The Power of Healing Inside Our Community | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

We are social individuals by nature. Even in order to exercise our right to be an individual, we need to be in community. Because our community must be the space for growth and independence. In female environments though, we were raised to a different reality, in which female relationships have been assumed to be unsettling, conflictual and self-centered. We mentioned how harmful and lonely it is to be in a community that doesn't support us. We also discussed how positively impactful it is when we can rely on the community we are inserted in. Since, as women, we have been conditioned to not seek help or to not trust other women, how do we build a community that is safe and supportive for all of us? How do we deconstruct these old beliefs and create new ones? What can we do today in order to become the person we would go to if we needed help?

Historically, women have gathered together to fight for their rights. The right to vote, the right to not be hurt, the right to come and go freely. Although we have gotten far, it is not far enough. Nowadays, we have to fight to preserve the rights we fought for in the past. However, this is not a one soldier fight. We fight for all women; for those who can't fight for themselves; for this generation and the next ones. We fight to create an ideal world that supports women who have gone through sexual violence. We call it sisterhood. We call it change. We call it healing.

We are resourceful. We have built communities that have supported and educated women for the past generations. In female friendships, resourcefulness is essential to help others to start their own healing process, but understanding where it comes from is key. Most of us have been in a situation where we needed support and validation. We might not know all the stories of all women worldwide, but we know a very important one: our own. However, even though we know our own story, sometimes we need to learn the depths of it. That's how we claim it and tell it our own way. When we learn how we have overcome the struggles in our life, it becomes easier to understand someone else's struggles. By knowing our own healing process, we become more empathetic towards someone else's process. This is a huge shift in the way we treat others, especially in the way we treat women. 

We are perceptive. When we understand our story through the lenses of kindness and acceptance, we tend to become also kind and accepting towards others. In all sorts of friendship, trust is an important component. In female friendships, it is crucial. In a world that lacks kindness and understanding, we can win by example. When someone is kind to us, we can extend courtesy and be kind to them. 

We are dependable. The numbers on sexual violence had shown us how scary it is to seek help. Hence, the path to healing. Aspects like guilt and shame hold us back from addressing sexual violence properly and providing support to the victims, because we are too afraid of being judged within our professional and personal lives. The work we need to do to help victims of sexual violence is to create a space they can rely on. A safe space they can talk about their experiences and get help.

We are resilient. We observe and learn from the system that we were raised in. When someone is raised in an environment devoid of acceptance and freedom, the likelihood of someone living according to these social and behavioral inputs is certain. Sisterhood plays an important role to deconstruct this probability. When we challenge the behavior society expects from us, such as judging other women based on their life choices or clothing, blaming them for their sexual violence experiences, we change these inherent social beliefs and transform our community. When we understand we perpetuate certain sexist behaviors in society and we undertake the work of taking care of one another, the healing process begins. 

We are unity. The term sorority became trending on social media. The word refers to a social or political group of women united in the name of social causes for that particular group. However, its meaning has been evolving to a more multidimensional and symbolic matter. Sorority also means sisterhood, empathy, caring and safety. As women, we have been walking towards re-signifying the word sorority and displaying it as an object of cause and ownership. A place where it is safe to go to; where women are no longer known as foes, but friends. Sometimes, sisters. Sorority is the family we have chosen to become part of on behalf of something bigger than ourselves.

Need help?

Call 800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Sexual Violence: Why Support From Our Sisterhood Matters | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

As we mentioned in the previous article, social norms and education around sex, sexuality, and gender expectations have a huge impact on how people experience and understand sexual violence. It also impacts how we perceive other people's experiences. Doubtfulness is commonly a first reaction when women tell their experience with sexual violence. For instance, inquiries around the clothes they were wearing, where they were when the episode occurred, and what they did or said that could've possibly initiated the inflictor's action.

This response is commonly perpetrated, because we have internalized gender expectations in society. The doubtfulness of the victim's narrative impairs their ability to read the situation that caused them harm, consequently, their ability to trust themselves and others. When the response comes from another woman, it feels even more hurtful and confusing, because we lose our sense of belonging, and build instead, a sense of loneliness and inadequacy within our own community.

Additionally, these responses also translate as micro-aggressions— which are either verbal or behavioral ways to treat someone, intentionally or not, that communicate hostile and/or detrimental judgment towards them. Such as the inquiry about women's life choices, holding the victims accountable for their sexual violence experiences, but have a long-term impact on how women assimilate sexual assault and guilt around it. Statements that are considered low-severity; hence, they are often unobserved or addressed, such as regarding the length of women's skirts; the amount of casual sexual partners they have; and if their behavior provoked their inflictor to react. 

