given us that gift of being closer to our mortality." because it made me realize that to celebrate grief is an opportunity to reset life. For better or worse, the idea of mortality is what gives life meaning and a sense of purpose. Towards the end of our interview, she asks "How many times do you have something physical to represent all the stuff that is happening in your mind?". Almost never, I suggested. That's what confetti does. "It gives you an edge, it gives you that superpower of thinking about who you were and allowing for you to be present.", Jelena concludes.
the confetti project
When the workshop was over, I played some music. As the sound and the lyrics traversed the room, I thought of my friend who passed away four years ago. I thought of how much she liked that song and how much fun she would have had with confetti herself if she was here. As I gathered up the remaining confetti off the floor, I didn't bother to pursue the scattered ones presumably behind the couch or underneath the rug because that could be a memoryland for the residual effect of confetti. A few weeks from now, as I get ready for another important thing to cross off my routine to-do list, a piece of confetti may cross my day and completely shift my energy. It may remind me too that life is worth living not because it ends, but because it always begins somewhere.
All images are courtesy of Jelena. You can check out The Confetti Project here. :)
The Detox Scam
Before we start, let’s briefly recap 2020?
We stayed at home, we included a mask in our OOTD, we were anxious, a lot of us spent months alone, quarantined with their feelings and fears of the unknown as we were learning about COVID-19. While a few of us made healthy choices, joined Chloe Thing workout challenge, started practicing Yoga, or kept on their regular workout routine via video call… A lot of us couldn’t care less for healthy choices when you could just pop a bottle of wine on a daily basis and blame it on work from home insanity. Granted - WFH has been a maddening experience and I do not judge anyone who drank more than their average last year.
Flashforward to the Holidays Season, we wrap up a mentally exhausting year with events that naturally require a feast and a lot of drinks too. That leads us to the infamous guilty feeling of overindulging. Oh, the regret! Wait, did someone say “vaccine”? Are things coming back to “””normal”””? Are we going to be out again? How could someone possibly erase months of gastronomical orgy inside of me so I can start 2021 clean?
That’s the queue for our main character, the Detox!
It is the ideal super hero/douchebag kind of character.
It comes, makes you feel great at first place, then drops off and leaves you confused af like “where did I go wrong?”
The idea that you can flush your system of unhealthy choices and leave your organs squeaky clean is absolutely tempting and yet absurd. But I am not obviously going to bash “the Detox” without having a knowledgeable back up because I really want this article to bring information about this matter according to professionals in the Food & Nutrition field.
Amanda De Santi is a Nutritionist graduated from PUC, Brazil, with a Master in Food Service from LaGuardia Community College, US. When I asked her opinion about it, she explained how the concept of “detox” is misleading: “if a person is 'intoxicated' they will need an emergency room with doctors and nurses and not a juice. I will never understand why one day someone decided to name a 'detox' cleanse.”
Exactly. If you splurged with alcohol, or things that usually make you feel bad like cheese when you’re lactose intolerant, or sugar when you have diabetes… A juice, or soup, claiming to “clean you” won’t be your savior. You need to refrain from what makes you feel bad digestively speaking - the fact you’re not consuming them, it's enough detox. “Our bodies have kidneys and a liver that are detoxifying as we speak, you don’t need a juice or a special soup for it,” Amanda adds. See? Nonsense.
She also highlights that having juice for a meal isn’t a smart choice either. “Now starting from the context that drinking a juice with a lot of beaten and strained fruit is "good" or "healthier" is also a mistake. Because after all, fruits carry a lot of natural sugar. So a detox juice is adding a bunch of fruit and vegetables and its sugars, removing the skins along with the fibers when this juice is strained. And in some cases of packaged Detox juices, not so beneficial sweeteners might be added. By the end of the day, you’re not making a healthier choice.”
Bottomline, my dear readers. If you splurged, had the best drinks, finished a crate of wine, the best sweets, the Levain cookies, all the nachos with extra cheese, all the weird TikTok recipes… (the list can go on forever) and now wants to tone down a bit, go for it. But do it smart. Include less of the refined sugary items, less artificially conserved options, less alcohol; go with more unsaturated fat, fiber, starches, real veggies and real protein sources, eat your fruits and drink more water!
