Every woman has her cry

Abused.   Vilified. Monitored.  Raped. DISMISSED. Judged.                                             

Ignored...              Made invisible     Hit.   Murdered.          Silenced.                                    Subjugated.

"Nós", by Ocí Ferreira

What’s the cycle of violence for each woman?

The question isn’t if it happens, but when, how and how often? How to be apart from each one of them to struggle with the increasingly inaccurate reality and reheated daily doses of goals to be met? The deadline doesn’t leave room  for the dream to shine. Neither dignity finds place on the technological runway of consumption and happiness. The imperfect body is not a fit anymore for a soul that craves for more. The value of the work doesn’t belong to you. A clean house, it’s the least you are supposed to do. Your money doesn’t belong to you.

At times, domestic violence arrives in a sneaky way and adapts very well in the relationship dynamics experienced by a huge part of the couples. The result of a historically sexist and patriarchal society that, since ancient civilizations, relegates women to the responsibility of reproductive and domestic activities and restricts their bodily and lives autonomy, sediments its existence in the commonplace that finances are better managed by rationality and resistance to the impulses towards consumerist waste that only a man can have, being seen as the natural and indisputable designation for keeping accounts up to date and making decisions.

Often, domestic violence is hidden under the veil of care when a woman has her salary withheld by a partner through the allegation of  better control of the bills; when she is told  she shouldn’t work outside to dedicate herself to household chores; when one effectively forbids her from having a formal job; when some document or good is retained; when one controls your cell phone, violating your privacy and restricting your freedom to communicate with friends and family.

There are subtle ways – others not so much – that make it difficult for victims of domestic violence to recognize themselves in such a place. It rarely occurs isolated, being accompanied by other types of violence such as physical and/or psychological, making the path of rebuilding dignity and trust even more difficult. Following the awareness and keeping in mind that this woman will remain immerse in a capitalist and patriarchal society in the very short term, how can she have minimum conditions to survive considering she has been deprived – maybe during all her adult life – of professional experiences that would allow her to acquire essential skills for the job market?

Sometimes, for us women, all we can do is scream. Release that internal cry which leads us to movement, to a place of hope and to the fight for a more dignified future. When many say “no!”, shout, and say “yes!”. Knowing that won’t be easy and staggering in some moments, get up and start over.

“Lift up your eyes upon; This day breaking for you; Give birth again; To the dream.”

Maya Angelou     

The development of a small business is a way many women found to generate autonomous income. In addition to the historical and conjectural obstacles to entering the formal job market, the impossibility that many have to be absent full time to care for the home and children, they take advantage of some previous skill in the areas of gastronomy, woodworking, sewing or beauty and aesthetics, among others, to boost the initiative, using, often, a room in the house as a space for service or working exclusively online. 

Of course, contrary to what the hegemonic discourse suggests, entrepreneurship isn’t for everyone, and it’s an illusion to think that you can get rich quickly and easily. Without study and preparation, most just survive. In Brazil, as an example, the internal report “Survival of Brazilian mercantile companies” indicates that 21.6% of small business (ME– in the acronym, in Portuguese) and 29% of individual small business (MEI) close after five years of operation activities. Training focused on small-business management, financial education, customer service or online marketing can be essential to financial sustainability in the medium and long term.

A successful example is the work developed by the Brazilian civil society organization Aliança Empreendedora (Entrepreneurs Alliance). It offers content, development tools and free online courses for low-income microentrepreneurs. The digital platform ‘Tamo Junto’, winner of the MIT Solve Global Challenge 2020 award from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) is available on its website. It’s possible to enroll in certified courses with a central focus on women, such as Financial education for women entrepreneurs,‘Innovating in times of crisis and‘Digital marketing for women entrepreneurs.

