Face-time and time to face it

I was on Facetime with a friend trying to convince her to move to New York. I very often do this. With more than one friend. I actually did it to all of them at this point. Is it because I miss them? Not really. I mean, I do miss them, but it is not the reason I engage in the cheap marketing pitch I have ready for when they complain about their lives. Is it because I truly think this city can be for everyone? Absolutely not. I’ve learned it the hard way. I’ve many friends who came here for a while, whether it was to visit or for one of those life drive tests you give yourself in your crisis, and left hating it, or not hating but, with the certainty they would never settle around. I thought it had something to do with my feelings for them, but frankly, no. This time, on that facetime, I realized I’m trying to convince myself. I’m telling it to myself. Not because I keep looking at myself during video calls, well, maybe this was deeper than just analyzing my pimples on screens. I noticed I am the one who needs to hear the twenty reasons why New York is holding your dream in a box ready for you. An old box full of rats, yes, but your dreams are there. Fucking cliché but that’s really the only moment when I romanticize it as to it believe in it – when I’m repeating to myself “oh yeah absolutely, you have to move to New York.” To hear myself listing the reasons why someone should stay here is the only moment I connect with statements and not questions about being an immigrant. It has been years since I’ve been stoked about this city, but somehow I deny every single opportunity to move out. Recently, I took a break and went to Portugal “before this city drives me crazy” as if I wasn’t already, “because I need to see new people” as if I have ever seen the same face on my block. I hated how soft yet strong the feeling was when I came back. I was still at JFK and I remember telling my heart “hey, we’re at the airport, this is not home, chill the fuck out, sweetie.” I can, though, disconnect very easily from New York. I look forward to saying goodbye. The problem is, coming back is inevitable. And it has to be because there is no other way. New York needs to be inevitable.