Let 2021 be a time to heal your relationship with food. What we put inside us needs to be the fuel for our body. Feeding ourselves is a thoughtful act of love. Choose wisely, learn how to listen to your body when it tells you something doesn’t sit right. Question the “default” behavior you incorporated last year if it bothers you right now. But please, don’t act aggressively towards your body, trying to clean it from overindulging. Take a moment to sit back, go over your behavior (sometimes the help of a therapist is needed) and see why you let that happen. All things considered, 2020 drove a lot of emotional eating because we didn’t understand and couldn’t control our surroundings - and that is perfectly fine! But we all need to acknowledge it so we can fight back and reclaim the control of our eating and drinking habits.
Remember - you didn’t go off track in a day and getting back on it won’t work over your 3-days-detox. As a marketing professional, I’m telling you. It’s a marketing scam, another way of tricking us into restrictive behaviors that can’t be maintained in the long term and can most likely backlash. If you think about it, it’s also another way of trapping us into aggressively trying to reach an immaculate body shape most of us can’t achieve without several others procedures. Please, don’t fool yourself into thinking reeducating your eating habits is fast. It’s a goddamn process. Stay focused, stay healthy, and most importantly, eat real food. And please stay hydrated!
Feed Your Mind | Mental Health 2021
We often see conversations about diets, calories, and how to feed the body. How to keep it strong and healthy. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say. Well, I believe in more of a holistic approach. When addressing health, it’s useful to remember that what we feed our minds is as important as what goes inside our bellies.
As someone who lives with chronic anxiety and depression and has recently cut ties with meds, I decided to start watching myself. Although what I eat does have an impact on my gut health, and consequently, my mental state, it turns out that how I am “feeding” my mind trumps what goes in my mouth (note: I still eat healthyish though!).
To me, there’s no question that the days I start out by scrolling on social media, are the ones I feel more anxious. Especially with everything that’s been going on lately. One negative thought leads to another, and suddenly it’s a snowball of negativity rolling inside my head. And that means I’m feeding my mind the wrong way.
On the other hand, listening to music while showering boosts my mood. Not pressuring myself to be productive actually helps me accomplish things throughout my day. Reminding myself to take a few deep breaths (and doing so!) in fact calms me down. But besides that, I actually have some “mind food” I want to share. It’s not books or meditation, I guess you get that a lot already. It’s just a few things you can watch, play, and learn with, that I believe can be good for you.
Netflix
[youtube=://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr-WvA7uFDQ&w=854&h=480]
To start, let me introduce you to my other Queen B: Brené Brown. She’s a shame and vulnerability researcher who’s work has helped thousands of people. Her special on Netflix is entertaining, funny, and perhaps what you need to warm your heart.
[youtube=://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bB_XlzERp4&w=854&h=480]
Laughter is one of the best therapies there are, so I’d like to recommend one of the funniest women I know: Ali Wong. I had the opportunity to see her live and almost peed my pants. This special in particular is one I go back to when I know I need a laugh. P.S.: if you have sensitive ears and sense of humor, I’d skip it…
Spotify
Ok, here she is again because as I said, she’s my other Queen B! But seriously, if you’re looking for deep conversations, to grow as a human, and to live your truth, this is THE podcast. I won’t say I’m always in the mood to listen to it, but once a week I try to tune in with an open mind and heart.
I know playlists are pretty personal, but Spotify suggested me this one and I’m obsessed. Songs from the 80s, 90s and 2000s (up to pretty recent ones like “Savage”), great to shower, clean, work out, or simply to help you get out of bed.
I saw Dr. Mariel Buque speak at an EmpowHerNY event and I started following her right away. Not only because of the calm way she speaks, but because the content she shares is a must-stop-scrolling-&-read if you’re interested in starting a healing journey and/or improving your mental health.
