Fear of Missing…What?
If you've never suffered from FOMO (the Fear of Missing Out) in the social media era, count yourself lucky. Especially for anxious people, it's not always easy to make decisions and be 100% satisfied with them. FOMO, for those who are not familiar with the term, is that feeling that you're spending your days with minor things while the rest of the world is having its best time on this planet. I reflected on it on a recent trip to Hawaii.
I started watching videos like "top 10 tips to do in Maui ". Meanwhile, I received some tips from friends. The options are endless. "Go snorkeling at that beach"; "If you want to see turtles, you have to arrive early at that place"; "Don't miss the whales - it's the season!"; "Don't miss the opportunity to drive along this highway to see waterfalls". And so on.
Of course, I gladly received all the tips and took lots of notes. Trying to follow the script for the first two days, I completely ignored the beach located two minutes from my hotel. In my search for new adventures, I got rain, traffic, crowded beaches, and difficulty parking.
The good news is that it's impossible to waste time in that state. Hawaii is like an unforeseen-proof paradise: even when you "make a mistake" you end up in an incredible spot that wasn't even in your plans. But my trip started to pay off when I decided to stay on the beach next to my hotel.
In the first 30 minutes there, I saw a giant turtle. So, I decided to go snorkeling and saw tons of fish of all colors, shapes and sizes. And, of course, at sunset, guess what? Yes, a wonderful show of whales and their calves.
In short, everything that I needed was there. I felt 100% present in the moment, as I hadn't felt in a long time.
FOMO x-ray
The trip is a metaphor for life, and the source of FOMO often has a common origin: the fear of missing opportunities and getting disappointed. Sometimes, it is safer to bet on the herd effect: "If everyone is doing it, it's because it's right, it's because it's cool. Then, I will avoid frustrations". It seems that, more and more, we want to remain in a state of euphoria. But we forget that disappointment, boredom, and the unexpected are also part of life, and they also teach us a lot.
Moreover, following the herd is not always a good option. We can distance ourselves from our true essence, confused about what we really want out of life. Get married and have kids? Backpacking around the world? Adopt a dog? Go to trendy restaurants, shows, and parties? Open your own business? Waking up at 5 am to make your day more productive?
We are used to images of success, and happiness formulas that the Internet makes us believe are real. And this is one of the most harmful symptoms of anxiety generated by FOMO. I invite you to ask yourself: do you want these things, or is FOMO making you believe you do?
Social media has a vital role in this scenario, as studies show. Many researchers have already concluded that people who suffer from FOMO usually have the most screen time. This is not exactly breaking news. But other than blaming social media, we may find inside ourselves some ways to be more present.
Meet FOBO and JOMO
For those who want to get rid of FOMO, I recommend exploring a little more two interesting acronyms: JOMO (the Joy Of Missing Out) and FOBO (the Fear of a Better Option). The first one needs no explanations: it is the opposite of FOMO. In other words: it is the feeling of joy to be left out. It's the ability to be happy with your choices, despite what your family or friends are doing.
After all, we are talking about decision-making. And here, I want to talk a bit about FOBO. It is a concept created by Patrick Mcginnis, the "father" of FOMO(*). He argues in his book "Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision-Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice" that we often have the perception that something much better is happening out there. As if better options are available, and we're not realizing it. And so we miss the opportunity to evaluate the positive points of the experiences we are living.
He invites us to have a question in mind when we are stuck in the anxiety to do everything simultaneously. Look at the situation and think: "Is there enough good?". If the answer is "yes," you already have the best decision in your hands. It's not about being too comfortable; it's about valuing what you have at the moment without thinking that it could be better.
To conclude, I want to highlight how important it is to keep ourselves loyal to our values. When you know what is essential to you, you will not feel shaken by the decisions of others. It is important to remember that each person has a unique way of interpreting the world. Being true to your own way is one of the biggest antidotes to FOMO.
(*) Patrick McGinnis is considered the father of FOMO and FOBO because he coined those terms for the first time in a 2004 article published in "The Harbus," the student newspaper of Harvard Business School. He is the author of "Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision-Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice" and hosts a podcast on this subject.
Listen to be heard
Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash
I'm a Big Brother fan. In Brazil, my home country, this reality show is a big deal. While half of the population brags that they prefer to read a book than watch such a despicable piece of entertainment, the other half watch it every day and talk about it on Twitter for months. I'm in the second group.
The first two days of this TV show are the worst. Desperate to be in the spotlight, the "brothers" talk non-stop simultaneously. It's almost impossible to understand what they are talking about due to overlapping voices, screams, and exaggerated laughter.
At the end of the first week, things start to get better. That's when we can see the true personalities behind the characters from day one. When they begin to hear each other, we can also listen to them.
What I love most about a TV show like this is observing human behavior (Stanford Experiment says hello!) and how people's attitudes and decisions are similar to real life. And the ability to listen with attention and empathy is increasingly scarce — on TV and in life.
That emptiness feeling
People need social connections to thrive. Studies show that feeling connected with others decreases anxiety and depression levels. It's good for our self-esteem and can even have physical benefits, increasing longevity. On the other hand, loneliness can be hazardous to our mental health.
We need to be heard and know how to listen to feel this kind of connection.
When we are in a chat, and an interlocutor doesn’t seem too interested, we feel emptiness. We can feel lonely even though we are not alone. See if you've been through any of these situations:
→ You tell something to a friend and, before you finish, they start to talk about a similar experience. "OMG, I've been in exactly the same situation last week." When they finally finish, you have already lost the train of thought.
