The Fat Consciousness | Redemption

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness talks! Last we met, I told you how my relationship with people had been. Before that, I opened my heart about how I grew up into an insecure human being. I briefly spoke about gaining and losing weight and I’m sure that this sparks curiosity. People always want to know what was the secret element that helped someone miraculously lose weight. As if we’re not tired of knowing the key is calorie deficit. 

Since I can remember, I heard people limiting or censuring my servings, or the quality of what I was eating. Honestly, not “people” in general, it was mainly my parents and it was a very dual way where I had a big offer but had to find discipline and eat a little bit. This process helped “villainize” certain foods in my life - as I’m sure it happens in most people’s lives. Bread, chocolate, fried food, cake, cookies, ice cream… BAD BAD BAD! Like Voldemort, Evil Queen or Hades. Whichever reference suits you better.

By putting so much pressure under certain food groups, I grew up craving them the most. Because, you know - we desire what we can’t have. And if we don’t have good reasons to avoid it, we don’t understand WHY we can’t have them. Also, you might remember I mentioned food was a reward at home, so the emotional attachment I had to eating was aggravating my situation.

I had a journey of ups and downs - when I lost weight I would be extremely controlling of my intake and very active in the gym. These moments of full control were when I truly felt on top of my skinny happiness, being a (not that) skinny ass shark. My habits then used to be a bit too radical, and therefore, not maintainable in the long run (but I couldn’t see that).

Eventually life happened and I couldn’t keep up with the control. As a pleaser, I tend not to prioritize myself. I slowly would give up on me, making exceptions to eat unhealthy, skipping the gym. Suddenly the exceptions would become the norm and I was far from being a shark, becoming more like a scary fish lost in a sea of guilt.

So what was my “secret”, flipping the switch to a healthier lifestyle? 
Well, I hit rock bottom. The lowest one possible (for my standard).

Between 2015 to 2018 I went from 180lbs to 262lbs. I was eating anything, anytime. I was working unhealthy hours at a very toxic work environment where I was trying to give my all for things I didn’t even understand (aka me, a Public Relations, acting as Bookkeeper). I was tense all the time, I was basically working 6 days per week + daily overtime. Needless to say I barely dated back then because I truly thought I had no time. I was swallowed by work.

A friend told me she was going to have bariatric surgery. My immediate reaction was “that sounds extreme, you can lose weight without it.” More than that, I thought to myself… I lost weight before with Weight Watchers, I can do it again. I don’t need surgery. Well it all changed a few months later when I noticed my breath would cut off during the nights, making me wake up several times and I started feeling a lot of pain in my feet to just simply walk (‘cause I wasn’t working out, anyways.) I was getting sick to my stomach with a lot of different foods and eventually felt chest pain that was very scary and also triggering.

I was just 28 years old. I shouldn’t be feeling so bad.

So I went to my primary doctor and she recommended I pursued the bariatric surgery process. At the same time that it was great to find a “solution,” it was a bit frightening to admit I went that far into losing myself. The main reason why I came to terms with the weight loss surgery was because it would quickly relieve the physical symptoms my obesity was causing me. It was also a chance to “reset” my stomach and my eating habits - after all you eat like a baby in the beginning. 

I want to make two two things clear here: Being skinny was never my goal, I love being thick and curvy, so I opted for a surgery that wouldn’t take me to an extreme. I am very happy with my outcome; Secondly, I had a therapist approve me for surgery and did therapy from the day I came back home from the hospital.

Surgery for me had “souvenirs,” so I can’t eat carbs without having heartburn. Red meat is harder to digest and does not always sit well in my stomach. Sweets cause me to dump (basically they don’t last in my body, they’re expelled pretty quickly).

Do I regret surgery? Absolutely not.
Do I recommend it to others? Absolutely not - unless I know you and your story with weight loss - otherwise it would be extremely irresponsible of me. The only person who can recommend such a thing is your doctor.

Having the opportunity to reintroduce food slowly into my diet allowed me to reeducate my palate. Learn what suits me better, what sits more comfortably in my new stomach. What gives me satiety and what disturbs my digestion. Understanding and respecting my serving and limits, eating consciously to nourish my body.

Obviously, after 2 years of surgery, I had few of my triggering foods like most candy I used to eat before. They honestly don’t give me the same pleasure. Fried food bothers my stomach too. I became more critical about everything. 

Before, I couldn’t understand exactly WHY I should avoid certain food groups. Now, I get it. I still don’t see food as villains because this still makes no sense. I try to understand the reason behind my cravings. In my case, they’re mainly psychological and they don’t need to be satisfied every single time. I had moments when I let my anxiety take over and opted to have a few too many Milano cookies. Spoiler: they never paid off.

