Self-knowledge hurts, but it can set you free

"Ignorance is bliss." I would start this article by saying that this sentence totally makes sense regarding self-knowledge. But I will not, since I'm entirely fascinated by everything about it.

Tests to better understand our personalities, such as Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator or the Big Five, always attracted me. I love to check out memes about my sign, Aries (please, don't judge me!), and see myself in its many personality traits. I recently took a test to determine my dosha in Ayurveda medicine. It surprised me how much our physiological composition, food choices, and lifestyle impact our minds – for good and bad.  

But even though I'm open-minded about, let's say, more "alternative" ways of self-knowledge, what hits me more is therapy. I have been seeing the same therapist for a long time. It is not an easy path, but it's adorable at the same time. Our journey together helps me accept the particularities of my personality. Some of those I was utterly clueless about before meeting psychoanalysis.

Let's pick a practical example. I'm a child of a terrifically extroverted mom and an utterly introverted dad. Since I learned to talk, the comparisons with my mom began to increase. "How communicative/uninhibited/talkative/cheerful she is," they said. And they were right; I could check all those boxes. 

That's why it took me years to understand that my personality carries introverted characteristics (Thanks to my dad!). For instance: I'm not always that talkative. Despite my communicative skills, I am an observant and analytical person. I love to do things alone, but I also like people. I like good conversations, but I wouldn't say I like small talk. 

Those discoveries aren't effortless – overall, we are complex beings. But therapy helped me understand that "it's ok" to have all these characteristics mixed. In a world that pushes you to be social, to show up to be remembered, there is no space to be alone with our thoughts. However, the journey to our true selves can be valuable in times when people are so artificial.

Searching for authenticity in a standardized world

Instagram filters. TikTok trends. "Increase your followers with these five tips"; "Join the 5 am club to succeed"; learn "​​how to win friends and influence people." Every day, we have stimuli that invite us to do what everybody else is doing: following behavioral patterns. To a certain extent, joining the herd and fitting in on what the world expects from us is kind of comfortable. 

Take, for instance, beauty standards: women who don't bend down to them have a harder time in society — no wonder the plastic surgery industry is booming worldwide. Women constantly receive a clear message that something is wrong with their bodies. 

How can we be authentic in the face of a world that insists on standardizing us? How to embrace our "imperfections"? How do we look at our not-so-common characteristics and believe they are completely normal? There's no way to find those answers besides self-knowledge. 

You can choose therapy or your favorite method to become a specialist in yourself. Some people find this kind of acknowledgment through religion, meditation, reading, writing journals, talking to a good friend – or talking to themselves. Sometimes it's a combination of all of the above.

This process's best gain is learning how to think and make decisions by listening to your inner voice. As I wrote at the beginning of this article – this is painful. The herd mentality seems warmer and safer. 

But trying to live pursuing others' expectations about you is exhausting. If you don't pay attention, you will live a life you have never dreamed about. Especially for women, the expectations are higher: work, maternity, thinness, sex life, etc. It's easy to lose ourselves in those collective unconscious parameters and forget what we really want. 

Do I want to be a mother? Get married? Stay in this toxic relationship? Do I really want to work more to get a promotion, or do I prefer to make less money and have more time? Do I want to go to certain events, or am I trying to be part of certain groups? Does drinking alcohol every weekend bring me more joy or more suffering? Is going out at night good for me, or am I a more daytime person? Do I want to do CrossFit? Do I want/need to lose weight?

We must make decisions every second of our day – from the smallest to the biggest ones. It's an illusion to believe that by knowing yourself, you will never feel confused or make bad choices anymore. 

But self-knowledge can help you to feel more comfortable in your skin. It can also improve your confidence, creativity, and communication; and bring you healthier relationships. It's about accepting our particularities, failures, and "imperfections." 

It doesn't mean permission to stop evolving as human beings and keep making the same mistakes. But a realization that we can change some characteristics, but not all of them. And learn how to deal with the ones that we cannot change. Know how to deal with failure. 

It's painful to recognize in yourself, with a magnifying glass, all your shadows. But fortunately, what connects us as human beings is our vulnerabilities, not our supposed perfection.