→ You say something to a friend, and they reply, "it's not a big deal" because what happened to them is "much worse." (I wonder if some people believe they are in a suffering championship).
→ You have "breaking news" about your life to tell your friend. But they cannot stop checking their phone. Or, even worse, they suddenly change the subject, proving that they were not on the same page as you.
→ You are very engaged on a subject, and your friend keeps saying vague sentences like: "I see"; "I've been there;" "Don't worry, you'll be fine."
If you have already experienced some of those situations, or if you realized that you are a "bad listener" sometimes, don't feel bad. It’s more complex to be a good listener than most people think.
I believe that most of the time, we are trying to show empathy by telling a similar situation, trying to soften rough news through even more painful experiences, or spreading cliché sentences.
But to practice effective listening, there are good techniques. I found exciting suggestions in this article in the Harvard Business Review. Nonetheless, human interactions don't go well with rules. On the contrary: the more natural, the better.
That's why I would like to highlight the sentence that ends its article:
"(...) the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the other person that a trampoline plays for a child. It gives energy, acceleration, height, and amplification. These are the hallmarks of great listening."
In other words, nothing is better than genuine interest. Authentic connections are the ones that spark a feeling of fullness and acceptance.
As important as being a good listener is to identify among people that surround you which ones can offer this level of reciprocity. Sometimes we choose to walk side by side with people who want attention only for them, which drains our energy.
Life is not Big Brother, but, as in the TV show, everyone has the right to be in the spotlight once in a while. It makes us feel that, in that single moment, someone is watching us as if they were watching their favorite reality show: with attention, curiosity, and a keen ear.
Never give up?
To know the right time to quit could be the smartest thing to do for your mental health
Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash
You start to read a book or watch a TV show, and, after a while, you conclude: you didn't like it. You try, insist, but still feel that you are wasting your time. What do you do? Do you interrupt it, or, instead, go through with it?
Those are minor issues, of course, but consider applying the same concept to other spheres of life. Relationships that are no longer going well, "but we've been together for so many years...". Jobs that don't make sense anymore, "but I may be close to a promotion." Endless professional improvement courses, often in areas that no longer fit into our lives. And so on.
Experts named this phenomenon as "sunk cost fallacy." It happens when we force ourselves to keep on anything that we once invested time, energy, and emotional effort into. It's not easy to give up on something that we raised expectations of. Also, it is common to feel that, doing so, we are throwing away the entire journey. We tend to interpret the decision to quit as a failure.
A strong woman image is typically associated with those who can manage all the roles magnificently; the professional, the mother, the wife. Extra points for those who accomplish the beauty standard, with active social, and burning sexual lives. This is what the media shows us as successful women. It's not a coincidence that the "Don't give up" mantra takes a considerable place in our minds.
I chose to write about expectations last January, mainly because we make thousands of resolutions at the beginning of the year. Frequently, we have to make concessions to achieve it. After three months, I can say that I've already crossed off several items from my own list.
I believe this has to do with the very nature of being a woman - to try to do more than we can handle. But, also, with the "no pain, no gain" culture. Stories with "happy endings," that is, people who gain prominence in their field, invariably go through the hero's journey. These are narratives loaded with suffering and deprivation of all kinds (sleep, money, quality of life) in the name of a great goal.
The "grand finale" is the podium, the top of the world! Our society is obsessed with the first place. You cannot be average; you have to be the best. The first place is always celebrated; the second, forgotten. In this scenario, it's common to feel like a failure or a "loser" when we give up on something.
To write about it reminded me of a Netflix series that completely subverted my perception about this subject. "Losers" presents eight real-life stories of athletes who made huge mistakes or just bad choices. Instead of focusing on the humiliation, the episodes show how they rethought their careers and changed their lives. It shows that, sometimes, failure can be a blessing. Those are very inspiring narratives. But I still find it challenging to know when to give up.
There are useful tips around, though. One of the things I found most realistic is to think: "what is done is done." It’s worthless to sacrifice your future trying to recover what you invested in the past. Overall, do you want to spend more time, money, and energy on something that is making you unhappy?
Another way to find an answer is the so-called gut feeling. We know the answer most of the time, but we keep attached to an idea, maybe because we fear others' opinions. We are afraid of not fulfilling the roles that are expected of us. In a Bustle magazine article, Lara Rutherford-Morrison came up with a sharp tip. If the idea of giving up on something brings relief to you, probably you already have the answer.
After all, what helps me more is a sentence that my sister (who acts as a therapist sometimes for me!) said to me. "Try not to think of giving up, but, instead, of reorganizing your priorities." I found this statement very powerful! It's important to remind ourselves that we have the right to change our minds and choose a different path anytime. Something that is a priority right now could be meaningless tomorrow.
To think this way may not lead us to the top of the world. But it will set us free for sure.
About expectations
Balancing expectations for the year ahead is tough but necessary
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Talk about expectations in the first month of the year - such a cliché, right? Let me tell you something in advance: I'm not an expert on this subject. In fact, I'm quite the opposite - I'm always trying to manage the fantasy scenarios that I create in my mind. This is exactly why I chose to write about this at the beginning of 2022.
We all know that January represents hope for those who believe that a new year brings 365 new opportunities. After everything we have experienced in the last two years, expectations are even bigger. Most of us have big plans, looking forward to resuming the lives that we paused due to the pandemic. Keeping an optimistic mind is a good thing. Still, we have to be realistic: the Covid-19 crisis taught us, by force, that our "dream script" is not always within our reach.
