The Abuser Is Invisible | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

According to UN Women — the United Nations entity dedicated to gender equality and the empowerment of women, approximately 15 million adolescents worldwide (aged 15-19) have experienced some form of sexual violence. It's estimated that 35 percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence at some point in their lives. When we look at some national studies, the numbers are up to 70 percent. Statistically, sexual crimes are often perpetrated by someone the victim knows- a friend of the family, a romantic partner, an acquaintance. Why then, does the global narrative around violence continue to frame the abuser as the stranger in a dark alley at night? And why do we continue to believe that's the only danger we should be protecting ourselves from?

I grew up listening to my mom tell the same story: There was a man who dragged around a potato sack looking for kids to steal. As a child I imagined  an ogre who lived in the darkness with magical powers- he could smell fear from a great distance and hear thoughts. As a result, I believed safety could only look like  home and that dark places were dangerous. And while the ogre may be of children’s nightmares, my fear of being alone in the dark has never completely gone away, neither at home nor anywhere else. Years later, friends in college would share similar anecdotes from childhood. These stories created a narrative of fear, teaching us as children to watch out for dark alleys and streets, without actually naming, showing or trusting us to know what danger is. News sources also often reinforce the stereotype of "stranger danger" by highlighting outlier cases to a much more insidious reality: It is more common for sexual violence to be committed inside our own homes than on the streets we've been raised to be wary of. And that's what we need to talk about. 

The numbers above reflect that most perpetrators of sexual crimes are not strangers to us, nor someone who lurks in the darkness.They are our parents, our significant others, a family friend or a neighbor. They reside in our personal and professional circles. In reality, people who commit harm are not invisible because their actions are subtle, but rather because families often don’t have the tools to identify red flags in behavior. Children are socialized in ways that often make them vulnerable to harm. Even today, it is still common in Western culture for children to be “seen and not heard”, to be considered the property of adults, and to defer to adults in all things. How we socialize children then based on their gender, can have lasting impacts well into adulthood.Historically, we've misinterpreted the threat, misleading our children to avoid  the danger that lives on the streets and in dark alleys, without preparing them to identify and respond to the threat when it looks friendly and familiar. Statistically, this is not exponential, this reality has always been there. 

Now more than ever, raising awareness around childhood sexual abuse and its long term impact on survivors and their communities reverberations through their adult lives is essential to build a better and safer future. Generations and generations of children who couldn't speak up, nor defend themselves against the people  were supposed to protect them, keep them safe and love them. By learning the stories behind these numbers, we are able to identify the root causes of violence, working to address it by teaching our children how to identify harm and how to ask for help. 

For the past two decades though, many organizations across the country have been working to prevent sexual violence in childhood. For instance, NSVRC—the National Sexual Violence Resource Center provides information for survivors, friends and family; advocates and educators. Along with channels like RAINN—the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, NSVRC offers helpful and clarifying tools such as online resources, connection to local services for survivors, and a database on state laws around reporting, in order to prevent and respond to sexual violence through collaboration and resource sharing. At EmpowHer NY, we believe that ending sexual violence must start with us, in our communities, in our families and with our children.

Source:
https://www.unwomen.org/en/about-us/about-un-women
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/can/CSA-factsheet508.pdf
https://www.nsvrc.org/preventing-child-sexual-abuse-resources
https://www.rainn.org/safety-parents

Need help?

Call 800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Was It Flirting Or Harassment? | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

As most of us know, the title above is a battle itself. We don't want to judge a situation too quickly, but clarification around the issue is essential in order to identify what is harmless and what is not. Nowadays, society is trying to elucidate the cultural nuances of behavior between men and women so we all can navigate these encounters better. When I talked to my editor about sharing my personal experience, her first response was: "Only if you're comfortable with it." and that made all the difference.

Since we've chatted previously about nonviolent communication, I'm committed to narrate the facts of this story and share my feelings towards them, not my opinion. But, before we jump into it, a quick disclaimer: the names on this article are fictitious to protect the privacy of those involved.

It happened a year ago when Anthony, a popular and upstanding student at my school, entered the classroom. He was notorious for his kindness towards others, and the teachers were very complimentary of him. That day, our teacher was late when Anthony arrived and greeted everyone. He looked at me with a big smile on his face.

— Wow! Look at your hair!, he said.

— Thanks! New hair product. I responded.

— You really aroused me now., he commented.

It felt like a punch in my stomach, my heart immediately raced and I was suddenly short of breath. I looked around me and everybody else kept chatting. For a second, I doubted it myself. Did he really say that? 

— Do you know what aroused means?, I asked. 

— Yeah!, he answered. 

— Come on. You look stunning!, he continued.

I meant to protest right away, but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment to him or others. After all, women must be pleasant in social circles, not disruptive, as I recalled being taught while growing up.

— I don't think you can actually say that to me., I finally said. 

The expression on his face remained friendly.

— I mean, it's just an opinion. I'm allowed to express my opinion, right?, he questioned.

— I guess so but, did you mean aroused by my hair?, I asked, trying to read the situation.

— Oh, don't make me say where else I'm aroused by., He answered. 

