Self-esteem is not (just) about feeling beautiful

Since March 2021, I have been honored to write for the PodHer blog. Usually, I fill my articles with references and additional links. But today, I've decided to do something different, with a more personal story. I wanna talk about women's self-esteem, but not the one that you look in a mirror and say: "I'm f*cking gorgeous today." I mean the one that comes from within. 

So, let me start by saying that I'm not an authority when it comes to my own self-esteem. Even so, I was able to write an almost-400-hundred-pages-book about it. It made me realize it is easier going deep into issues that hurt you. Guess what? You are a specialist because you know all the fear, the shame, the tears, and those small steps you can take to recover your inner spark. 

I've been writing about female self-esteem for a long time without even noticing it. I worked in a prominent Brazilian website's lifestyle section some years ago, interviewing models and actors at fancy events. We talked about their beauty routines, skincare secrets, dietary sacrifices, and how many hours they spent at the gym weekly.

One thing I noticed, and the social media advent confirms, is that body dissatisfaction affects women of all sizes, races, and social classes. It's rare to find women who are 100% happy with their image. And being so critical about the image you see through the mirror often makes you question your value. 

I have always been interested in this topic because of my own issues. For most of my life, I felt that I should be skinnier. The problem is: I've never been a fat woman. And even if I were: what would be the problem? Would people love me less for that? Would finding job opportunities, boyfriends, and dresses that fit me in the fast fashion stores be more challenging?

Unfortunately, the answer is "yes" to some of those questions. We do live in a fatphobic society. But if even women who fit in the beauty standards don't feel comfortable in their skin (and I could prove that through dozens of interviews I've done throughout my career as a journalist), maybe we are laying our self-value in the wrong place. 

This knowledge gave me the feeling that I had something to tell, so I've decided to investigate what was behind all those beauty routines, diets, and plastic surgery interventions we do to meet those beauty standards. 

I wrote my first book during the Covid-19 pandemic and finally released it last January in Brazil. This is probably one of my life's most remarkable projects until now. Besides all I learned during this time, researching and interviewing several women, I could also learn more about myself. 

It was ironic to challenge myself to write about women's self-esteem when questioning my own. And it has nothing to do with my appearance this time. I had finally lost the four or five pounds that were bothering me, and I could tell I was in a good relationship with my body image. Still, I was far away from what we could call good self-esteem. I was insecure, full of doubts, and afraid.

The reason for this whirlwind of emotions was that before deciding to write a book, I faced one of the most challenging moments ever: leaving my job in Brazil and waiting for my work permit in the United States. 

Not working was not on my plans, so I panicked. What should I do with a forced break? What am I supposed to do with this "sabbatical" that life imposed on me? I spent all my life telling myself that time is the most valuable thing in the world, wishing I would have enough of it to implement all my plans someday. 

Then I had time. So what? 

After reviewing all possibilities and putting my whole professional trajectory in perspective, I decided to revive an old dream for which I never had time - to write a nonfiction book. I had not enough confidence to start a bold project like that. But I tried. 

In other words, being thin during those months was no guarantee to get my self-esteem back.

What really made me regain my self-esteem was to start to believe in my project, when I felt that women around me also believed in my book's value and encouraged me to keep writing. When I saw my book's cover for the first time. When I started to see people wanting to read my book, making comments about the chapters, sending me pictures of them reading and highlighting paragraphs.  

I want to reinforce that basing our self-esteem on appearance alone is a huge rip-off. We need to feel our inner power to be confident; that is the solid basis for self-esteem. This was the most valuable lesson I had during this period. 

Our biggest self-esteem booster is the ability to recalculate the route and dance with the challenges life imposes on us. It goes far beyond appearances, body shape, and Instagram likes. The real confidence comes from within.