Knowing to calibrate expectations is similar to dealing with frustrations. Sometimes, our plans don't go as we envision. It could be a long-awaited event that was canceled, or turned out to be boring. An unsuccessful job interview; a change of address that did not happen; a relationship that didn't work out as expected. An unforeseen health issue that forces you to change your routine. And, of course, sometimes, we get frustrated with ourselves.
Anyway, frustration is in everybody's lives. The secret is how we prepare ourselves for these unwanted route changes. It's always helpful to have a plan B. But, to protect our mental health against all the anxiety around this time of year, it's important to set more achievable goals.
In that sense, I found a practical tip: lists. I know - this is not big news. But I'm not talking about that kind of list that we used to do in January, with abstract intentions like "be healthier" or "save money." I'm talking about simpler but tangible tasks.
This idea is not new either, and there are even some methods to do it more efficiently. Like the SMART method, which stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Timely. I recommend you to learn more about it if you are facing a hard time getting out of the cycle of procrastination. Here, I will focus on the "S" letter.
Big plans carry big expectations. And it is not uncommon to think that we need a vast revolution to reach a particular goal. Like the "be healthier" thing. What does it even mean? Be able to run a marathon? Quit drinking? Don't eat fast food ever again?
How about being nicer with you and thinking about minor adjustments that can be affordable? It's hard to sustain drastic changes in the long term. It's easier to give up and then get frustrated with yourself. So, baby steps.
Maybe instead of making an extensive list for 365 healthier days, with vague goals, try to organize just the following week. What about a daily short walk or a bike ride to a less sedentary day? A 10-minute stretch in the morning upon waking up to activate the joints? A colorful and delicious salad for dinner, trying a new recipe? Being proud of those small accomplishments is a good antidote against the anxiety generated by high expectations.
Gratitude vibes alarm
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
Another tip about this subject is gratitude. Thanks to the toxic positivity that we see every day on Instagram, this word has been misused. However, we could use some gratefulness after those two challenging years.
When we have high expectations about a relationship or a situation, it's because we want to make the most of that experience. Of course, it is nice to project good feelings about our plans. But it's not possible to have just memorable experiences. Unlike what social media makes us believe, regular life has good and bad days. Good and not-so-good relationships, meals, jobs, trips.
In "Fear of Missing Out: Practical Decision-Making in a World of Overwhelming Choice," Patrick J. McGinnis, the creator of the acronym "FOMO," introduces another concept: FOBO. The "Fear Of Best Option" is "an anxiety-driven urge to hold out for something better based on the perception that a more favorable alternative or choice might exist."
In the book, he explains that we lose a lot (time, energy, money, happiness) when we keep following the illusion of perfection. When we have so many expectations about all the available options out there (and we still don't have them), we cannot see what we already have here.
In other words, when we are concerned with reaching high expectations, we are not content with the things we have already achieved. So, be grateful for what you have today. Overall, if we are here, it's because we are survivors. And we have a brand-new year ahead.
Burnout Society
Is everybody tired...or is it just me?
A few years ago, I developed a habit I can't get rid of: I'm always reading two or three books at once. It's the same with TV shows. It doesn't matter how attached I am with one series; as soon as I discover that a new season I was waiting for is available, I immediately start to watch both simultaneously. I feel that I'm cheating on the characters, but I can't avoid it. Definitely, I'm not a monogamist when it comes to content consumption.
This pattern is also present in my daily activities. It seems wiser for me to try to combine tasks: cook while watching an interview or a lecture; do physical activities while listening to a podcast; check Twitter during the few seconds that the elevator takes to go from the ground to my floor. It’s possible to disconnect and relax, but oddly unnatural. Mainly because I'm a writer, everything that I watch, read, and listen to turns into work material.
Multitasking has long been praised as a female trait, but eventually, we discovered that this "special power" just makes us feel tired and insufficient. The feeling that we are not doing enough is something shared by millions of people.
It's not exactly a surprise that the word "burnout," which was first recognized as a psychological diagnosis in 1974, is a trend almost fifty years later. "The Burnout Society," written and launched by the Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han in 2010, returned to the spotlight.
The World Health Organization (WHO) doesn't classify it as a medical condition, but as an "occupational phenomenon,"characterized by "feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion; increased mental distance from one's job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one's job; and reduced professional efficacy." There is a forecast that, as of 2022, the WHO will classify the condition as a work-related illness, which could remove the "blame" from employees for their own exhaustion. In this scenario, companies can be held responsible for the condition in labor lawsuits.
Whether or not you meet all the requirements for this diagnosis and beyond work-related concerns, latent exhaustion is affecting people worldwide. There is plenty of research that indicates the rise of the number of burnout cases and psychological issues linked with fatigue. Besides that, another feeling may make us feel overwhelmed; called "languishing," defined by Adam Grant as a "sense of stagnation and emptiness" in this New York Times article.
It seems understandable after all the stress, sadness, and grief due to the pandemic. But maybe it's time to start to practice some self-compassion and recognize that we need to slow down.
"No pain, no gain": really? In 2021?
In "Can't Even: How Millennials Became The Burnout Generation" (2020), Anne Helen Petersen addresses the possible reasons why we are so tired. One of them is the generational conflict between Boomers (born 1946-1964) and Millennials (born 1981-1996). The former raised the latter (their children), telling them that degrees and hard work are the only paths to have financial stability. Indeed, "the American dream" was reachable for certain groups in the past.
