Mental Health: Fighting Stigma Is Not Enough
When we talk about mental health, we often suggest that people seek help when they are experiencing signs of depression or if their anxiety is disrupting their lives. We say that therapy is cool, and that there’s no shame in seeing a psychiatrist. What we too often fail to mention or see (perhaps because we’re privileged?) is how much this kind of help costs.
When I first started looking for a psychiatrist (which wasn’t an easy action to take, by the way!), I was shocked to learn that a big chunk of them do not accept insurance (so I’d have to pay around $250/session out of pocket). And if you are lucky enough to find one that takes insurance, very often you will have to wait 2 months to get an appointment. Just a side note here: when talking about mental health, 2 months can make a big difference in someone’s life (or decision to end it).
Luckily I found help that accepted insurance and the copay wouldn’t hurt that much. And although it wasn’t the best help to be honest, still, it was the help I needed at that moment and I’m grateful I got it. But it made me realize why mental health in the United States is in such a crisis: it’s not only the stigma and accepting help, it’s paying for it, too.
According to the CDC, 1 in 5 Americans will experience a mental illness in a given year, and 1 in 25 Americans lives with a serious mental illness, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression. In 2018, suicide was 10th leading cause of death in all ages, but 2nd (yes, SECOND) in age groups 10-34. This is a public health issue that I believe is being addressed poorly, and these numbers reflect just that.
Telling people that it is ok to seek help is not enough. The Affordable Care Act improved access to mental health care, but there is still work to be done. Many patients can’t afford the copay for therapy sessions or medications, for example, and they end up quitting treatment. Although I could afford 100 bucks out of my pocket to pay for my Zoloft + Abilify + monthly Psych session, a lot of people don’t have the “luxury” of adding this amount to their budget. They are already struggling to keep up with food, rent and gas, all while many times, also battling to get out of bed. Not to mention we still have over 30 million people who don’t have health insurance at all in this country (which is a whole issue of its own).
So no. Fighting mental health stigma is necessary, but it isn’t enough. And we (me included) need to be more mindful when telling someone to seek help. Health insurance plans work differently, your copay amount is not the same as mine, and again, a lot of people don’t have access to insurance at all. Because universal healthcare access is still a utopia, what we need to do if we really want to help this crisis is to pressure our lawmakers to make mental health care even more accessible and build policies that promote preventive measures.
And if you or someone you know need help finding or paying for mental health care:
Low Cost Treatment: resources that offer assistance in paying for treatment.
If you’re concerned about insurance coverage, here’s an article that might help.
Other resources:
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor 24/7
Trevor Project: 24/7 LGBTQ+ crisis intervention and suicide prevention hotline at 1-866-488-7386
Trans Lifeline: peer support hotline run by and for trans people at 877-565-8860
To Write Love on Her Arms: to find local resources in your area
Feed Your Mind | Mental Health 2021
We often see conversations about diets, calories, and how to feed the body. How to keep it strong and healthy. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” they say. Well, I believe in more of a holistic approach. When addressing health, it’s useful to remember that what we feed our minds is as important as what goes inside our bellies.
As someone who lives with chronic anxiety and depression and has recently cut ties with meds, I decided to start watching myself. Although what I eat does have an impact on my gut health, and consequently, my mental state, it turns out that how I am “feeding” my mind trumps what goes in my mouth (note: I still eat healthyish though!).
To me, there’s no question that the days I start out by scrolling on social media, are the ones I feel more anxious. Especially with everything that’s been going on lately. One negative thought leads to another, and suddenly it’s a snowball of negativity rolling inside my head. And that means I’m feeding my mind the wrong way.
On the other hand, listening to music while showering boosts my mood. Not pressuring myself to be productive actually helps me accomplish things throughout my day. Reminding myself to take a few deep breaths (and doing so!) in fact calms me down. But besides that, I actually have some “mind food” I want to share. It’s not books or meditation, I guess you get that a lot already. It’s just a few things you can watch, play, and learn with, that I believe can be good for you.
Netflix
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To start, let me introduce you to my other Queen B: Brené Brown. She’s a shame and vulnerability researcher who’s work has helped thousands of people. Her special on Netflix is entertaining, funny, and perhaps what you need to warm your heart.
