Looking For a Guy? Read This First

Romance. That person that will hold your hand at the park, make you laugh, and (hopefully) be good in bed. When looking for a guy (or a girl), what are the qualities you hope to find? What do you pay attention to? 

I heard once (or maybe a few times) that I was “too picky with boys” -- Wait! But shouldn’t I be? Don’t you realize this is the one person that will impact your future the most? What if he thinks a woman shouldn’t curse or travel by herself? What if he wants kids, or doesn’t want kids? What if he doesn’t like the fact that I am an independent ambitious woman? Shouldn’t these facts be considered? 

As I heard from this Ted Talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “women are raised to aspire to marriage.” Not that marriage is a bad thing, nor that it shouldn’t be on your ‘dream list’. But our aspirations should go beyond that. I know mine did, and still do. We have different minds, as well as different goals in life. But in a society that rushes us to find “the one,” especially after a certain age, that urgency can take us to falling for the wrong person, and for the wrong reasons -- fear of being alone, age to have kids, and outside pressure, of course -- just to name a few. 

So when looking for “my person,” I remember many times I changed my own behavior, so the guy I liked would like me-- and keep me. I was rarely my true self in his company. And to be honest, I know many people who did/do the same. But how can this be sustainable? What happens later on? 

Another thing I noticed as time passed was that, I had big goals, I didn’t want to have children, and I wanted to live abroad. Of course we’re constantly changing, and some plans fall apart, we change our mind. But having some clarity about your future, verbalizing the things you want, and the things you don’t, in my opinion, is an important step before making any kind of commitment-- and by that I mean even before changing your Facebook status (if that’s still a thing). Here is a personal example I shared on my ebook “Living By Design - First Steps To Live Life Your Way:”

“When I met my now husband, I had just turned 28 and was more than sure I did not want kids. Just a month after we started dating, I brought up this conversation just out of curiosity -- and also to know if he wanted to have children. I couldn’t be with someone that wanted something I didn’t. If you are dating, thinking about sharing a future together, I believe it’s important to be straight up about your desires and theirs. Be honest with each other. If you’re going out with someone not only to have fun, if you’re getting to know that person, then get to know that person -- their view for the future, their values, their heart, and their mind. Seriously, if we invested in this kind of background check before committing to a wedding, I’m sure divorces rates would drop.”

Five years later, I still don’t want to have children. And I still have a lot of ambition, hunger for freedom, a passion for traveling by myself, and... I curse a lot. I’m not perfect, neither is he, and we have lots of differences. But the person he met back in 2014 was a girl who had decided to be herself, to not rush, and who was starting to believe and speak her truth. That girl knew she couldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t accept her for who she was-- a crazy Brazilian feminist-in-progress, who treasures her freedom more than anything. And at 27, I finally realized that. 

So I’ll end this piece with a little unsolicited advice… 

Pay attention to the person you’re dating. Speak your mind, share your goals. Be yourself (as much as possible, because I know that takes practice). See how he/she reacts, what he/she says. And don’t wait until you’re 6 months in! Do it in the beginning-- why not? You’re both adults, having adult conversation, with the same goal in mind: getting to know each other, and maybe be together for life, right? So let’s try not to waste anyone’s time. Because that thing that “people change?” Well, most of the time, they don’t. If I have married someone who wanted kids, I’d be divorced by now. If I had married a guy who doesn’t want his wife to travel on her own, I’d also be divorced by now (or sucking it up and feeling unhappy). 

Another thing I can tell you is know your values, invest in self-awareness. Getting to know someone else is fun, but knowing yourself is liberating-- and it’ll help you find a better match! My most important value is freedom. I know I’m happier being with someone that respects my freedom, that doesn’t try to cut my wings (poor thing, he’d be long gone if he did). Oh! And last but not least, love your own company, and yourself, more than anything!