Was It Flirting Or Harassment? | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

As most of us know, the title above is a battle itself. We don't want to judge a situation too quickly, but clarification around the issue is essential in order to identify what is harmless and what is not. Nowadays, society is trying to elucidate the cultural nuances of behavior between men and women so we all can navigate these encounters better. When I talked to my editor about sharing my personal experience, her first response was: "Only if you're comfortable with it." and that made all the difference.

Since we've chatted previously about nonviolent communication, I'm committed to narrate the facts of this story and share my feelings towards them, not my opinion. But, before we jump into it, a quick disclaimer: the names on this article are fictitious to protect the privacy of those involved.

It happened a year ago when Anthony, a popular and upstanding student at my school, entered the classroom. He was notorious for his kindness towards others, and the teachers were very complimentary of him. That day, our teacher was late when Anthony arrived and greeted everyone. He looked at me with a big smile on his face.

— Wow! Look at your hair!, he said.

— Thanks! New hair product. I responded.

— You really aroused me now., he commented.

It felt like a punch in my stomach, my heart immediately raced and I was suddenly short of breath. I looked around me and everybody else kept chatting. For a second, I doubted it myself. Did he really say that? 

— Do you know what aroused means?, I asked. 

— Yeah!, he answered. 

— Come on. You look stunning!, he continued.

I meant to protest right away, but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment to him or others. After all, women must be pleasant in social circles, not disruptive, as I recalled being taught while growing up.

— I don't think you can actually say that to me., I finally said. 

The expression on his face remained friendly.

— I mean, it's just an opinion. I'm allowed to express my opinion, right?, he questioned.

— I guess so but, did you mean aroused by my hair?, I asked, trying to read the situation.

— Oh, don't make me say where else I'm aroused by., He answered. 

There it was: The moral punch I needed. The spoken proof that I wasn't hallucinating the inappropriateness of that interaction. It was real, but it felt like I couldn't say anything else back. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed, even though none of my colleagues were looking at me. I felt compelled to, at least, smile at him before leaving the classroom. My first thoughts were: He was a nice guy; he made a comment in front of the class and nobody reacted to it; and he had the right to speak his mind.

I didn't understand why I was so upset until I ran into Danny, a dear friend to whom I felt I could rely on. After learning about what happened, she brainstormed: Anthony was in fact a nice person; however, nice people do bad things too; everybody has the right to speak their minds and so do I; and if anyone's behavior makes me feel uncomfortable or intimidated, I have the right to address that too. She finally concluded: "If it makes you uncomfortable, it's not ok." With her words in my mind, I went back to the classroom and faced my worst fear: to cause disruption in a room full of people on behalf of my own well being.

— Hi, Anthony. About that aroused comment you made: I don't think you did it deliberately to hurt me but, it really made me feel uncomfortable. Could you, please, not talk to me like that again?, I requested.

The friendly look on his face didn't change

—  Hi, I know. I realized, after I said it aloud, that I've crossed a boundary here. I'm really sorry. It was disrespectful to talk to you like that and I didn't mean it that way. , He said.

The classmates stopped talking but didn't interfere at all. The room remained in silence while Anthony and I talked. The exact situation I was trying to avoid. He apologized once again and I accepted it. Then, the teacher arrived, the class finally started and no one ever commented on it for the rest of that Wednesday morning.

Many men around the world have been taught to behave however they please because there will be no consequences to them. The saddest truth is: sometimes, there's no desire to hurt women, but there's validation to this kind of behavior simply because men can. A privilege granted to them in this inherently patriarchal society we live in. Maybe Anthony was one of them.

Many women around the world have been taught the same truth and, for years throughout History, they have been compelled to accept this truth. Currently though, many women worldwide are also being taught to address these issues in order to navigate situations like mine, without being judged or ashamed. And I'm one of them.

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