[youtube=://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bB_XlzERp4&w=854&h=480]
Laughter is one of the best therapies there are, so I’d like to recommend one of the funniest women I know: Ali Wong. I had the opportunity to see her live and almost peed my pants. This special in particular is one I go back to when I know I need a laugh. P.S.: if you have sensitive ears and sense of humor, I’d skip it…
Spotify
Ok, here she is again because as I said, she’s my other Queen B! But seriously, if you’re looking for deep conversations, to grow as a human, and to live your truth, this is THE podcast. I won’t say I’m always in the mood to listen to it, but once a week I try to tune in with an open mind and heart.
I know playlists are pretty personal, but Spotify suggested me this one and I’m obsessed. Songs from the 80s, 90s and 2000s (up to pretty recent ones like “Savage”), great to shower, clean, work out, or simply to help you get out of bed.
I saw Dr. Mariel Buque speak at an EmpowHerNY event and I started following her right away. Not only because of the calm way she speaks, but because the content she shares is a must-stop-scrolling-&-read if you’re interested in starting a healing journey and/or improving your mental health.
Her IG is @dr.marielbuque
I don’t know if you already follow this guy, but if you don’t, please do! His videos full of moves and positivity started going viral in 2019, I think. It took off from there and today he has over 800k followers, and is using his platform to spread love, inspire others, and invite you to make some moves, too!
His IG is @donte.colley
Learn & Play
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As I mentioned, start the day scrolling on social media increases my anxiety. One way I found to help me do something else (while taking my sweet time before getting out of bed) is playing while learning Spanish on Duolingo App. You can choose from many languages, it’s fun and it’s free!
Of course there are many other ways to give your mind some “good food” (literal food is one of them!). These are just a few things that I personally find helpful, and I’m sharing with hopes that you will find them helpful, too. Just remember that feeding your mind the right way is very important, especially nowadays with all the troubles we’ve been facing as a society. Oh, and not to mention (before I forget), this is also self-care. Happy new year!
Disclaimer: each person is different and has different needs. When talking about mental health, there are many ways to find improvement. But what works for me, might not work for you, and vice-versa. That goes with medications, diet or mindfulness techniques. It is crucial that you listen to your body, your therapist, and your doctor, so you can find what works best for you.
Changing Habits - One Day at a Time
“Changing habits takes time” -- I bet you’re tired of hearing this. Well, unfortunately, it does. But you know what really takes time? Sticking to those habits. As I’m writing this post, I’m not proud to say that, with the holidays, and all the things happening in my life at the same time, I started cheating on my diet (a little bit). The one that began almost two years ago, and that was finally going well for the past 6 months. But as the title of this post says: changing habits, one day at a time.
Since 2016 I’ve been embracing lots of changes to my lifestyle. Exercising still hasn’t stuck, but I now floss every night, I went from reading one book in 2017 to reading over 15 in the past couple of years, and I can tell you that my mindset has improved about 40% (which is a huge accomplishment!). My relationship with food (trying to avoid gluten + dairy + processed sugar) is also better (although it still got a lot of room for improvement).
But changing or building habits is a process. And when I say “one day at a time,” it’s because you need to see it as something that you’re working on on a daily basis AND, if you slip or skip today, you need to keep going tomorrow as if today didn’t exist. Because you’ll cheat on your diet, or skip the gym, or have negative thoughts. But that doesn’t mean you’re done trying. You go on with the process, one day at a time.
I also noticed I was trying to change too much at once. So I went back to my “whys” and decided what habit I was going to prioritize. For sure, my diet was a priority, since it was affecting my life personally and professionally. Then I directed my focus to that, got even more clear on the reason I needed to do it, what would happen if I didn’t, and the specific outcomes I was aiming for (in my case, it definitely wasn’t losing weight!).
When I realized and incorporated that into my strategy, my life changed. I went to parties and said no to sweets with no problem. I started reading more, even if I wasn’t reading every single day as I wanted to. I set my goals based on honesty more than expectations, and I started forgiving myself for the “oops” along the way.
So if you’re going through this process (always call it a process, because it is) of changing or building habits, remember this:
It’s a process - it isn’t something you decide to do today, that will happen next week. They say a new habit takes about 28 days to stick. There is research showing that it actually takes 3 to 6 months. I believe it all depends. So…
Don’t compare your journey with someone else’s - we’re all different amazing individuals, and we all work on different speeds. We also do things for different reasons. Don’t get yourself trapped in comparisons, because that will kill your goal!