Furthermore, in partnership with the International Organization for Migration (IOM) and funding from the United States Agency for International Development (USAID), within the scope of the Oportunidades Project, the 'Tamo Junto' platform has won its Spanish version, 'Estamos Juntos', so that the Hispanic-speaking migrant population in Brazil can carry out training with greater ease. This initiative seeks to respond to specific demands that migrants or refugees may have in the process of adapting and building financial autonomy in a new country.

In his book Days and Nights of Love and War, Eduardo Galeano conveyed the peculiar reality of exile as follows:

“Suddenly, you are under foreign skies and in lands where people speak and feel differently, and even your memory doesn’t have people to share nor places to recognize yourself in. You have to fight with all you have to earn your living and your sleep, and you feel as if you were crippled, with so much missing. You're tempted to whine, the viscous domain of nostalgia and death, and you run the risk of living with your head turned backward, a living death, which is one way to prove that a system which scorns the living is right. Ever since we were children, and in the hypocrisy of funerals, we have been taught that death is something that improves people.”              

Street War, Soul War    

Well, in addition to the living and sleeping,  as women, we must fight to have a voice.

Mentoring programs that encourage knowledge and skills sharing among women, generating a continuous network of support and solidarity, can also be crucial for the economic emancipation of all – some even providing for the delivery of seed capital for the participants to stimulate their businesses. The sense of community combined with a safe space for exchanging experiences and ideas enhances trust and hope for better days. In a world where competition reigns, to cooperate is to revolutionize.

Even not representing immediate changes in the patriarchal structure from which arises the several types of violence against women, including domestic, the examples of the initiatives presented in this article appear as possible alternatives to women that seek financial independence. And emotional. So that they don't hurt us anymore. In addition to smiling, we have the right to scream. Scream when we wake up and our first thought is how we will survive the day. Scream when laying down is no longer pleasurable or when the body aches in anguish. Scream, so our souls can bleed, after all. 

Every woman has her cry. And no, we're not crazy.

The Fat Consciousness | Redemption

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness talks! Last we met, I told you how my relationship with people had been. Before that, I opened my heart about how I grew up into an insecure human being. I briefly spoke about gaining and losing weight and I’m sure that this sparks curiosity. People always want to know what was the secret element that helped someone miraculously lose weight. As if we’re not tired of knowing the key is calorie deficit. 

Since I can remember, I heard people limiting or censuring my servings, or the quality of what I was eating. Honestly, not “people” in general, it was mainly my parents and it was a very dual way where I had a big offer but had to find discipline and eat a little bit. This process helped “villainize” certain foods in my life - as I’m sure it happens in most people’s lives. Bread, chocolate, fried food, cake, cookies, ice cream… BAD BAD BAD! Like Voldemort, Evil Queen or Hades. Whichever reference suits you better.

By putting so much pressure under certain food groups, I grew up craving them the most. Because, you know - we desire what we can’t have. And if we don’t have good reasons to avoid it, we don’t understand WHY we can’t have them. Also, you might remember I mentioned food was a reward at home, so the emotional attachment I had to eating was aggravating my situation.

I had a journey of ups and downs - when I lost weight I would be extremely controlling of my intake and very active in the gym. These moments of full control were when I truly felt on top of my skinny happiness, being a (not that) skinny ass shark. My habits then used to be a bit too radical, and therefore, not maintainable in the long run (but I couldn’t see that).

Eventually life happened and I couldn’t keep up with the control. As a pleaser, I tend not to prioritize myself. I slowly would give up on me, making exceptions to eat unhealthy, skipping the gym. Suddenly the exceptions would become the norm and I was far from being a shark, becoming more like a scary fish lost in a sea of guilt.

So what was my “secret”, flipping the switch to a healthier lifestyle? 
Well, I hit rock bottom. The lowest one possible (for my standard).

Between 2015 to 2018 I went from 180lbs to 262lbs. I was eating anything, anytime. I was working unhealthy hours at a very toxic work environment where I was trying to give my all for things I didn’t even understand (aka me, a Public Relations, acting as Bookkeeper). I was tense all the time, I was basically working 6 days per week + daily overtime. Needless to say I barely dated back then because I truly thought I had no time. I was swallowed by work.