Her IG is @dr.marielbuque
I don’t know if you already follow this guy, but if you don’t, please do! His videos full of moves and positivity started going viral in 2019, I think. It took off from there and today he has over 800k followers, and is using his platform to spread love, inspire others, and invite you to make some moves, too!
His IG is @donte.colley
Learn & Play
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As I mentioned, start the day scrolling on social media increases my anxiety. One way I found to help me do something else (while taking my sweet time before getting out of bed) is playing while learning Spanish on Duolingo App. You can choose from many languages, it’s fun and it’s free!
Of course there are many other ways to give your mind some “good food” (literal food is one of them!). These are just a few things that I personally find helpful, and I’m sharing with hopes that you will find them helpful, too. Just remember that feeding your mind the right way is very important, especially nowadays with all the troubles we’ve been facing as a society. Oh, and not to mention (before I forget), this is also self-care. Happy new year!
Disclaimer: each person is different and has different needs. When talking about mental health, there are many ways to find improvement. But what works for me, might not work for you, and vice-versa. That goes with medications, diet or mindfulness techniques. It is crucial that you listen to your body, your therapist, and your doctor, so you can find what works best for you.
Burritonization Of The Brain | Chronicles Of The Young Immigrant Women
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Maybe I should try a tradition to begin this, since the following is a rotten process of a communication-dogma I-invented-dunno-why. This is edited: actually that past sentence was the last I wrote. Here I go. Dear Lord of the bilinguals (and plus), send some help to your daughter who has been living in three languages for years but has been trying-to-speak-only-one for the past four months. Is this about losing my English or my Spanish? No, it’s not. Because there was me saying thank you to the security guard in Copacabana. There I was, not remembering certain words in Portuguese and by consequence there was everyone around evil-laughing at my face. Or when I spoke for an hour using a word in Spanish that I could swear existed in my native language. Here’s the shit this is about: my feelings are on a strike against my confusion. By themselves they chose which language to be in and I did go with the flow. But not anymore. I have now decided it is my job to organize them. So we’re in a crisis. And I’m losing. Because I have absolutely no control. I’m puta at the fact I sometimes don’t feel satisfied with the way I'm telling a story, not angry. Puta. Got it? To me, people me irritando are not ironically querida, they’re sweetie. Tendeu? And sweetie-pie I do not have munchies, I have larica. I’m not smoking weed. I’m smoking um fininho. Um baseado. Um dois. By the way I’m going to take this opportunity to beg the United Statians: learn how to call marijuana correctly. Please call it “based on.” Call it “the little thin”. Call it “a two”. As I was saying, this is about me mixing everything in an attempt to put things in order. During this journey it seems like I have a million different ways of feeling and seeing my own life and emotions. I’m not meanwhile. I’m not por enquanto. I’m mientras. I’m not falling in love again. I’m not enamorada. I’m fudida. You see? I feel like the ingredients of my emotional-recipe are not matching. Basically my brain is now a burrito. I hate burrito. Never understood the concept. Why cheese on top of beans rolled in a dough? Please, why!!!!!!!!! Important to mention: I deeply respect it culturally. That being written, I just figured out one thing, there’s a mission I need to accomplish in the next couple of thoughts: respecting the burrito process of my brain. Which means being at peace with the Union Of Feelings who are now enjoying a latino meal. Maybe that’s a good start. It’s lunch time for these tired workers inside me. From now on I’m embracing (or trying to) the burritoning-revolution of myself. I love when I figure things out mientras escrevendo. Y nada más.
2020: The Year We Could Reasonably Cancel Hope. Why Didn't We?
A few years from now, historians will be able to tell, better yet, to measure and demonstrate how depressive the year of 2020 was. In light of the fact that the continuity of our species is threatened with extinction by plagues and climate crisis, we seem eager to still build a legacy our descendants might rely on. As the end of the year holidays approach but the festivities are at risk, will the holidays spirit last?