There it was: The moral punch I needed. The spoken proof that I wasn't hallucinating the inappropriateness of that interaction. It was real, but it felt like I couldn't say anything else back. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed, even though none of my colleagues were looking at me. I felt compelled to, at least, smile at him before leaving the classroom. My first thoughts were: He was a nice guy; he made a comment in front of the class and nobody reacted to it; and he had the right to speak his mind.

I didn't understand why I was so upset until I ran into Danny, a dear friend to whom I felt I could rely on. After learning about what happened, she brainstormed: Anthony was in fact a nice person; however, nice people do bad things too; everybody has the right to speak their minds and so do I; and if anyone's behavior makes me feel uncomfortable or intimidated, I have the right to address that too. She finally concluded: "If it makes you uncomfortable, it's not ok." With her words in my mind, I went back to the classroom and faced my worst fear: to cause disruption in a room full of people on behalf of my own well being.

— Hi, Anthony. About that aroused comment you made: I don't think you did it deliberately to hurt me but, it really made me feel uncomfortable. Could you, please, not talk to me like that again?, I requested.

The friendly look on his face didn't change

—  Hi, I know. I realized, after I said it aloud, that I've crossed a boundary here. I'm really sorry. It was disrespectful to talk to you like that and I didn't mean it that way. , He said.

The classmates stopped talking but didn't interfere at all. The room remained in silence while Anthony and I talked. The exact situation I was trying to avoid. He apologized once again and I accepted it. Then, the teacher arrived, the class finally started and no one ever commented on it for the rest of that Wednesday morning.

Many men around the world have been taught to behave however they please because there will be no consequences to them. The saddest truth is: sometimes, there's no desire to hurt women, but there's validation to this kind of behavior simply because men can. A privilege granted to them in this inherently patriarchal society we live in. Maybe Anthony was one of them.

Many women around the world have been taught the same truth and, for years throughout History, they have been compelled to accept this truth. Currently though, many women worldwide are also being taught to address these issues in order to navigate situations like mine, without being judged or ashamed. And I'm one of them.

Need help?

Call 800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Nonviolent Communication - A Bridge Between Ourselves and The Men We Love

Among many theories and approaches on dialogue through nonviolent communication, there are some foundational keys to this practice that I'd like to dissect. I found self-knowledge, expressiveness and empathy, to name a few, good starters of productive communication. To convey a need and/or a feeling is challenging, to convey it from a place of frustration or pain, is ever harder. However, once the situation is given, how to go from the cloudiness of convergent opinions to a place of understanding and mutual respect? It's likely that we will find strength while we present ourselves vulnerable to someone we love and, if you think that's possible too, this article is for you. 

I have men in my life that I really admire and care about. Even in a world where many, many women have been hurt and degraded by a patriarchal society, I've found men who are worth having faith in. A father, a brother, a significant other, a male friend. Once we effectively communicate what we need, in order to feel safe, loved and heard, we build this bridge that allows us to walk towards a, not equal, but quite closer path of awareness of each other.

 To accomplish that, educating others about our history, fears, dreams and, most importantly, our needs, is key. We educate people around us every single day and by doing that, we set important boundaries for both ends. It's inherently human to enter a discussion with the desire to win it. Either from defensiveness or from the presumed sensation of being heard. 

Currently, social media has set a new precedent that emerged as a massive behind-the-screen pattern of behavior. Catchy headlines, shortened dialogues, rapid consumption of large amounts of content at once, all of that with very little time to process and very little time to give our brains a rest. Hence, the anxiety around the uncertainty of receiving that attention we might need.

The game strategy behind nonviolent communication is opinion versus feeling, in which opinions can be defeated or challenged while feelings are innate to humans. I can address an opinion but, can I feel someone else's feelings? On the other hand, opinions are seeds in a vast land of assumptions. That being said, let's get started!

Self-knowledge is the home of nonviolent communication.

The very important first step is self-knowledge. The more we are able to identify and study our own emotions and do the inner work tracking their path, the less conflicting the communication will be. We simply can't argue emotions, instead, we can observe and learn from them.

Once our emotions are acknowledged, it's time to name them.

When we name what and how we feel, we give the other person the opportunity to navigate the situation, and they're able to make a decision on where to go from there. That's when healing begins. And that works on the other way around as well. By giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we're setting ourselves free from the toxic world of preconceived intentions. If our own intentions are, sometimes, mysterious to us, how could we assure somebody else's?

The willingness to learn from each other shapes relationships.

I once read this book called The Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés in which I learned, as a woman, that it is essential to identify people's willingness to learn. The more we listen to one's perspective, the more we effectively convey, by example, that we can commit to a more constructive dialogue. As we enter a conversation in which either one, the other or both aren't willing to learn something from that situation, the discussion, commonly, becomes pointless.

Dialogue is key to building fulfilling relationships. And, regardless of how long these relationships last, we need to find a way to speak our minds in a respectful way, giving others the space to speak theirs too. It doesn't have to happen right now-- you will know when it feels right to start the conversation. Communication doesn't have to be hurtful to be effective. And most importantly, the dialogue has to happen consensually, because the goal is to understand each other's needs and boundaries. We won't advance a step further unless we're ready to. And one last piece of advice: Enter these conversations with the willingness to exit them a different person than you were before.