A friend told me she was going to have bariatric surgery. My immediate reaction was “that sounds extreme, you can lose weight without it.” More than that, I thought to myself… I lost weight before with Weight Watchers, I can do it again. I don’t need surgery. Well it all changed a few months later when I noticed my breath would cut off during the nights, making me wake up several times and I started feeling a lot of pain in my feet to just simply walk (‘cause I wasn’t working out, anyways.) I was getting sick to my stomach with a lot of different foods and eventually felt chest pain that was very scary and also triggering.

I was just 28 years old. I shouldn’t be feeling so bad.

So I went to my primary doctor and she recommended I pursued the bariatric surgery process. At the same time that it was great to find a “solution,” it was a bit frightening to admit I went that far into losing myself. The main reason why I came to terms with the weight loss surgery was because it would quickly relieve the physical symptoms my obesity was causing me. It was also a chance to “reset” my stomach and my eating habits - after all you eat like a baby in the beginning. 

I want to make two two things clear here: Being skinny was never my goal, I love being thick and curvy, so I opted for a surgery that wouldn’t take me to an extreme. I am very happy with my outcome; Secondly, I had a therapist approve me for surgery and did therapy from the day I came back home from the hospital.

Surgery for me had “souvenirs,” so I can’t eat carbs without having heartburn. Red meat is harder to digest and does not always sit well in my stomach. Sweets cause me to dump (basically they don’t last in my body, they’re expelled pretty quickly).

Do I regret surgery? Absolutely not.
Do I recommend it to others? Absolutely not - unless I know you and your story with weight loss - otherwise it would be extremely irresponsible of me. The only person who can recommend such a thing is your doctor.

Having the opportunity to reintroduce food slowly into my diet allowed me to reeducate my palate. Learn what suits me better, what sits more comfortably in my new stomach. What gives me satiety and what disturbs my digestion. Understanding and respecting my serving and limits, eating consciously to nourish my body.

Obviously, after 2 years of surgery, I had few of my triggering foods like most candy I used to eat before. They honestly don’t give me the same pleasure. Fried food bothers my stomach too. I became more critical about everything. 

Before, I couldn’t understand exactly WHY I should avoid certain food groups. Now, I get it. I still don’t see food as villains because this still makes no sense. I try to understand the reason behind my cravings. In my case, they’re mainly psychological and they don’t need to be satisfied every single time. I had moments when I let my anxiety take over and opted to have a few too many Milano cookies. Spoiler: they never paid off.

The surgery made me more intimate with my own body. I learned how to hear it so I can take better care of it. Food has now the main purpose of nourishing, giving me the nutrients and vitamins I need to perform. I still love eating just as much as I used to before surgery. It’s a matter of priorities now. There is no point in having a bagel if I’m going to feel like a dragon right after spitting fire because of so much heartburn. And I’m 100% okay with it because I feel great without it.

Through my journey as a bariatric, I’ve learned how my mind is important to keep my body strong. The power will always lay in my mind. I chose to follow my diet, and I chose when I want to have a sweet. I understand the power of exceptions, but I know what is meant to be my rule. Now, I know how to take care of my body and respect it. I’m conscious about every single bite or sip I take. And that is because I want the best for me, inside out. I’m at my best moment. I know my limits and I honor my body. I take it to the gym, I feed it with good food, I dress it nicely. Because I am a curvy a*s shark in constant learning but always, always loving myself.

Disclosure: this post is not meant to serve as medical nor diet advice in any way.

8 Black Female Writers You Should Add To Your Reading List Right Now

Words can change everything. They’re a powerful tool to educate and inspire, even more when we’re talking about Black female writers. For countless years, only Black male writers were considered successful or relevant to produce literature, although women have been moving us with their books for centuries. Regardless of all male achievements and the old sexist perceptions, more and more Black women are featuring as (excuse my language but they deserve it!) badass contemporary authors.