To gather is the most powerful human aspect. It has kept us alive through time, it has helped us evolve and find new ways to survive. In every culture, social gatherings are symptomatic of a people's History and it demonstrates how they operate as a society. It also assures that their cultural aspects travel through generations. We have been experiencing the abstinence of these social rituals for nearly a year now since the pandemic started and, without foreseeing an end to it, we are on the edge of our mental health. Hundreds of last-minute adjustments, thousands of deaths and millions of postponed dreams due to this year's chaotic interval. As we get used to traversing the unknown, a sense of deep reflection and decision making takes place in our lives.
People are still getting married, writing novels, having children and falling in love. Somehow, the motion of life found its way into the future. What this future will look like is less of a concern because to believe that there will be a future is what keeps us moving forward. A crisis is composed of several stages. We fear what we don't understand, we get frustrated at what we can't control, we accept what we can't change, and we mourn what we no longer have. For each stage, a hint of hope serves as a guide through each process. An instance of hope that no matter how long every stage lasts, it will eventually come to an end. Every time we lose something, it can simply be a loss, but it can also be an opportunity. An opportunity to learn, to start fresh and to be grateful.
This has been a tough year, if we can all agree on that. If so, it does sound somewhat reasonable to stop believing that things will get better, right? Well, not exactly because both can be true; however, if we are willing to build a life in this disruptive world, we might as well just hold on to hope. Because the desire for something other than ordinary to happen can be miraculous. One day, all of us will take a look into the past and we will have absolutely no idea how we made it through these current times. This article will be History, so will photos and actions and everything else we built as an attempt to make sense of all of this.
I, as many others who came to NewYork to make their dreams come true, also hope to see a friendlier version of this new world. As we say goodbye to older habits and dreams, we create new ones. And once again here we are falling in love, having children, writing novels and making new friends and new memories under the hope that, one day, this year will be just a memory we like to talk about in the gatherings at the end of the year holidays. I started writing this article under the hope of coming out of it someone different but I didn't. Somehow, the words that came were already in me and I just had to realize that. For you, who's reading these final lines right now and secretly wondered if this article was about you... It was! Because, in the end, we most certainly agree that there is no reality in which we don't overcome this year. Happy holidays, everybody!
In Times of An Endless Global Pandemic: Inner Closeness And Other Thoughts
I am a writer living the dream during a premature midlife crisis in the midst of a global pandemic. I started writing this novel two years ago because I needed closure to things I didn't fully understand. In a writer's world, this is often a gift or a curse. For me, it was both.
My novel is about time. It took me a while to see that. When you're writing a long-form piece, the purpose behind the narrative takes a long time to reveal itself. Sometimes, it takes the entire written work before we find out what it is about. For me, it happened two chapters from the end. I realized that the questions I've been meaning to ask have always been there.They've merely been mutating, traversing between my thoughts.
The pandemic is still happening out there. The world has stopped for a while because of the Coronavirus, a disease that doesn't require introduction. It has spread faster than the News and reached places further than the internet could ever have. Earlier in March, we were told to stay home in order to flatten the curve, because the amount of sick people would soon outnumber the health system's capacity all around the globe. Hospitals, healthcare workers, the hope that we would defeat the virus before it defeated us. All saturated. We haven't flattened the first to begin with and we are about to face it again.
The protagonist of my book seems to think she has all the time in the world in her hands. She doesn't and she'll find out soon enough. Those who know me well would say I'm a ruthless writer, a stark contrast with my otherwise compassionate and romantic nature. I do not protect my characters from the harder realities of life. Every writer flirts with the idea of playing God, of sewing together the stories of characters who initially didn't relate to one another. In this writing process, to fuse the avenues of these lives is to create something the writer might not be ready for, but, we don't hesitate to take the risk. The possibility of foisting these characters’ fates into a new world order feels powerful and intoxicating.
My novel is about choice. I have never had time to do anything I wanted to do. There was always something in my way. Family, jobs, to-do lists. Now, I have all the time in the world, don't I? In a pandemic, we are just perishable passers-by amongst these geographic islands we've built, so what does all the time in the world even mean? It means now. It means there's no such a thing as all the time in the world. It means I've waited long enough to do so many things. This realization is overwhelming, yet healing.