But now, the world is different. After Covid-19, the global economic crisis extensively increased social inequality and unemployment. The "lucky ones" who have a job have to deal with poor working conditions, low wages, and high competitiveness.
Meanwhile, social media is an invitation for comparison, making us feel that our success or failures depend only on our willpower. The "no pain, no gain" culture is the icing on the cake for capitalism. There is no more effective way to press people to work harder than guilt.
Although hard work doesn't guarantee financial security anymore, people feel the obligation to perform all the time - even during leisure moments -, showing off their "best self." Thanks to the motivational coaches epidemic that exploded recently, and, of course, to the influencer culture, with the enactment of their supposedly perfect lives. Thus, if you gained weight during the pandemic or missed a work deadline, you know: it's only your fault. You didn't do enough. That's what they say.
The toxic positivity in social media measures our worth in "likes". In this scenario, it's tempting to try to do what everyone else is doing, not considering our context and particularities. And that's what's making us sick, increasing depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug abuse, insomnia, loneliness, digital addiction, and so on.
Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash
Keep an eye on the signs
In this Harvard Business Review article, professors Margaret M. Luciano and Joan F. Brett warn that it's easier to avoid a burnout crisis than treat it, so they list several indicators that can be a red flag. Knowing that, maybe you can pay more attention to your inner signs.
Furthermore, if you are experiencing exhaustion, you can find ways to cope with this and gradually recreate a healthier routine. You can try some experts' tips, like the usual but powerful ones: cultivate meaningful relationships; do a digital detox, and see a therapist if you feel that you can't manage it.
One of the most important, though, is knowing how to set limits and say "no." And it's not just about work, but also about the boundaries for friends, relatives, and loved ones. Above all, it's crucial to set limits for ourselves. We can't attend all the events, read all the books, or keep up with all the series. I'm telling it to myself.
I'm trying to learn something from people who already suffered from burnout and shared their experiences through their books. My reading list grows, and Byung-Chul Han is there, waiting for me to read him. But, right now, I just can't because I'm a little bit tired.
Women are better together
I have a friend who doesn't consider herself a "feminist." However, I see her as a great womankind supporter. She buys from the woman who makes artisan bread. She babysits a friend's daughter, so her friend can have a "child-free Friday night." She reads my articles and constantly reminds me that she's proud of me.
My mother has the same behavior. I can bet that she never read a single Simone de Beauvoir book, but she has always taken care of women around her for as long as I can remember. She does groceries for the sister-in-law who is facing financial problems. Bakes a cake for a niece who is depressed. Buys vegetables from the woman who owns a small vegetable garden.
I had these thoughts after binge-watching Maid (*), a Netflix series that has been causing a buzz for addressing critical issues like domestic abuse, homelessness, and the American social services bureaucracy. Also worth mentioning is the excellent acting of Andie MacDowell (Paula) and Margaret Qualley (Alex), who are also mother and daughter in real life.
For me, what's most remarkable in this story is the value of a support network in a woman's life. Something that Alex, the main character, has none of. He is a single mom with no money, no loyal friends. No relatives with solid mental health; not one single shoulder to cry on. It turns out that everything is harder for her. She often sees herself profoundly alone.
Credit: Unsplash (Hannah Busing)
Stronger together
In Portuguese, my native language, we use the word "sorority" to define companionship, sisterhood, and mutual help between women. I don't believe we have to support a woman just because she's a woman. Sometimes we get disappointed, and it's essential to know the right time to give up on a relationship, whether it's a friend or a relative, for our mental health’s sake.
However, we should never forget that we still live in a patriarchal system, which profits from the fantasy of women's competition. Therefore, I genuinely believe that women are better together.
After finishing Maid, I engaged myself in a deep reflection loaded with self-criticism: Am I offering enough support for the women who make part of my life? The following thought was: what can I offer, with my current non-stable mental status?
So, I reminded myself that I'm good at listening, and I always make sure (at least, I try) to make that clear to the women I care about. I can tell that, sometimes, active listening is the best medicine that we can give to each other.
Vulnerability can be a gift
Everybody feels lonely sometimes. For immigrants, like me, it's a familiar feeling. You don't belong to your home country anymore, nor to the country that you choose to live in. Your family and your long-term friends are miles away.
But my loneliness is not unlike the women who raise their children alone. Or who feel lost after a divorce. Women who make less money than their male partners in the job market, despite all their effort. Women who are battling eating disorders. Women who belong to minority groups, struggling to have their voices heard.
Women are fighters.
It doesn't mean that we need to hide our weaknesses, though. To show our vulnerabilities, here and there, is liberating as sometimes people don't know what is going on in our lives.
Recently, I declined to attend a birthday party of a close friend (the one in the first paragraph). Of course, I could make up an excuse. But I was 100% honest: "Sorry, my dear. I don't feel good this week. I'm not in the mood for a big party, with many people. You are special to me, so, I promise that, very soon, I will cook something delicious for you." (Giving people homemade food is one of my ways to show love).
She was utterly understanding and said. "Don't worry! I've been there. Next week we will go out for coffee". It was a small chat that brought warmth to my heart.
When we find support, we recover the sense of belonging, which decreases symptoms of depression and hopelessness. It can make you restore your self-esteem and find your best self.