Fiction or nonfiction, romance or drama, you name it: I want you to add to your all-I-need-to-read-next list the following 8 Black writers who are making history not just in America, but conquering this patriarchal world with the impact of their stories. Truth to be told, I could have brought hundreds of names who are empowering readers planetwide, but this blog post would be endless(!!!). Check out my main list and I promise you that, before you finish reading, I will give you some more incredible Black writers to search about - and fall in love with.

1 - Coretta Scott King

It is an honor to start my list presenting a civil rights’ icon: even though Coretta was best known as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s wife, she left her legacy as a leader advocating for a big nonviolent social change and a self-proclaimed feminist. Her first book “My Life with Martin Luther King, Jr.” was published in 1969, but her work was recognized just long after her death, in 2006. “My life, my love, my legacy” came to life in 2017 by Rev. Dr. Barbara Reynolds, one of her best friends to whom Coretta confided never-before-told aspects of her life, as well as the importance of standing up for justice being an inspirational heroine in her own right. 

2 - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

The voice of Black feminism, Chimamanda is one of the most important authors on race and identity. She has a list of books, poems and short stories that are spreading her thoughtful ideas for a nondiscriminatory, feminine and equal future for all of us through education and social inclusion. “We should all be feminists”, “Americanah”, “Half of yellow sun”, “Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions”, and “Purple hibiscus: a novel” are some of her ‘manifests’ about Black women’s empowerment.

3 - Carolina Maria de Jesus

‘Favelada’ is the Brazilian word for ‘woman from the ghetto (favela in Portuguese)’. With a background of poverty and only two years of schooling, Carolina Maria became a groundbreaking author when she published her own daily journal in 1960. “Child of the Dark: The Diary of Carolina Maria de Jesus” remains a vivid social document that became a best-seller in North America and Europe - described by The New York Times as “both an ugly and touchingly beautiful book”, also translated into 13 different languages.

4 - Toni Morrison

The first African-American woman to win the Nobel Prize in Literature, in 1993, Toni is a profoundly insightful writer who walks us through political and social moments at the same time that enhances us being a novelist of the Black identity in the U.S., especially about Black women experiences. Add to your list: “Beloved”, “Sula”, “Song of Solomon” and “The Source of Self-Regard: Selected Essays, Speeches, and Meditations”.

5 - Imbolo Mbue

“Behold the dreamers” is Imbolo Mbue’s debut novel that brings to the light details about the lives of Cameroonian immigrants living in NYC. The book has been receiving high praise since Oprah chose it for her book club, and after hailed by The Washington Post as “the one book Donald Trump should read now because it illuminates the immigrant experience in America with the tenderhearted wisdom so lacking in our political discourse”.

6 - Morgan Parker

Well-known as one of her generation’s best minds, Morgan Parker writes poems with intelligence, humor and her singular black-hearted vision. She brings a funny and contemporary exploration of Black womanhood in “Magical Negro” and “There Are More Beautiful Things Than Beyoncé”.

7 - Safiya Sinclair

“Cannibal” put Safiya in the spotlight. The Jamaican writer holds important awards for this poetry collection about the devastating and beautiful renegotiation of the English language, especially against the Black and Brown peoples they colonized. 

8 - Daina Berry & Kali Gross

Two award-winning historians came together to create a vibrant statement that reveals stories of African-American women building their own community to fight oppression, racism and sexism. “A Black Women's History of the United States” goes beyond single narratives to raise different voices from enslaved, religious, activists and queer women.

To keep diving into Black female authors’ words, you can also search for Maya Angelou, Angie Thomas, Octavia Butler, Nicola Yoon, Zadie Smith, Ijeoma Oluo, Morgan Jerkins, Brittney Cooper and Zora Neale Hurston.

