People-pleasing: a very womanly way of life

I apologize if you are not a Friends fan; I need to start this article by describing a scene that clearly explains its main subject: people-pleasing behavior. So, let's do it. Monica realizes that she barely knows her neighbors. To fix it, she decides to make chocolate candies and place them in a basket at the front door, so everybody is welcome to enjoy them. 

The goal is clear - she wants to be praised for that. And the plan works. The candies become a hit, to the extent that a guy knocks at 4 am, begging for some remnant. Exhausted, she can't handle the unexpectedly high demand and starts to show signs of irritation and mental overload. 

It couldn't be any different since she sold to the neighbors a persona that she could not keep up. To top it off, people keep calling her "the candy lady," meaning they were not interested in knowing the person behind the gentle act.  

Feeling accepted and loved is adorable. But if the price for that is to put others' wills before yours, there is something wrong. 

Please, like me!

"She is so altruistic." "She gives her life for her family." "She is always up to help." She is so sympathetic/understanding/sweet. How many virtues fit the womanly stereotype of a "good girl"? The formula to please others is something very well nourished in raising girls. Historically, we have learned how to behave and hide our anger. Even better if we manage not to draw too much attention, as this may displease someone.

The fact that we're desperate to keep up with the current beauty standards is also related to those expectations. In a society that overvalues thin white women, aesthetic disobedience could be considered an insult. In order to get some "likes" - on Instagram or in real life - we sometimes forget to express our true selves. But who is winning this game? Our mental health indeed is not. 

I'm sorry for being me

If you don't know if you are a people-pleaser, I recommend you look at this list by Psychology Today. In general, a people-pleaser is the kind of person who is always apologizing, afraid they are not meeting others' expectations. They find the hardest thing is to say "no." 

Naturally, they feel responsible for the whole world's comfort and happiness, trying at all costs to prevent others from being frustrated. How? Through many attitudes.

Accepting invitations that they do not want to go; keeping their opinions to themselves; leaving others to make decisions for them, and avoiding conflicts. Trying to mirror others' behaviors and personalities, merging in the group as very easy-going people - almost impossible to dislike. 

I'm not saying people-pleasers are bad; on the contrary. In general, they are the sweetest people in the world. But all this kindness can hide enormous suffering. Grounding your life in others' needs, not yours, is like a prison. You accept to live overwhelmed with demands you have never created. 

You lower your value to adapt to others' expectations about you. Unconsciously, you apologize for being who you are, and this feeling can strip off your self-esteem and increase your stress levels little by little. 

Self-knowledge and boundaries: a successful match

"Learn how to set boundaries" sounds like a vague solution to escape the people-pleasing cycle. The question is: how? I advocate self-knowledge for most of our mental health and relationship issues, and here is no different. 

It's crucial to know yourself profoundly to understand your limits better. Knowing your principles, values, and pains makes it easier to regain the reins of your life and the autonomy to make decisions. 

Living in a more active way, rather than passive, brings a sense of freedom. And there is no more honest way to live than being authentic, honoring your true self. You can be surprised by how many people can like you exactly the way you are. 

"Treat yourself like the people you were always trying to make happy," says Kate Riggers in the "How to be an anti-people pleaser" TED Talk. I saved this sentence for the times that I inadvertently became the "candy lady" of my own life. 

Of course, we can offer candies trying to build a kinder world. But there is no shame in enjoying your candy alone sometimes.