So, if you are facing a dark moment, ask for help. From your mom, sister, a friend - no matter if they are physically close or far from you. You can also find a support group; this is even easier through social media (oddly enough, social networks have something good!). And it's crucial to give it back: offer support for women.
When I feel that I'm not being supportive enough, I try to seek inspiration from my female heroes: my mom, my sister, some good friends, and Gloria Steinem - the queen! It makes me feel stronger.
Try to find - and to be - good female support. We sure know how to do that.
(*) "Maid" is Stephanie Land’s bestselling 2019 memoir adaptation, streaming now on Netflix.
Overthinker
Overthinking will not make your problems disappear
A TikTok trend about anxious minds caught my attention recently. In the images, you see a woman on a regular day – watering plants, having a black coffee, or trying to fall asleep. In the background, she is narrating her thoughts, saying things like: "OMG, I had an entire cheesecake yesterday"; "I should call my dad"; "What if I had accepted that job offer?"; "I have almost no friends"; "Am I depressed?".
I frequently see myself in this cycle, overwhelmed by my reflections, and found out that there is a name for it: "overthinking." It's a common habit among anxious people, whose cause some experts explain as a "chicken or egg question." People with poor mental health can be overthinkers, while overthinking can trigger mental health issues.
So, I asked my therapist: "are there some people who think more than others?". In other words: "Am I… special?". She kindly gave me a fascinating neurological explanation, pointing out that our neural connections are much more complex than this. She also warned me that thinking and overthinking are not the same.
It totally makes sense to me. While thinking evokes reflection and problem-solving, overthinking is related to rumination about even the tiniest life details. Overthinkers are more prone to obsessively devote themselves to events that happened in the past or will happen in the future (Voilá! That's how an anxious mind works!). They can review – over and over – situations and dialogues that they had; or worry too much about events that might come.
Control freaks
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Behind an overthinker mind is the desire to control things and avoid suffering. It's as if, thinking hard, we could imagine all possible scenarios so that we always feel safe. But life is not like that; life is unpredictable. I have a personal story that taught me a lot about it.
When I first moved to San Francisco, California, I felt a small earthquake. It was 2 am, and I woke up feeling like the building was crumbling. The day after, I talked to many friends who have lived here longer than me, and most of them said something like: "Oh, that? It was 4.2. It was nothing!". One of them told me: "I don't get out of my bed for anything less than 5". I was shocked, terrified, and could not believe that those people were fine living in a place where the earth shakes!
It turned out that I spent the next two months overthinking earthquakes. I could not sleep anymore. Finally, I realized that there's nothing more unpredictable than natural disasters, and an earthquake is possibly the one thing in the world that I have less control over in my life. Thinking about it will not prevent it from happening.
Then I started to focus on what I could control: buying an earthquake safety kit and living in a less risky neighborhood. And that's all that I can do. Of course, I still think about it, but I can sleep now because I know I did what I could.
In short, overthinking is a counterproductive habit because we cannot control the past or the future. Most of the time, not even the present.
Are you an overthinker?
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In an Inc Magazine article, psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of "13 things mentally strong people don't do", explains that overthinking is different from self-reflection, when we are trying to learn something to become a better person; or problem-solving, when we are searching for solutions to our issues. She lists 10 signs that you are an overthinker, so you can check it to see if you relate to the symptoms.
One common thought among overthinkers is the "what if" question. "What if the plane crashes?"; "What if I had been more solid in that discussion?"; "What if my friends misunderstood what I said yesterday?". Again: it's impossible to control everything, especially what people think about us.
To anxious people, it is hard to stop this whirlwind of thoughts sometimes. But it's essential to make a conscious effort to train the brain before it becomes a habit. Studies show that ruminating is linked with stress, depression, and anxiety and can be very harmful to your mood and sleep quality.
Experts also say that overthinkers can procrastinate more and become paralyzed when faced with decisions.
How to stop the cycle
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There are many tips to stop the ruminating cycle. One of the funniest (but maybe I'll try) is the one that tells you to choose a time of day for overthinking. It may work; I imagine that it could bring some sense of control. Or you can try the opposite, cleaning your mind with meditation or writing down your thoughts.
Another good option is to distract yourself with activities that put you in a positive mood, like hobbies, physical exercises, reading, or listening to music. Maybe talk to a friend about it so you can have another point of view.
The most important is to recognize the pattern and try to bring your thoughts to a conscious level:
What am I afraid of?
Are those thoughts helpful? Are they bringing me good insights, or just more anxiety?
Are those thoughts real or just a fantasy? (Our brain is excellent in imagining catastrophic scenarios)
Is there something that I can do to solve this situation? Or is it out of my control? If the answer is yes, do it. If it is no, leave it. Overthinking by itself is useless.
More than that, ask yourself why you are overthinking a specific subject; or why your mind is working so fast? Try to understand what is behind this pattern to work on the cause, not just the symptom. Self-acknowledgement seems to be the answer for most of our emotional issues. Professional help could be necessary.
Finally, it's important to remember that our brain can always learn new habits. It's all about training, as I could prove it to myself. I am still overthinking about millions of other issues, but every time I feel that I'm spending too much energy/time on a single thing, it turns on my "earthquake alarm." Sometimes our need for control shakes a little – and it's okay.
Small Changes
Reframing the routine can be the way out in the face of uncertainty
Several people that I know made significant changes in their lives during the pandemic. Some changed their relationship status; others switched jobs; moved to other neighborhoods or cities. Some used the benefit of the home office to spend more time in their parent's houses; or even to have a nomadic experience in different places.
