The Fat Consciousness | Redemption

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness talks! Last we met, I told you how my relationship with people had been. Before that, I opened my heart about how I grew up into an insecure human being. I briefly spoke about gaining and losing weight and I’m sure that this sparks curiosity. People always want to know what was the secret element that helped someone miraculously lose weight. As if we’re not tired of knowing the key is calorie deficit. 

Since I can remember, I heard people limiting or censuring my servings, or the quality of what I was eating. Honestly, not “people” in general, it was mainly my parents and it was a very dual way where I had a big offer but had to find discipline and eat a little bit. This process helped “villainize” certain foods in my life - as I’m sure it happens in most people’s lives. Bread, chocolate, fried food, cake, cookies, ice cream… BAD BAD BAD! Like Voldemort, Evil Queen or Hades. Whichever reference suits you better.

By putting so much pressure under certain food groups, I grew up craving them the most. Because, you know - we desire what we can’t have. And if we don’t have good reasons to avoid it, we don’t understand WHY we can’t have them. Also, you might remember I mentioned food was a reward at home, so the emotional attachment I had to eating was aggravating my situation.

I had a journey of ups and downs - when I lost weight I would be extremely controlling of my intake and very active in the gym. These moments of full control were when I truly felt on top of my skinny happiness, being a (not that) skinny ass shark. My habits then used to be a bit too radical, and therefore, not maintainable in the long run (but I couldn’t see that).

Eventually life happened and I couldn’t keep up with the control. As a pleaser, I tend not to prioritize myself. I slowly would give up on me, making exceptions to eat unhealthy, skipping the gym. Suddenly the exceptions would become the norm and I was far from being a shark, becoming more like a scary fish lost in a sea of guilt.

So what was my “secret”, flipping the switch to a healthier lifestyle? 
Well, I hit rock bottom. The lowest one possible (for my standard).

Between 2015 to 2018 I went from 180lbs to 262lbs. I was eating anything, anytime. I was working unhealthy hours at a very toxic work environment where I was trying to give my all for things I didn’t even understand (aka me, a Public Relations, acting as Bookkeeper). I was tense all the time, I was basically working 6 days per week + daily overtime. Needless to say I barely dated back then because I truly thought I had no time. I was swallowed by work.

A friend told me she was going to have bariatric surgery. My immediate reaction was “that sounds extreme, you can lose weight without it.” More than that, I thought to myself… I lost weight before with Weight Watchers, I can do it again. I don’t need surgery. Well it all changed a few months later when I noticed my breath would cut off during the nights, making me wake up several times and I started feeling a lot of pain in my feet to just simply walk (‘cause I wasn’t working out, anyways.) I was getting sick to my stomach with a lot of different foods and eventually felt chest pain that was very scary and also triggering.

I was just 28 years old. I shouldn’t be feeling so bad.

So I went to my primary doctor and she recommended I pursued the bariatric surgery process. At the same time that it was great to find a “solution,” it was a bit frightening to admit I went that far into losing myself. The main reason why I came to terms with the weight loss surgery was because it would quickly relieve the physical symptoms my obesity was causing me. It was also a chance to “reset” my stomach and my eating habits - after all you eat like a baby in the beginning. 

I want to make two two things clear here: Being skinny was never my goal, I love being thick and curvy, so I opted for a surgery that wouldn’t take me to an extreme. I am very happy with my outcome; Secondly, I had a therapist approve me for surgery and did therapy from the day I came back home from the hospital.

Surgery for me had “souvenirs,” so I can’t eat carbs without having heartburn. Red meat is harder to digest and does not always sit well in my stomach. Sweets cause me to dump (basically they don’t last in my body, they’re expelled pretty quickly).

Do I regret surgery? Absolutely not.
Do I recommend it to others? Absolutely not - unless I know you and your story with weight loss - otherwise it would be extremely irresponsible of me. The only person who can recommend such a thing is your doctor.

Having the opportunity to reintroduce food slowly into my diet allowed me to reeducate my palate. Learn what suits me better, what sits more comfortably in my new stomach. What gives me satiety and what disturbs my digestion. Understanding and respecting my serving and limits, eating consciously to nourish my body.

Obviously, after 2 years of surgery, I had few of my triggering foods like most candy I used to eat before. They honestly don’t give me the same pleasure. Fried food bothers my stomach too. I became more critical about everything. 

Before, I couldn’t understand exactly WHY I should avoid certain food groups. Now, I get it. I still don’t see food as villains because this still makes no sense. I try to understand the reason behind my cravings. In my case, they’re mainly psychological and they don’t need to be satisfied every single time. I had moments when I let my anxiety take over and opted to have a few too many Milano cookies. Spoiler: they never paid off.

The surgery made me more intimate with my own body. I learned how to hear it so I can take better care of it. Food has now the main purpose of nourishing, giving me the nutrients and vitamins I need to perform. I still love eating just as much as I used to before surgery. It’s a matter of priorities now. There is no point in having a bagel if I’m going to feel like a dragon right after spitting fire because of so much heartburn. And I’m 100% okay with it because I feel great without it.

Through my journey as a bariatric, I’ve learned how my mind is important to keep my body strong. The power will always lay in my mind. I chose to follow my diet, and I chose when I want to have a sweet. I understand the power of exceptions, but I know what is meant to be my rule. Now, I know how to take care of my body and respect it. I’m conscious about every single bite or sip I take. And that is because I want the best for me, inside out. I’m at my best moment. I know my limits and I honor my body. I take it to the gym, I feed it with good food, I dress it nicely. Because I am a curvy a*s shark in constant learning but always, always loving myself.

Disclosure: this post is not meant to serve as medical nor diet advice in any way.