As I write this piece, New York City is about to go on lock-down for the second time. And, as the pandemic goes by and we all continue to talk about social distancing, I keep thinking of the idea of closeness. Not social closeness but an inner closeness with ourselves. That moment in life when we silence the voices of the world and only listen to our own. This unfamiliar moment of truth. Am I happy with the person I have become? What do I stand for? Who am I when no one is watching? It's a hard task but, there couldn't be a better time to do it.
Finishing my novel was cathartic and beautiful. My protagonist realized that having all the time in the world is a fallacy. Nevertheless, she endured the choices she made. Suddenly, time wasn't a burden anymore, it was freedom. She could never control time, so she decided to walk with it. After all, it's not about how much time we have, but how we will spend it.
There's no greater bridge in the world that connects people than a story. As we blindly walk towards an unsettling future, social distancing is essential to contain the spread of the Coronavirus. Yet, we might find the time to practice inner closeness too. For us. For those we love. Perhaps, we'll learn something new about time, people and ourselves. When social distancing is over and we're able to assemble again, togetherness will hopefully have a different taste. I daydream about the day we'll return to the streets with eager arms to embrace the new world we might come out to. A world where we've been truly given a second chance. A second chance to consider time. Ours and everyone else's. A second chance to contemplate the privilege of choice and be grateful for it.
Why I Chose to Bottle Feed My Second Son
When I had my first son six years ago, I suffered from debilitating postpartum depression. I found my brain telling me horrible stories about my abilities to mother a child. It was like living in a different reality. I thought I was a bad mom. I believed I was a bad mom.
My son was cluster feeding and it was so hard to nurse him. Then pump. Then nurse again. Then try to sleep.
Sleeping was challenging because my brain was working overtime. It kept telling me that a good mom would not spend the day laying in bed, crying, feeling sorry for herself. But I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t force myself to re-enter the human world. It seemed impossible. I remember laying in my bedroom in the dark with my baby, willing myself to get out of bed. My husband would check on me. He was worried. I would give him the baby and cry myself to sleep. I would sleep for about thirty minutes before I would have sore boobs ready to nurse again. I remember constantly having a throbbing headache. One of the ones that you cannot shake. It lasted three weeks before I gave into the help everyone was begging me to get.
When I was pregnant with my second son, I knew that I had to do something differently than I did with my first. I was absolutely terrified that I would end up back in the same deep, dark, pit of sadness I had experienced before. And I knew my baby needed me to be happy. He needed a mommy that could show him how much he was loved. My toddler needed a mommy that could love him and cuddle him and reassure him that he wasn’t being replaced. And I needed to be me. I needed my own good mental health so I could be present, for the good and the bad. I needed to be in a place that wasn’t a dark room with dark thoughts.
So, I decided that I would exclusively formula feed my son after his birth.
Normally when I say that I get a collective gasp. Many women clutch their pearls, but I am at peace with this decision and won’t allow anyone to shame me for it.
Why formula feeding for my second son? Because I was on an antidepressant. And it was not a medicine that would allow me to breastfeed. That’s all. This antidepressant would allow me to have the stability I needed postpartum while I had raging hormones. And as a woman that already experienced depression, I knew I had a higher chance of developing postpartum depression.
I chose my mental health over breastfeeding my child. Some might say that I’m selfish. I have heard that time and time again. But in the deepest part of my soul, I know that bottle feeding my baby is the least selfish thing I could do. I had been off my antidepressant before, and it was bad, really, really bad. I had tried multiple times to get off it. I thought that since I was feeling good, that I didn’t need it anymore. But that was so wrong. It meant that my medicine was working. And proved that I needed it.
I didn’t want to be on medicine for my mental health. I didn’t want to have to choose between breastfeeding and bottle feeding for my son. But it was a choice that I had to make. And I did.