The surgery made me more intimate with my own body. I learned how to hear it so I can take better care of it. Food has now the main purpose of nourishing, giving me the nutrients and vitamins I need to perform. I still love eating just as much as I used to before surgery. It’s a matter of priorities now. There is no point in having a bagel if I’m going to feel like a dragon right after spitting fire because of so much heartburn. And I’m 100% okay with it because I feel great without it.

Through my journey as a bariatric, I’ve learned how my mind is important to keep my body strong. The power will always lay in my mind. I chose to follow my diet, and I chose when I want to have a sweet. I understand the power of exceptions, but I know what is meant to be my rule. Now, I know how to take care of my body and respect it. I’m conscious about every single bite or sip I take. And that is because I want the best for me, inside out. I’m at my best moment. I know my limits and I honor my body. I take it to the gym, I feed it with good food, I dress it nicely. Because I am a curvy a*s shark in constant learning but always, always loving myself.

Disclosure: this post is not meant to serve as medical nor diet advice in any way.

The Fat Consciousness | Exposed

Welcome back to The Fat Consciousness Series! Previously on this show, we learned how interesting my childhood was, and how it helped me grow into an insecure human being. Assuming we’re on the same page, by now you've got how doubtful I grew up to be, kinda feeling good about my looks and personality, but never accepting I could be happy as a fat girl. 

When you grow up being fat and not confident enough, odds are you might slide into the “supporting role” character. There are always going to be the skinny friends who get more attention, are sassier and cooler. 

I was the funny, goofy, always there for you, keeping the tone down, never saying “no” type of friend. I’ve always been a pleaser, and I wonder if I would have been different had I been skinny instead of fat. I sucked at flirting. I was always anxious about social situations where there would be cute boys. Always thinking about how I can act in an attractive way while being “proper” for my agenda aka being fat. I was usually left with the awkward kid from the male group (if lucky.) 

Wait, go back a second… did I say proper? 

Yes. I thought I needed to always keep it cool because duh - I was fat. As if it would balance out. (As if I needed to balance anything out.)  

Now imagine my mind when I met fat boys or girls full of confidence, overflowing power. I would freeze and my mind immediately got the “blue error screen!” WHAT IS GOING ON? How did you learn that? I don’t know how to be like that. It was like another duality - this one I can better explain using something I’ve heard - you either bleed in the shark tank or you are the shark. I sure as hell wasn’t a shark in the love scene. 

I kept on telling myself I was happy despite my body and lack of romantic engagements. That it would get better when I lost weight. That lasted pretty much up until my college years arrived. That was when I had my sexual wake up call. I was living it up - party, drinks, boys. I was finally faced with a side of me I didn’t know. While I was learning how to take advantage of my own features (like having a nice pair of boobs), I had no idea of how to manage my self-esteem or process my sexual being.  

This was a very doubtful moment and yet a very empowering one. I was discovering new things, yet my insecurity was also growing stronger along with a fear of rejection because I wasn’t skinny. College years just brought to surface a weird thread from my social life -  the “supporting role” I mentioned before. It’s like I didn’t pick, I was picked - and by people I wouldn’t want to kiss, but I’d give in because I really wanted to be kissed. It was a very passive way of living. I finally had a moment of ownership when… I lost weight in 2009. I lost a lot of weight, like 35kgs (over 70 lbs). I was finally seeing myself as an almost skinny person. I got the body I wanted, the boy I wanted, a crazy amount of attention. I was finally the main character shark-ing around!

While the relationship was over within a year, the “skinny high” sure wasn’t! And I indulged in it until I started gaining weight again. Suddenly, the fat consciousness thoughts took over my mind, holding back my newly found expression. But then I lost weight and “skinny high” was back up. As you might imagine, one’s self-esteem fluctuates all the time. So even when I was at my lowest weight, I would still be vulnerable into thinking I wasn’t pretty enough or that I still looked too fat.

I hit my highest weight in 2018 and this journey legit blew my mind. I was living in New York, where people were less judgmental than in Sao Paulo. This made me feel more confident to wear what I wanted, but on the inside I was a goddamn chicken living in fear of rejection and barely putting myself in “risky situations” (and by that I mean regular dates.) Basically, in a place nobody gave 2 fu*ks about my body, I was the most harsh on myself instead of living the freedom I’ve always wanted!

See, I acknowledge losing weight impacts my self-esteem directly and I struggle accepting this. I wish it wouldn’t fluctuate as much. But I have my own beauty standard (which isn’t skinny, it’s Marylin Monroe like) and I do feel very uncomfortable when too far from it. It just doesn’t feel like myself and I can’t help it.

I am now down 45kgs (we will talk about this in my next article). Dating is hard thanks to COVID-19, but at least now I found myself again. Working on your self-esteem is a daily effort, sometimes you’re just not feeling it and that is okay. I feel pretty and sexy but also very conscious I’m not either skinny or extremely fat & that now I have loose skin too. The fear of rejection is still present, but now I don’t blame myself or my body for it - I’m at my very best and if my partner can’t deal with it, that is his loss and my blessing ‘cause that isn’t the energy I need.