I've pretty much been doing the same since March 2020, when the lockdown began. I cannot complain, of course: I took some short trips since I live in California and there are plenty of deserted places that I could escape to and practice social distance in the middle of nature. Plus, I'm vaxxed and have all my basic needs met.
I'm conscious that these are enormous privileges, given that more than half of the world's population is not vaccinated, and thousands of people are suffering right now from unemployment, food insecurity, and grief due to Covid-19. Still, I feel that my brain craves some novelty. Should I blame myself for feeling that way?
Yes, the guilt is real, but I think that, at some point, life has to resume. Talking with some friends about it, I discovered that it's not just me. One feeling shared among many people is that the pandemic seems not to have an end.
When we finally started seeing vaccine progress, new variants and anti-vax people emerged. We feel powerless and cannot control our lives - as the world is still holding the "pause" button.
While some people saw this period as an opportunity for significant changes, others feel stagnant because of several factors like financial insecurity, fear, family problems linked to the pandemic, etc. The rise of anxiety and depression symptoms rates shows that people are, indeed, mentally exhausted. There is a familiar feeling that the days are all the same, in an endless and monotonous routine.
Routine is good, but so does breaking it
Credit: Unsplash
It is important to note that routine can be a good thing, though. Several researchers claim that having a daily schedule alleviates symptoms of mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety symptoms, and bipolar disorder.
Recently, listening to a podcast, I heard from a psychologist that routine could make our lives make sense. She spoke something like: "To know 'when' is one of our biggest existential questions". Meaning: routine brings us an illusion of predictability, a safety feeling.
The thing is: the pandemic took it from us because "when" became a massive question without a simple answer. Plus, we are still following a forced routine, not a chosen one. Our home, which should be synonymous with comfort, sometimes looks like a prison. We lost our freedom and spontaneity, even to break the routine by making small or big plans.
Maybe the path, right now, is to try to "makeover" our routine, searching for some newness with things that are within our control.
Small changes, big improvements
Since I noticed that there are many things that I cannot change in my routine right now, nor can I plan a noteworthy innovation, I started to think small. I picked the tiny things that I can control, and started to do minor improvements in my routine to feel that something new is happening.
I started with the classic "craving a change" act: I dyed my hair. Then, I tried to rediscover my neighborhood. I went to a grocery store that I've never been to before - and it's just three blocks away from my home. There, I discovered several products that I can't find in the store that I usually go to.
I've made small modifications at home, too. I rearranged my workspace, moved the furniture, and redecorated it with plants and family photos. It brought me a "new view" inside my own home. I also made a small investment in new pillows. Actually, I should change the mattress, but I can't do it right now, so I started humbly. It improved my sleep quality by 80%. That's progress!
There is a scientific basis as to why we like new things so much. Some studies show that novelty makes us happy because the brain interprets it as a potential for reward, that is to say, something pleasurable. Fresh, new, and unfamiliar stimuli activate dopamine neurons, improving our memory and learning capacity - since it is an excellent opportunity to make new neural connections and enlarge our brain's plasticity.
I can tell myself that these recent little new experiences made me feel more creative, less anxious and put me in a better mood. Here are some tips for minor changes that can play a significant role in your mental status:
On the weekend, take 10 or 15 minutes to plan your meals for the week ahead. You will thank yourself when you find out that you don't have to overthink preparing your food (and, consequently, use food apps less often).
Wake up ten minutes earlier and do something for yourself: stretch your body, meditate, read ten pages of a book, or just have some coffee without external stimuli such as TV or cell phone.
Take a short walk after lunch. If you have a dog, even better: take them with you.
Learn something new that has nothing to do with your work.
Buy a new plant. They make the home more beautiful and alive.
Rearrange furniture.
Buy a new photo frame and put one picture that brings a good memory.
Clean a drawer.
Give away clothes that you are not wearing anymore.
Try a new recipe - and, if the result is good, give some to a friend.
In a moment when we cannot control big things, thinking small may be helpful. We can allow ourselves to make some changes with safe practices and empathy for those in a worse spot than us.
When the world gives us no option to see massive and extraordinary perspectives, we may try to honor the small pleasures in our ordinary lives.
Using food to deal with your feelings? Learn more about emotional eating
Eat less, work out more. Until very recently, this formula was considered the only path to control our hunger and weight. In the past, the idea that our body works mathematically was a consensus. The diet culture taught us that we'd have problems with the scale if we eat more than we burn. So, we better shut our mouths, right?
Fortunately, times have changed, and thanks to science, we already know that eating habits go way beyond that.
A person's weight and needs regarding what, when, and how much they eat are very specific. And it depends on a million factors, including genetics, gender, financial conditions, sleep quality, and so on.
One of the most important is emotional status. The Covid-19 crisis put us in a very stressful place, and it affected the way that we eat. Some studies show that many people had used food to smooth out negative feelings during the pandemic.
Specialists describe hunger that is not related to physical needs, but to feelings, as "emotional eating."
You open the fridge and think: "I need to eat something. But I don't even know what and why." You probably already have experienced something like that at some point in your life. Everybody does.
People use food to comfort themselves against absolutely everything - anger, sadness, loneliness, boredom, anxiety, fear.
Food could be a good friend - the one who never abandons you.
Food, love, and comfort
Remember in how many movies you see the classic scene where the girl is thrown on the couch eating a giant ice cream bowl after her boyfriend broke up with her?