Living By Choice: What It Really Means

Through the course of our lives, we make decisions. Everyday, all the time. But have you ever asked yourself if the decisions you're making are truly coming from a place of consciousness? Why did you pick this particular outfit you’re wearing today? Why is your favorite color green, not blue, and how did you end up in the career you have right now? Would you like to get married, and why do you want to have children? The question about the outfit is probably the easiest to answer...

If we thought about all our decisions the same way we think about our #ootd, we would have a completely different life. But we often don’t see our decisions as what they really are: choices. We don’t question ourselves, we go with the flow. It hurts to say that most of us are living a life in default mode, and not realizing it until way down the road.

I started questioning my goals in life in my early 20s, when I realized that I was following a sort of script: graduate, work, find a man, get married, have babies. That’s the “natural course of life” -- not for me. As an elder millennial who grew up in South America, dropping out of school to live abroad 10 years ago, I was TOTALLY off a script that had no room for improvising. 

Back then, I thought it was “a crazy adventure” I was diving into. But I came to realize I was actually embracing my role as the writer of my own story, and stepping towards the freedom of making my choices with intention. I was about to start living my life by choice, by design. And beginning to learn how to live up to my own expectations, not the expectations of others. 

The concept of living by choice is to take control: of your life, your mind, your body. It’s about making decisions that come from a place of “want and desire,” rather than from a place of “should” or “have to.” Think like this: you’re in a boat (your life), and you can either be the captain (take control), or let it sail on its own (with the wind deciding your destination). Although it can be fun to let go (and that’s a way of life, too), I’d rather be the captain of the boat (my life) and of course, leave some room for the unexpected (because sh*t and life happens). 

Now that you know the concept, let’s talk about what it takes to live by choice:

Living by choice requires self-awareness.

That’s where it all starts. There are lots of “shoulds” out there, and to live with intention, you gotta know what you want, and why -- not what you should or should not do or be. So your answers will come from you, your desires, your own expectations. It’ll come from a place of consciousness. Here are a few things you can ask yourself:

Do I really want ________?

Why do I or don’t I want ________?

What is it going to bring, add, or change in my present and future?

How does it affect/will affect my life?

Living by choice requires practice. 

The journey (yep! journey!) of living by choice begins when you decide to be intentional about your decisions. And because this isn’t something you learned growing up, or at school, it’ll take time to adapt. You learned all these rules and beliefs about yourself and the world, and what it means to be here. So the practice will be deconstructing the patterns you’re used to. You gotta remind yourself that you’re in control, and that it’s ok to be. And that reminds me of…

Living by choice requires self-love. 

Because if you don’t love yourself enough, you’ll give up. Living up to our own expectations is difficult -- especially as a woman. Not everyone is interested, in fact, most individuals would rather follow the recipe of life (that’s how I call living a life by default, because you’re following a recipe!), and they’ll try to convince you their way is right -- which is true, but it’s right for them, not for you. You have the right to live life on your own terms, and to make your decisions based on what you want for your future. So love yourself hard! You’ll need it. And stick to your choices, they’re your choices.  

Big or small, our choices are shaping our future. 

Remember that, big or small, we’re making choices on a daily basis. And those tiny ones are not to be taken for granted. The food we feed our body and the thoughts that fuel our mind; the amount of water or alcohol we take; how we spend our time, money and energy. These are also things you gotta be intentional about, and prioritize. It’s ok to cut some things (or people) from your life.

To go from “I have to” to “I want to” takes work, as you see. Even though I’ve been living by choice and practicing intentional living for a while, my decisions are still far from being 100% intentional. In fact, I'd say that I'm 30% there. It takes a lot of practice + self-awareness to live by choice, not by default. As I said, it’s a journey. It’s not easy to break the patterns of our society, of our own beliefs. It can be overwhelming. But fighting these battles will reward you with true freedom, in every single meaning of the word, that you haven’t experienced before. Trust me.