As women, if we can't rely on our community to help us address sexual violence, seek acknowledgement from those we love and trust, and to validate these experiences, the path to healing becomes much longer. These expectations have shaped social interactions among women and held us from building intimacy in our relationships. Intimacy is an essential element in social trustworthy interactions, it brings us together, it strengthens the foundation of relationships. Gender norms have created a sense of competition between us. Therefore, a culture of scarcity among women because misogyny pits us against one another.  

In society, women are notoriously assumed to be judgmental, competitive, and unsupportive of each other. However, my own experience with harassment proved these statements wrong. When I felt exposed and confused, I sought help from a female friend and I found the validation and support I needed to advocate for myself. If I hadn't found support back then, my ability to read the situation would have been impaired and I wouldn't have learned how to speak up.

It is challenging to be vulnerable to someone. When we open up about these experiences, we are seeking support and validation. We are, somehow, asking permission to be who we are, unapologetically. We want to be seen, and when someone sees us, that's when we are vulnerable. It is frightening, but also an opportunity to grow outside trauma. As humans, we want to be loved and accepted. For survivors of sexual violence, it is exhausting, unfair and cruel to spend a lifetime under certain social norms, because we might as well be treated as different. Especially when society doesn't listen to what they have to say, nor protect them from harm.

The exposure to traumatic events in life increases the chances of significant mental issues such as depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and physical health problems. As a consequence, the survivors might experience a low quality life and, more often than ever, social isolation. The lack of support and understanding around sexual violence also causes harm and chronic consequences. It is crucial to build a community that supports each other, does the work on understanding ourselves, acknowledges the facts, and addresses these issues. This is the beginning to create a solution together to end sexual violence. When we unfold our story to someone we trust and they listen to us, the healing process begins to happen.

Need help?

Call 800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

The Abuser Is Invisible | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

According to UN Women — the United Nations entity dedicated to gender equality and the empowerment of women, approximately 15 million adolescents worldwide (aged 15-19) have experienced some form of sexual violence. It's estimated that 35 percent of women have experienced physical or sexual violence at some point in their lives. When we look at some national studies, the numbers are up to 70 percent. Statistically, sexual crimes are often perpetrated by someone the victim knows- a friend of the family, a romantic partner, an acquaintance. Why then, does the global narrative around violence continue to frame the abuser as the stranger in a dark alley at night? And why do we continue to believe that's the only danger we should be protecting ourselves from?

I grew up listening to my mom tell the same story: There was a man who dragged around a potato sack looking for kids to steal. As a child I imagined  an ogre who lived in the darkness with magical powers- he could smell fear from a great distance and hear thoughts. As a result, I believed safety could only look like  home and that dark places were dangerous. And while the ogre may be of children’s nightmares, my fear of being alone in the dark has never completely gone away, neither at home nor anywhere else. Years later, friends in college would share similar anecdotes from childhood. These stories created a narrative of fear, teaching us as children to watch out for dark alleys and streets, without actually naming, showing or trusting us to know what danger is. News sources also often reinforce the stereotype of "stranger danger" by highlighting outlier cases to a much more insidious reality: It is more common for sexual violence to be committed inside our own homes than on the streets we've been raised to be wary of. And that's what we need to talk about. 

The numbers above reflect that most perpetrators of sexual crimes are not strangers to us, nor someone who lurks in the darkness.They are our parents, our significant others, a family friend or a neighbor. They reside in our personal and professional circles. In reality, people who commit harm are not invisible because their actions are subtle, but rather because families often don’t have the tools to identify red flags in behavior. Children are socialized in ways that often make them vulnerable to harm. Even today, it is still common in Western culture for children to be “seen and not heard”, to be considered the property of adults, and to defer to adults in all things. How we socialize children then based on their gender, can have lasting impacts well into adulthood.Historically, we've misinterpreted the threat, misleading our children to avoid  the danger that lives on the streets and in dark alleys, without preparing them to identify and respond to the threat when it looks friendly and familiar. Statistically, this is not exponential, this reality has always been there. 

Now more than ever, raising awareness around childhood sexual abuse and its long term impact on survivors and their communities reverberations through their adult lives is essential to build a better and safer future. Generations and generations of children who couldn't speak up, nor defend themselves against the people  were supposed to protect them, keep them safe and love them. By learning the stories behind these numbers, we are able to identify the root causes of violence, working to address it by teaching our children how to identify harm and how to ask for help. 