Although it seems a misogynist representation of women - as if we are always left behind by men - there is some truth to this. Some studies show that women are more likely to eat "unhealthy" (*) foods when facing stress than men.
And why ice cream and not a vast and fresh lettuce salad? Well, there are some biological explanations for why we prefer sugary, salty, and fatty foods when we are upset. One of them, it's because this kind of food hits our reward system and increases the production of dopamine hormones, which gives us an immediate feeling of pleasure.
Another answer is that when we are under stress, our brain requires more energy. The best and quickest way to get this is eating simple carbs, as the brain researcher and diabetologist Achim Peters explains in this article on Scientific American.
But it's also essential to consider the social role that food has occupied in our lives. We have been rewarded with food since birth. Baby cries, and mom gives them milk. Children show good behavior so that they can have dessert. Birthday party? Food. Job promotion? Food. Open house? More food.
Food is good. And our brains know that. Then, nothing is more natural than seeking a good piece of pizza or our favorite chocolate when we feel down.
From innocent episodes to patterns
The problem of emotional eating starts when it becomes a pattern. Eating comfort food in every stressful situation could change our food routine, leading to obesity and chronic diseases.
Emotionally speaking, it's also bad because overeating can bring guilt, sadness, and self-depreciation. Besides, it becomes increasingly difficult to understand the proper hunger signals.
Therefore, if you face this kind of problem, I have a question for you: can you tell when you are physically hungry and when you are just trying to fill the emotional gaps with food?
If you are lost, the first important thing to do is to figure out the difference between emotional and physical hunger.
Physical hunger shows symptoms like headache, dizziness, irritation, stomach pain, weakness, trembling. Also, when your body is asking for energy to keep working, you are up to eating any food.
Emotional hunger, on the other hand, it's more like: "I deserve to eat something delicious because I had an awful day." So, probably you are more prone to throw yourself on candies, snacks, or fast food - overall, your brain is asking: the quicker, the better!
Now, suppose you identified that what you are feeling is emotional emptiness. In that case, you can try to go deeper to understand the reasons behind these cravings.
In this article, Evelyn Tribole, a renowned dietician and co-founder of the Intuitive Eating movement, spread some reflection questions to understand feelings better.
There are plenty of ways to cope with emotional eating. One idea is food diaries, which can help you better understand the triggers that lead you to eat more than usual.
Another one is mindful eating, an excellent tool to keep you focused and appreciate meal times more consciously.
Those are good alternatives, according to specialists. Still, most of them reinforce the importance of self-acknowledgement to ending the emotional eating cycle.
So, if you are eating your feelings regularly, consider seeing a therapist. Ice cream is good, but it feels even tastier when you understand what is going on inside your mind.
(*) I use the word "unhealthy" between quotes because this concept of "bad" and "good" food is out of date. There is a broader notion nowadays between nutritionists who study eating behavior that putting food in these categories brings more doubts and guilt. Every food is good inside a moderate and balanced diet.
After a long wait, we got vaccinated. Now what?
New York Magazine recently had a cover story about reopening anxiety. "The Return of FOMO," says the headline, with a photo of a girl looking at the horizon accompanied by millions of thoughts, all of them linked to the endless possibilities that start from now on: the return of shows, restaurants, events, parties, and, above all, meeting larger groups of people.
The worry caused by waiting to be vaccinated still is a reality for millions of people around the world, unfortunately. But, here, especially in the states where the number of vaccinated people are progressing (like California and New York), a new type of anxiety is growing among the lucky ones who are fully vaxxed, and it's about resuming the "old normal."
Last year, we taught our brains new habits of what we called "the new normal", such as social isolation and the omnipresence of masks and hand sanitizer in our lives. When these behaviors finally are in automatic mode, we are again facing a paradigm change, which brings us some discomfort.
Despite the vaccine, there is still a general fear and uncertainty hanging in the air. We know so little about the new variants and the long-term side effects in people who have already been infected. Some people also feel insecure because most of their relatives haven't been vaccinated yet (this is my case, since my whole family lives in Brazil).
We understand that the vaccine doesn't solve all our problems, and returning to the life we used to have is not automatic.
If you are also feeling this way, don't worry; you are not alone. According to the American Psychological Association report 49% of Americans said they don't feel comfortable resuming personal interactions when the pandemic ends. And it's easy to understand why.
Back to the cave
Post-pandemic anxiety has drawn specialists' attention. Some of them use the term "cave syndrome" to feature the struggle to return to social life. This is not an official disorder, recognized by the DSM-5, but it helps us to name this confused feeling: while part of us wants to return to our old social habits; the other part wants to stay in our comfy caves.
During the pandemic, many people completely changed their lifestyles for the better. Of course, I'm talking about the ones who kept their jobs and worked from home. Overall, with all the guaranteed basic needs, it was even possible to have some advantages to their ‘new lives’.
For instance, remote work allowed some people to migrate from urban centers to more distant places, infinitely cheaper and quieter, and with luck, even closer to nature.
Some managed the hours once spent on the commute in a more balanced routine, with healthier eating habits, more hours of sleep, daily physical activity, and some time for hobbies.
Finding small pleasures inside the home was also an excellent tool to preserve mental health during this period. Cleaning, gardening, playing with the dog, or baking a cake have become some of these precious joys, once forgotten when we used to be distracted by the outside world.