Scars: A Body Map of Rediscovery and Self-esteem

Scars tell a story. I have this vivid memory of me as a kid playing near the fire pit during the St. Peter Holidays in the little farm I grew up in in Northeastern Brazil, where it is tradicional to barbecue cashew nuts. That night, I got too close to the splashing oil from the nuts and had a third of my right leg burnt. The scars never faded away, neither did my frustration and shame of having scarred legs. Which led me to forever wear pants no matter how summery the weather was. It is hurtful and traumatic to go through life in a society where beauty standards are impossible to meet.

This reality is changing though, because people began to share their struggles and fears. To enlighten this conversation, I have interviewed with a couple of impressive women. Nathalia, who was born with a condition called Nevus— a birthmark that fills up one's body and face with what they call a mole on the skin, and Marianne, a breast cancer survivor who had gone through a double mastectomy in 2014. Their scars tell a story. To learn them is to heal. 

Scars are like maps. They can be gentle reminders of our whole trajectory. Our victories and losses. And they all are a huge constellation that constitutes us. However, it's vital to reflect on the role these scars play in our lives, because even though they're an important piece of our story, we are who we are in spite of them.

Acceptance is an everyday job. We will face good and bad days in the process of healing and accepting ourselves. Nathalia has gone through nine facial surgeries that resulted in asymmetrical facial features. "I don't see that my face is asymmetrical. I am Nathalia.", she declares.

We must teach our children empathy and acceptance. People will see you for what you put out there. Naturally, there will be people who won't be able to see that, but that is not on you. That's on them. Nathalia remembers her childhood as the hardest time. From the age six to eight, she recalls kids bullying her by calling her by the names of horror movies characters. "Bullying is an act of power.", Nathalia enlightens. 

Social Media holds togetherness. The internet world naturally reflects both good and bad human behavior; however, it is a powerful tool that we must use to our advantage. Marianne recalls earlier in 1994, when she first learned about her diagnosis, that there was no social media and she didn't know anyone who had cancer. Years later, she would create an IG account to share her artistic work, a cathartic way to alleviate the pain from radiation. "My art tells other women that they are not alone in this.", she says.

Our scars don't define us. In 2018, Nathalia started talking on her social media channel about her condition. "When I talk about it and I am vulnerable, people respond in a positive way.", she attests. After her first appearance in a conference in Chicago with other people who also have Nevus, Nathalia's desire to inspire others began to grow. That's how she met EmpowHer NY and, after being invited to talk in one of our TakeOvers, Nathalia has been invited several times to give speeches where she would share her story and inspire others. Finally, in 2019, she founded Loving My Dots.  She has also participated in a very prestigious event called The Real Catwalk that happens in London annually and brings together everybody who has any sort of physical condition. Loving My Dots has grown, it's featured in the magazines and thousands of people have reached out at her to either thank or congratulate Nathalia for the extraordinary work she's doing.

The change begins within us. To Nathalia, acceptance is the word that defines most of her story. It is part of the healing process to mourn our wounds, but it is valid to perceive them in a way that can be uplifting and cheerful. Both can be true. It comes a moment though where one will hold us back from living a fulfilling life and the other will help us move forward. To Marianne, it is hurtful to realize that everything she knew was taken away from her; however, to realize that "There is light in the end. It is going to get better." kept her moving forward. She was part of the Being Flat Movement in which she met several women with similar stories as hers. She was also invited to participate as a model in the runways for AnaOno— a fashion brand that designs lingerie for breast cancer survivors. "We all were honored to walk, knowing we were doing something way bigger than ourselves.", she declared.

No one will love us before we do. Self-love echoes from inside out and it makes a huge difference on how others perceive us. "I never knew I had the courage I have.", Marianne says. That's the thing about sharing our stories, we never know who's heart we will end up touching. These women touched mine and I hope they touch yours, too. Later that day, while researching, I found a picture of a fortune cookie on Marianne's social media account that said "Turn your scars into stars.". In spite of immediately thinking "that's easier said than done." I then had a thought: if I will carry my scars forever with me and I don't care to turn them into stars, at the end of the day, there will be no bright sky to look at after the sun sets.