In the back of my head, I still have a small nagging feeling that I should have tried nursing my second son. And if I started feeling bad, I could switch to a bottle. But the problem with that is this – when you get to a point where you realize you are depressed, you are too deep to climb out of the hole without help. And I didn’t want that to happen.
I am proud of myself for making the decision to bottle feed. I know I never chose myself over my baby. I chose myself for my baby. And I will continue to embrace women that bottle feed their children, no matter the reason. Only you know what is best for you, your body, and your child.
Changing Habits - One Day at a Time
“Changing habits takes time” -- I bet you’re tired of hearing this. Well, unfortunately, it does. But you know what really takes time? Sticking to those habits. As I’m writing this post, I’m not proud to say that, with the holidays, and all the things happening in my life at the same time, I started cheating on my diet (a little bit). The one that began almost two years ago, and that was finally going well for the past 6 months. But as the title of this post says: changing habits, one day at a time.
Since 2016 I’ve been embracing lots of changes to my lifestyle. Exercising still hasn’t stuck, but I now floss every night, I went from reading one book in 2017 to reading over 15 in the past couple of years, and I can tell you that my mindset has improved about 40% (which is a huge accomplishment!). My relationship with food (trying to avoid gluten + dairy + processed sugar) is also better (although it still got a lot of room for improvement).
But changing or building habits is a process. And when I say “one day at a time,” it’s because you need to see it as something that you’re working on on a daily basis AND, if you slip or skip today, you need to keep going tomorrow as if today didn’t exist. Because you’ll cheat on your diet, or skip the gym, or have negative thoughts. But that doesn’t mean you’re done trying. You go on with the process, one day at a time.
I also noticed I was trying to change too much at once. So I went back to my “whys” and decided what habit I was going to prioritize. For sure, my diet was a priority, since it was affecting my life personally and professionally. Then I directed my focus to that, got even more clear on the reason I needed to do it, what would happen if I didn’t, and the specific outcomes I was aiming for (in my case, it definitely wasn’t losing weight!).
When I realized and incorporated that into my strategy, my life changed. I went to parties and said no to sweets with no problem. I started reading more, even if I wasn’t reading every single day as I wanted to. I set my goals based on honesty more than expectations, and I started forgiving myself for the “oops” along the way.
So if you’re going through this process (always call it a process, because it is) of changing or building habits, remember this:
It’s a process - it isn’t something you decide to do today, that will happen next week. They say a new habit takes about 28 days to stick. There is research showing that it actually takes 3 to 6 months. I believe it all depends. So…
Don’t compare your journey with someone else’s - we’re all different amazing individuals, and we all work on different speeds. We also do things for different reasons. Don’t get yourself trapped in comparisons, because that will kill your goal!
Have a clear “why” - and by that, I don’t mean “because I want to lose weight” OR “because I want to be a better person.” These reasons won’t stick. Dig deeper: what’s this change going to provide to you? Personally, professionally? What impact will it have on your quality of life? Your relationships? Take notes and read that every single time you think about cheating or giving up.
Don’t assume you reached it - I’m glad I’m writing this post this week, because I can give you one more piece of advice based on my own experience: get ready for the psychological traps. As I told you in the beginning of this text, I was going very well for 6 months. No cheating (I mean, once a month maybe I would eat a slice of cheese, maybe a tiny piece of chocolate), way less complaining (I remember crying at the supermarket twice when it all started). I was so proud of myself. But November and December brought me a lot of anxiety with lots of things going on. I wasn’t ready for that… So I ate cheese (a lot of it), and some sugar. And I paid for it. Still paying, actually. So don’t assume you reached your goal, and put yourself at risk: if you’re feeling more anxiety, or sad, or PMS even, be aware of the self-sabotage that will come with it, and come up with tactics to fight it.
Avoid downward spirals - don’t let one day you skip the gym become a month without going. Same with your diet, or with journaling, or with studying, or anything else. Don’t let one “oops” be the reason you start getting sloppy about your goal. Forgive yourself today, go on tomorrow.