Have a clear “why” - and by that, I don’t mean “because I want to lose weight” OR “because I want to be a better person.” These reasons won’t stick. Dig deeper: what’s this change going to provide to you? Personally, professionally? What impact will it have on your quality of life? Your relationships? Take notes and read that every single time you think about cheating or giving up.
Don’t assume you reached it - I’m glad I’m writing this post this week, because I can give you one more piece of advice based on my own experience: get ready for the psychological traps. As I told you in the beginning of this text, I was going very well for 6 months. No cheating (I mean, once a month maybe I would eat a slice of cheese, maybe a tiny piece of chocolate), way less complaining (I remember crying at the supermarket twice when it all started). I was so proud of myself. But November and December brought me a lot of anxiety with lots of things going on. I wasn’t ready for that… So I ate cheese (a lot of it), and some sugar. And I paid for it. Still paying, actually. So don’t assume you reached your goal, and put yourself at risk: if you’re feeling more anxiety, or sad, or PMS even, be aware of the self-sabotage that will come with it, and come up with tactics to fight it.
Avoid downward spirals - don’t let one day you skip the gym become a month without going. Same with your diet, or with journaling, or with studying, or anything else. Don’t let one “oops” be the reason you start getting sloppy about your goal. Forgive yourself today, go on tomorrow.
Focus on one day at a time - I think this is the most important. Focus on one day at a time. Tomorrow is another day, yesterday is already in the past. You only have today to make it count. And if it doesn't work, well, go on. Always go on.
Looking For a Guy? Read This First
Romance. That person that will hold your hand at the park, make you laugh, and (hopefully) be good in bed. When looking for a guy (or a girl), what are the qualities you hope to find? What do you pay attention to?
I heard once (or maybe a few times) that I was “too picky with boys” -- Wait! But shouldn’t I be? Don’t you realize this is the one person that will impact your future the most? What if he thinks a woman shouldn’t curse or travel by herself? What if he wants kids, or doesn’t want kids? What if he doesn’t like the fact that I am an independent ambitious woman? Shouldn’t these facts be considered?
As I heard from this Ted Talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “women are raised to aspire to marriage.” Not that marriage is a bad thing, nor that it shouldn’t be on your ‘dream list’. But our aspirations should go beyond that. I know mine did, and still do. We have different minds, as well as different goals in life. But in a society that rushes us to find “the one,” especially after a certain age, that urgency can take us to falling for the wrong person, and for the wrong reasons -- fear of being alone, age to have kids, and outside pressure, of course -- just to name a few.
So when looking for “my person,” I remember many times I changed my own behavior, so the guy I liked would like me-- and keep me. I was rarely my true self in his company. And to be honest, I know many people who did/do the same. But how can this be sustainable? What happens later on?
Another thing I noticed as time passed was that, I had big goals, I didn’t want to have children, and I wanted to live abroad. Of course we’re constantly changing, and some plans fall apart, we change our mind. But having some clarity about your future, verbalizing the things you want, and the things you don’t, in my opinion, is an important step before making any kind of commitment-- and by that I mean even before changing your Facebook status (if that’s still a thing). Here is a personal example I shared on my ebook “Living By Design - First Steps To Live Life Your Way:”
“When I met my now husband, I had just turned 28 and was more than sure I did not want kids. Just a month after we started dating, I brought up this conversation just out of curiosity -- and also to know if he wanted to have children. I couldn’t be with someone that wanted something I didn’t. If you are dating, thinking about sharing a future together, I believe it’s important to be straight up about your desires and theirs. Be honest with each other. If you’re going out with someone not only to have fun, if you’re getting to know that person, then get to know that person -- their view for the future, their values, their heart, and their mind. Seriously, if we invested in this kind of background check before committing to a wedding, I’m sure divorces rates would drop.”
Five years later, I still don’t want to have children. And I still have a lot of ambition, hunger for freedom, a passion for traveling by myself, and... I curse a lot. I’m not perfect, neither is he, and we have lots of differences. But the person he met back in 2014 was a girl who had decided to be herself, to not rush, and who was starting to believe and speak her truth. That girl knew she couldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t accept her for who she was-- a crazy Brazilian feminist-in-progress, who treasures her freedom more than anything. And at 27, I finally realized that.
