Nonviolent Communication - A Bridge Between Ourselves and The Men We Love
Among many theories and approaches on dialogue through nonviolent communication, there are some foundational keys to this practice that I'd like to dissect. I found self-knowledge, expressiveness and empathy, to name a few, good starters of productive communication. To convey a need and/or a feeling is challenging, to convey it from a place of frustration or pain, is ever harder. However, once the situation is given, how to go from the cloudiness of convergent opinions to a place of understanding and mutual respect? It's likely that we will find strength while we present ourselves vulnerable to someone we love and, if you think that's possible too, this article is for you.
I have men in my life that I really admire and care about. Even in a world where many, many women have been hurt and degraded by a patriarchal society, I've found men who are worth having faith in. A father, a brother, a significant other, a male friend. Once we effectively communicate what we need, in order to feel safe, loved and heard, we build this bridge that allows us to walk towards a, not equal, but quite closer path of awareness of each other.
To accomplish that, educating others about our history, fears, dreams and, most importantly, our needs, is key. We educate people around us every single day and by doing that, we set important boundaries for both ends. It's inherently human to enter a discussion with the desire to win it. Either from defensiveness or from the presumed sensation of being heard.
Currently, social media has set a new precedent that emerged as a massive behind-the-screen pattern of behavior. Catchy headlines, shortened dialogues, rapid consumption of large amounts of content at once, all of that with very little time to process and very little time to give our brains a rest. Hence, the anxiety around the uncertainty of receiving that attention we might need.
The game strategy behind nonviolent communication is opinion versus feeling, in which opinions can be defeated or challenged while feelings are innate to humans. I can address an opinion but, can I feel someone else's feelings? On the other hand, opinions are seeds in a vast land of assumptions. That being said, let's get started!
Self-knowledge is the home of nonviolent communication.
The very important first step is self-knowledge. The more we are able to identify and study our own emotions and do the inner work tracking their path, the less conflicting the communication will be. We simply can't argue emotions, instead, we can observe and learn from them.
Once our emotions are acknowledged, it's time to name them.
When we name what and how we feel, we give the other person the opportunity to navigate the situation, and they're able to make a decision on where to go from there. That's when healing begins. And that works on the other way around as well. By giving someone the benefit of the doubt, we're setting ourselves free from the toxic world of preconceived intentions. If our own intentions are, sometimes, mysterious to us, how could we assure somebody else's?
The willingness to learn from each other shapes relationships.
I once read this book called The Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés in which I learned, as a woman, that it is essential to identify people's willingness to learn. The more we listen to one's perspective, the more we effectively convey, by example, that we can commit to a more constructive dialogue. As we enter a conversation in which either one, the other or both aren't willing to learn something from that situation, the discussion, commonly, becomes pointless.
Dialogue is key to building fulfilling relationships. And, regardless of how long these relationships last, we need to find a way to speak our minds in a respectful way, giving others the space to speak theirs too. It doesn't have to happen right now-- you will know when it feels right to start the conversation. Communication doesn't have to be hurtful to be effective. And most importantly, the dialogue has to happen consensually, because the goal is to understand each other's needs and boundaries. We won't advance a step further unless we're ready to. And one last piece of advice: Enter these conversations with the willingness to exit them a different person than you were before.