Focus on one day at a time - I think this is the most important. Focus on one day at a time. Tomorrow is another day, yesterday is already in the past. You only have today to make it count. And if it doesn't work, well, go on. Always go on.
The Fat Consciousness | Redemption
Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness talks! Last we met, I told you how my relationship with people had been. Before that, I opened my heart about how I grew up into an insecure human being. I briefly spoke about gaining and losing weight and I’m sure that this sparks curiosity. People always want to know what was the secret element that helped someone miraculously lose weight. As if we’re not tired of knowing the key is calorie deficit.
Since I can remember, I heard people limiting or censuring my servings, or the quality of what I was eating. Honestly, not “people” in general, it was mainly my parents and it was a very dual way where I had a big offer but had to find discipline and eat a little bit. This process helped “villainize” certain foods in my life - as I’m sure it happens in most people’s lives. Bread, chocolate, fried food, cake, cookies, ice cream… BAD BAD BAD! Like Voldemort, Evil Queen or Hades. Whichever reference suits you better.
By putting so much pressure under certain food groups, I grew up craving them the most. Because, you know - we desire what we can’t have. And if we don’t have good reasons to avoid it, we don’t understand WHY we can’t have them. Also, you might remember I mentioned food was a reward at home, so the emotional attachment I had to eating was aggravating my situation.
I had a journey of ups and downs - when I lost weight I would be extremely controlling of my intake and very active in the gym. These moments of full control were when I truly felt on top of my skinny happiness, being a (not that) skinny ass shark. My habits then used to be a bit too radical, and therefore, not maintainable in the long run (but I couldn’t see that).
Eventually life happened and I couldn’t keep up with the control. As a pleaser, I tend not to prioritize myself. I slowly would give up on me, making exceptions to eat unhealthy, skipping the gym. Suddenly the exceptions would become the norm and I was far from being a shark, becoming more like a scary fish lost in a sea of guilt.
So what was my “secret”, flipping the switch to a healthier lifestyle?
Well, I hit rock bottom. The lowest one possible (for my standard).
Between 2015 to 2018 I went from 180lbs to 262lbs. I was eating anything, anytime. I was working unhealthy hours at a very toxic work environment where I was trying to give my all for things I didn’t even understand (aka me, a Public Relations, acting as Bookkeeper). I was tense all the time, I was basically working 6 days per week + daily overtime. Needless to say I barely dated back then because I truly thought I had no time. I was swallowed by work.
A friend told me she was going to have bariatric surgery. My immediate reaction was “that sounds extreme, you can lose weight without it.” More than that, I thought to myself… I lost weight before with Weight Watchers, I can do it again. I don’t need surgery. Well it all changed a few months later when I noticed my breath would cut off during the nights, making me wake up several times and I started feeling a lot of pain in my feet to just simply walk (‘cause I wasn’t working out, anyways.) I was getting sick to my stomach with a lot of different foods and eventually felt chest pain that was very scary and also triggering.
I was just 28 years old. I shouldn’t be feeling so bad.
So I went to my primary doctor and she recommended I pursued the bariatric surgery process. At the same time that it was great to find a “solution,” it was a bit frightening to admit I went that far into losing myself. The main reason why I came to terms with the weight loss surgery was because it would quickly relieve the physical symptoms my obesity was causing me. It was also a chance to “reset” my stomach and my eating habits - after all you eat like a baby in the beginning.
I want to make two two things clear here: Being skinny was never my goal, I love being thick and curvy, so I opted for a surgery that wouldn’t take me to an extreme. I am very happy with my outcome; Secondly, I had a therapist approve me for surgery and did therapy from the day I came back home from the hospital.
Surgery for me had “souvenirs,” so I can’t eat carbs without having heartburn. Red meat is harder to digest and does not always sit well in my stomach. Sweets cause me to dump (basically they don’t last in my body, they’re expelled pretty quickly).
Do I regret surgery? Absolutely not.
Do I recommend it to others? Absolutely not - unless I know you and your story with weight loss - otherwise it would be extremely irresponsible of me. The only person who can recommend such a thing is your doctor.