So I’ll end this piece with a little unsolicited advice…
Pay attention to the person you’re dating. Speak your mind, share your goals. Be yourself (as much as possible, because I know that takes practice). See how he/she reacts, what he/she says. And don’t wait until you’re 6 months in! Do it in the beginning-- why not? You’re both adults, having adult conversation, with the same goal in mind: getting to know each other, and maybe be together for life, right? So let’s try not to waste anyone’s time. Because that thing that “people change?” Well, most of the time, they don’t. If I have married someone who wanted kids, I’d be divorced by now. If I had married a guy who doesn’t want his wife to travel on her own, I’d also be divorced by now (or sucking it up and feeling unhappy).
Another thing I can tell you is know your values, invest in self-awareness. Getting to know someone else is fun, but knowing yourself is liberating-- and it’ll help you find a better match! My most important value is freedom. I know I’m happier being with someone that respects my freedom, that doesn’t try to cut my wings (poor thing, he’d be long gone if he did). Oh! And last but not least, love your own company, and yourself, more than anything!
Living By Choice: What It Really Means
Through the course of our lives, we make decisions. Everyday, all the time. But have you ever asked yourself if the decisions you're making are truly coming from a place of consciousness? Why did you pick this particular outfit you’re wearing today? Why is your favorite color green, not blue, and how did you end up in the career you have right now? Would you like to get married, and why do you want to have children? The question about the outfit is probably the easiest to answer...
If we thought about all our decisions the same way we think about our #ootd, we would have a completely different life. But we often don’t see our decisions as what they really are: choices. We don’t question ourselves, we go with the flow. It hurts to say that most of us are living a life in default mode, and not realizing it until way down the road.
I started questioning my goals in life in my early 20s, when I realized that I was following a sort of script: graduate, work, find a man, get married, have babies. That’s the “natural course of life” -- not for me. As an elder millennial who grew up in South America, dropping out of school to live abroad 10 years ago, I was TOTALLY off a script that had no room for improvising.
Back then, I thought it was “a crazy adventure” I was diving into. But I came to realize I was actually embracing my role as the writer of my own story, and stepping towards the freedom of making my choices with intention. I was about to start living my life by choice, by design. And beginning to learn how to live up to my own expectations, not the expectations of others.
The concept of living by choice is to take control: of your life, your mind, your body. It’s about making decisions that come from a place of “want and desire,” rather than from a place of “should” or “have to.” Think like this: you’re in a boat (your life), and you can either be the captain (take control), or let it sail on its own (with the wind deciding your destination). Although it can be fun to let go (and that’s a way of life, too), I’d rather be the captain of the boat (my life) and of course, leave some room for the unexpected (because sh*t and life happens).
Now that you know the concept, let’s talk about what it takes to live by choice:
Living by choice requires self-awareness.
That’s where it all starts. There are lots of “shoulds” out there, and to live with intention, you gotta know what you want, and why -- not what you should or should not do or be. So your answers will come from you, your desires, your own expectations. It’ll come from a place of consciousness. Here are a few things you can ask yourself:
Do I really want ________?
Why do I or don’t I want ________?
What is it going to bring, add, or change in my present and future?
How does it affect/will affect my life?
Living by choice requires practice.
The journey (yep! journey!) of living by choice begins when you decide to be intentional about your decisions. And because this isn’t something you learned growing up, or at school, it’ll take time to adapt. You learned all these rules and beliefs about yourself and the world, and what it means to be here. So the practice will be deconstructing the patterns you’re used to. You gotta remind yourself that you’re in control, and that it’s ok to be. And that reminds me of…
Living by choice requires self-love.
Because if you don’t love yourself enough, you’ll give up. Living up to our own expectations is difficult -- especially as a woman. Not everyone is interested, in fact, most individuals would rather follow the recipe of life (that’s how I call living a life by default, because you’re following a recipe!), and they’ll try to convince you their way is right -- which is true, but it’s right for them, not for you. You have the right to live life on your own terms, and to make your decisions based on what you want for your future. So love yourself hard! You’ll need it. And stick to your choices, they’re your choices.
Big or small, our choices are shaping our future.
Remember that, big or small, we’re making choices on a daily basis. And those tiny ones are not to be taken for granted. The food we feed our body and the thoughts that fuel our mind; the amount of water or alcohol we take; how we spend our time, money and energy. These are also things you gotta be intentional about, and prioritize. It’s ok to cut some things (or people) from your life.