My foundation didn’t teach me how to be tough. I’m learning as I go with help of therapy and some kicks in the head life gives me. A piece of advice? The freedom you get when you own your narrative, when you ditch the “supporting role,” is mind-blowing. And guess what? Your body doesn’t dictate your ownership. Your mind does. You got to stop comparing yourself to others. You can’t hold your happy ending for a future you that might not even be worth it. You can’t live on the sidewalk, in the shadows of who you are expected to be. All the time I spent thinking I needed to act properly, tone down so I wouldn’t get too much attention… This is wasted time and energy I should have invested in who I am and my true expression. 

Remember, don’t be the one bleeding in the shark tank. Be the goddamn shark!

The Fat Consciousness | Awakening

I can’t complain about my childhood. Being an only child has its perks, and even though it isn’t all flowers, I acknowledge my privilege. I was a very picky eater, I ate very little when I was a child. My parents then realized I responded well with sweets in general, and from that point on, my weight derailed. I sincerely don’t remember being bullied - I sometimes was called silly names like “whale”, which I never really cared about. 

In school I was always the fat friend. Paired with the fat boy ‘cause that seemed “proper” as we were “alike.” I remember seeing my school BFF weighing 25 kilograms while I was 42. Back then I couldn’t understand exactly what was going on. But according to my parents, the plan was clear: when I grow taller, the weight would balance out, I just shouldn’t gain anymore. Needless to say I gained more as I stretched out.

My trauma with my weight didn’t come from school. It came from home instead. When my parents were with my school friend’s parents, I would always hear “oh, she already lost a couple kilograms, she will soon be like Vanessa, skinny too!” Those words always carried a weird sense of relief. I wasn’t doing much to lose weight, but still I had it done? Wow! I was getting somewhere, I guess. 

Then the awkward moments came. Nope, this t-shirt is too tight - better loosen up because THEN nobody is going to know how my body looks like underneath. As if my face didn’t look round enough or my fingers weren’t chubby enough to giveaway the fact I was growing up as an obese child. I recall my parents calling me beautiful, praising me as the great daughter I was. I was an easy kid, shy, polite, dedicated to studies. I loved to dance, to play, sing along with the Spice Girls. But I can’t say I was ever encouraged to be confident as a fat kid. I had a good waist, potentially a great figure, but my skinny friend was happier because she had less weight on her knees. I had a beautiful, remarkable face, but skinny girls would find partners more easily, they were more prone to being successful in life because of their whole figure. The duality by which I was treated woke the fat consciousness in me and it has always haunted me, making me vulnerable and insecure. More than that, it made me doubtful. Which I honestly think it’s worse, because it made me struggle internally between embracing my body and hating it and second guessing my worthiness. 

Growing up, I was always learning about a new diet, in a never ending quest to unlock “skinny happiness.” I was always listening to my already skinny friends trying to lose 1 or 2 kilograms, and I was so far from their reality… It never seemed tangible for me to reach them. “It’s easy, just watch what you’re eating.” Well. At home, the offer for food was endless. Nobody was really being strict about creating great eating habits and if you recall, I am an only child. And yes, I was spoiled. I wanted it, I got it. And that was heavy (pun intended) on the sweets. So now we have the second duality my mind had to go through. I had to lose weight, but I was eating unhealthy food at home. Even worse, food was a reward at home, so the emotional appeal it had was impactful to how I dealt with it. 

At 11 years old, my parents decided it was a good moment to join Weight Watchers. I was very obese, like a Botero character. My mom, who also struggled with weight, joined WW with me. I somehow saw it more like a game (at times even like a competition with my mom!) rather than an actual lifetime change. I learned how to swim and first tasted the “skinny happiness”, which led to momentarily “skinny glory” moments like fitting clothes that were actually proper for my age. But it somehow never felt it was enough. The doubtful thoughts would come rushing as in “is this it?” or “does that kid like me or is he joking?” I wasn’t enough. There were always more kilograms to lose. There was no finish line. Then what was the point of pursuing happiness if I couldn’t see the end of the road? More than that, I thought I was happy being fat and eating what I liked. So why was I raised to feel so contradictory about my body and self?

Because society praises beauty standards, and people want to fit in. It is easier when you fit in rather than when you stand up. I now get why my parents would be concerned. But they could have raised me to be confident in my own skin, teaching what the standard was and pointing out our differences rather than giving me mixed signals. Leading me to lose weight because I should be healthy, made better food choices and have mobility like the other kids in school. So parents and caregivers, please beware and don’t replicate this duality I’ve experienced. Your judgment can impact how a naive mind perceives their sense of worthiness. Nothing wrong in not wanting your child to be fat, but implying they need to be skinny to achieve greatness or happiness is not only misleading, but potentially harmful. Being fat doesn’t mean anything other than having extra weight on your body. And your worth is way too valuable to be measured by your body size.