For the past two decades though, many organizations across the country have been working to prevent sexual violence in childhood. For instance, NSVRC—the National Sexual Violence Resource Center provides information for survivors, friends and family; advocates and educators. Along with channels like RAINN—the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network, NSVRC offers helpful and clarifying tools such as online resources, connection to local services for survivors, and a database on state laws around reporting, in order to prevent and respond to sexual violence through collaboration and resource sharing. At EmpowHer NY, we believe that ending sexual violence must start with us, in our communities, in our families and with our children.

Source:
https://www.unwomen.org/en/about-us/about-un-women
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/can/CSA-factsheet508.pdf
https://www.nsvrc.org/preventing-child-sexual-abuse-resources
https://www.rainn.org/safety-parents

Need help?

Call 800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

Was It Flirting Or Harassment? | Sexual Assault Awareness Month

As most of us know, the title above is a battle itself. We don't want to judge a situation too quickly, but clarification around the issue is essential in order to identify what is harmless and what is not. Nowadays, society is trying to elucidate the cultural nuances of behavior between men and women so we all can navigate these encounters better. When I talked to my editor about sharing my personal experience, her first response was: "Only if you're comfortable with it." and that made all the difference.

Since we've chatted previously about nonviolent communication, I'm committed to narrate the facts of this story and share my feelings towards them, not my opinion. But, before we jump into it, a quick disclaimer: the names on this article are fictitious to protect the privacy of those involved.

It happened a year ago when Anthony, a popular and upstanding student at my school, entered the classroom. He was notorious for his kindness towards others, and the teachers were very complimentary of him. That day, our teacher was late when Anthony arrived and greeted everyone. He looked at me with a big smile on his face.

— Wow! Look at your hair!, he said.

— Thanks! New hair product. I responded.

— You really aroused me now., he commented.

It felt like a punch in my stomach, my heart immediately raced and I was suddenly short of breath. I looked around me and everybody else kept chatting. For a second, I doubted it myself. Did he really say that? 

— Do you know what aroused means?, I asked. 

— Yeah!, he answered. 

— Come on. You look stunning!, he continued.

I meant to protest right away, but I didn't want to cause any embarrassment to him or others. After all, women must be pleasant in social circles, not disruptive, as I recalled being taught while growing up.

— I don't think you can actually say that to me., I finally said. 

The expression on his face remained friendly.

— I mean, it's just an opinion. I'm allowed to express my opinion, right?, he questioned.

— I guess so but, did you mean aroused by my hair?, I asked, trying to read the situation.

— Oh, don't make me say where else I'm aroused by., He answered. 

There it was: The moral punch I needed. The spoken proof that I wasn't hallucinating the inappropriateness of that interaction. It was real, but it felt like I couldn't say anything else back. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed, even though none of my colleagues were looking at me. I felt compelled to, at least, smile at him before leaving the classroom. My first thoughts were: He was a nice guy; he made a comment in front of the class and nobody reacted to it; and he had the right to speak his mind.

I didn't understand why I was so upset until I ran into Danny, a dear friend to whom I felt I could rely on. After learning about what happened, she brainstormed: Anthony was in fact a nice person; however, nice people do bad things too; everybody has the right to speak their minds and so do I; and if anyone's behavior makes me feel uncomfortable or intimidated, I have the right to address that too. She finally concluded: "If it makes you uncomfortable, it's not ok." With her words in my mind, I went back to the classroom and faced my worst fear: to cause disruption in a room full of people on behalf of my own well being.

— Hi, Anthony. About that aroused comment you made: I don't think you did it deliberately to hurt me but, it really made me feel uncomfortable. Could you, please, not talk to me like that again?, I requested.

The friendly look on his face didn't change

—  Hi, I know. I realized, after I said it aloud, that I've crossed a boundary here. I'm really sorry. It was disrespectful to talk to you like that and I didn't mean it that way. , He said.

The classmates stopped talking but didn't interfere at all. The room remained in silence while Anthony and I talked. The exact situation I was trying to avoid. He apologized once again and I accepted it. Then, the teacher arrived, the class finally started and no one ever commented on it for the rest of that Wednesday morning.

Many men around the world have been taught to behave however they please because there will be no consequences to them. The saddest truth is: sometimes, there's no desire to hurt women, but there's validation to this kind of behavior simply because men can. A privilege granted to them in this inherently patriarchal society we live in. Maybe Anthony was one of them.

Many women around the world have been taught the same truth and, for years throughout History, they have been compelled to accept this truth. Currently though, many women worldwide are also being taught to address these issues in order to navigate situations like mine, without being judged or ashamed. And I'm one of them.

Need help?

Call 800-656-4673 to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.