Having the opportunity to reintroduce food slowly into my diet allowed me to reeducate my palate. Learn what suits me better, what sits more comfortably in my new stomach. What gives me satiety and what disturbs my digestion. Understanding and respecting my serving and limits, eating consciously to nourish my body.
Obviously, after 2 years of surgery, I had few of my triggering foods like most candy I used to eat before. They honestly don’t give me the same pleasure. Fried food bothers my stomach too. I became more critical about everything.
Before, I couldn’t understand exactly WHY I should avoid certain food groups. Now, I get it. I still don’t see food as villains because this still makes no sense. I try to understand the reason behind my cravings. In my case, they’re mainly psychological and they don’t need to be satisfied every single time. I had moments when I let my anxiety take over and opted to have a few too many Milano cookies. Spoiler: they never paid off.
The surgery made me more intimate with my own body. I learned how to hear it so I can take better care of it. Food has now the main purpose of nourishing, giving me the nutrients and vitamins I need to perform. I still love eating just as much as I used to before surgery. It’s a matter of priorities now. There is no point in having a bagel if I’m going to feel like a dragon right after spitting fire because of so much heartburn. And I’m 100% okay with it because I feel great without it.
Through my journey as a bariatric, I’ve learned how my mind is important to keep my body strong. The power will always lay in my mind. I chose to follow my diet, and I chose when I want to have a sweet. I understand the power of exceptions, but I know what is meant to be my rule. Now, I know how to take care of my body and respect it. I’m conscious about every single bite or sip I take. And that is because I want the best for me, inside out. I’m at my best moment. I know my limits and I honor my body. I take it to the gym, I feed it with good food, I dress it nicely. Because I am a curvy a*s shark in constant learning but always, always loving myself.
Disclosure: this post is not meant to serve as medical nor diet advice in any way.
Indie and Immigrant: a Testimony | Chronicles Of The Young Immigrant Women
Nalu Romano
Through the course of this I’ll be assuming you know who Lana Del Rey is. In case you haven’t been blessed by her religion yet, I sincerely suggest you’ll take a moment of your day to listen to the word of God. We both know you’ll do anything to escape your duties, or hell, or both, that’s most likely why you’re still reading my column – just do it. By the way, if you do read me, please let me know somehow. Doesn’t have to be a big feedback, an airplane banner will do. I feel alone here. I feel alone writing in english. I bet Lana Del Rey never felt alone in a language. Most likely because she invented it. And also because words seem to be dancing out of her mouth whenever she speaks. Although that’s very poetic it isn’t why I’m talking about her. Regardless of her sexy yet immaculate existence, what intrigues me the most about Lana is that she is a New Yorker, better said as Brooklyn Baby, who’s absolutely in love with California and will never leave somewhere else again. Imagine the guts (and butt) a woman has to have to actually trade public transportation for rented scooters. Imagine being happy everyday with this decision. Imagine your genetics were practically made out of the Brooklyn Bridge material yet you only write about San Francisco, like, what in the actual fuc*? Magically, she found her artistic place when she started to sign her love for the beach and palm trees and mustangs and west coast’s beers, all very tragically romantic. As tragic as should be every romance you have happening too far away from your mom. Now imagine living on the fault of your mom and San Andreas at the same time. Basically she’s living every immigrant’s dream: to be making money out of the drama that is being away from home but loving it. Lana Del Rey is not an immigrant nor should be treated as one – is the property in which she talks about the state she loves and lives, even though that shi* isn’t that magic at all, that blows my mind. I simply love the way she brings the lifestyle surrounding her to topic whenever she has a chance. I’m a New Yorker all the way and will never understand the perks of breathing fresh air. I love that tiny-and-soon-sinking piece of land. For two months I've been in Rio de Janeiro, writing about who I am when I’m here. Always Lana-Del-Reying my feelings for New York. Brothers and sisters, tragic is the only way possible to describe what it is to be geographically in love. Blessed be Rey. May the lord don’t open any more faults. Amen.