To go from “I have to” to “I want to” takes work, as you see. Even though I’ve been living by choice and practicing intentional living for a while, my decisions are still far from being 100% intentional. In fact, I'd say that I'm 30% there. It takes a lot of practice + self-awareness to live by choice, not by default. As I said, it’s a journey. It’s not easy to break the patterns of our society, of our own beliefs. It can be overwhelming. But fighting these battles will reward you with true freedom, in every single meaning of the word, that you haven’t experienced before. Trust me.
Feeling Like A Fraud? Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome
Have you ever felt like a fraud? Thoughts like you don't know why you got that job or you don't understand why people like your work? The truth is nobody is 100% confident all the time but, how can you tell the difference between the standard "butterflies in your stomach” from your brain screwing you over? It has a name: it is called the Imposter Syndrome. It's a phenomenon that occurs with high achieving individuals, mostly women. People who experience this syndrome tend to believe they are a fraud or that they are fooling others. They're convinced that they are faking their way to their accomplishments, and they believe people will find out about them eventually.
It is estimated that 70% of the population has it, myself included. In college, whenever I got compliments, or even when I get a promotion at work, I would ask "why". Why are these people saying I'm smart? Why do they want to give me a promotion? I would even run away from opportunities because I didn't believe I was worth it, I thought "they will find out I'm a fraud sooner or later.” It turns out I was wrong, not them. My past is filled with opportunities life gave me and I dismissed them because I never felt I was good enough, because I never believed in myself.
The idea for this article came from a chat with a friend. She told me she was diagnosed with this syndrome after seeking help for her anxiety. She would faint or have stomach aches every time she had to go to a job interview, or any other time she needed approval from others. Discovering her condition and getting treatment was "life changing," she said. And that's how I learned about the syndrome, and how important it is for all of us to be aware of it.
The symptoms may vary, but the most common ones are negative self-talk and constant feelings of self-doubt. That's how it starts, the syndrome strikes in you a cycle of self-sabotage, and it is serious enough to trigger psychosomatic signs in those who have it, like panic attacks for example.
If you struggle with Imposter Syndrome, you probably credit your achievements to "luck" constantly, rather than give the credit to yourself and your hard work. As the name of the syndrome itself, you feel like you are an imposter, you don't believe you are capable of those achievements, or you believe you don't deserve recognition.
Here are a few more signs to pay attention to:
1 - You have difficulty accepting compliments (not even "You're beautiful");
2 - You feel a compulsion to be the best;
3 - The fear of failure can paralyze you (red flag!);
4 - You're convinced you're not enough - and this speech goes on and on inside of your head.
Another friend of mine agreed to share a little about her own experience, and how she felt when she found out about the Imposter Syndrome:
“I didn't know I was suffering from Imposter Syndrome. Actually, I didn't even know it existed. I am very communicative, and I was always very convincing. Usually, everyone around me would get influenced by my ideas and suggestions. But instead of being proud of myself, I thought they were enchanted by my silly and fun way of speaking. I thought I was lucky.
"I'm lucky. That's why I got this job.
But I shouldn't be here..."
"I'm not as good as they think."I’d have never thought that I have been sabotaging myself for so long. Being aware of the syndrome made me pay closer attention to my behavior in a way I’ve never had before. And that was when I realized that if I didn't prove to myself that I was capable, I’d keep on losing opportunities, not appreciating recognition, and worse than that, I’d be losing my self-confidence more and more over time.”
To overcome Imposter Syndrome is not easy, but it's possible and necessary in order to own your future and be successful. So here goes a few tips:
Identify it
If you are experiencing these feelings, it's ok. Apparently, most high achievers are. So start recognizing them, and remember that it is just a condition, not a life sentence.
Share
We are never alone (especially in this case). By sharing your experience, you might be surprised by the amount of support you can get from people who either are currently in the same situation as you are or who have been there before.
Reaffirmation
Let's replace these negative thoughts with empowering ones. Shall we? You are capable, you are smart, and you are good at what you do. It is crucial though to be kind to yourself and to understand that you are unique, and the world needs your skills!
Look for Help
Look for expert help - either support groups, a therapist, or a coach, but it is extremely important that you find help and don't allow this condition to take over your life!
~ Accept your accomplishments, don't fear failure, and embrace opportunities.