And what about the beauty rituals that we could just let go, from the moment we didn't have to "perform" for anyone? Several women discovered that they don't want to dye hair, apply nail polish, wax, or use tight and uncomfortable clothes ever again.
Suddenly, we allowed ourselves to spend a weekend binge-watching series, guiltlessly, without the fear of missing out. Everybody was doing the same (or at least they should have been), staying inside the cave to stop the virus spread, right?
Anyway, there was no longer the urgency of the weekend; no more excuses for the parties you didn't want to go to but felt obligated because "everyone would be there." All of a sudden, staying in the cave became super fun and comfortable.
There is light at the end of the cave
Ok, your cave is warm and perfect, but so is life outside. In-person connections are essential for our well-being, so what about finding a middle ground? Here are some tips from specialists.
→ First, don't blame yourself for feeling anxious. It has been a hard time, so it might take a while for your brain to learn the new social codes.
→ Try not to compare yourself. It's not because your friends are already feeling comfortable going to crowded places that you must feel that way. Each person has a different rhythm and way of looking at life.
→ Go slow. If you do not feel ready to go to a place with many people, try a coffee with just one friend. Then, little by little, increase your social interactions accordingly with your needs.
→ Use the quality over quantity rule. After a year, we could recalibrate our relationships. Now we know who the party friends and the true ones are. And this is a good thing, right? Now you can ask yourself: do I need to say "yes" to every person, to every event? Would it be better to have a smaller number of experiences with a higher quality of exchange? There is no better time to ask these questions than now.
→ Seek professional help if you realize that you can feel stuck at home. You can find more information about different anxiety disorders (including Social Anxiety Disorder) in this link.
Lastly, every time you feel anxious, try to celebrate the gift of being vaccinated. Believe me: this is still a privilege for few.
Do you still believe in Instagram happiness? Well, think again
I have a friend who is very active on social media. Upon noticing that her last post was in March, I was worried and messaged her. "Are you ok?". She replied: "I'm completely fine! I'm on a trip with a friend and took a break from Instagram."
It was such a relief to know that she was enjoying real life. At the same time, I was surprised at how I used Instagram as a kind of parameter of well-being. After all, to what extent do I believe in mere photos - or the lack of them?
I'm a curious researcher about the impact of social media on our mental health. At this point, I should not be deceived by what I see on my feed because I'm pretty conscious about the fact that posts are just a fraction of one's life.
This seems even clearer when I think about countless acquaintances who are the opposite of the friend I mentioned in the first paragraph. They are miserable and empty in real life but, on Instagram, all they share is joy, success, and namastê.
Fake smiles
Researching the reasons that lead people to have a "persona" online, which does not always correspond to reality, I found this article. It brings an "experiment" proposed by the writer and podcast host Tracy Clayton in 2018, on Twitter.
"I'm curious. If you're comfortable doing so, post a picture of you that you shared on social media where you were actually having a really tough time in life even though you look perfectly fine in the picture", she wrote.
Several followers answered her with pictures of smiles, accompanied by captions that explain the context before the click. There are stories about financial problems, anxiety crises, panic attacks, breakups, eating disorders, chronic illness, postpartum depression, bullying, sexual assault, and even suicidal thoughts.
I felt that those people were trying to escape reality through those fake smiles. It is worth checking the stories, just to confirm that we all have vulnerabilities.
Fake perfect life
I'm not suggesting that there is no truth on social media, or that everybody is superficial; nor that we should start to share misfortunes. I do believe that we can get some positive feelings from Instagram, Twitter, or TikTok.
Photos of paradisiac places and happy moments could be a big source of inspiration. To see images of cute puppies could bring us a smile on a boring day, right? And what would become of us without the fun of social media? Humorous posts can be a sweet form of criticism and invite us to reflect.
What matters, overall, is to be able to identify if your social media consumption is affecting your emotional status for good or bad, as researches show.
Especially during the pandemic, when some people followed the social isolation, some not, some pictures could trigger comparison and rise symptoms of depression, loneliness, anxiety, and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out).
So, have you tried to unfollow that friend who lives a fake life, and, instead, follow who inspires you in a good way? Have you tried to use these tools less passively, and more actively, to make true connections?
When well-used, social media can bring us a sense of community, support, life satisfaction, and knowledge.
So, forget about the "perfect life" that some people show there. And, more than that: if you miss a friend, call them, or send a private message.
Don't rely on photos. Technology is wonderful, yes indeed, but the most meaningful things still occur in real life.
Back to reality
Here are some documentaries to help us to see social media more realistically.
Fake Famous - 2021 (HBO) It shows how easy it is for a regular person to become a successful influencer, by buying followers and manipulating a fake life on Instagram.
Fake Famous - 2021 (HBO)
It shows how easy it is for a regular person to become a successful influencer, by buying followers and manipulating a fake life on Instagram.
The Social Dilemma - 2020 (Netflix)Explores the behavioral and mental impacts caused by social networks, based on interviews with experts and former big tech companies employees like Google, Facebook, and YouTube.
The Social Dilemma - 2020 (Netflix)
Explores the behavioral and mental impacts caused by social networks, based on interviews with experts and former big tech companies employees like Google, Facebook, and YouTube.
Social Animals - 2018 (Prime Video, Apple TV and others)Follows the high and lows of three young people who search for fame and acceptance through their online life exposure.
Social Animals - 2018 (Prime Video, Apple TV and others)
Follows the high and lows of three young people who search for fame and acceptance through their online life exposure.